I've always had a weird relationship with my birthday, ever since I think I was about 12 or 13. When you are a kid, of course birthdays are exciting. It's a big deal to be 5 instead of 6, to be able to go to school, to reach double digits, to have a huge party with a bunch of friends with a cake and a pool, where no one is fighting or judging, but just having fun. Your parents and family and friends shower you with gifts, and you really do FEEL older. Maybe you sense it because everyone makes such a big deal out of it, so you get that feeling too.
But for me, that feeling kind of went away as I reached my teenage years. It just stopped feeling like such a big deal. I think maybe because throughout middle and high school I had very small groups of friends, and I isolated myself a lot. I was shy and more comfortable being alone. Or, probably more true, I didn't know how to reach out. So birthdays felt weird.
I didn't feel any older. I couldn't understand why I was 14 years, 364 days one day and then 15. And why that was such a big change. In hindsight, that's an entirely arbitrary and senseless way to view birthdays, I think. But it's how I felt. I never really quite enjoyed my birthdays, especially in high school. A large part of that was probably the influence of my own self-doubt and criticism. I didn't want people to celebrate me, on any day of the year, no matter if it was my 17th birthday or not. I just didn't feel that special.
I've changed a lot since then, though. I've changed a lot since my 18th birthday. Maybe today I'm not any "older" than I was yesterday, but I'm older than I was on February 5, 2011. Older than I was on October 11, 2011 (random date). I have grown. I've learned a lot. I'm a different person. In truth, I do think now that each of us changes every day and that each of us changes he world every day. But even when I that seems stupid or meaningless, I do know I'm older. Maybe I can't feel it in my body or my brain, but I can feel it in small bits in my soul. I know, deep down, how much I've changed.
And it was so nice to celebrate that today. My day started at midnight, I guess, really. Since I was still awake then. I walked upstairs to a beautiful shark shaped Happy Birthday sign on my door from my lovely RA, Athena. And walked out of my room 15 minutes later to a "mysterious" chocolate gift on my laptop. I woke up this morning to 30 lovely facebook messages from friends, which just kept coming throughout the day. I think that's my favorite part, now, of my birthday actually. Being reminded of how many people do love me and care for me and want me in this world. It feels so amazing in my heart and soul now. This morning I did a beautiful (seriously. so so beautiful) hike in Kailua with Athena and my amazing friend Lauren. I skyped with my parents and my cat. I opened my exciting shark themed presents from my parents. (I cleaned the shower and bathroom. ;D) And I went out to a delicious dinner of Indian food with Lauren, Dan, and Sasha, all such lovely friends. Then I came back to a cake and a birthday song from Sasha, Maria, Victoria, Laura, and Pre.
Overall, such an amazing day. Nothing crazy, nothing incredibly special or life-changing. Just things to make me happy, to feel like I was commemorating my life and this day for myself. Simple things. A hike, a dinner out, surrounded all day by amazing friends. Celebrating life. Being happy. And feeding my soul.
Thank you to everyone who made my birthday feel special in every small little way, for making me (truly) love my birthday for the first time in many years.
Really, what more could a girl ask for?
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." ~Abraham LincolnWord of the Day: filiopietistic--pertaining to reverence of forebears or tradition
