The Ones We Love...Never Truly Leave Us

“Let children walk with Nature, let them see the beautiful blendings and communions of death and life, their joyous inseparable unity, as taught in woods and meadows, plains and mountains and streams of our blessed star, and they will learn that death is stingless indeed, and as beautiful as life.” -John Muir

My dearest Nick,

Happy Birthday. Today is your nineteenth birthday. Crazy to think how much we’ve grown up—from 5th grade to me sitting here in college, you flying up above. Time flies, doesn’t it? You know that more than anyone.

Today is both a hugely sad day and an infinitely wonderful day. Today, I go back and forth between wanting to cry for all the things we miss and smiling for all the things I remember. Because I truly miss you, every single day. It hurts to know you’re gone. I often still don’t understand why you were taken. But then I remember your beautiful light and spirit. Perhaps it was time for you, Nick, to live in that higher world, being the invincible light of a star. I’ll join you there one day. For now, I remember. I remember. And I’m grateful for having your spirit watching over me, my angel. I hope you know how much you’ve helped me these last two years. Even in spirit form, you live so much more fully than most of us ever do.

So I celebrate you. I miss you, and sometimes I still feel hopelessly sad. But mostly, mostly, I try to live to celebrate you and celebrate the beauty of life.

I’ve been remembering a lot, lately. Some days I just get a flash of your smile, hearing the sound of your laugh. Your soul travelling across galaxies and stars. And I remember laughing with you in Chemistry class, the ridiculous “items” you and Albert chose to bring to the picnic for McGunit. I remember always how you helped me in basketball practice. To most people, I was the shy and awkward nerd, but you genuinely wanted to help me, cheer me on. You always held this incredible joy inside you, from “Sparta” review games in class to the basketball court to the hallways, smiling at every person you saw. I don’t know if you know how amazing you are. It’s so hard for most people to feel that joy. You found it and lived it in sixteen short years. That beauty and spirit cannot die.

I remember, too, how you have brought people together. More, lately, I can remember your memorial. I remember holding Sarah’s hand and Joel’s hand, and just sobbing when Mrs. Pierce hugged me. All around, people were crying, for a life and a lovely person had been lost. All around, people were connecting, reminded of the beauty of you and the beauty of everything. Our hugs meant more that day than any other day. I remember the stories, how we laughed and cried, how you led your life each and every single day. And I remember feeling your spirit there in that room. You bring so many people together, still. And it’s beautiful.

Life’s hard Nick. But in those tough moments, I breathe in. I breathe you in. I know you’re there still, transferring your energy to me through the good and bad. Through the dark, I’ve come to feel the joy you did. I know life is beautiful, despite the miseries and tragedies. And I am able to be happy. Our souls do not die. The stars shine on. The ocean waves crash on the beach today as I pray to you. And I know you will never leave me.

A wise man once said, “We think we are invincible because we are.” And that is so true. You, Nick, are invincible. I am. The stars are. I am blessed to have known you.

Let’s celebrate that. I know you’re partying up there. I’m celebrating you in my own way, living and loving and dancing in the sea. I love you. I don’t know why I couldn’t say that when you were here, but I so do. Thank you, for showing me and reminding me of what really matters. You’re still alive, our souls travelling the same universe. We are infinite. Keep transferring your energy, and, Nick, give some to my mom if you can. She needs that energy.

I miss you. But I love you. Happy Birthday, Nick. Happy, happy birthday.

With love,

Kat

It Could've Been Me

Death feels so close all of the time. It could’ve been me. And that’s such a weird feeling. Suddenly, my heart feels jumpy, as though it could give out on me at any moment, though I know how strong it is.

Moments like this bring back all of the pain and grief of losing Nick, and I wish so much I could be there up in the stars with him. Except I don’t want to leave this earth yet. I don’t want to leave this beauty behind. I want to be able to live in both worlds, laugh and cry and swim in that deep blue purple painting.

It could’ve been me last night. It so easily could have been. And of course, I still have that small voice in the back of my head saying, “It should have been you.”

But as I grieve and respect and reflect, I remind myself to be grateful I am alive. It is a grand thing today simply to be alive, to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin and breath in the fresh air.

Don’t let go. Remember those who have passed. Remember the fragility and wonder of life.

And give thanks.

For you are, for I am, still alive.

Love and Being Alive

I've been meaning to do this for a long time, now, track my thoughts from last year, when I was in treatment, and compare them to how far I've come today, a year later.

Because I really do believe I've come a long way. It's not something I want to admit to myself a lot of the time, but it's the truth. I know that. I still can't be proud of myself, as so many people have told me I should be. But I know I've come a long way.

26 October 2010:

Why is it so hard to fight against? I'm getting tired and it just keeps getting harder. It's so much bigger than me, and I can no longer see or feel my own strength.

