Rant or Dance?

Today was a bit of a running around sort of day. I had my therapist appointment in the morning, which was fine. Then I went to stand in line at the post office for a good 20 minutes, only for them to tell me I had to go use the FedEx box in front of the building to send my package. Oooooookay. Whatever. Thanks for the $3.49 tape anyway. And in the afternoon I had my physical. The actual appointment took probably a total of 20 minutes, but the overall excursion lasted 3 hours. Ugh. Just one of the reminders that the buses are annoying. I still don't really want a car, though. I am blessed to go to college in a place that has a good public transportation system, and definitely here in Hawai'i buying a car wouldn't be cheaper. It would save time, yes, but would gobble up way too much money. Plus, whenever I do finally get my first car, I want to be able to buy a really good car, which I definitely cannot afford right now. 

Anyway, it was just a little weird, because I'm not usually as busy as I have been over the past 2 weeks. Running around a lot. It's a nice change, but also freaks me out every once in a while until I remember to breathe again. It was also weird not having class today.


And for a good 30 minutes just now I was convinced it was Tuesday. But it can't be, because I haven't taken my Stats final yet. Well, at this point, it will be Tuesday in 20 minutes. Ah, well.


Also, while I was in the shower, I suddenly just started feeling this overwhelming rush of anxiety. It really didn't make any sense, as 1 minute before that I had calmly been talking to my friend, reminding her to e-mail her documents for the apartment and complaining about my group paper. So I couldn't quite figure it out, but my heart rate was definitely faster and I couldn't get the onrush of thoughts to go away. I think the most annoying thing about anxiety disorders is sometimes you really cannot figure out why you feel so anxious. And then you start focusing on your physical feelings and continue to feel more anxious. Yeah.


But I just drank some tea and studied one last time for my Stats test. And I think I'm a little better now.


Although I am quite frustrated. I really do hate that my group members put me in charge of compiling our paper that is due on Thursday and writing the Intro and Conclusion. Because that means I have to go through their sections, look for grammatical and citation errors (oh, god, the citation errors!) and then put together a long list of references. I'm hoping the professor doesn't grade it too much on the overall paper and rather on each person's section. I'm going to go ahead and put in a Table of Contents saying who wrote what section, even though she didn't ask for it. It can't hurt, and I do want to make it clear. Not that I think anyone's section is awful or even bad, but I want each of us to get graded more on the work that we actually did. /rant over/


On top of that, though, I also have to finish revisions for my writing paper, which is so annoying because I got 100% on the essay and none of my group members offered me any feedback. So I have no clue what to change for revisions. I'll probably do a few small things, like adding two sentences about economics and shifting my discussion of deterrence so it's all in one section. Bleurgh. /second rant over/


Okay. Woops. Ranting time tonight?


I'm okay, really. Nothing I have to do is super hard, but finals week always feels kind of stressful. But I'm not as stressed out as I remember being in high school, which in a horrible circle is making me feel more stressed. Stupid brain.


After dinner (before working on the stupid group paper), I watched Ellen DeGeneres' 2009 Tulane commencement speech, and my god, I love that woman so much. She is so genuine and so funny and so truly caring. Her final piece of advice to the graduates was to "Just Dance." And while I recognize the comedic aspect of that advice, I think it can mean something much more powerful as well. When you dance, you let go of your worries for a while and just let your body move you and express your feelings. I know from experience how wonderful and powerful an experience that is. I honestly think everyone should take the time to just dance in their room or outside in their front yard. For a little while, at least, don't care so much what the rest of the world thinks about you.


Just Dance. And keep breathing, through the stress and anxiety and frustration as well as the wonderful times.





Cheers!


Inspirational quote/photo of the day: “We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.” -Friedrich Nietzsche
Word of the day: kickshaw--a trinket or bauble; a culinary delicacy

Ledge-Walking

A mixture today of general blogging life stuff and a topic I want to touch on.


First, I can't believe I forgot to wish Hank a happy birthday yesterday!!! Gah!!! Happy Hanko de Mayo, Hank!!!! Thank you so much for everything you've taught me and all of the crazy things you have done in the name of the nerdfighters. 


