Beauty from Pain

"There comes a time when the world gets quiet and the only thing left is your own heart. So you'd better learn the sound of it. Otherwise you'll never understand what it's saying." ~Sarah Dessen

What happens when you lose something in your life? If it's something small, maybe you just accept that you no longer have that thing in your life, but you can move on and live without it. But what happens when you do that with a bigger loss? The loss of a relationship, a relative, a friend. The loss of yourself. You can't just push those losses aside, place them inside a nice little container, put them on a shelf, and go on as if everything is okay. But we sure do try.

Stand strong. Get through it. It shouldn't be that big of a deal. You can go on just the same without this in your life. You don't have the right to feel so sad over a loss. It's just a loss. Ignore that emptiness.

That's what my mind tells me, at least.

I have never allowed myself to grieve a loss. Losses that go back as far as 6 or 7 years. Place them in a neat little box, tuck them far, far, FAR back in my brain, and MOVE ON. And yet, they're always there. And the next time I experienced a loss, I had to open up that container to shove the new one in and experience both the old and new losses at the same time. But losses hurt. Pain and grief is such an awful feeling to deal with and live with, especially alone. For me, I feel that grief should be an incredibly personal feeling, so I don't try to burden anyone else with it. I'm the one feeling this and everyone else around me has their own issues to deal with. But, there's no way I can deal with those problems all on my own. So I retreat, hide behind my shield, and hurt myself to stop the world from hurting me. Again.

It took me a long time to realize that my mom was, IS a loss in my life. Or having a mother, more. When I was young, my dad took more care of us than my mom did, but I'm not sure I consciously connected that at such a young age. But once it was just me, my mom, and my sister, I lost the opportunity or chance to really be a daughter. To have a mother who could take care of me. Instead, I took care of her more than she ever took care of me, at the age of 11 and 12. At an age when I desperately needed a mother to guide me into young womanhood and to let me depend on HER sometimes, I completely lost something to cling onto. But I never let myself consciously feel how great that loss was for me. There was no other way I knew how to live, so I just accepted it, disconnected from my mother, pushed away any feelings, and moved on.

For so many years after that, it seemed like everything was going perfectly. Good friends, good relationship with my father, a wonderful summer spent guiding and teaching and riding horses all day. Then, that truck hit me as I was strolling along. Not completely unexpected, but I thought I was safely out of the way. I really never let myself feel the death of my great-aunt. I think I convinced myself that since I didn't see her that often, I didn't need to grieve her death. When in fact, it was completely the other way around. I needed so much to grieve the fact I didn't have the chance I wanted to love her and spend time with her. I also never got the CHANCE to grieve. She was gone, buried, everyone seemed to move on, and no one talked about it. So I opened up that box of losses, stuffed this one inside with the other one as quickly and painlessly as possible, and moved on with my life. It wasn't that big of a deal. Except really, on a deeper level, I think it probably was. Hence why I dipped deeper and deeper, spiraling down so quickly into a life I lived as a ghost, invisible to the world and to myself. Until someone reached in and tried to pull me out.

So in that box now there are two big losses. And some smaller ones. A not so small box filled with grief and pain ready and waiting to be experienced, growing with each passing day that I ignored it.

It's so easy to pretend that you are okay. Take on the problems of others, help them deal, put on a mask, and don't let the world know that inside, you are hurting. Things seemed to be going so well, but largely it was me pretending that I was just fine, I was safe now, everything would be happy and perfect again. But there's some things you can't plan for. That freight train hits you, hard and fast, as you're standing there, never realizing you were in its path. Why are such beautiful people taken from us? Someone who loved and treasured and cherished life, who was always smiling and making sure other people were smiling as well. He grasped every aspect of life, never complaining. His beautiful laugh will be forever etched in my memory. I feel like I know there must be some reason why he's not here anymore. I don't know what happens, but there must be somewhere or someone who needed his beautiful spirit more. Not that that makes it fair. But it gives it a reason.

I miss him. I miss all of the things I've lost, but I so miss him. His beautiful spirit brightened my life. Admiring him from afar, I learned about what it meant to truly live. To not simply feel happy, but to enjoy and laugh and smile and run and do everything to fit your passions. But I never got the chance to tell him that. The chance to tell him how much I love him, how much he taught me. Until he was gone. Until I didn't know if he was listening or could ever know. I sunk down even deeper, away from emotions I felt I didn't have the right to feel. Deeper and deeper into my shield, stuffing my grief into an already overfull box.

But the pain is still there. Nothing can dull the fact that I lost him. And that I never got the chance.

I love you, Nick. Whether you know that or not, I do. You've had such an influence on my life, and I can't thank you enough for that.

Every one of us has a journey to experience, a path to walk. We think it's our path and no one else's. Admitting you need help and then accepting it is probably the hardest thing we ever do in life. We think we should stay strong and stand on our own. But, in reality, no one can travel through the labyrinth of life on their own. No one can hold all of the burdens and losses and events of a life on their shoulders and not fall down. We all need some help sometimes. But it's hard. Hard to admit you're not as strong as people think you are. Hard to show someone else how awful you feel, because it makes it that much more real.

But when it comes down to it, I need to listen to my heart. That's the true voice in my head, the one telling me how I feel. The one reminding me of what I value. The one telling me to chase after my passions, embrace my fears, and DO IT ANYWAY.

During the toughest moments of our lives, we grow the most. Pain, grief, and heartache grow our minds and soul. When we sink away from those moments, we stay stuck just right where we are, alone and hiding.

The world's a scary place. Especially when you experience a loss. But the beauty of life lies in the suffering. The beauty lies in the sorrow, in the growth, in the living and experiencing. To stay with your sadness, to ask for help, to not try to go to fast. That's real strength. To face your emotions and not hide away.