I remember this feeling so distinctly. I remember walking up to Gary in tears after family group that Tuesday night, just completely lost at how to fight back. I had been trying so hard, for an entire month, and yet nothing was changing. I couldn't dig into that deep reserve of strength inside me. I didn't know how to love. I was so, so afraid of everything, and I wasn't allowing myself to feel the things I needed to feel. I was allowing the eating disroder to overpower me, hiding in the showers, comfortable in my own uncomfortable place.

30 October 2010:

“For all the times we punish ourselves, very few times have we actually done something wrong.” ~John Mayer

I posted this quote as my status, because I think I knew how much I was punishing myself. I didn't completely accept the idea that I had done nothing wrong, but I wanted to. I hold onto little quotes like this to have hope. A little tiny ray of hope in all of the consuming darkness.

And what about today?

I see that girl I was a year ago. Crying, lost, empty, but so desperately reaching out for something more. I look up at the stars now, up into the whole grand universe, and I know I have a place in it. I don't know what that is yet, but I know it's somewhere. If you look at the probability of life in the universe, it's a miracle any of us are alive. We must be here for a reason, must have some effect on the happenings of physics.

I can stand tall now. I give myself permission to cry and permission to feel sad, but I also know how to reach out. I worry a lot, and I'm still afraid a lot of the time, but I'm more comfortable than I can ever remember being with NOT being in control of everything. The world changes. I change. People change. We have power, but we do not have control.

And that's okay.

I remember to breathe now. I think that's the most important thing. I also beleive I've found what I was missing--hope. There's a beauty in life, a beauty in being the person I am. I still have a lot of work to do to become the person I want to be, to be free, but I'm gaining little gifts every day. I keep them in my heart. And I love being alive.

Finally, I love being alive.

Word of the day: mesmerize--to fascinate

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "We realized over and over again that we were still alive. [...] It doesn't much matter when you have just now realized, all the time later, that you are still alive." -John Green, Looking for Alaska

Finally Free

My Dearest Nick,

It's been 2 years. 2 YEARS since you were taken from us. I've come to accept that you were needed by a force greater than us, than me, but that doesn't prevent me from missing you every day. I miss your presence, your smile, your laugh, your eyes, every day.

2 years seems like such an immeasurable amount of time. It's so insignificant when you think of the billions and billions of years for which the universe has existed. But it is oh so significant for me. For everyone who knew you. But especially for me. 63,113,852 seconds. Over 60,000,000 seconds since I could last meet your eyes. And every second that passes without you here feels like an eternity. It feels like I should be able to reach out my hand and touch yours, that this time and this existence should not separate us. But it does. It so does.

I wish a lot of things were different, but I mostly wish you were still here. I've healed a lot over the past two years and come to a sense of peace I think you would appreciate and desire. Yet there's still a missing hole in my world, in my soul, forever gaping from your loss. But in a strange little twist, losing you has allowed me to see the beauty in life.

You knew that beauty for every second you were alive, Nick. You embodied that beauty. You breathed that beauty. You had such an amazing light about you, that you spread to every single person you met. Do you remember when you helped me in basketball practice? How you helped me to keep going, encouraged me, smiled at me? Who was I to you at that point? To most people, I was no one. Just a nerdy teenager with too many issues who rarely spoke. But I mattered to you. Everyone mattered to you. EVERYTHING mattered to you.

You took every opportunity and each day in life into your arms. Anything that would come, would come, for you. You had such a joy and love for life and people. Have you any idea how hard it is for most people to live like that? It came to you so naturally. I admired you. From afar, I admired you, while I still sat quietly in class and helped you with Chemistry.

I still admire you, Nick.

For I know you are still here. Somewhere in this terrible chaos and darkness of your loss, a beauty has emerged for me. I know there's another world out there, a much more beautiful one, where souls like yours thrive and the light shines always.

You stand beside me, still, every day. Maybe not physically, but you are there. I can feel your spirit guiding me. I felt you there at graduation, I can sense you smiling down at me and reaching out to cheer me up in those times when I'm down. When I breathe in the seawater, I breathe in your soul. When I look up at the stars, I see your light. You are everywhere around me, Nick. Here for us all, still, caring for all of us even as you drift in another world.

Oh, but I miss you so much. It's hard to grasp the immense concept of your "goneness" most days. It weighs on my chest and pushes me into that black hole I fell into for so long. I feel you deserve life so much more than I do, Nick, and I cannot understand even now why life was taken from you.

So I breathe. I breathe in, and I know you are there. Your soul is finally free. Wherever you are, it is beautiful. And you are there. And you are here. And you are forever with me, because I will never forget.

I love you Nick. I love you so much. I never told you that, and I don't know if you can hear me now, but I have to hold out hope that you can. Because I need you to hear it. I LOVE YOU. Forever and always, you are my star.

Goodbye is not forever. Goodbye is not today. Because you live on. In me, in your spirit, in a state of being so much more than this human body we all have. You live on.

Thank you. For showing me hope, and light, and beauty, and for never leaving us behind. I LOVE YOU.

"Like a shooting star across the sky,

You kissed the clouds and softly sighed,

'Goodnight.'

So I stare into the galaxy,

And trace the path that used to be your light.

