It Could've Been Me

Death feels so close all of the time. It could’ve been me. And that’s such a weird feeling. Suddenly, my heart feels jumpy, as though it could give out on me at any moment, though I know how strong it is.

Moments like this bring back all of the pain and grief of losing Nick, and I wish so much I could be there up in the stars with him. Except I don’t want to leave this earth yet. I don’t want to leave this beauty behind. I want to be able to live in both worlds, laugh and cry and swim in that deep blue purple painting.

It could’ve been me last night. It so easily could have been. And of course, I still have that small voice in the back of my head saying, “It should have been you.”

But as I grieve and respect and reflect, I remind myself to be grateful I am alive. It is a grand thing today simply to be alive, to feel the warmth of the sun on my skin and breath in the fresh air.

Don’t let go. Remember those who have passed. Remember the fragility and wonder of life.

And give thanks.

For you are, for I am, still alive.

Love and Being Alive

I've been meaning to do this for a long time, now, track my thoughts from last year, when I was in treatment, and compare them to how far I've come today, a year later.

Because I really do believe I've come a long way. It's not something I want to admit to myself a lot of the time, but it's the truth. I know that. I still can't be proud of myself, as so many people have told me I should be. But I know I've come a long way.

26 October 2010:

Why is it so hard to fight against? I'm getting tired and it just keeps getting harder. It's so much bigger than me, and I can no longer see or feel my own strength.

I remember this feeling so distinctly. I remember walking up to Gary in tears after family group that Tuesday night, just completely lost at how to fight back. I had been trying so hard, for an entire month, and yet nothing was changing. I couldn't dig into that deep reserve of strength inside me. I didn't know how to love. I was so, so afraid of everything, and I wasn't allowing myself to feel the things I needed to feel. I was allowing the eating disroder to overpower me, hiding in the showers, comfortable in my own uncomfortable place.

30 October 2010:

“For all the times we punish ourselves, very few times have we actually done something wrong.” ~John Mayer

I posted this quote as my status, because I think I knew how much I was punishing myself. I didn't completely accept the idea that I had done nothing wrong, but I wanted to. I hold onto little quotes like this to have hope. A little tiny ray of hope in all of the consuming darkness.

And what about today?

I see that girl I was a year ago. Crying, lost, empty, but so desperately reaching out for something more. I look up at the stars now, up into the whole grand universe, and I know I have a place in it. I don't know what that is yet, but I know it's somewhere. If you look at the probability of life in the universe, it's a miracle any of us are alive. We must be here for a reason, must have some effect on the happenings of physics.

I can stand tall now. I give myself permission to cry and permission to feel sad, but I also know how to reach out. I worry a lot, and I'm still afraid a lot of the time, but I'm more comfortable than I can ever remember being with NOT being in control of everything. The world changes. I change. People change. We have power, but we do not have control.

And that's okay.

I remember to breathe now. I think that's the most important thing. I also beleive I've found what I was missing--hope. There's a beauty in life, a beauty in being the person I am. I still have a lot of work to do to become the person I want to be, to be free, but I'm gaining little gifts every day. I keep them in my heart. And I love being alive.

Finally, I love being alive.

Word of the day: mesmerize--to fascinate

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "We realized over and over again that we were still alive. [...] It doesn't much matter when you have just now realized, all the time later, that you are still alive." -John Green, Looking for Alaska

Finally Free

My Dearest Nick,

It's been 2 years. 2 YEARS since you were taken from us. I've come to accept that you were needed by a force greater than us, than me, but that doesn't prevent me from missing you every day. I miss your presence, your smile, your laugh, your eyes, every day.

2 years seems like such an immeasurable amount of time. It's so insignificant when you think of the billions and billions of years for which the universe has existed. But it is oh so significant for me. For everyone who knew you. But especially for me. 63,113,852 seconds. Over 60,000,000 seconds since I could last meet your eyes. And every second that passes without you here feels like an eternity. It feels like I should be able to reach out my hand and touch yours, that this time and this existence should not separate us. But it does. It so does.

I wish a lot of things were different, but I mostly wish you were still here. I've healed a lot over the past two years and come to a sense of peace I think you would appreciate and desire. Yet there's still a missing hole in my world, in my soul, forever gaping from your loss. But in a strange little twist, losing you has allowed me to see the beauty in life.