So I think now it's time to open that neat little box and make a nice mess of feelings. To feel, to live, to struggle and grow. To finally let those losses mean something in my life. To honor Nick and show him what he means to me.

I can't walk alone. I can't pretend nothing happened. And I can't expect happiness or perfection.

But I can reach for the light even from my dark space. The light is always there, waiting for me. I have faith in that. And I have faith in Nick, the shining light and beautiful laugh.

I have faith. And right now, I just have to work with what I have. Because it really is true that that's all I've got.

"Something's pure that I am missing, holding back and never letting you see. I see all the things you meant to me in the things you didn't say." ~Beth Waters

Word of the day: Faith--a trust in something

Inspirational quote/photo of the day:

Goodbye is Not Forever

"Thomas Edison's last words were it's very beautiful over there

I don't know where there is, but I believe it's somewhere

And I hope it's beautiful, like you."

~John Green, Looking for Alaska

One year. It seems like such an intangible, stretching, unimaginable length of time. It's hard to look ahead to tomorrow, let alone 365 days from now. But looking back, it feels like just the blink of an eye. So much has happened in what seems like such a short amount of time. So much has been lost, so many tears have been shed, so many memories have made me smile.

Three Hundred and Sixty-Five Days. That's what a year is, based on our calendar. But how do you really measure how time has passed?

Nick, you've been gone for 365 days. 525,600 minutes. 12 months. ONE YEAR. And yet, it feels like just yesterday I was smiling at you in the hall, sitting in classes with you, fighting girls vs. boys in Geography Jeopardy. Cheering you on in basketball and soccer, and admiring your beautiful spirit from afar.

You were never afraid of anything, Nick. You grabbed every minute and second of life and made the best of it. You were always having so much fun, and you made sure that the people around you were having fun too. If they weren't already, you did something crazy, something so completely YOU, to make them have fun. I'm not sure I'll ever understand how you lived so beautifully. For now, I'll just have to stick with admiring how you lived.

One year, and I still can't grasp why you were taken. You deserved life, Nick. You really did. Or do. You really DO. I can't help but believe that someone needed you more than we need you down here. And wherever you are, whoever you're with, I know you're making it beautiful. You're spreading your light with that constant smile, easy laugh, and beautiful spirit. Playing basketball and helping out all of the people around you. Just don't forget us down here. Because we always love you and we always remember you.

We're doing okay, Nick, but it will never be the same without you. It's hard to recover completely from such a loss. But I'm doing the best I can, Nick, in your memory. Maybe you could just send down a smile and a little bit of strength to all of us. We're smiling up at you and remembering your beauty, that's for sure.

Pieces of you and your soul will forever be trapped in my memory. You taught me a lot about how to live, more through your life than your death. So thank you for everything, Nick. I love you forever. Someone so beautiful didn't deserve to be taken so soon, but I know there's a reason. I may never understand that reason, but at least I know there is one.

You are in my heart, mind, and soul forever. Goodbye is not forever, Nick. It's definitely not.

Word of the day: Pulchritudinous--angelic, beautiful, lovely

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "For any one of us our forever could end in an hour, or a hundred years from now. You never know for sure, so you'd better make every second count." ~Sarah Dessen, The Truth About Forever

The Lens that Captures Soul

So. I had senior pictures this evening, so it's a good thing I already decided to share my essay with you rather than make a panicky, last minute, rather crappy blog. Because I've had enough of those recently. Senior pictures went really well, the photographer was so sweet, and it feels so good to have them done. =] Right now I have to go read some of a novel for French and get ahead studying for chemistry. Yep. Without further adieu, I present to you my "What Defines Me" Essay/potential college personal statement. Please tell me what you think of it!

The Lens that Captures Soul

Eloquent changes, unseen beauty, unexpressed thoughts, and lost ideas of the world captured by an extension of my own eyes and heart: a camera. A simple device of metal and plastic and lenses, but it captures more than just an image. A camera gives form to those abstract parts of life with its photographs that manage to grasp and communicate memories, emotions, dreams, and the complex soul of the photographer.

I received my first camera at the age of 6. One of those cheap, plastic, nearly indestructible film cameras that parents buy for their kids. I took it with me on our trip through southern California, with it I captured the images I wanted to remember, the simple images a child finds wonder in. The camera actually did have one conqueror: the salt water of the Pacific Ocean, but miraculously, the water spared the majority of the film. I still have some of those first photographs, the old memories and images important to a young girl. I may no longer remember why I wanted a picture of the sand or a simple stretch of ocean, but those photographs remind me of the awe a young child sees in every part of the world. In a way, they send me back to that time of pure youthful joy. They hold memories, smiles, and the soul of a young child. The soul of a young photographer, who saw beauty in everything.

I believe that loving photography connects to personality type, as I have always been incredibly shy. Taking pictures allows me to see the world with a lens in front of my face, so the world never sees me but I can still see the world. My eyes often cloud reality and I cannot always see the truth, but pictures allow me to see the beauty my eyes cannot. Pictures hold onto a past I cannot always remember, and they always tell their stories truthfully. Of course, pictures capture my most important events, the people I meet, and the places I go. But a photograph does more than that. It encompasses a journey, tells a story, and gives me something to hold on to by providing a concrete form to the intangible feelings I cannot always grasp on my own.

The cliché says “a picture is worth a thousand words.” Personally, I believe that words remain the strongest and most valuable tool that humans possess. Humans use words to tell stories, make amends, and connect with one another. As a writer, I treasure words and choose each one carefully to craft a story or convey a feeling. But as a photographer, I know words cannot successfully communicate everything. How can one describe a soul, the way that the light reflects on the water so perfectly, the way the sky slowly changes from day to night? Words cannot. A photograph, however, can capture soul. It can capture what really matters: the emotions during one fleeting moment of time, laughs and tears you no longer remember, parts of life you forgot were ever important to you, dreams you lost, pieces of your soul. A camera has the unique ability to record the journey and changes of life and the world we often miss seeing. It has an eye of its own, holding memories and images we do not yet know we want to keep.