I try to make the seconds last

Pretend the moment hasn't passed.

But wishing on a fallen star

Won't change the truth of where you are.

Still I miss you.

And I wish you:

Everything the heavens hold

I pray with all my mind.

And when you go to sleep tonight,

Your soul is finally free."

Word of the Day: heaven--a place, state, or experience of supreme bliss and freedom

Daily Inspirational quote/photo: "I want to believe the dead are not lost to us. I want to believe that they speak to us as something greater than us."

Rising

I have debated for about a month if I wanted to write a post on 9/11. There are so many people whose stories need to be told and heard more than my small little story does. I was so young when the events occurred and I don't think my family even knew anyone in New York or Washington. So of course my inclination is to sit quietly in the background and read everyone else's stories. Which is what I've been doing for a good portion of the day, and all of these stories pull on my heartstrings. Several made me cry. And many, many warmed my heart and rekindled my hope for our country.

The people who risked their lives to save the lives of others, the firefighters and policemen and the people working in those buildings, will forever be my heroes. And the beautiful stories of those who died that day in the attacks will forever be etched into my memory. I can't imagine what it must feel like for a father to lose a son, a daughter to lose a mother. These people have such strength. They are rising again, the beauty coming from this terrible tragedy.

But I do feel the need to express some of my feelings about that terrible day and how our country has grown since then.

However, first, please read this post. I am amazed by Maureen. Her story made me cry. 9/11

I was only 8, so I don't remember much about that day. But I remember walking into my elementary school early, and all of the teachers (or so it seemed) were gathered around the TV in the music room, which immediately registered with me as odd. But I walked into my classroom and sat down. I don't remember how my teacher told us, but I remember watching the television and the replays of the attacks (Colorado was 2 hours behind, so I never saw them in real time). They released us early from school, I think because we were such a big military family school, and I remember riding the bus back onto the Academy with the few people who also lived there. I remember my sister and I were a little freaked, wondering if they were somehow going to attack Colorado Springs since we have NORAD and all of the military installations. I remember being worried because my dad was in the Air Force and even at a young age, I could sense that something big had happened. I didn't quite comprehend the magnitude of it on that first day, but I slowly came to. I remember my elementary school doing remembrance ceremonies on September 11th for the years after, I remember the day my dad left for Iraq and the day he came back, and of course I clearly remember learning Osama bin Laden was dead.

But my story seems so small compared to everyone else's. I was just a kid.

What really touches me every time I think of 9/11 is how courageous and gracious everyone was in the minutes, hours, months, years after the attacks. People from every walk of life came to New York or Washington to help with clean-up and recovery efforts. Thousands of firefighters risked their health in their effort to find remains to give families some closure. Everyone reached out a helping hand to those who had lost someone. Rather than having our country fall apart following the tragedy, we became, in most ways, more united.

Of course, as Maureen said, in later years our government would ruin that gracious spirit in many ways, but the point is that the terrorists didn't really succeed. They didn't destroy America. We do live in fear still, a lot of the time, but we're also rising. We have hope. We are resilient. We can rebuild.

I am forever amazed by the people who have made it their life's goal to create memorials, risking their own life and spending far too many overtime hours at work just to get these new towers built in memoriam of those who died.

And, in my humble opinion, the memorial is beautiful. It expresses the unity of America. It demonstrates the beauty of all the lives lost and all of the grace that poured out of hearts. September 11th was a tragedy, but I believe in some ways WE can also look at it as a victory, a victory over those who wish to destroy us.

"This tower will be a symbol of hope rising from a scene of tragedy."

We are rebuilding. We are rising.

Word of the Day: elegiac--related to the mourning or remembering of the dead

College!!!!!!!!!!!!

....I already failed once this month, so I'm not even caring that I never posted a blog yesterday. I had a ton of crazy appointments in the morning to get set up here and then we moved in to my dorm. Then in the afternoon I went with my parents to some beautiful places here around Kaneohe/Kailua, and then by the time we finally got back to my dorm, everyone was leaving for the organized trip to Bed, Bath, and Beyond. To be honest, I really only went because I thought it would be good to bond with my roommates, but I did end up getting a water kettle, mug, and mattress pad, so I suppose it wasn't entirely a bad trip. Except for the fact we didn't get back to HPU until midnight, and then I had to set up my bed. Bleurgh.

Today I hung out with my parents, doing a crazy steep hike very similar to the incline and going swimming in Kailua Bay. This evening was orientation kick-off, which...was interesting? I guess. It wasn't very exciting and they still seem rather disorganized. But I did finally finish this evening unpacking everything and trying my best to organize with our lack of desks and furniture.

....Anyway. I am really totally failing at blogging at the end of this month, which sucks, but perhaps I will do better tomorrow? *sigh*

Word of the Day: metaphrastic--having the quality of a literary work that has been translated or changed from one form to another, as prose into verse.

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "There are moments that mark your life, moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same. And time is divided into two parts, before this and after this.”