Today was okay. I woke up at 9:00 and then hurriedly got ready so I could Skype my parents. It was nice, because I could actually Skype in my room for the first time since October. I mean, I love my new roommate, but it was nice to have a little bit of alone time in the morning on a Sunday when I wasn't worried about doing homework and had time to Skype. Definitely felt nicer than having to go out in the common room where people just randomly walk by and slam doors randomly. But then I basically spent the rest of the day at work. I cleaned some and relabeled some books, in the process giving myself a rather deep cut on my hand with the razor we were using. Oops. And I made flashcards for marine bio, comm, and redid several math quizzes to raise my online score in that class to a 99%. Phew. So I'm pretty good for finals week. I'll spend the time tomorrow between my therapist and physical appointment continuing to study in Kailua, revising papers, bugging my group members, etc. 


We also had our first finals week food night today that I helped set up, where there were delicious carrot cake bread things. And I then had a rather embarrassing moment while running around campus, but it's okay because no one else saw. NO ONE. Ha, and it probably marks me even more as a runner now...


But overall not exciting. We'll hopefully get everything in to the apartment realtor tomorrow and then find out on Tuesday where we stand and if we'll be able to pick up the keys and start moving in. *fingers crossed*


Anyway. I've been spending a lot of my time lately watching through 2008's fiveawesomegirls videos, and I'd forgotten how much I love these girls. I'm up to September, and Kristina's been talking about how scrambled her life is (was?) because she's starting a new school and moving into her first house, etc. About how she loves change and craves it but hates having to leave things behind. I think that's almost exactly how I feel. I'm excited for the changes in my life: Connecticut internship for 9 weeks, moving into my first apartment, finding an off-campus job, etc. But it's all a little scary still. I hate leaving things behind and having to say goodbye to this life, especially after only a year of living how I've been. Yet I do crave that change. I just have to keep reminding myself to breathe and whispering to myself that it's okay to just jump in. I know by now I'm capable of flying and I know the stars up above are watching for me, and Nick's spirit continues to guide me. Always.

"I feel like there are two kinds of people in the world. There are people who walk on sidewalks, and people who, if there is a ledge nearby, will instead hop up on the ledge and walk there, arms out and balancing. I'm a ledge walker." -Kristina Horner

That beautiful quote by the lovely Kristina is true in so many ways for me. First, I literally do have the tendency to jump up on ledges and walk on them, balancing and laughing. Or just walk on the edge of the sidewalk and road, feeling the possibility of freedom and the joy of living. 

But looking at those words in a slightly less literal way, they still hold true. I won't always stay on the "sidewalk." I won't always stay on the same path. In general, yes, I continue to follow my dreams, but I'm willing to walk on a ledge, have to balance a little and watch out for falling, in order to reach those dreams. I know I can't reach my dreams following a simple, straight sidewalk that someone else has laid out for me. Too many other people walk on that sidewalk. I need to find my own way to walk through life, my own little meandering path to travel on. Sometimes I might end up on the sidewalk, but when the chance comes, I'm going to hop up on that ledge and see where life takes me.

I love the feeling of balancing. I love holding my arms outstretched, almost convincing myself that at any moment, I could fly.

And maybe I could. Maybe I am.

Do you like to walk on the ledges? Or do you stay on the sidewalk?

I, too, am a ledge-walker, forever and always.

Cute chemistry cat joke to end this blog, and then a little bit of homework and a GOODNIGHT.

Cheers!

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: “Don’t just follow someone else’s trail. Create your own path!”

Word of the day: subderisorious--ridiculing in moderation

8 days until home!!!!

Sc(Rambles)

Let's start off this blog with some EXCITING NEWS. I think we finally found the apartment we will be living in next year. My one friend and I both filled out and signed the papers and put down $500 toward the deposit. So we just have to get our other 2 roommates to sign the paperwork and figure out if we need cosigners. And then, fingers crossed that everything works out, we will have a place to live. And it's really nice. Not too small, in a nice community, only 11 minutes from the bus stop and the general downtown campus. I definitely would've preferred to live on this side, but I think in the end it will be better to be kind of in the middle of everything. More buses go downtown, so it'll be easier to get home and get places.