I do not always take pictures of beautiful vistas or important people. But the pictures I take of everyday life remind me of the simple beauties that make life wonderful. My camera holds my soul, and captures what my eyes cannot: the subtle yet eloquent changes of the world, the journey of a life slowly passing by, the feelings I run away from. Above all, it holds the power I do not always have to capture and contain my soul. I will continue to use my camera to capture photographs that contain more than an image; I will use its power to capture heart, soul, and beauty that my eyes alone cannot see.

Well...I hope you enjoyed that. It was hard to write, but I did very much feel like I put myself into it. =] I know I wasn't very exciting this BEDA, but...well...I've had an awful lot of stuff going on in my life lately. *sigh* But tomorrow is the last day, and I will try to be at least a little interesting, maybe somewhat funny...I don't know. Just celebrate the last day of BEDA!!!

Cheers!

Word of the day: Cynosure--one that serves to direct or guide

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "To photograph truthfully and effectively is to see beneath the surfaces and record the qualities of nature and humanity which live in all things." ~Ansel Adams

More than just a photograph

Time for the last 2010 installment of my top ten lists! This needs no real precedent, since I've already mentioned my love for photography. So, I present you with Kat's Top Ten Reasons to Take Pictures:

1. People truly connect through pictures.

I feel like most people own a camera and take pictures. Go to any party, and everyone's likely to have a camera. If you're on a vacation, I'm sure you'll find yourself surrounded by people with pictures. In our houses, we have pictures on the walls, on desks, on the fridge. Our hard drives hold hundreds and hundreds of pictures. We share photos on Facebook and Dailybooth and TwitPic. Heck, we even carry pictures in our WALLETS. You never know what picture will help you connect with someone. It might be that picture of a cool street sign, because you find someone who finds wonder in the same thing. So just take pictures of the things that fascinate you, the things you find beautiful, and the things you want to remember. You never know who they will help you connect with.

2. You can capture moments that would otherwise pass you by.

Obviously, photos capture moments. That doesn't really need to be said. But I feel like I capture a lot of moments I wouldn't otherwise notice or pay attention to because I have a camera strapped to my hand. Especially with my Project 365 project, I've come to look at every moment as an experience, something that has shaped my life, weighing its importance to my day. If I feel it defines my day well enough, then it's my picture for the day. But as a photographer in general, I've learned to look out for the beautiful objects and events that take place. Those things that could become wonderful pictures, so long as I stop long enough to notice and snap a picture.

3. Sometimes, you just capture the most beautiful scene.

This is still my favorite part of photography: capturing beauty. Personally, I like taking pictures of scenery a lot more than of people. I really do not know why, but maybe because the beauty of the world inspires me more than the beauty of other people. I mean, I still take pictures in big cities that include strangers, and I love the beauty of that too. I suppose because of my personality type, taking pictures of other beautiful people just doesn't make me...feel good. Sorry. But, basically, if you take pictures, you may just capture the most beautiful scene in the world, that you would forget or barely notice without the photograph. So take pictures. You never know what you will capture.

4. Pictures give you something to remember about every day.

Going back in particular to my Project 365 for this year. It's really hard to find something to take a picture of on some days. Because, yeah, some days I experience absolutely nothing exciting. I sit in my room and read or do homework. But over the course of this year I've come to realize those are the simple things, that make life beautiful just because I'm alive to do them and complain about them. I don't always have to be ridiculously busy or exciting. Recently, I went back to look through that album, and, yeah, it's nice to be reminded of what was important to me on some seemingly mundane, normal, boring day in November. So just bring a picture with you everywhere, and snap a picture of whatever makes your heart smile or your mind think. Those just may be the things you want to remember, even if you don't really know it at the time.

5. You begin to realize the small things that really hold a lot of beauty.

This connects again to Project 365. I think I've become a slightly better photographer, as far as positioning things to get beauty out of the most normal and mundane objects in life: a pencil against a deep brown desk. A flower in the midst of a lawn of green grass. The sun setting over the mountain just so. The rain and hail that at the time is so annoying, but becomes a beautiful picture. Your cat lying on your bed: something that happens every day and has lost its joy and wonder, but makes for the perfect picture. So, sure, snap a picture of your shoes, your books, your water bottle. It's beautiful if it's somehow important to you. Everything has the potential to hold beauty, even if no one sees it.

6. Years later, you have something to laugh about. Or cry about. Or smile about.

There are so many pictures from my childhood that make me laugh. Pictures truly do capture memories. Thanks to pictures, I can remember my going away party when I moved from Texas. Which actually makes me both laugh and cry. I can remember all of my camp experiences, my dad's and uncles' wedding, family vacations that no longer ever happen. Actually, now that I think of it, most of my pictures simultaneously laugh, smile, and cry, because they capture and convey so many separate emotions and bring out conflicting feelings: happy that it happened, but missing it immensely. Basically, I think pictures are wonderful just in how they capture our life as it passes by and help us to remember events and feelings we might otherwise forget or at least not remember so clearly. I truly treasure my camera.

7. With pictures, you get to share your experiences with the world.

Sure, words allow you to share experiences as well. But sometimes you just can't find the words that truly describe your journey or how you felt standing in that vast church or whatever. Clearly, we use photo albums to share our trips and times with friends and summers and vacations and all of that. People rarely seem to keep photo albums anymore. I only have ones up until 7th/8th grade, when I started keeping all of my pictures either online or on my hard drive. But almost everyone shares their experiences thanks to online photo sites or social networking sites. We can't use words to describe every single moment well, but a picture captures the smiles and emotions and joy that words maybe cannot. So don't feel ashamed taking a picture of nearly everything on that trip to Europe or wherever. In the end, it will allow you to easily share an experience with someone, without needing to attempt to use words that likely would never do quite as good a job.