Eating the Unicorn

*happy sigh* Oh, Hawaii is so beautiful. Absolutely perfect weather, constantly in sight of both the ocean and mountains. We walked along the beach in Kailua bay for about an hour and a half this morning, but other than that we were mostly out buying all the things I'll need for college for the next 4 years, plus a few special Hawaii things (beach mat, snorkel gear). It would help if my parents weren't fighting the entire time, because that makes everything rather miserable, when I feel like I'm in paradise. It doesn't make sense. :(

Anyway. Today is my top ten list, so my main entry about Hawaii will be tomorrow after I've moved into my DORM. Aaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope it goes well. I'm nervous. :(

I watched a bunch of recent vlogbrothers videos this morning while waiting for my parents, and, as promised, I will dedicate my blog today to those dear brothers we all love. So I now present you with: Kat's Top Ten Reasons to Watch the Vlogbrothers.

1. To learn...the things you don't learn in school.

John and Hank have both done educational videos. If I had time, I'd search through all their videos to post examples, but I really don't have the time. We were up for 23 hours yesterday and then only managed around 7 hours of sleep, so I'm tired and do not feel like searching through all their hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of videos. I remember Hank did one on Chemistry, and while it was stuff I knew because I took really advanced Chemistry class, a lot of classes don't go that in depth. I know he's also done some on environmental stuff, and John often does ones on books and reading and how to analyze books, what symbols actually mean and how authors write, why they write.

However, I think both of them teach you the most important things about life as well. How to love people and tell them you love them. How to live your life and be proud of yourself and your actions. How to balance your life. How to have fun. Etc, etc.

2. To be inspired.

I absolutely love John and Hank's "Thoughts from Places" videos in particular. They always get me thinking more positive things about our world and how I live, teaching me the beauty and wonder of life. But in general, they always surprise me with their little snippets of inspiration.

3. Signed pre-ordered books!

I know John's only doing this for Fault in our Stars, but whatever. If you don't watch vlogbrothers, you wouldn't even know he was doing this. And you never know what else they might give away, so keep watching! Yay!

4. Bobbleheads!

This is my favorite souvenir and desk decoration. I wrapped John in a shirt and brought him to college to decorate my desk. When I'm stressed, I just push on his head and watch it bobble and it always makes me smile.

5. You and your friends have inside jokes. TONS of them.

JOKES. I'll put forks in you. Fishing boat proceeds. Peanut butter face. In Your Pants. Nerdfighters. Decepticons. Evil Baby Orphanage. Happy Dances. Waxing chins. Blenderized happy meals. World suck. Puppy sized elephants. Stuff on your head. Giant squid of anger. French the llama. Tiny chickens disease. Best wishes. The puff.

Curious? Don't watch the vlogbrothers? Watch!

6. John teaches you about current events.

The debt crisis, the situation in Iran (2009), Gadhafi, the housing crisis...etc. Basically, I think John explains current events in a much simpler and easier way to understand than the newspapers, without any of the fluff. I do still read the news, but I understand the news when it comes from John or Hank.

7. Discover new music and authors and get acquainted with them.

I would've never discovered Julia Nunes or Alex Day or Chameleon Circuit or Maureen Johnson or the fiveawesomegirls or wizard rock without the vlogbrothers. And from these, I've discovered even more people. The amount of music I've found on youtube truly is an intricate web. We're all connected through Nerdfighteria.

8. You have great story material!

...well, I'll be honest, this one doesn't always work because people do just stare at you sometimes in disbelief or wonder or confusion. But if you're at another boring party where no one is talking, you might as well talk about anything, and you might as well tell amusing stories about things John and Hank have done or talked about in the videos. Asking someone to marry someone else over the phone FTW!!!

9. Because nerds are cool....no, wait, nerds are JOKES.

Obviously. :)

10. You can blog about it!

Actually, I never would've discovered Maureen without the vlogbrothers, so it's really thanks to them that I got so into blogging. But also, it's always fun to discuss the vlogbrothers in your blog. Or a lot of the time their discussions inspire me to write about a certain thing because they inspire me to go a little deeper. I love them so much. <3 They are awesome people, working so hard to make the world a better place. And I am grateful to know of them and I am grateful to have all the friends I met through nerdfighteria.

Okay. Moving into my dorm tomorrow. Eep. I will refrain from anxiety at the moment and just hope all goes well and blog about it tomorrow.

Here's beautiful Kailua Bay:

Cheers!!!

Word of the day: homologate--to approve; confirm or ratify

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive." -John Green

Current location: Kailua, Hawaii

(also, the title is John's May 23rd video. I thought it was a good title. Go watch it!)

Confessions of a Nerd Girl Part XII

The Phoenix airport is boring. :( Our Delta flight is in the crappy dilapidated terminal, not the nice one our Southwest flight landed in. Like...seriously. There are about 5 empty gates at the end of this side of the terminal. Sad, sad, gates. But it meant that we found an empty corner and watched an episode of Gilmore Girls. Score!

As much as this 5 hour layover is annoying, I'm kind of glad we've had time to relax and not be on planes. We ate, walked around some, played Bananagrams, watched a TV show...so yeah. Not too boring. And I personally think it's nice to have a break from planes. It's been a long day already. :(

I never got the chance to write my confessions blog yesterday, so I am going to be writing a good portion of this blog while we are on the flight from Phoenix to LA. And then hopefully I'll be able to post it when we're on our 2 hour layover in LA.

You know how people talk about being able to see the heat? I never knew what that meant. But I can definitely see a clear rippling in the air outside, and I'm pretty sure that's what people are referring to. It's 113 outside in Phoenix. We went outside for a minute, and my god, I'm glad we don't live here!

Enough talking about my trip. Moving onto the confessions.

1. I actually like doing homework. Most of the time.

I mean, I certainly complain a lot about homework. I especially did so this past year—senior year of IB was not easy. I would have really hard homework in usually 3 or 4 classes at a time, and then I’d always have stupid little time-consuming assignments in the other ones. My English class was definitely the hardest class I’ve ever taken, and took up the most of my time at home. Essays, reading, Socratic questions, journals, tests, etc, etc, etc, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In the end, I really liked that class because I realized how nice my teacher was* and I really did learn a lot from her. But it took up an awful lot of time. And I complained constantly about my homework in that class.

BUT, I generally don’t mind homework. I love learning. I get this nice little thrill when I come up with a great idea for an essay, like my second idea for my World Lit paper this past year. I love finishing it and revising it and watching the idea develop from just a little thought in my brain into a whole paper. Abstract ideas becoming words on a page. :) I also absolutely love when I’ve been working on a really tough Chemistry or Calculus problem and then all of the sudden, after much working and erasing and frustration, I finally figure it out. I hate the part where I’m confused and I’ve been known to throw papers across my bedroom in frustration, but I do love figuring out problems. Because all of the sudden it makes sense to me, and I have grasped a new concept. I love that.

I guess…I don’t like homework when it makes me stay up until midnight for weeks running. I don’t like homework that feels like busy work and isn’t really teaching me anything. I don’t like homework when it interferes with time I could be spending with friends.**

But I do love learning. I truly hope that love will continue all throughout college.

2. I'm probably going to miss my cat more than anything else while I'm away.

I don’t say this to sound mean to my parents, because I’m going to miss them too. And my few friends. And my sister, although we’ve been apart for 2 years now and I think we’ve still remained quite close. I love all of those people, and certainly it will be hard to be away from them. But I can talk to them on Skype, write letters, interact on Facebook, even see their faces on webcam if I want.

But…there’s nothing like having my cat comfort me when I’m upset (crying my eyes out…) or stressed (…throwing papers around the room). I love having her sleep with me. I love petting her soft fur after a long hard day. I love watching her play. I love her so much. And I’m not sure she really understands why I left. Okay, of course she doesn’t. She’s a cat. And I don’t want her to feel like I abandoned her. I hope she still loves me just as much when I come back in December.

3. Every time I fly, scenes from the movie Airplane are constantly running in my head.

I love that movie so much. It is absolutely hilarious. In general, I think I like movies from the 80s and 90s more than I like most movies made now. I mean, I’m sure that those decades had their super crappy movies as well, but even the movies I like from this decade don’t seem to have the charm or humor of a lot of 80s or 90s movies. Anyway. I digress.

I don’t know if any of you have ever seen Airplane, but well…it’s a love story, a comedy, and a story of a bunch of people flying on an airplane (obviously). There are so many little scenes that stand out in my head, that randomly pop up when I fly on an airplane. Of course, none of those things would ever happen on an airplane, especially not today, but it always makes me laugh a little to myself when I’m stuck on a plane.

…………And, apparently LAX doesn’t have free Wi-Fi. Grrrrrrrrr. I knew there was a reason I should’ve written this yesterday. *sigh* Ah, well, hopefully I can find Wi-Fi when we get to Hawaii while we’re waiting for our rental car or something.

Oh, and to Bridgette: I do know where all the dorm buildings are on campus, I just meant that I don’t know that one building is necessarily better than another one. And we finally got our assignments today. I’m in Melia hall, room 205. So. However, in that same e-mail, they said that basically the dorms are a mess because they’re moving in new furniture in September, and we don’t have desks. Great. Hopefully I’ll find a way to manage until they finish renovating. Bleurgh.

I’m going to go try to walk around a little bit now once my parents return. That way it won’t feel quite as bad sitting on my butt on a plane for 6 hours straight.

Cheers!

Word of the day: torpor--apathy or sluggishness

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still." -Proverb

Current location: LAX

*Most everyone else thought she was evil, but she’s actually very nice and very helpful if you make the effort to talk to her.

**Especially because I don’t have many chances to hang out with friends, so I hate when I have to say no or cut the time short because of a test or essay.