That was what I spent most of today doing. I finished my flaschards for Psych. Because, you know, that'll probably be my easiest final, so of course it's the only one so far I'm trying to study for. Well, and Stats. I made my little study guide for that on Wednesday/Thursday. Ha. I'll get to marine bio and comm eventually. Honestly, I'm not too worried about any of my finals. I'm going to study for them a lot still because I want to get As in my classes if possible, but I'm not freaking out. Probably helps that only Stats and Psych are cumulative. Plus, in Comm more of my grade rides on the paper I turned in on Thursday, so we'll just see where that goes.

My main stressor really was trying to find a place to live. And while we're not for sure yet, just having an application somewhere and money toward a beautiful little place is taking a load of my chest. And I'm done with my papers, done with finding flights to Connecticut, and I've even packed up most of my stuff.

However, I haven't been too productive since like...eight o'clock. Woops. I mean, overall, I feel okay about today because I: 1) Made all my flashcards for Psych 2) Found an apartment! 3) Continued to pack up two more drawers 4) Found and scanned in all of my bank and pay statements to e-mail to to the apartment realtor 5) Printed out the slips to mail back my rented books 6) Searched for options for selling back my other books 7) Talked to my mom for an hour, which I haven't done since...forever, really. Probably end of November. Because even when I was home we didn't really talk much.

However, it is now 11:30. And I really should, this weekend, write my reflective letter for writing, revise my shark literature review paper, and then STUDY. But I feel good about Psych and I have tomorrow in the library to study. I feel bad sometimes not doing work at work, but on the weekends there isn't really much to do. I even asked last Sunday if the reference librarian needed my help, and she said no. Plus around finals time they really do always just tell us to study. I'm going to miss that when I have to get an off-campus job in August...

But anyway. I might be going to Maui with my mom in August. Might. I'm always a little hesitant about these things, because while I do want to repair my relationship with my mom, I know she doesn't have much money and also isn't very good at managing it. Plus she's sick and I want her to put all of her spirit and energy and strength (and money) into helping herself get through painful treatments. But she does know her situation better than I do, and I also know she really needs a vacation. So I can't really say no. I mean, I could, but I don't really feel capable of doing so. We'll see what happens. Because I do probably need a week here to settle into my apartment before school starts and we'll have to look at what the real cost would be.

Honestly, my life does feel a little scrambled right  now, but I'm actually amazed at how well I've handled it. I kind of had a freak out last weekend because I didn't know anything about my living situation or Connecticut and I hadn't finished my Comm paper yet, etc, etc. But I'm mostly okay. Staying strong. Taking care of myself when I need to. Taking far too many breaks to watch old YouTube videos...And I'm proud of myself for avoiding eating disordered behaviors. That's a big step and a big change for me--different from IB exam time/graduation last year, definitely.

9 more days until I'm home. Then I have 3 weeks of calm before heading out on my own for 9 weeks. It's funny how much my life has changed, how independent I am, and how comfortable I am with it.

I'm a much stronger person than I used to be.

Or, maybe I just believe in my strength and my ability to get through things more now.

Cheers!

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "Our bodies are our gardens--our wills are our gardeners." ~William Shakespeare  
Word of the day: dandle--to dance (a child) on one's knees; the action taken by a dandler

Packing Netflix

I totally just remembered what I was going to talk about in my Thursday blog. I knew it had something to do with YouTube and the fiveawesomegirls, because that's what I've been using to distract myself lately. And it suddenly hit me while I was running last night.


It's not as exciting as I remembered it being on Thursday, but now that I've remembered it, I'm determined to dedicate a short section of my blog to it today. Yep.


Anyway, so in one of Kristina's videos, she was discussing how her roommate "hated" her because weird suggestions popped up in his Netflix and amazon suggestion boxes after he bought things for her. And I remember a while back Hank was talking about how he gets funny suggestions for Spanish soap operas on Hulu, even though he has never shown any interest in that type of show....


