Changes

I got a haircut today. I know, exciting opening to a blog post. It's not an incredibly dramatic haircut, because I only got maybe an inch and a half off of the bottom. BUT....I did finally get bangs. Rather short bangs. Bangs I can't just push behind my ears if I want to. I don't know why this seems like a big deal to me, but it is for some reason. A lot of women seem to equate cutting off their hair with a huge change. I know a lot of women, after a bad break-up, cut off a lot of hair. It's liberating, although I don't know why.

For example, Emma Watson recently cut her hair. Personally, I absolutely adore her haircut. She is amazingly beautiful, and the haircut brings out the true beauty in her face and eyes and...WOW. Let me say, I definitely understand her statement about needing change, and she was forced to keep the same haircut for TEN YEARS. Half of her life. I can't imagine having to keep something the same for that long.

Secretly, I kind of have the desire to do something dramatic to my hair. I've been going to the same hairdresser for 7 years.* It's nice, because she knows how I like my hair to look. But I'm afraid that it's gotten me into this comfort zone that I don't want to move out of unless someone pushes me. Today, I actually pushed her to make my bangs shorter, but I don't do that often. Really, I want to just go to a random hairdresser, sit down, and say, "Okay. I want you to cut my hair. As long as I can still pull it back into a ponytail for running, it's okay. Other than that, just do what you think will look good for my face and style. Now, GO." Ha, but as much as I crave that dramatic kind of change, I don't (yet) have the courage to actually go do it.

Anyway, this got me thinking about the idea of change. I have a weird relationship with change. I resist it, I'm kind of afraid of it, and new situations always take some getting used to. I'm still kind of getting used to my bangs, as I haven't had bangs since about 7th grade. I'm not looking forward to the change from summer to school. I still hate transferring between houses, although I put my foot down and haven't had to do that all summer.

At the same time, I crave change. I think we all do. There becomes a point when life just becomes completely monotonous, and we actually take the step to make change. I mean, my hair was incredibly boring and scraggly and had horrible split ends. Quite simply, I was bored of it. Currently, I'm also incredibly fed up with the way my life is going, and I want something to change so much. But I'm afraid, too.

I remember when I was in the hospital last year,** we did this one activity that let us know how open we were to change. I scored in the highest level, which stated something like I accept, crave, and seek out change. This surprised me so much, because I always feel like I avoid change. But I guess in the long run, I adjust to change. And I do seek out change...I just don't often go forward with those changes. I think I'm afraid to let go of what I have right now, because it's comfortable, if not exciting or happy.

What's the deal with change? We crave it so much, yet when it's forced upon us, we're...not always very agreeable.

I think we tend to hang onto the past, because our past very much defines us. But it's usually fake versions that we're using to define ourselves. Maybe the reason I'm so resistant to change is that I feel like I'm losing a part of myself when I change. It's like on those makeover/improvement shows, when the people claim that they can't change their clothes or their hair or stop doing drugs or whatever because THAT'S WHO THEY ARE. In the same way, I very much define myself by the mistakes I make and the situation I'm in, so I feel like if I change right now I'll be losing MYSELF. But rationally I know I won't be losing myself, I'll only be letting go of something that I don't even need. Something that is actually probably hurting me, and certainly preventing me from growing. I'm still me, without this.*** Really, I'm fooling myself into thinking that my past/my present is happy and wonderful, and if I change I'll fall apart. When actually I'm kind of falling apart right now. I need change. We all need change. It's how we move forward, and it's definitely how we learn who we really are, once we let go of our past, our material objects, old relationships, and things that are hurting us.

I haven't totally rejected the idea of change yet. But this change**** is one of the biggest changes I think I've ever considered/faced in my entire life. Consequently, it's absolutely terrifying even to consider, much less actually carry out. It's a challenge, and it's testing my willingness to change. I guess I'll just have to see how it goes, and hopefully it will turn out with me letting go, growing, and learning about who I am without this.

I mean, hey. Getting bangs took some courage, although that sounds incredibly pathetic. Even small changes take courage. Maybe I just have to get through some small changes, build up my courage before I take the GIGANTIC step in truly changing my life.

Because I want to experience different things. I just hope I can build up the strength to do that. I'm willing to change, just not quite willing enough yet.

I also got some pencils today. For me, this was an incredibly exciting moment, because I have this one brand of mechanical pencils that I use and I can't stand using anything else. It just now occured to me that that doesn't fit well with my message of us needing change, but I don't care. I LOVE these pencils. We couldn't find them anywhere in town, but we finally found them on the BX at the Air Force Academy, where I was for some doctor's appointments--which, incidentally, got me questioning my willingness to change. In truth, I can't keep waiting for my life to change. I have the power, and I need to change my own life. No one else can. Yep. It's scary, but it's necessary. Just sayin'.

Shark Week has a countdown of the 10 deadliest sharks on right now. The lemon shark (#10) has only attacked 20 humans, and killed none. On the other hand, the great white shark (#1) has attacked 116 humans, and killed 67. That's a freaking huge difference!!! Bull sharks I think are technically more numerous, and so perhaps actually #1, but in my opinion, the shark that has KILLED more people is more deadly. Yeah.

But for some reason, I still love sharks....

I feel like this blog post was incredibly rambly, and I'm not sure if I ever got to a point. In case I didn't, here it is: Change is scary. We hold onto the past, because it feels comfortable. But we need change, or we never grow or learn. Any little type of change takes a lot of courage, but in the end only we have the power to create change. So if you want change, just work to build up your courage, take a deep breath, and take that painful step forward. 99 times out of 100, the change will turn out to be something you're incredibly grateful you did. =]

Cheers!

Daily Shark Week picture:

Daily Shark Week fact: Sharks should actually fear humans more than we fear them. Humans kill more than 73 million sharks annually, while sharks only kill around 15 humans per year around the world, with 50 to 70 attacks. Poor little sharks.

Days left of summer: 10

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself." ~Andy Warhol

*It's really weird that she's watched me grow up, but I'm glad I'm comfortable around her, since I'm a very awkward and shy person in general. Just once, I feel like I should try someone else, though.

**SERIOUSLY long story. One that's not very happy. So please don't ask, because there's only a 0.01% chance I'll actually want to tell you.

***"This" being something that literally is hurting me, that I'm incredibly ashamed of, and yet am still hanging on to. Yep.

****Again, letting go of that painful thing and actually living without it for once. I know I'm being vague, but I don't want to share ALL the details of my life on the internet. Although, that would probably help me boost my courage and willingness to change. Perhaps someday...