You knew that beauty for every second you were alive, Nick. You embodied that beauty. You breathed that beauty. You had such an amazing light about you, that you spread to every single person you met. Do you remember when you helped me in basketball practice? How you helped me to keep going, encouraged me, smiled at me? Who was I to you at that point? To most people, I was no one. Just a nerdy teenager with too many issues who rarely spoke. But I mattered to you. Everyone mattered to you. EVERYTHING mattered to you.

You took every opportunity and each day in life into your arms. Anything that would come, would come, for you. You had such a joy and love for life and people. Have you any idea how hard it is for most people to live like that? It came to you so naturally. I admired you. From afar, I admired you, while I still sat quietly in class and helped you with Chemistry.

I still admire you, Nick.

For I know you are still here. Somewhere in this terrible chaos and darkness of your loss, a beauty has emerged for me. I know there's another world out there, a much more beautiful one, where souls like yours thrive and the light shines always.

You stand beside me, still, every day. Maybe not physically, but you are there. I can feel your spirit guiding me. I felt you there at graduation, I can sense you smiling down at me and reaching out to cheer me up in those times when I'm down. When I breathe in the seawater, I breathe in your soul. When I look up at the stars, I see your light. You are everywhere around me, Nick. Here for us all, still, caring for all of us even as you drift in another world.

Oh, but I miss you so much. It's hard to grasp the immense concept of your "goneness" most days. It weighs on my chest and pushes me into that black hole I fell into for so long. I feel you deserve life so much more than I do, Nick, and I cannot understand even now why life was taken from you.

So I breathe. I breathe in, and I know you are there. Your soul is finally free. Wherever you are, it is beautiful. And you are there. And you are here. And you are forever with me, because I will never forget.

I love you Nick. I love you so much. I never told you that, and I don't know if you can hear me now, but I have to hold out hope that you can. Because I need you to hear it. I LOVE YOU. Forever and always, you are my star.

Goodbye is not forever. Goodbye is not today. Because you live on. In me, in your spirit, in a state of being so much more than this human body we all have. You live on.

Thank you. For showing me hope, and light, and beauty, and for never leaving us behind. I LOVE YOU.

"Like a shooting star across the sky,

You kissed the clouds and softly sighed,

'Goodnight.'

So I stare into the galaxy,

And trace the path that used to be your light.

I try to make the seconds last

Pretend the moment hasn't passed.

But wishing on a fallen star

Won't change the truth of where you are.

Still I miss you.

And I wish you:

Everything the heavens hold

I pray with all my mind.

And when you go to sleep tonight,

Your soul is finally free."

Word of the Day: heaven--a place, state, or experience of supreme bliss and freedom

Daily Inspirational quote/photo: "I want to believe the dead are not lost to us. I want to believe that they speak to us as something greater than us."

Rising

I have debated for about a month if I wanted to write a post on 9/11. There are so many people whose stories need to be told and heard more than my small little story does. I was so young when the events occurred and I don't think my family even knew anyone in New York or Washington. So of course my inclination is to sit quietly in the background and read everyone else's stories. Which is what I've been doing for a good portion of the day, and all of these stories pull on my heartstrings. Several made me cry. And many, many warmed my heart and rekindled my hope for our country.

The people who risked their lives to save the lives of others, the firefighters and policemen and the people working in those buildings, will forever be my heroes. And the beautiful stories of those who died that day in the attacks will forever be etched into my memory. I can't imagine what it must feel like for a father to lose a son, a daughter to lose a mother. These people have such strength. They are rising again, the beauty coming from this terrible tragedy.

But I do feel the need to express some of my feelings about that terrible day and how our country has grown since then.

However, first, please read this post. I am amazed by Maureen. Her story made me cry. 9/11

I was only 8, so I don't remember much about that day. But I remember walking into my elementary school early, and all of the teachers (or so it seemed) were gathered around the TV in the music room, which immediately registered with me as odd. But I walked into my classroom and sat down. I don't remember how my teacher told us, but I remember watching the television and the replays of the attacks (Colorado was 2 hours behind, so I never saw them in real time). They released us early from school, I think because we were such a big military family school, and I remember riding the bus back onto the Academy with the few people who also lived there. I remember my sister and I were a little freaked, wondering if they were somehow going to attack Colorado Springs since we have NORAD and all of the military installations. I remember being worried because my dad was in the Air Force and even at a young age, I could sense that something big had happened. I didn't quite comprehend the magnitude of it on that first day, but I slowly came to. I remember my elementary school doing remembrance ceremonies on September 11th for the years after, I remember the day my dad left for Iraq and the day he came back, and of course I clearly remember learning Osama bin Laden was dead.