The College Blog

I don't even know what to write today. I'm just trying to stay calm as I prepare to leave for COLLEGE!!!!!!!!! I'm excited, but I'm also quite anxious. I truly hope I can thrive in college, certainly more than I thrived in high school. I hope that even when I'm living on my own I can stay strong and keep my hope.

Anyway. I've basically finished packing. I haven't put my laptop in there yet (obviously), and there's a few things I want to make sure are okay to bring. That they make sense to bring.

I'm going to miss my kitty cat so much. :( She's been sleeping on my bed all day and periodically coming onto my lap and rubbing against me, purring and purring. I feel like she knows something is going on. I love her. I'm going to miss her over the next 4 months. She always knows how to comfort me. *sigh* I need to print out a picture of her or find an old one, because I need her adorable face in front of me while I'm at college.

They still haven't given us our dorm assignments, which I'm assuming means they're just going to give them to us on Monday. Unfortunately. I mean, I'm not sure it really matters all that much, since I don't know any difference between the 6 dorm buildings, but I did want my address before I got there so I could leave it with people. I'm hoping I do get along with my roommates in person. It's going to be a weird adjustment living with 2 people constantly. Especially because I'm shy...I've gotten better though. This summer at work I started talking to each of my coworkers before they talked to me that first day when I was alone with either one of them, so...yeah. Hopefully I'll still have the courage to speak to my roommates if they don't really talk to me first. I think it's important that we try to understand each other and get to know each other so that even if we don't become best friends, we're also not weirded out by each other. I had a friend say her roommate never talks and is constantly in the computer lab, so that must be awkward--how would you know if they even wanted to talk to you? So yeah. Hopefully that won't happen. I don't think it will, because we talked quite a bit on Facebook, all three of us, and we did seem to get along and all wanted the roommate thing to work out well. I guess we'll see on Monday?

I feel like maybe I should talk about something other than college, but that's really all I've been doing today. Packing, cleaning, etc.

.....................

I've also been watching The X-Files while I've been packing. Man, I'm glad NetFlix has every episode streaming, because while I'm almost done with the mythology episodes, I've also been watching some regular ones lately, and I really would love to just start over again from the beginning and watch every episode.

It's weird watching the episodes where Mulder and Scully aren't assigned to The X-Files anymore. O_o I mean, they mostly still investigate x-files and get in trouble, but it's just very odd. I'd forgotten how long that little storyline went on, too.

Also, I hate Diana Fowley. Just saying.

Oh, and I made this picture from screenshots earlier. I must say I'm quite proud of it. I've always loved the parallel the directors make between the first and last episodes:

I have been amused all day by Maureen's freak outs over the hurricane, even though she did finally get her flight moved. She is a very hilarious woman. I want her life.

Okay, and I know I'm no meteorologist, and maybe this is mean, but I think it would be hilarious if everyone evacuates New York City and it doesn't even flood. I agree with the mayor that it's better to be safe than dead, but if that's the case...I am definitely going to laugh at them. Of course, if it does flood, then it's definitely a good thing they all left!

Funny Headline: Irene stalks East Coast

................

This is definitely not my best blog, but whatever. I still need to write my one for tomorrow so that way I can set it to post at a specific time in case I can't get internet during one of our layovers. Since we're in Phoenix for 5 hours, I hope I'll find an internet connection and be able to update y'all in my blog, but you know, just in case.....

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, College!!!!!!!!!! Yaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!! =)

Cheers!

Word of the Day: footle--to act or talk in a foolish or silly way

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "You're alive. That means you have infinite potential. You can do anything, make anything, dream anything. If you change the world, the world will change." -Neil Gaiman

Days until I leave for college: T-12 hours and counting....

The Fallen, Rising Again

Tomorrow is my last day in Colorado. O_o

I spent pretty much all of today cleaning my room. So I have tomorrow to make sure I've packed everything I need. I will check my list, make sure I think I have everything, and probably still freak out that I've forgotten something. Because that's the way I am. I just have to make absolute sure I remember to bring all of my various USB cords for my electronics and my KEYS so that I have my flash drive and a place to put my ID and whatever keys I need for college. So yeah. Let's hope I don't forget any of those things, because that would be bad. I mean, I also want to check off that I have enough clothes (Socks!!!!), the shoes I want, books, movies, small toiletries, swimsuit, etc, etc, other vital things for living in a place. But anyway.

I am currently watching "Rising: Rebuilding Ground Zero" on the Discovery channel, and parts of it really are making me cry. I mean, I cry very easily, but whatever. The producers of the show did a beautiful job with this show. It's more than rebuilding the World Trade Center, it's rebuilding hope and home for America. It's filling that hole in the hearts of those who survived and those who remembered. It's filling a hole in the world. Also, the people they are interviewing, the stories they are telling...my god. It's just so heart-wrenching, but powerful.

This image forever brings tears to my eyes.