It really does baffle me. Sometimes websites are good at recommending things. But usually they're not. And I always expect Netflix to be better because they DO ask you to rate things and they ask you to rate a LOT of stuff. Granted, I don't do it very often, but they're at least supposed to go off of what you have watched recently. The only thing Netflix is usually good at is offering me good Nature & Science documentaries, but I often have to go digging for the good ones anyway. They put the stupid ones first in my suggestion box.


But yes. I don't really understand it. I might as well just search for things I might be interested in if Netflix is going to give me crap like this:

Yeah. Whatever Netflix. Whatever.

I went to my last class of my freshman year of college today!! Wooooooooooooo!!!! I feel like maybe I should've been more excited than I was or am, but meh. I still have to finish up 1 paper and take 4 finals. So it's not over yet. And it wasn't very climactic. The professor didn't even mention it being our last day of class. The only thing I did after class was walk to the apartment complex I'm looking at with a friend tomorrow so I know where it is and go buy cleaning supplies so we can seriously clean our suite and get money. Oooooooo, money. ;)

I haven't really done much else today. I've gotten a lot of packing done, though, actually. It's crazy. It feels weird that I have to be out of here in just 9 days and then I'm never coming back to these dorms. But it hasn't really hit yet. I also can't decide what I need to bring to Connecticut with me. It's different from just going home for the summer, and I'm a bit lost. Everything's kind of a jumble right now with packing and trying to find a place to live and finals and going home and then not being home and trying to find a job in Connecticut etc etc. Somehow I've been staying relatively calm, but I think a lot of it is because I'm trying to ignore the big picture and just take things one hour time block at a time. (Trying) We'll see how things go. 10  more days until home.


Fingers crossed that one of the 2 apartments tomorrow ends up working out.


And then I will get more boxes, continue to pack, and STUDY. Study study.


Cheers!


Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
Word of the day: vexillologist--one who studies flags.

5 years ago....

I know I talk about this concept a lot, but I think it's important for us to reflect on where we've been and how far we've come. It's hard to realize how much we have changed or how much we have overcome if we just look at the present. For most of us, that would mean we're looking at ourselves mindlessly roaming the internet or studying or sitting in traffic. We'd see the mundane things. So we need to dig a little deeper, to the core of ourselves. We need to think back and remember the person we were 1, 3, 5, 10 years ago. What were we dreaming of then? What are we dreaming of now? How much have we been through in that time period? Did we ever imagine at that age that we could reach this place?

I do do this a lot, but I tend to focus more on the eating disorder side of things. Which is absolutely important for me, because that really does show me how far I've come. I can look back to the awful place I was in 2 years ago and truly feel proud of myself for how far I've come. 

But what about before that?

5 years ago was May 2007. My last month of being in middle school. I remember being a very different person in middle school. I had more friends in middle school, surprisingly, or at least in 8th grade. I actually remember being really excited to go to high school. I remember some of the funny things I would do with my friends and how amazingly fun all of my classes were that year. Somehow it felt really cool to be an 8th grader, and I don't really remember anyone being very mean to me. I know people always say middle school girls are the meanest, and I do think that's true to a certain extent. But I remember that happening more in 6th and 7th grade than in 8th grade. I wasn't friends with, but certainly talked to some of the popular girls. I was incredibly nerdy, definitely. I had braces and didn't know the "right" clothes to wear. I never wore make-up (hahaha). And I certainly wasn't friends with the super popular girls of the school, the ones outside of the IB program. But I had a fair amount of friends, despite my incredible nerdiness and lack of any sort of fashion sense.

I was in Advanced Art and built a model of the Golden Gate bridge. I had a very small part in our spring musical. I sang in the "graduation" choir. I played basketball and ran track and helped put together the school's 10th anniversary yearbook. Overall, I allowed myself to grow a little bit more and not be so shy. That summer, the trend continued as I got incredibly excited over Harry Potter and found my little niche online and, again, did not care at all about what I was wearing.

That shifted dramatically when I got to high school, though, and I still can't quite put my finger on what happened.