But my story seems so small compared to everyone else's. I was just a kid.

What really touches me every time I think of 9/11 is how courageous and gracious everyone was in the minutes, hours, months, years after the attacks. People from every walk of life came to New York or Washington to help with clean-up and recovery efforts. Thousands of firefighters risked their health in their effort to find remains to give families some closure. Everyone reached out a helping hand to those who had lost someone. Rather than having our country fall apart following the tragedy, we became, in most ways, more united.

Of course, as Maureen said, in later years our government would ruin that gracious spirit in many ways, but the point is that the terrorists didn't really succeed. They didn't destroy America. We do live in fear still, a lot of the time, but we're also rising. We have hope. We are resilient. We can rebuild.

I am forever amazed by the people who have made it their life's goal to create memorials, risking their own life and spending far too many overtime hours at work just to get these new towers built in memoriam of those who died.

And, in my humble opinion, the memorial is beautiful. It expresses the unity of America. It demonstrates the beauty of all the lives lost and all of the grace that poured out of hearts. September 11th was a tragedy, but I believe in some ways WE can also look at it as a victory, a victory over those who wish to destroy us.

"This tower will be a symbol of hope rising from a scene of tragedy."

We are rebuilding. We are rising.

Word of the Day: elegiac--related to the mourning or remembering of the dead

College!!!!!!!!!!!!

....I already failed once this month, so I'm not even caring that I never posted a blog yesterday. I had a ton of crazy appointments in the morning to get set up here and then we moved in to my dorm. Then in the afternoon I went with my parents to some beautiful places here around Kaneohe/Kailua, and then by the time we finally got back to my dorm, everyone was leaving for the organized trip to Bed, Bath, and Beyond. To be honest, I really only went because I thought it would be good to bond with my roommates, but I did end up getting a water kettle, mug, and mattress pad, so I suppose it wasn't entirely a bad trip. Except for the fact we didn't get back to HPU until midnight, and then I had to set up my bed. Bleurgh.

Today I hung out with my parents, doing a crazy steep hike very similar to the incline and going swimming in Kailua Bay. This evening was orientation kick-off, which...was interesting? I guess. It wasn't very exciting and they still seem rather disorganized. But I did finally finish this evening unpacking everything and trying my best to organize with our lack of desks and furniture.

....Anyway. I am really totally failing at blogging at the end of this month, which sucks, but perhaps I will do better tomorrow? *sigh*

Word of the Day: metaphrastic--having the quality of a literary work that has been translated or changed from one form to another, as prose into verse.

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "There are moments that mark your life, moments when you realize nothing will ever be the same. And time is divided into two parts, before this and after this.”

Eating the Unicorn

*happy sigh* Oh, Hawaii is so beautiful. Absolutely perfect weather, constantly in sight of both the ocean and mountains. We walked along the beach in Kailua bay for about an hour and a half this morning, but other than that we were mostly out buying all the things I'll need for college for the next 4 years, plus a few special Hawaii things (beach mat, snorkel gear). It would help if my parents weren't fighting the entire time, because that makes everything rather miserable, when I feel like I'm in paradise. It doesn't make sense. :(

Anyway. Today is my top ten list, so my main entry about Hawaii will be tomorrow after I've moved into my DORM. Aaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope it goes well. I'm nervous. :(

I watched a bunch of recent vlogbrothers videos this morning while waiting for my parents, and, as promised, I will dedicate my blog today to those dear brothers we all love. So I now present you with: Kat's Top Ten Reasons to Watch the Vlogbrothers.

1. To learn...the things you don't learn in school.

John and Hank have both done educational videos. If I had time, I'd search through all their videos to post examples, but I really don't have the time. We were up for 23 hours yesterday and then only managed around 7 hours of sleep, so I'm tired and do not feel like searching through all their hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of videos. I remember Hank did one on Chemistry, and while it was stuff I knew because I took really advanced Chemistry class, a lot of classes don't go that in depth. I know he's also done some on environmental stuff, and John often does ones on books and reading and how to analyze books, what symbols actually mean and how authors write, why they write.