I know that a lot of people in our country have their own ideas about what happened on 9/11 and that an awful lot of people think we should "get over it," but I will always be sentimental about anything that has to do with 9/11. I think it's so important to have closure for this event. This event changed the way we live. It changed the way I live. It changed our country. There's no denying how powerful it was for everyone who remembers it. I was only 8, but my dad was in the military and I knew from the first time I saw the replay of the plane hitting in school that something big had happened. Everything was about to change.

And man, the designs these people are making, the new towers, are absolutely breathtaking.

Rising Anew.

10 years. It blows my mind that it's been 10 years. Elementary schoolers today weren't alive for the event. A lot of middle schoolers don't remember the event because they were too young. But those images are forever etched into my memory and will always bring tears to my mind.

I have enormous respect for the architects who have made it their life goal to build this. To complete Tower 1.

These people are the hope for our country. They embody everything America stands for. <3

The fallen are rising again.

In their memory

.....................................................................................................

I walked to the mall today in the rain. It was lovely because I love rain, but I did get quite wet because for the first half of the walk I couldn't have my umbrella open because the wind just turned it inside out.* But I enjoyed it. I'm sure the people in their cars who passed me thought I was either crazy or homeless. I love rain, though, so who really cares what strangers think? It's probably good preparation for walking to class in Hawaii, though. It rains a lot on the windward campus.

I basically took two showers today, though, except I didn't have soap when I was in the rain. ;)

Okay. I'm going to go back to just enjoying this beautiful Discovery Channel special now. Tomorrow I will be freaking out. Wooooooo, college!!!!

Cheers!

Word of the Day: anew--once more, in a new or different, typically more positive, way

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "This tower will be a symbol of hope rising from a scene of tragedy." -Rising: Rebuilding Ground Zero

Days until I leave for college: 1!!!!!!!!!!!

*I learned this by trying to walk with my umbrella and then having it turn inside out on me in front of a bunch of cars. I was embarrassed, but I learned. To just get wet.

CNN Comments

Happy Birthday, John Green!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you so much for everything you have taught me in your books and videos over the past 4 years. You have seriously changed my life. My Sunday blog this week will be in your (and Hank's) honor. I hope you had an amazing birthday. :D

...................................

I think I have been posting too much on Tumblr lately. I have especially been posting too much about the X-Files. I kind of have these bouts where 5 or 10 posts in a row are all about the same thing--Harry Potter, The X-Files, a movie, a book, whatever. I hope my followers (all 38 of them...) don't think it's annoying. It's just the way my mind works. So yeah.

Man, it's a good thing there's only a week left of blogging every day. Because I am seriously running out of ideas.

I guess I will resort to the news.

While I'm in bed, before I fall asleep, I read the news on CNN on my phone. I start with the headlines, and move on to World, Health, Travel, and Justice. There was an article on CNNHealth yesterday "NY, DC briefly shaken by 9/11 memories during earthquake." It was a rather well-written article by CNN's standards,* discussing how even people who don't suffer from full on PTSD can experience short rather severe anxiety attacks when they experience something similar to what happened during a traumatic event. I personally can absolutely understand why in the first second of feeling a building shaking, the people of New York or DC would think it was a bomb or an aftershock from a bomb. And each person interviewed in the article said that after that first feeling of terror, they rationalized and realized it was an earthquake.

What bothered me was the comments people were leaving on the article. I wanted to post an example here, but it appears that CNN has deleted the really mean comments since last night. Good for them.

There were a lot of people criticizing the people of New York for not being able to get over 9/11, which I thought was completely useless and ridiculously insensitive. Perhaps our country does relate too many events to 9/11, but there's no denying it was a huge event for our country, changing the way we live. We do live a bit more in fear now. Which isn't necessarily a good thing, since that is the point of terrorism, but it's also not something that's going to go away after only 10 years. That would be like telling a soldier suffering PTSD from Vietnam to just get over it already, that was 40 years ago. And I don't mean that's the same kind of PTSD, because it absolutely is not. What I am saying is that we have no right to tell other people how they should feel or react to an event. The people of New York still remember the tragedy of that day, the explosions and fire, the feeling of buildings near the Twin Towers shaking. So, yeah, first thought, probably a panicking one. Of course.

I'm just saying we shouldn't be judging anyone on how they feel after any event. Each and every single person has a valid reaction and valid feelings. I know how it feels to have someone tell you to not feel a certain way, and that does nothing. You still feel that way deep down, you just stuff it until it comes up eventually and is so much worse.

In general, I'm not really a fan of CNN's reporting--they feature some very mundane articles that don't really seem like news--but I liked this article. It made sense. It went deeper than the general "aaaaaaaaaaa, earthquake on the East Coast" article, but was still informative. Yay!

While we're still discussing the news, my dad made a funny comment yesterday after one of the news articles in The Denver Post quoted someone saying, "Gaddafi's days are numbered." Said my dad, "But they didn't say how manydays." ;D

I also feel like I should be paying more attention than I am to what's happening with all that in Libya, but my French teacher was kind of obsessed with it back in April, so I stopped really wanting to know because I didn't enjoy that class. But I do try to pay attention more now.

Yay, we're famous!!!!!! Let's have more earthquakes!!