8. You have great story material.

Pictures themselves tell stories of laughs and love and tears. Of joy and happiness, of a peaceful moment. I love scrapbooks and photo albums because they're a sort of story book. But also, pictures really are great ways to bring up conversations at parties. if you seen an interesting or beautiful photograph, you can bring it up with the host or someone else who's looking at the picture. Or, if you happen to be the host, having a lot of pictures around your house can certainly spark conversation between guests. Plus, you can tell the story of that vacation, including all the funny and sometimes painful anecdotes, making people laugh and smile and want to tell their own stories. Just make sure you know what the picture you're looking at is a picture of, so you don't embarrass yourself telling a long story about your vacation to California when in fact you're looking at a picture of Mexico or something. Yes, this even applies if it's your own photo. Remember what that picture is of. Other people will notice your fake story...

9. A photo can capture soul.

This one is a little hard to explain, but I truly believe pictures capture the soul of the photographer. Even just what we choose to take pictures of gives people a glimpse of our soul: what we value, what we love, what makes us smile. Photos can also capture parts of your soul you don't have full access to or maybe that you're afraid of accessing. A picture doesn't lie, but words sometimes can. Your photographs not only capture a beautiful scene or a laughing friend, but they become an extension and essential piece of your soul. :)

10. You have something to blog about!

Ha, again: CLEARLY. But, I mean, I truly enjoy looking at people's pictures. Partially because I consider myself a (VERY AMATEUR) photographer, and partially just because I love looking at people's lives. Which sounds vaguely stalkerish. But we've all kind of become that in the time of the internet. We see that someone posted a new photo album, and we decide to go "creep" on it and look at every picture and marvel at the beauty and wonder of their lives. Mkay, but I also really enjoy looking at the scenic pictures that people take. And I think most people like looking at pictures, so they're a good fall back for a blog topic: Just share some good photos that have a little story behind them, and you can easily keep people happy.

I wrote my What Defines Me essay today. I think that I'm going to share that as my blog post tomorrow, and then try to be a bit more exciting for my LAST BEDA(ugust) post on Tuesday. Honestly, though, the homework isn't too bad yet, but I know it will soon and I'm kind of dreading that. *sigh*

As I was typing this, I had the Emmys on in the background. I don't even watch TV, but sometimes they are really funny. Nothing exciting this year, but maybe just because I miss Neil Patrick Harris. I was expecting something like THIS. And that didn't happen.

Mkay. Well I should get some sleep while I can. Yep.

Cheers!

Word of the day: Quorum--a select group

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "The camera can photograph thought." ~Dirk Bogarde

Confessions of a Nerd Girl Part VIII

So, I really should have worked on that "What Defines Me" essay today. I mean, I basically spent the entire day thinking of what to write about, and I'm still not sure. It's late now, but I'm going to at least try to get something down. At least I did my Chem and Bio homework, so I don't have to worry about those tomorrow.

Plus, I did genuinely enjoy getting to work with those wonderful kids and horses today. There's something so special about seeing a kid really connect with such an animal. I'm glad I chose to volunteer there. :)

Mkay, well, onto the confessions:

1. I have a passion for photography.

I am by no means a fantastic photographer, especially since I don't have a very good quality camera. But I really love taking pictures of the world. That's really what I mostly take pictures of: scenery, cities, the sky, animals, flowers, little signs I find fascinating. You rarely find pictures of me. A couple more of friends and such, but not that many. I think my sister ended up taking all the pictures of me at work this summer. I'm not really sure, because it's not like I hate people or something.* Maybe, I think, just reminding myself of the beauty of the world around me reminds me not to give up. Actually, I kind of have this weird obsession with the sky. I think the sky is just so beautiful in how quickly it changes, but how it is always 100% beautiful, even when snow is falling or on the grayest of days. So maybe that's it: I admire something that can change so easily but never lose what it really is. Hmm...that sounds really stupid, that I admire the SKY, when it's not even conscious, but I do, in a lot of ways.

Sometimes I feel like I use a camera lens to view the world because I'm afraid of the world seeing me. If I hide behind the camera, then I get to see everything and remember everything without being seen or remembered myself.

Mostly, though, I like recording the world. I like having proof of the places I've been, though I realize I rarely have proof that *I* was actually there. I like being reminded of how beautiful the world is. I like being reminded of how I felt standing in front of that vast ocean, even 5 years later. Pictures capture something unique: Feelings and memories. And in a unique way, that I can't fully describe. To me, though, it's absolutely wonderful. =]

2. Sometimes, I just love getting dressed up.

My basic wardrobe is jeans, shorts, t-shirts, or a couple of other random "nicer" shirts. In the winter, a long sleeved tee or sweater and a sweatshirt. Running shoes or converse. Hair randomly down and straight or back in a regular ol' ponytail. Ha, largely because I don't know how to dress really well. But also because I'm a LITTLE bit lazy in the mornings and don't want to put a huge effort into what I wear. Sometimes I wish I did put more effort in, because I feel like it would boost my confidence.

Why do I feel that way? Because dressing up does give me a tiny little boost in self-esteem. I actually LOVE dresses, but I don't wear them very often. I love cute shoes, but I don't know how to match them with the proper clothing.** I wear dresses to school sometimes, but mostly I stick to those basics I listed above. What I really love is getting dressed up to go out somewhere. Wearing a beautiful dress and some nice shoes to a play. Putting on a gorgeous, but simple dress and doing my best to curl my hair for a school dance. Finding a nice outfit and fixing my hair to go out to a nice dinner/function with my parents and some of their friends. I really don't know why it makes me feel better about myself, but it does. I love looking fancy and feeling good about the outfit I'm wearing. Ha, sometimes in the summer I just randomly put on a pair of high heels and wear them around the house just because they make me smile.