But anyway, I definitely wouldn't have imagined in May 2007, as I was launching rockets with friends and getting ready to move to high school that I would be sitting in Hawaii in 5 years 12 days away from finishing my first semester of college. I think in 8th grade I was still sort of going back and forth between marine biology and journalism (I do credit my amazing high school teachers for fostering my love for and aptitude in science). I had no idea where I wanted to go to school and I still couldn't even fathom being a senior in high school, let alone a college student. 

I also couldn't have imagined then being the girl with an eating disorder. I do remember the first inklings of really, really caring about how I looked popping up around January of my 8th grade year. They'd been there to a small extent throughout middle school (girls are mean...), but I do think something about the pressure of high school made them stronger. But I was so happy, with so many friends, that I never could have imagined falling into that place. No one, of course, chooses it. And no one really remembers the first day. But it's just interesting. Because I know 5 years ago I never would have imagined that everything that has happened to me in those years would have happened. 

Interesting. 

So look at how much I've grown. From an awkward young teenager to a falling apart, ravaged body to a strong, resilient young college woman ready to find my way in the world, despite the struggles and obstacles in my way.

I definitely encourage everyone to do this. And I'm excited in 2 years to go back and look at my "letter to myself" from BEDA 2009. We'll see if anything I imagined then comes true. 

5 years ago

Cheers!

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "We do not remember days; we remember moments." -Cesare Paves

Word of the day: renitent--resistant to pressure

Patience and Manic Mondays?

It's funny, because ever since I posted that blog post yesterday I've noticed more the moments when I get really impatient. And it's an awful lot of the time. More than I probably should get impatient, really. It's easy, especially during this stressful finals time period, to focus only on myself and what I need to get done. But everyone around me is dealing with their own stresses, and they aren't in tune with what I need. None of us are, really. And we probably can't be, not 100%, not all of the time. I think it's probably more important that we realize that.

When I do find myself getting impatient, I take a deep breath, pause for a moment, and remind myself that it is okay. Everything will work out, somehow, in the end. For example, I'm now done with my Marine Biology Lab class (which is good but also sad) and finished with my Communications paper. I know when I start and end my internship, though I still need to buy flights. The walk is now over 1000 dollars (!!!!). Now all I have left is buying a flight, finding an apartment, 1 paper, and 4 finals. Which still sounds like, and is, a lot, but it can get done.

I just need to find the space and time to be patient with myself and with the world. The world, the stars have let me down in the past, but through it all, I know I can still count on that light and spirit to guide me to where I need to be going. Sometimes it might take a while, but we're always guided there eventually.

In other random news, I've had the song "Manic Monday" stuck in my head for the past hour and I have no freaking idea where it came from. It's kind of freaking me out, because I haven't heard that song in years. Brains are weird. Why do I all of the sudden remember the lyrics to that song but you can't help me remember vital information on tests, brain? WHY?

Man, I totally had something I was going to write about here that I was thinking about while taking a shower. But I can't remember it now........
................
...............................
.........................................
.................................................

Yep, no clue.

But I would like to say that I am obsessed with my new screensaver, which I got from these guys:
http://theblu.com/home
Seriously, it makes me want to let my computer go to sleep just so I can watch the pretty fish and identify them. Just one more distraction.....

Also, I don't have to go to stats tomorrow, so if I don't write this blog before noon tomorrow, I don't even know. I would say punish me, but no one really reads this. So I'll just be very angry if I don't write it when I actually have time before the evening for once. Before getting back from work at 10:15 and then going to get food and not coming back to my room until almost 11:00, like happened today.

Geez.

Cheers!

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "Have patience with all things, but first of all with yourself." -St. Francis de Sales"
Word of the day: bosky--having an abundance of trees or shrubbery.

The (Small) Great Moments in Ordinary Days

While sitting on Tumblr today as a short break between studying for my lab test and finishing my lab presentation, I stumbled upon this beautiful story:


A Sweet Lesson in Patience


To be honest, the whole story kind of blew me away. I think I do tend to hold onto some stereotypes about cab drivers, especially cab drivers in big cities, as being very impatient people who really don't want to talk to the people they are taking around. But this man...just seems so amazing. A wonderful person, in every single way.