However, I think both of them teach you the most important things about life as well. How to love people and tell them you love them. How to live your life and be proud of yourself and your actions. How to balance your life. How to have fun. Etc, etc.

2. To be inspired.

I absolutely love John and Hank's "Thoughts from Places" videos in particular. They always get me thinking more positive things about our world and how I live, teaching me the beauty and wonder of life. But in general, they always surprise me with their little snippets of inspiration.

3. Signed pre-ordered books!

I know John's only doing this for Fault in our Stars, but whatever. If you don't watch vlogbrothers, you wouldn't even know he was doing this. And you never know what else they might give away, so keep watching! Yay!

4. Bobbleheads!

This is my favorite souvenir and desk decoration. I wrapped John in a shirt and brought him to college to decorate my desk. When I'm stressed, I just push on his head and watch it bobble and it always makes me smile.

5. You and your friends have inside jokes. TONS of them.

JOKES. I'll put forks in you. Fishing boat proceeds. Peanut butter face. In Your Pants. Nerdfighters. Decepticons. Evil Baby Orphanage. Happy Dances. Waxing chins. Blenderized happy meals. World suck. Puppy sized elephants. Stuff on your head. Giant squid of anger. French the llama. Tiny chickens disease. Best wishes. The puff.

Curious? Don't watch the vlogbrothers? Watch!

6. John teaches you about current events.

The debt crisis, the situation in Iran (2009), Gadhafi, the housing crisis...etc. Basically, I think John explains current events in a much simpler and easier way to understand than the newspapers, without any of the fluff. I do still read the news, but I understand the news when it comes from John or Hank.

7. Discover new music and authors and get acquainted with them.

I would've never discovered Julia Nunes or Alex Day or Chameleon Circuit or Maureen Johnson or the fiveawesomegirls or wizard rock without the vlogbrothers. And from these, I've discovered even more people. The amount of music I've found on youtube truly is an intricate web. We're all connected through Nerdfighteria.

8. You have great story material!

...well, I'll be honest, this one doesn't always work because people do just stare at you sometimes in disbelief or wonder or confusion. But if you're at another boring party where no one is talking, you might as well talk about anything, and you might as well tell amusing stories about things John and Hank have done or talked about in the videos. Asking someone to marry someone else over the phone FTW!!!

9. Because nerds are cool....no, wait, nerds are JOKES.

Obviously. :)

10. You can blog about it!

Actually, I never would've discovered Maureen without the vlogbrothers, so it's really thanks to them that I got so into blogging. But also, it's always fun to discuss the vlogbrothers in your blog. Or a lot of the time their discussions inspire me to write about a certain thing because they inspire me to go a little deeper. I love them so much. <3 They are awesome people, working so hard to make the world a better place. And I am grateful to know of them and I am grateful to have all the friends I met through nerdfighteria.

Okay. Moving into my dorm tomorrow. Eep. I will refrain from anxiety at the moment and just hope all goes well and blog about it tomorrow.

Here's beautiful Kailua Bay:

Cheers!!!

Word of the day: homologate--to approve; confirm or ratify

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "The only way out of the labyrinth of suffering is to forgive." -John Green

Current location: Kailua, Hawaii

(also, the title is John's May 23rd video. I thought it was a good title. Go watch it!)

Confessions of a Nerd Girl Part XII

The Phoenix airport is boring. :( Our Delta flight is in the crappy dilapidated terminal, not the nice one our Southwest flight landed in. Like...seriously. There are about 5 empty gates at the end of this side of the terminal. Sad, sad, gates. But it meant that we found an empty corner and watched an episode of Gilmore Girls. Score!

As much as this 5 hour layover is annoying, I'm kind of glad we've had time to relax and not be on planes. We ate, walked around some, played Bananagrams, watched a TV show...so yeah. Not too boring. And I personally think it's nice to have a break from planes. It's been a long day already. :(

I never got the chance to write my confessions blog yesterday, so I am going to be writing a good portion of this blog while we are on the flight from Phoenix to LA. And then hopefully I'll be able to post it when we're on our 2 hour layover in LA.

You know how people talk about being able to see the heat? I never knew what that meant. But I can definitely see a clear rippling in the air outside, and I'm pretty sure that's what people are referring to. It's 113 outside in Phoenix. We went outside for a minute, and my god, I'm glad we don't live here!

Enough talking about my trip. Moving onto the confessions.

1. I actually like doing homework. Most of the time.

I mean, I certainly complain a lot about homework. I especially did so this past year—senior year of IB was not easy. I would have really hard homework in usually 3 or 4 classes at a time, and then I’d always have stupid little time-consuming assignments in the other ones. My English class was definitely the hardest class I’ve ever taken, and took up the most of my time at home. Essays, reading, Socratic questions, journals, tests, etc, etc, etc, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In the end, I really liked that class because I realized how nice my teacher was* and I really did learn a lot from her. But it took up an awful lot of time. And I complained constantly about my homework in that class.

BUT, I generally don’t mind homework. I love learning. I get this nice little thrill when I come up with a great idea for an essay, like my second idea for my World Lit paper this past year. I love finishing it and revising it and watching the idea develop from just a little thought in my brain into a whole paper. Abstract ideas becoming words on a page. :) I also absolutely love when I’ve been working on a really tough Chemistry or Calculus problem and then all of the sudden, after much working and erasing and frustration, I finally figure it out. I hate the part where I’m confused and I’ve been known to throw papers across my bedroom in frustration, but I do love figuring out problems. Because all of the sudden it makes sense to me, and I have grasped a new concept. I love that.

I guess…I don’t like homework when it makes me stay up until midnight for weeks running. I don’t like homework that feels like busy work and isn’t really teaching me anything. I don’t like homework when it interferes with time I could be spending with friends.**

But I do love learning. I truly hope that love will continue all throughout college.

2. I'm probably going to miss my cat more than anything else while I'm away.

I don’t say this to sound mean to my parents, because I’m going to miss them too. And my few friends. And my sister, although we’ve been apart for 2 years now and I think we’ve still remained quite close. I love all of those people, and certainly it will be hard to be away from them. But I can talk to them on Skype, write letters, interact on Facebook, even see their faces on webcam if I want.

But…there’s nothing like having my cat comfort me when I’m upset (crying my eyes out…) or stressed (…throwing papers around the room). I love having her sleep with me. I love petting her soft fur after a long hard day. I love watching her play. I love her so much. And I’m not sure she really understands why I left. Okay, of course she doesn’t. She’s a cat. And I don’t want her to feel like I abandoned her. I hope she still loves me just as much when I come back in December.

3. Every time I fly, scenes from the movie Airplane are constantly running in my head.

I love that movie so much. It is absolutely hilarious. In general, I think I like movies from the 80s and 90s more than I like most movies made now. I mean, I’m sure that those decades had their super crappy movies as well, but even the movies I like from this decade don’t seem to have the charm or humor of a lot of 80s or 90s movies. Anyway. I digress.

I don’t know if any of you have ever seen Airplane, but well…it’s a love story, a comedy, and a story of a bunch of people flying on an airplane (obviously). There are so many little scenes that stand out in my head, that randomly pop up when I fly on an airplane. Of course, none of those things would ever happen on an airplane, especially not today, but it always makes me laugh a little to myself when I’m stuck on a plane.

…………And, apparently LAX doesn’t have free Wi-Fi. Grrrrrrrrr. I knew there was a reason I should’ve written this yesterday. *sigh* Ah, well, hopefully I can find Wi-Fi when we get to Hawaii while we’re waiting for our rental car or something.

Oh, and to Bridgette: I do know where all the dorm buildings are on campus, I just meant that I don’t know that one building is necessarily better than another one. And we finally got our assignments today. I’m in Melia hall, room 205. So. However, in that same e-mail, they said that basically the dorms are a mess because they’re moving in new furniture in September, and we don’t have desks. Great. Hopefully I’ll find a way to manage until they finish renovating. Bleurgh.

I’m going to go try to walk around a little bit now once my parents return. That way it won’t feel quite as bad sitting on my butt on a plane for 6 hours straight.

Cheers!

Word of the day: torpor--apathy or sluggishness

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "Be not afraid of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still." -Proverb

Current location: LAX

*Most everyone else thought she was evil, but she’s actually very nice and very helpful if you make the effort to talk to her.

**Especially because I don’t have many chances to hang out with friends, so I hate when I have to say no or cut the time short because of a test or essay.