Hello!!!!!!!!! :D :D :D
We went horseback riding today. As I said my last confessions post, I hate wearing jeans (for various reasons). But horseback riding is the only thing I'll break my no jeans rule for. It's been a long time since I've been riding, so I was a little nervous, but it all came back to me during the hour we were riding--about halfway through I finally got the hang of moving with the horse when it's trotting so you don't bounce up and down all the time. But it did remind me how much I miss camp and being around horses and taking care of them and riding them and teaching younger girls about them...*sigh* I truly wish I could've spent more of the past years with horses.
Anyway. Enough with the nostalgia and regret. Let's move on. Confession time!!!
1. I love dancing.
This is something I'd say not a lot of people know about me or would guess about me, since I do hate school dances and rarely actually dance at them. And I suppose that's because the music they play at those types of dances doesn't really...speak to me. I don't move in that way, to that type of music.
But I started dancing I think when I was around 4. In Texas I did ballet and tap dancing, and I have some really adorable pictures of me in crazy dance costumes wearing my mom's make-up. I remember liking dancing, but I certainly don't remember any of the dances we actually did...I was too young and it was too long ago.
For whatever reason, my parents didn't get me into dance when we moved to Colorado. I know I danced in Texas partially because of the convenience--my Catholic school had dance classes after school. And maybe I didn't ask to get back into dancing? I seriously have no idea. BUT, once I was in middle school, one of my really close friends mentioned she did dance at a place in town that wasn't too expensive and was very open to beginning or near-beginning dancers. So I originally started with a ballet class at age 12, and moved on to doing a "funky jazz" class--which basically meant we did jazz moves, more sophisticated, but with a little edge on them and to significantly different music. And I continued that until age 14. I know I stopped because I wanted to swim at school (which crashed and burned) but also because I wasn't really dancing with friends anymore. And I wasn't really finding myself, finding a way to express myself in the types of dances our teachers had us doing. I loved it, but it wasn't quite what I was looking for. Plus this was around the time I got super self-conscious and no longer believed I had any sort of grace on the dance floor.
.........I just realized that I am basically taking you on a journey of my life. Woops. Sorry. I'll get to the point soon.
So for a good 3 years I just pretended I hated dancing.* Until I was in the hospital this fall, and one of our groups was movement group. The first day in that class, I found myself. Which was amazing, because that was the point in my life where I was completely and totally lost, out of my body, falling through a black hole. But that first day...I just reached out and started moving with the other girls until we put together a beautiful dance to a song I recommended. I really opened up in a way I could in no other place, through no other means of expression.
While I was there, then, I choreographed a dance to one of my favorite songs with the movement instructor, trying to find a way to tell my story with my body. I hadn't yet been able to tell my full story with words or pictures, but somehow I think I managed to show with my body what I couldn't say. Of course, I didn't see the dance, but I know what I felt every time I performed it, and I know how the people I cared so much about and grew with reacted to it.
So yes. I love dancing. Moving my body allows me to express the thoughts and fears and emotions I cannot put out into the world in any other way. Dancing orients me in my own body and emotions, guiding me through pain and tears. I just close my eyes, take a deep breath, and move. Somewhere in that time, I find peace. I no longer pay attention to the world around me or the voices whispering in my ear. All of the sudden, I'm just me. And I can fly.
2. I would much rather live in a small town than a big city.
I mean...I have nothing against big cities. I love Boston, and that's a really big city. I had fun in New York. I live in one of the top 50 cities in the US by population. But deep down, I would much rather visit these places than live in them. It's a bit too much noise, too many cars, and too far away from nature.
I'd love to live in a small mountain town or a little village down by the sea. I want to step out of my door into a deep forest or be able to smell the ocean breeze. I want to live in a close-knit community. I could really care less about the claim that "there's more to do in big cities.**" I can entertain myself just fine on my own. As long as I have books, nature, and some music, I'm happy.
3. I wish I was better at making friends.
*sigh* I don't mean to say that I'm completely shy. I've gotten better at talking to people and bonding with them. I'm not so afraid of going up to someone and talking to them anymore. But I just get the feeling a lot of the time that I really don't have that many friends. The people I was "friends" with at school really don't seem to care about me otherwise. The people I've spent the most time with--at Harry Potter conferences, at camp, in the hospital--are the ones I feel I can say I'm truly friends with. Because we took the time to bond and laugh and go a little crazy.
The thing is, I'm not really sure what I do different in those situations that make people want to be friends. Maybe it's the hanging out thing? But I do try to hang out with people from school, and it never works. Perhaps I just fit in with certain groups of people better than others, and I'm more likely to meet those people in a small, intimate, somewhat crazy setting than I am in the boring halls of high school.
Let's hope I make some good, caring friends at college, yes?
...........This entire blog entry was kind of intimate and probably a little to pensive. Sorry. These are just the three confessions I thought of today. To make up for all of that, I will give you a funny comic here:
Cheers!
Word of the Day: conglobate--to form into a ball
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: “There are times when the simple dignity of movement can fulfill the function of a volume of words.” -Doris Humphrey
Days until I leave for college: 6.25
*Which was partially true, because I really am not a fan of the dancing people do at school dances.
**This claim is totally not true anyway. There's certainly more to do in New York or Chicago, but this is not true of all/most big cities.
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