And I think we can all learn a lot from his story. 


It is definitely easy, in our current society and times, to be impatient and edgy. It's easy to get frustrated with that older person in front of you while you're trying to get to where you need to go slowly moving along with their walker. We pass by the homeless people, not giving most of them a second thought. We offer our seats to the elderly, yes, but we don't try to talk to them. Sometimes, those people are lonely and need someone to talk to more than anyone. How hard would it be to just take our headphones out of our ears for one bus ride and at least try to talk to the person sitting next to us?


I truly do strive to get to know people, but I never actually put myself out there and do so. I think that cab drivers, bus riders, etc, have a wonderful opportunity to connect with a lot of people and make a small difference in their day. Most people tend to see these jobs as lower, not really worthy of intelligent, good people. But I disagree with that. It is incredible to get to connect with so many different people every day.


Of course, the story of this cab driver is a bit unique. Most of us will not, in our lives, have the chance to drive a very old, very fragile young woman through the pathways of her life, picturing her dancing in black and white and handing her off to a safe journey to the stars. It's an amazing story, but one that will not come to most of us.


But, I definitely would say that most of us do not realize how much we can impact someone else's life in the small ways. We're always striving for something bigger and better, to change the whole world. But I think the true miracles, the true changes, happen in our day-to-day lives while we're not even truly trying.


I honestly believe every single person makes a difference in the world just by the fact that they are alive, breathing, and using the planet. I remember that back at the beginning of this semester, the head of Residence Life at my college said something along the lines of, "It's too late for you to make a difference in the world now." And I was totally taken aback. Because that's totally not true. For one, everyone has already made a difference in the world. And second, we continue to make a difference in the world every single day that we live. Most of us will not make a big gesture, save the lives of a ton of people, save a baby from a burning building, etc. But we make small gestures every day, every ordinary day. The great moments in our lives are happening every day, and we just pass them by. 


There's one quote from An Abundance of Katherines that goes:

“What is the point of being alive if you don’t at least try to do something remarkable?”

This quote is said by Colin, and I know John has gotten a little grumpy about how many people retweet it, reblog it, and seem to use it to guide their lives. Because, as he's said, he doesn't really believe that is true. Colin believes it to be true in the book, although by the end he seems to realize he doesn't need to create this perfect formula for predicting relationships or be a huge genius or anything, really. He just needs to live. And, preferably, not continue to be dumped by girls named Katherine.

I think John does a good job of providing the opposite in The Fault in our Stars with the juxtaposition of Hazel and Augustus and their differing ideas of heroism and how one should live their life {SPOILER ALERT!!!}

Gus: The oblivion fear is something else, fear that I won't be able to give anything in exchange for my life. If you don't live a life in service of a greater good, you've gotta at least die a death in service of a greater good, you know? And I fear that I won't get either a life or death that means anything."

Hazel: Your obsession with, like, dying for something or leaving behind some great sign of your heroism or whatever. It's just weird.

Gus: Everyone wants to live an extraordinary life.

Hazel: Not everyone.

Gus: Are you mad?

Hazel: It's just. It's really mean of you to say that the only lives that matter are the ones that are lived for something or die for something. That's a really mean thing to say to me.

I really love this passage, and I really love the differences between the two of them. And I do really like Hazel's quiet heroism, the fact that she lives not widely but deeply. Or maybe I just like it because that is generally the way I live. I don't always try to touch the lives of a lot of people or have a lot of friends, but when I do find a good friendship, I nurture it deeply. I don't let it go. I hope that I can be remembered that way whenever the time comes (hopefully a long way away) for me to join the stars again. 

But yes. I don't think the only heroes are the soldiers or missionaries or rescue workers. I think they are heroes, of course. But everyone, every day shows a unique type of heroism that is just as beautiful and admirable.

The (small) Great moments are occurring every single "ordinary" day. 

Don't miss them.

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware, beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one." -Cab driver 

Word of the day: contumelious--insolently abusive and humiliating