Unfortunately, I don't have too many reasons to get all dressed up anymore. I wish I did.

3. I still read books from my childhood when I need a good escape.

The Babysitter's Club. Dolphin Diaries. The Ramona series. Sharon Creech. Andrew Clements. E.L. Konigsberg. Those few Battle of the Books books that I still own. I mostly do this when I don't have any other books to read, but sometimes I do it in the middle of reading another great book just because I really need that escape back to my childhood. Back to a simpler time, when these books still excited me so much. And, I mean, they're all clearly well written and wonderful stories. Not the most intellectually stimulating, but I read them when I'm tired of reading intellectually stimulating books. I find myself especially rereading Sharon Creech's and Andrew Clements' books over and over again, because I loved them so much and the stories are so wonderful. Often, I feel bad for keeping these books rather than giving them to kids who will really love them, but at least I still read them, so they don't go to waste, right?

I am going to go try to at least start that essay. Maybe write a couple of opening sentences on the few topics I have rolling around in my head, so tomorrow it will be easier (maybe) to choose which one to write.

Also, I'm watching 50 First Dates right now, and thinking how wonderful it would be to wake up and be constantly surprised by the world. I mean, I'm not saying it's good to lose your memory. That part would NOT be wonderful. But also working with this one super sweet girl this afternoon, who was excited and happy about every little thing. I wish I could have that. Most of us just end up finding life so mundane and boring, sludging through each day like it will never end. Waiting for something exciting to happen. When, really, the excitement is everywhere, if we'd just see it. I so wish I still could.

Woah. So only 3 days left of BEDA(ugust)!!! Tomorrow will be my last edition (for this year) of Kat's Top Ten Reasons to (do something). Does anyone else feel like August also went by really fast?

Cheers!

Word of the day: Veridical--truthful; genuine

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "I finally figured out the only reason to be alive is to enjoy it." ~Rita Mae Brown

*(I know I don't take pictures of myself because I hate a good 95% of pictures of me. Ugh.)

**Well, and also for a good 9 months, you're never sure how cold it will be in the morning or if it will snow. So it's often not smart to wear cute shoes. I still do sometimes, but I always regret it...

Time for a Story! (Excerpt)

I can't think of anything to blog about today, since some things have happened that have made me question and think a lot. My mind is just too jumbled. It's a good thing I had a back up plan! I'm going to share another chapter of my story...in place of an actual blog. But I hope you enjoy it nonetheless!

Chapter 20:

My days and weeks fall into a distinct pattern now. Wake up, eat some yogurt and fruit, do other get ready things. Go to school. Do work and try to pay attention. Take tests. Eat lunch alone. Go to dance. Come home. Go to the gym and run on the elliptical. Return home, eat dinner. Work on homework. Have insomnia and get five hours of sleep or less. And repeat.

On weekends, I usually manage to get more sleep. Every Saturday, I wake up, go to dance for four hours, sit at Rachel’s studio for another two hours pretending like I’m actually helping out. Sit and listen to Rachel, admiring her passion for life, until her mom comes to pick her up. Come home. Go to yoga (usually). Return home, eat dinner. Sit around doing who knows what until I hear a car in the driveway and sneak up to my room, trying to pretend like I don’t exist.

Sundays are usually filled with a lot of homework. And now that it’s cold and snowy, I don’t really do much else on Sundays. Sometimes I go to the ATM at the grocery store and deposit the money I get from “teaching,” my weekly allowance of five dollars, and whatever money I’ve gotten from various dance sponsors that month.

One Sunday a week before Thanksgiving Break, I’m lying on my bed staring at the ceiling. I’m trying to build up the motivation to do my homework when I hear the doorbell ring downstairs. It’s probably for my mother, an idea that I don’t doubt when I hear her begin to talk to whoever it is excitedly. But not five minutes later, she calls up the stairs, “Audrey, a friend’s here to visit you!” I can hear the smile in her voice. I have no idea who it is. My friends now consist of Rachel, basically. It could be Jana or Robin, but I thought they’d both given up. I suppose it could also be someone from dance or school, but my mother probably wouldn’t have greeted them the way she did if that was true.

I sit up, realizing that I haven’t brushed my hair or gotten dressed today. I quickly run a brush through my hair, pull on a pair of leggings and a big sweatshirt from camp. I also slip on a pair of flats. My eyes have dark circles underneath them, and my lip has a deep red line (a scab) from where I’m always biting it. I sigh, giving up my face as a lost cause, tuck my hair behind my ear, and plod downstairs.

Lo and behold, Robin is standing awkwardly in our front hallway. I stop at the end of the stairs and cross my arms over my chest, looking at the floor. I clear my throat to let him know I’m here, raising my eyes slightly.

“Hey!” He says surprisingly warmly. He takes his hands out of his coat pockets, and formally folds them in front of him. I notice that he looks oddly formally dressed for a Sunday morning. But, then again, not everyone is as lazy as I am on Sundays. He’s wearing a pair of black pants and a leather jacket, and somehow he doesn’t look tired at all.

“Hello,” I respond, biting my lip yet again.

It’s obvious that he’s thought about what he wants to say to me. He has very few pauses, and his words sound distinctly reversed. He clears his throat, and begins. “Audrey. I’m worried about you. You never talk to anyone anymore. It seems like you’ve lost all of your emotion, but I know deep down in your eyes that it’s still there. But you just never stop. You’re always going, going, going, like the damn Energizer bunny or something. Do you ever slow down anymore?” Now he pauses for a moment. I can see in his face that he’s trying to figure out how exactly to says something more tender and fragile. “You look so tired, Audrey. I don’t know if you stop to look at yourself. But your face is gaunt, pale, and you always have those dark circles.” He sighs. “I just…I hope you know you’re not alone.”

