All we Can do is Keep Breathing

It's a funny thing, time. A funny thing how much people change over time. A funny thing how fear and sadness and grief turn into a sense of peace. This past year, I've been through a lot. Finally, I can recognize just how much I've been through. When I look back to a year ago, I'm scared and sad for the girl I remember. The girl who could barely get through the day, who used unhealthy actions to escape her feelings and intense grief. It's hard to remember that, hard to think that person was me a year ago. But it was. I was scared, angry, upset, and, quite frankly, destroying myself. In a sense, I didn't want to live anymore. Not that I ever directly thought that, but that's what my actions (or lack thereof) showed at the time. And, honestly, if I hadn't gone to a place I needed to go to get help and search inside myself, I don't think I would be here typing this.

It's been 6 months since I discharged. SIX MONTHS. It doesn't feel like that long, and yet in that time I can feel myself changing. Not in every way. I still have trouble accepting myself and my body for what it is and believing I deserve things. But I've found a sense of peace in that time. With the help of friends and people who DO believe in me. There's just such an intense difference between me today and the person I was a year ago. I haven't fully recovered, not by a long shot, but I think I've changed.

I'm the kind of person who hides away from the world and from myself. I suppose it seems, at the surface, easier. Easier to ignore losses and successes and just go through the motions of life. But it's not. That's perhaps the biggest lie there is. I hid my grief for so long, and it only made living and smiling and laughing so much harder. I've lost someone. I've lost someone who meant the world to me. And I have a right to grieve in my own way. I didn't think that for a long time. I thought I was reacting to Nick's death in the wrong way, and it scared me. So I hid my grief. By disappearing from the world into a bone cage, I hid and I ignored. It took a special and wise man to make me realize that I have the right to feel however I do, and grieve in my own way and time. I can't thank him enough for that.

Nick meant a lot to me. Simple as that. Even from afar, even when we didn't talk as much, his beautiful light and the way he led his life inspired me. I have so many beautiful memories of times with him. These past two months, then, have been especially hard. I missed him at our senior events. I missed him at graduation, I missed seeing his smile and laugh light up the entire room and encourage those around him. I wish he had been there. But, importantly, I allowed myself to grieve his absence. Even in the midst of stress and celebration, I allowed myself to cry and smile as I remembered him.

And there's something else. I used to think he was just gone. None of him left on this earth. And perhaps that's what scared me the most. But, now, regardless of religion or heaven, I know his spirit is with us still. Because I still remember him. I still honor him. And I still love him. As long as I continue with that, I can breathe in his beautiful spirit. And he will be next to me. Always. Always, I will love him. Always, I will honor and celebrate his light and life in the way I know try to live mine.

"I want to believe the dead are not lost to us. I want to believe that they speak to us as part of something greater than us." ~Fox Mulder

In all honesty, I think many of us have unrealistic expectations of life. We expect to be happy. We expect everything to be perfect. The media surrounding us presents us with unrealistic expectations, with the supposedly perfect lives of celebrities. I used to expect that recovery and facing my feelings would mean I was always happy. But, really, all that led me to was a deeper dark black hole, spiraling as I tried to reach the perfect happiness that would never exist in my life.

As I said, I still struggle. I struggle with one of the most basic actions in life, that most people don't give a second thought. I struggle to believe in myself, to believe I deserve life and happiness and love. I'm a long way from escaping the voice that tells me these things, and maybe I never will. But I fight it. And even when I can't fight it, I keep breathing.

Maybe that's all we can do. KEEP BREATHING. Life isn't easy. Anyone who says otherwise is lying to themselves, and denying themselves the chance to grow. Only after we fall can we learn the beauty of flying. Only after we lose all hope in ourselves and in the world can we truly understand what hope and beauty mean. Sometimes we can't fight back. Sometimes I can't fight back. So I take a step back, breathe, and let strength come to me. It takes a long time. It took me 3 years to find the strength to begin the fight, and even now I lose that strength. But I never stop breathing. I almost did, 9 short months ago. But someone reached out a hand. Many people reached out hands and reminded me how to breathe. Necessary to life, not just biologically, but spiritually.

"Each breath breathed means we're alive
And life means that we can find
The reasons to keep on getting by
And if reasons we can't find
We'll make up some to get by
'Til breath by breath we'll leave this behind."
~"Breathe," Superchick

And you know what? Maybe there's hope. I know, some people right now are saying, "Of course there's hope." But it's not that easy for some people. It's not that easy for me, because I still struggle and because sometimes all I can do is breathe. Hope still seems so fleeting a lot of the time, because I haven't completely cast off my demons. But maybe there is hope. For me, and for all of us. We live in a beautiful world, full of amazing possibilities. And each one of us was given a life to live, a reason to be on this earth. In the honor of those we lose, I truly believe we all need to try our best to live. Not just exist, but live. Feel our feelings, grieve, cry, laugh, sing, dance in the rain. And BREATHE.

"To live is the rarest thing in the world. Most people exist, that is all." ~Oscar Wilde

All we can do is keep breathing. But maybe that's enough. And maybe there is hope. So long as we embrace life, accept our fears and losses, and allow ourselves to breathe, we are alive. Always.

Word of the day: breath--life, energy, vitality
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: