Ow. My feet. We did our hike today. :) My dad kept saying it was 9 miles, but when he actually checked his gps at the car, it said 10.4 miles. So my feet hurt, from just being on them for so long. However, I consider myself to be in pretty good shape, I run and walk and hike constantly, so nothing else is sore. My sister and her boyfriend both said they were super sore, though. I had an amazing time, though, even with the pain in my feet.
I know I always do Confessions on Saturdays, but I'm a little too tired right now to try to think of 3 confessions. Had I been smart, I would've written the blog yesterday so I could just post that blog today. But I was busy doing the alcohol education thing, talking to my advisor, writing yesterday's blog, and going to bed early so I wouldn't be tired today.* So I didn't write a blog yesterday.
Which I'm actually quite happy about. I had a lovely day and a rather spiritual experience on that long hike today, and I found some beauty in the world I'd forgotten about for so long. So I'm going to write about those feelings today before I lose them, and I'll do confessions on Monday when I'm sure I'll have less to talk about.
Let me start by saying that the first time I did this hike was when I was 9, I believe. I know we haven't done the hike every single year since that--we didn't do it in 2004 when my dad was in Iraq, and we didn't do it last year because I was in the hospital. And I'm sure there were a few other years we didn't do it, but whatever. The point is that I know this hike. Other than the local trails in my city, this is the trail I have hiked the most times in my life. So it means a lot to me. I recognize almost every turn and rock and hill. I truly do feel connected to the trail, the creek, the trees, the flowers, the beautiful rocks. The very end is kind of our secret little place, too.** I feel like I can breathe a little freer and live a little bigger when I'm out in the Lost Creek Wilderness area. It is incredibly beautiful, particularly this hike we do, and it itself survived the biggest fire in Colorado history in 2002. So it's a pretty amazing place itself, full of life and growth and rebirth.
Which makes it fitting for the spiritual...journey, I guess I'll say, I felt I had today.
Some of you may remember the grief I described over the death of my friend Nick on the 3rd day of BEDA this year. It's...it's not something that's always easy for me to put into words. But I loved him, I really did. And I don't mean I loved him as a boyfriend, I mean I really loved his spirit and his heart and just him as a person. He lived a beautiful life, and helped me in so many small ways that turned out to make all the difference. It took me a long time to really grieve for him, because I think it scared me that he was gone. He was so beautiful and so lovely; he deserved life so much more than I believe I do. So I didn't trust myself. I didn't know how to live, and I didn't want to grieve, because I didn't want to accept that he was gone.
But, again, as I expressed in that blog, I've come to realize with the help of some other beautiful souls I've met this year that Nick isn't really gone from this world. His spirit lives on still, if only for the simple reason that I will not allow him to be forgotten as long as I live. The way he lived his life, his beautiful soul and ever-present smile will continue to affect my life. Forever. Forever, I love him. Forever, he lives on in me. I used to think he was just gone...nothing of him left here on this earth. But every single one of us leaves an imprint on this world after we've passed. Whether it's truly soul/spirit or whether it's the memories people have of us, we're never truly gone.
I miss him a lot. I still miss him so much. Sometimes it feels unbearable still, because I want so much for him to be here with us. I wanted him to experience the end of school with us, I want to watch him go off to college, I want to watch him laugh and play basketball and goof around in class again. I want him here.
Really, though, every time I want him, I can just reach out my heart and my soul. I close my eyes, breathe in deep, and he's there. In the air I breathe, in the baby blue sky above, in the purple of the flowers. He is here for me, every day. If I let my heart listen, his spirit and his advice can still guide me through life.
This is something I don't think anyone knows but me: I figured out about his death rather late in the day. September 26, 2009. An evening I will never forget. This was the time before I considered it necessary to check Facebook in the morning,*** and I wasn't truly close enough to him for his parents or super close friends to inform me of the news in the morning.**** So on that day, I went off on this same hike with my dad in the morning. I had a lovely time, as I always do on this hike. With the beauty and fresh air, it's almost impossible not to. When we came home in the evening I got on Facebook then...and my heart broke. I didn't really know how to act or think or live. Here I was, I'd just had a lovely, wonderful day living and breathing and walking, and he...couldn't do any of that anymore. For that evening, and for weeks after, I was rather numb. The first days at school were awful, his memorial that weekend was tough, and I'm not sure I've ever cried that much in a week since or before.
Basically, I didn't know how to wrap my head around his death. I never got to tell him how much he helped me every day, how much I loved him and his spirit. I didn't think I was "allowed" to feel so sad or grieve so much when I wasn't nearly as close to him as his best friends. I was lost, falling, and I couldn't sense Nick in anyway around me. And I basically lived that way for a good year.
Again, I'm not great at putting my feelings of Nick into words all the time, especially when I discuss that first month and that first year when I was so numb. So sorry if that passage was weird.
In the time since December 2010, though, I've learned how to remember him in my own way. I've learned it's okay to cry on the most random days, just because I'm sad. And I miss him. I know he's not gone, not for me. I think he knows now how much I love him. I think I have to believe that, for myself, whether it can be true or not. I believe in him, I believe in his spirit, and I believe he's still here for me.
So the hike today...I just felt like I could feel Nick's spirit with me every step of the way. Especially once we got to our secret little vista. With beauty like this in the world, how could I ever believe he was gone? Nick was beauty in our world, and it exists everywhere. He's still a part of that, for me. Every breath I breathed in, the cold water on my skin, the bright sun hitting my eyes...and I knew I wasn't alone. Not just literally, but spiritually. His spirit is always there next to mine, as long as I want him to stay alive for me. He IS lovely, he IS beautiful, and he DOES still help me along the labyrinth of life, offering a smile, a laugh, a helping hand. I love him. Always.
...................
Okay, I really do not know how to transition from that. Sorry. Kind of abrupt here. That was really hard to write, but it was also fresh on the surface. I know this is REALLY one of my reflective, introspective blogs, and some of you may find it strange. But it's the way my mind works. And I really needed to get these thoughts down into words and paragraphs. I need to remember how I felt today, so I can remember in the future that Nick is there always, so I can remember when I forget. When I feel lost again.
This hike means even more to me than it did before, if that's possible. I...I don't know. I've never had such a spiritual connection to a place. I think I've finally found it. And maybe that's a piece I needed all along to complete my own soul.
It was a lovely day. Both because I love hiking and I love our destination, and for everything I just wrote. But I honestly am very tired now. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......
If you did not enjoy the entire blog, I hope you at least enjoyed my lovely pictures from today. I love all of you.
Cheers!
Word of the Day: meander--a curve or a bend in a river (noun)
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "The trees grow so thick/You can barely see through/But the forest bestows the simplest of truths/You think you'll be happy if granted one more wish/But the truth is you'll never need more,/You'll never need more/You'll never need more than this." -Vanessa Carlton, "More than This"
Days until I leave for college: 13
*Which worked! Yay!
**Other people know about it, but not very many. Because we always see people hanging out right before the secret place...but few people seem to know how to get there.
***Actually, I have wondered occasionally if I got into the habit of checking Facebook so often because I was afraid. Of this.
****To be perfectly honest, his parents may still not know who I am by sight or by Nick talking about me, but I don't find that relevant anymore to how I feel still
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