When he finishes, I just look at him, directly in the eyes.

“Well?” He looks frustrated now, something I’ve never seen in him before. “Oh, come on, Audrey, just talk to me. Even if you don’t want to tell me everything. Tell me something. Please?”

I can see the desperation in his eyes. Suddenly, I’m angry. I’m scared that someone still cares about me so much. Before I realize what I’m saying, I burst out, “Where exactly do you think you come off telling me how I’m feeling? Or telling me I need to change the way I’m living my life? I mean, god, it’s my life and as long as I’m not hurting anyone, what business is it of yours?”

Instantly, I can see the pain in his face. And I’m sorry for what I said. I can see that he wants to respond, but is battling the other part of him that now wants to stay far away from my life.

I sigh, and finally uncross my arms, letting a small part of my guard down. I look at the floor. “Look, I’m sorry. I don’t really mean all of that. I’ve been really stressed lately, and I don’t know how to talk to anyone anymore.”

He nods. “I understand. But maybe we could go running together or get a cup of coffee or grab lunch sometime? Even if you don’t want to talk about what’s going on, maybe it will help to just have some fun with someone.” In his eyes, I see love and hope and care. All of the things I felt over the summer, that somehow disappeared when I left that supportive atmosphere. His love scares me and saddens me, because I want it so much.

I pause. There’s no way I’m letting him into my running routine. Probably not lunch, either. Now that I’ve spent two months eating lunch alone, it’s hard to imagine bringing someone else into that ritual, either. But I’m not against coffee.

I bite my lip again, and then am immediately angry that I can’t stop this habit. “Coffee would be okay, I reply. Maybe one morning before dance. Though it’s going to start getting crazy with Nutcracker rehearsals.”

That last sentence is the closest I’ve come in a long time to starting a conversation. He nods, happy. Realizing I’m probably being rude leaving him in the doorway, I ask, “Do you want to come in? My mom has a lot of leftover food from her parties, and I think she has some really good muffins from a breakfast yesterday.”

“I can only stay for twenty minutes. I have to go to a wedding of my parents’ friend soon.” I lead him into the kitchen, where I get out two muffins. He eats his happily. I pick at mine, eating considerably slower than him.

“So, are you excited for the Nutcracker this year?”

I shrug. “I guess. I’m finally playing Clara, so that’ll be good I guess. I’ve waited so many years to play the main character. How about you?”

“Oh, well, I’m just a soldier this year, even though I was moving up at my last studio. Seniority and all that.”

I nod, and we fall into an awkward silence. Robin finishes his muffin, looks at his watch, and says he has to go. I nod. “Next Sunday maybe?” He asks, as he’s halfway out the door.

“Sure. E-mail or call to remind me, though.”

He smiles, and for a moment he pauses on the threshold, as if there’s something else. Then he finally waves, turns, and closes the door.

I leave my half finished muffin on the counter in the kitchen. I’m sure Sophie will finish it when she gets home from wherever she is without even thinking about it. I never really wanted it in the first place, but it would’ve seemed weird to just watch Robin eat a muffin.

It’s eleven. I grab my keys and decide to go to the bank, since I got some money recently from a couple dance stores around here for using my pictures in their ads, pamphlets, or catalogs. I don’t exactly enjoy seeing myself this way, especially since it’s usually not a candid picture, so they look awkward and posed. I wish they’d come to dance practices or performances and snap pictures and use those. But whatever. It’s good money, which I need for gas.

As I wait in line for the ATM, I realize how boring my life has gotten. When did I fall into these rituals? I don’t remember. But now I’m one of those people who comes to the grocery store to deposit her money on a Sunday morning in the wet snow.

I return home and walk straight up to my room. I place my keys loudly on my desk and throw myself down onto my bed. On my bedside table, I have two pictures. One of Holly and me riding horses a few summers ago. And one new one from this summer after the recital. It’s Robin, Amber, and me sitting on the steps of one of the cabins. I’m still in my costume, and in the picture we’re all laughing, holding bottles of water, and squinting into the camera. The sun is shining down on my hair, making both it and my face glow.

Where did that happiness go? Where did the hope go?

I move my head so I’m staring up at the ceiling again, white and endless.

And for a million different reasons, I cry.

Word of the day: Scintilla--a tiny or scarcely detectable amount; the slightest particle; a trace; a spark

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "I have written every poem, every novel for the same purpose--to find out what I think, to know where I stand." ~May Sarton

Lifting Spirits

I know yesterday's post was really short. But I really had very few words yesterday. I was upset and I was also stressed about having to write my first product for a new, incredibly tough English teacher. I still don't have the words to say what needs to be said. I know I have a lot of strong feelings, but they are all deeply personal and I'm not sure I'm ready to share them with the world. So, as weird as it feels, I'm going to move on and focus on some other things.

Yesterday I also found out FINALLY that I got a 6 on my IB SL Math test (a 7 is the highest possible), which was exciting. I'd been expecting to get a 5, so I'm glad I got higher than I expected. This usually happens though--I tend to think I did worse on a test than I actually did. I also did manage to get Mockingjay yesterday because our librarian had ordered them. :D So now I can wait to buy it, and just read it now whenever I have time.* Those two things definitely brightened my day and lifted my spirits yesterday.

I've been thinking a lot lately about what to write my college essay on and how exactly to write it without it coming across the wrong way. Actually, our English teacher assigned us a "What Defines Me" essay, with the hope that we will turn it into a college personal statement. I can only think of one "unique" experience I have that may set me apart, but I'm terrified of writing about it. I don't really feel like I have the RIGHT to write about it, because it's still very much a part of me. But we'll see. I'm going to spend my weekend trying to write this paper. To be honest, I'd much rather right a passage analysis of The Fountainhead or something. It's going to be so much harder for me to write about myself and confront those pieces of me I pretend don't exist. *sigh* But maybe it will be good for me?

I also get to start volunteering at the Pikes Peak Therapeutic Riding Center again on Saturday, which I am very happy about. Those kids have such incredible spirits and strenghs, and working with them gives me so much hope. And even though I don't get to ride the horses, just being around horses lights up my own spirit. Horses are such special animals. I really wish I had the time and money to ride them more often.

Well. I feel like I should try to set a topic for myself for tomorrow, but I can't think of anything at the moment. Hopefully during the course of tomorrow, I will figure out some topic. Something more interesting than the past 2 days.

One more day until the weekend!....And then I get to write that essay......

Cheers!

Word of the day: Milquetoast--a timid, meek, unassertive person

Inspirational quote/photo of the day:

*LITERALLY, whenever I have time. I've just been carrying around that book and reading it whenever I have a free moment. I'm loving it so far, but am avoiding spoilers like the plague.

No words

I just don't really know what to say today. This recent news in the nerdfighter community...it breaks my heart. I've just had a lot on my mind today. It doesn't help that I got the news in second period today, so it was plaguing me for the rest of the day.

I feel like I've undergone so much loss in the past 2 years, and it's just really starting to overwhelm me. I'm losing myself now too, and I'm scared. I don't understand why these wonderful people are taken from us.

Somewhere inside me, there are much more eloquent and comprehensible words to describe my feelings and thoughts right now. But they're not really coming to me right now. So I'll just say this:

Esther, I love you. We only talked a couple times, but you are beautiful in every possible way. Wherever you are, I hope it's beautiful. I know you're lighting it up with your courage and hope and beautiful spirit. Thank you for all you have given the world and taught me about strength. I will NEVER forget you.

"You think the ones we love ever truly leave us?" ~Albus Dumbledore

The Truth is Out There

Well, so, today was a rather stressful day at school. The English test was just a lot of frantic matching and filling in the blank and writing a short paragraph. It wasn't all that hard, but I think that's because I studied like crazy. If I hadn't studied, it would have been a ridiculously hard test. But I guess we'll have to see how I do...Then the teacher tried to explain objectivism to us, but I'm still not completely sure I understand it...And I have to write a socratic question involving objectivism and The Fountainhead and stuff for Thursday. I know this teacher grades really hard too, so I'm kind of terrified and feel really pressured to write some fantastic question. *deep breath* In Chemistry he ended the class with this really difficult question that I don't understand but have to complete for homework. Then, in History, I was given the task of teaching about 1.5 centuries of European history to a group in 9 bullet points, which just...stressed me out. I'm not meant to be a teacher. Plus, I left my assignment sheet for the socratic at home, so I couldn't work on it in the library after school, which is what I WANTED to do. So I'm writing this in the library instead. But I'm stressed, and didn't exactly have a good day, so I apologize if this blog isn't all that great. Once again, I'm very glad I already set a topic for myself yesterday night. SO. X-Files. I cannot remember if I started watching the show in 2005 or 2006. I feel like I should remember, because it was certainly a very significant event in my life, since I spent the next 4/5 years watching it with my family. But anyway, my dad introduced us to the show in the fall of one of those years, after he ordered the Korean version of all 9 seasons off of Amazon.* At the same time, I was having him watch the seasons of Charmed with us, which is probably one reason it took us so long to get through the series: We would choose which one we'd rather watch, and I think at the time I usually voted Charmed. I really did love the show from the very beginning. And until the very end, unlike a lot of people. Some of the episodes are really stupid or make no sense, but overall the show follows a very intelligent, engaging, and interesting storyline. I like the show because it really does make me THINK about why we believe what we believe. This is not saying I believe in monsters/supernatural forces/aliens necessarily, but it makes me think about what could be possible. Sometimes the episodes just make me laugh a lot. A few of them are absolutely terrifying (like that one about the computers, and this creepy one about an evil doll). Really, I suppose the show mostly has a "cult" following. It's not the most popular show, and a lot of people don't really know the show very well. But I find it has a lot of aspects that reflect or comment on our lives and society, once you look beyond the aliens and liver eating men and all of that other stuff. The show examines loss, love, temptation, self-doubt, and the power we give to others over our own actions. It examines how one maintains strength in the face of the worst circumstances or doubt of others on your ability to do something. It looks at how we can place our entire faith in one thing and spend our lives looking for that one thing that will make our lives worth living--and what will happen if that one thing does not exist? Themes such as jealousy and acceptance certainly appear. Basically, I find that it's one very long social commentary on the state of our world and how we cannot ignore what could be possible, outside of our own consciousness. The number one thing I love about the show is that it shows how people refuse to give up on something, no matter what they face. Mulder of course embodies this, and Scully comes to next. Even Dogget and Reyes embody this idea by the end of the series, though the things they refuse to give up on are not necessarily the same as what Mulder or Scully hold on to. It just reminds me that life is beautiful and anything is possible, no matter what anyone tells you is true. We should not simply accept what we are told, but question everything. Form our own beliefs and value systems, rather than become a part of an ignorant or apathetic collective whole. Okay, and I also do like the aliens and monsters. They add something fun and exciting onto those storylines/background themes. Plus, I'm not ashamed to admit that I can't help but wonder if there are "aliens" out there somewhere, because it seems impossible that we are the only living, conscious beings in the entire universe. Oh, and as I mentioned yesterday, I love the quotes that come from The X-Files. They're so beautiful--like I said, they comment on life. Well, and there are several absolutely hilarious ones as well. But I just think the show is really well written and also wonderfully acted by David and Gillian. Mmm, and I also really admire Scully's strength through some of the worst hardships. I truly wish I had her strength and courage. If you haven't ever seen the X-Files, you should try it. And if you happened upon a random rerun and didn't like it...you should try to go back and watch the Pilot and the first few episodes, so that you really comprehend what the story's about. THEN I'll let you decide whether or not you like the show. And only then. Happy Birthday John Green and Frak!!! And Happy Mockingjay Release Day. I won't be getting the book until this weekend, so PLEASE don't spoil me. I really want to find out what happens completely on my own. :) I think I have a good question for my socratic right now, but I'm going to go try to find quotes to make sure I can thoroughly answer the question with highly supportive quotes. Because that's the most important thing I have to do. Hopefully I can find quotes and stick with my question and start answering it. I really, really hope. Mmm...tomorrow I think I'll discuss weather issues and preferences, since Colorado has had some strange weather lately. That does not sound like an exciting topic, but I'm getting stressed just a little. I'll try to incorporate some funny weather stories to interest any readers I have. :D Cheers! Word of the day: Jeremiad--a prolonged lamentation or complaint Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "Every minute of every day we choose. Who we are. Who we forgive. Who we defend and protect. To choose a side or to walk the line. To play the middle. To straddle the fence between what is and what should be." ~Walter Skinner, The X-Files