Anyway. I have been working on thoroughly cleaning my room and finishing up packing. Tomorrow I will do my last load of laundry and pack everything away, and finish cleaning my room. And also walk to the mall to buy a one-piece Speedo at the sports store. It's only 54 hours until we leave the house to go to the airport. O_o

Okay, and I'm sure you guessed this by now, but I love words. And today Dictionary.com had a cool article saying why "Irene" is a funny name for a hurricane. You will see why in today's word of the day here.

Cheers!

Word of the Day: irenic--tending to promote peace or reconciliation; peaceful or conciliatory

Inspirational quote/photo of the day:

Days until I leave for college: 2

*I actually don't really like CNN, but nytimes.com doesn't work well on my phone. CNN works beautifully. So I deal with it. It's boring, so it helps me fall asleep. When I get into trouble is when I start finding articles I actually want to read...

Cats in Suitcases

Eurgh. Still having problems deciding on what books to take to college.

So far, I have chosen: An Abundance of Katherines, Looking for Alaska, Paper Towns, Peter Pan, Three Cups of Tea,Just Listen, The Truth About Forever, The Bell Jar, and The Hunger Games. All books I love, but certainly not the only books I like to read. =( But we really don't have enough room in either our suitcases or in my dorm for a lot of books. So perhaps I will just be sad and lonely without my bookshelves full of books. *sigh* I also have to bring my 5 novels for Anthropology and Literature with me, as well as my Oceanography textbook. So yeah. I really DON'T have room. Sad, sad, sad day.

I got two of the books for school today though. One of the novels and my huge Oceanography textbook. Seriously. A good 1/4 of our carry-on will be taken up by that one textbook. So hopefully I end up enjoying that class. :)

I also started putting the DVDs I want to take in one of those CD cases people keep in their cars, so now I can bring my favorite movies and I can bring my lovely Doctor Who DVDs. I love Doctor Who. :D I might decide to bring a few other TV shows, but probably not. I'm thinking about getting a cheap Netflix account so I can watch streaming on my computer, and 30 Rock, X-Files, and several other old TV shows I like are on there, so yeah. I'm certainly good on what movies I'm taking. Books are different. Clearly.

Ebony wants to come with me to college. =( I'm going to miss her so much.

Anyway. Today I hung out for a few hours with one of my (few) good friends from high school. I love her, and I'm going to miss her, but a lot of the talk we had about high school reminded me how much I hated high school. The thing I've realized is that I'm going to miss my teachers and a select few people I went to school with, but I'm not going to miss the experiences or atmosphere of my high school. I just really did not like high school. Hopefully college will be much much better? Yes? =D

I was talking to one of my friends earlier this summer, and we both made the comment, "High school literally almost killed me." So yes. Clearly I am not about to start missing high school. I liked my teachers and the subject matter we studied. I liked working hard.* I'm going to miss my Chemistry and Biology teachers. I liked studying with friends and talking with them before and in between classes. But....other than that, no to high school. I didn't like the atmosphere of my high school. I hated how dirty and full of trash it was. I had a lot of bad memories from high school.

So. I'm hoping I can stay in touch with the friends I loved from high school, and leave the rest of it behind me.

I did have a good time with my friend today, though. We went on a short little hike in my favorite park here.** Then we went and got tea at Starbucks. And we spent a lot of time talking. It was nice because she cared enough to want to hang out with me and say goodbye before I leave for college. And she was always there to talk to and hang out with throughout middle and high school, unlike most people from school. So yes. It was good to see her.

Also, there was supposedly a pretty big earthquake in Colorado last night. But I definitely did not notice it at all. It says it happened around midnight, and that's about when I went to bed, so I don't understand why I didn't notice. It was in Trinidad, which is a good 2 hours away from where I live, but supposedly people in Greeley felt it, and that's much farther away. I'm kind of disappointed I missed the earthquake, since they're so rare here. *sigh*

I did think it was funny though that when the much bigger one happened on the East Coast during the day, everyone was just posting about it on Twitter and Facebook. There was a funny post from one of the people I follow on Tumblr saying, "After the reaction to the earthquake today, I now know that when the Apocalypse happens everyone will just stand around posting about it on Twitter." Which is sad, but is also probably true in our world today. Kind of like how everyone was on Facebook when they found out Osama bin Laden was dead in May. Ah, internet. How you skew the way we react to big events. So strange, so wrong. I love the internet, but it has changed the way we get news and then react to it.

Okay. I leave you with a beautiful sunset picture and a cheery goodbye.

Cheers!

Word of the Day: popinjay--a person given to vain, pretentious displays and empty chatter

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "It is obvious that we can no more explain a passion to a person who has never experienced it than we can explain light to the blind." -T.S. Eliot

Days until I leave for college: 3.15

*I didn't really like the busy homework, but I always rather enjoyed writing essays and papers.

**Short because it was so hot today. I have, however, discovered that if I put a bag filled with ice on the back of my neck, I can tolerate the heat in my room.