Quotes Bring Hope

Okay, well since I'm kind of frantically studying for this Greek tragedy test in English tomorrow, this may not be a long post.

I remember one of my teachers last year saying that if we have to study for a test the night before, we weren't studying when we should have been: the days leading up to it. But I HAVE been studying since we got the terms on Friday, and I always do study for at least 4 days before the test, if not a whole week. Despite that, I ALWAYS freak out the night before and frantically study terms, concepts, definitions, whatever might be on the test. Plus, I'm scared for this first test from a new teacher, because I know she's hard. SO, I'm learning these definitons by heart and rereading each of the readings she gave us several times. Yeah. Exciting night. Good thing I already finished my Calc and Chem homework. I can focus on English now. Joy.

And, thank goodness I already have a topic for this blog, so it shouldn't take too long. Yes. So, quotes.

You have probably noticed my love for/slight obsession with quotes, based on the fact that I always include one at the end of my blog. Sometimes I try to connect them with the main topic of a blog post, and other times I just find a quote I really love and want to share with the few readers of this blog of mine.

I'm not actually sure when I fell in love with quotes. I know that roughly 3 years ago I started actually making a book of quotes, writing my favorites in this journal that my uncle had given me. But I feel like I must have fallen in love with them before then, or I wouldn't have wanted to make that journal. I now also have an 8 page word document with quotes that I haven't had the chance to write in that quote book, because I don't have it with me at this house. And it's a lot quicker to just copy quotes into a word document. But maybe if I'm bored this Thanksgiving or Winter Break and I remember to pick up the book from my dad's house, I can spend a few hours copying the quotes in my own handwriting. :)

Anyway. WHY do I love quotes? Hmm. Well, they erally do inspire me and give me these little rays of hope in the middle of my mundane days, and they REALLY brighten my bad days. Sometimes a quote makes me laugh, sometimes it makes me cry, and sometimes it really makes me think. A lot of the time I just find really good quotes that describe my life in beautiful words that I could never quite find.

There's something amazing and comforting about reading words from someone that completely reflect your own thoughts or feelings. Even if you've never met the person who uttered those words, even if they're no longer alive, I still get that wonderful sense that I'm not alone. I'm really awful at translating my feelings and thoughts into actual comprehensible words, so I often use quotes to do that. I admire these people who can so beautifully and eloquently describe life and present their ideas to the world, who may reject or accept their words. I wish I had that courage. I mean, I know a lot of people don't know that their words will someday become famous quotes, but they still had the courage to put their words out there somehow for people to find and relate to.

This would be the point in a blog where I share my favorite quotes, but I do that every day. But a lot of people ask me where I find all of my quotes. Well, I read a lot, so I find quotes from books or authors, especially when I look up quotes that the AUTHOR has said. I also find some from movies or song lyrics. Or, when I'm bored, I go on tumblr and search for posts tagged with "quotes," and then spend a while looking for ones I like. After a certain point, if I find quotes that I like from a certain person, I go looking for other quotes as well. Oh, and I find a lot of quality quotes from TV shows...which is surprising, since I don't even WATCH that much TV. The X-Files has some beautiful ones, definitely.

I myself think that my obsession with quotes is just a little weird, but I don't really care. It's how I find hope. Maybe that's not good, that I depend on other people's words for my own hope, but I really do think their words help me realize what I'm actually thinking or feeling, and they remind me that life is beautiful. So, on second thought, no, I don't think there's anything wrong with finding hope in other people's words jsut because they can articulate things better htan I can.

I really do hope you read the quotes at the end of each post, because...well, I think they're inspiring, fascinating, and sometimes a little funny. You never know what I might share, so pay attention! =]

Anyway. I think I have these definitions by now. I know they'll be on the test, but I'm not sure what information from the readings will be on the test, so I'm going to reread both of those once more, and then try to get some sleep so I can actually be awake for the test tomorrow. Ah, tests. The one part about school I really truly detest, because they make me so ANXIOUS. I can deal with essays and projects and homework, but tests freak me out! Here's to hoping I do well, yes? *crosses fingers*

Since it worked well to already have a topic, I'm going to do that again just so I remember. Tomorrow, I will share my love for the X-Files with you, and try to explain why I love it so much. Because, really, I think everyone should watch at least one episode. It's so wonderful!

Cheers!

Word of the day: Squinny--coined by Shakespeare; to look or peer with eyes partly closed; squint

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe." ~Anatole France