Six months

Today is my half-birthday. I remember when I was younger I would get really excited about my half-birthday. There was a great amount of pride in being able to say, "I'm eight and a HALF," instead of just eight. Looking back, I think it was basically just the desire that we all have to be older. The "big kids"* filled us with awe and wonder, and sometimes a little bit of fear. As I grew up, however, I lost the fascination with being such-and-such age and a half. Instead, it became what it is now: a way to mark the time until my next birthday. And, I suppose, a way to mark the halfway point in a year, even though it occurs in August, not June...A halfway point in another year of my life, growing up.

This time the half-birthday thing means even more to me because it means SIX MONTHS until I turn eighteen. Eep.

On the one hand, I desperately want to be eighteen. I'm more excited for college than I am for my senior year of high school. I want to be free from the jurisdiction of my parents, even though I know I'll still mostly listen to them. Eighteen seems like such a magical age to our society, even though we don't suddenly change when we're no longer seventeen. We're still teenagers, and by no means full adults yet. But there's still that little thrill of being able to join the "adult" world and be able to vote, go into casinos, buy lottery tickets, etc, etc... I do desperately want to have the chance to live away from my parents and discover who I am when I'm not trying to fit myself to their image.**

However, on the OTHER hand, I'm kind of terrified of growing up. As much as I want responsibility for my own life, the thought also terrifies me. Putting my life in my own hands, with the jurisdiction of my own choices and desires...Wow. And I'm also scared of discovering who I really am. Which probably sounds really dumb, but I've lived under the view of my parents for so long that it's scary to think of who I am without them. I WANT to know myself, but I'm also scared of what I might find, you know?

I do want to grow up though. I think I need to experience that fear and realize that nothing huge will change. I'll still be me, just a little older and with slightly more responsibility for my own life.

Six months seems like an impossibly long time, but I'm always surprised by how quickly time passes. I can't believe it's already been six months since February. I can't believe it's been summer for 2 months and school starts in less than 2 weeks.

Time is a strange thing. In the present, we feel like time is passing astoundingly slowly. Most times, we are counting down to something that will happen in the future--a concert, a birthday, a holiday.*** That, or we dwell on the past, wishing we could change things that clearly can't be changed because they happened so long ago. I wish we could live in the present. Sure, there are the rare occasions when I'm ridiculously happy in the moment, and I don't want to leave or have time go forward or have anything change. Moments when I truly live and focus on how beautiful NOW is. But mostly I wait for things to come, watching the ordinary days pass by without recognizing the simple beauty of the fact that I've been given another day on this earth, despite its complete unremarkableness.

John Green is right. Imagining the future IS a kind of nostalgia. I'm not saying I'm going to stop doing it, but I do recognize that right now is beautiful and worthy just because it's RIGHT NOW.

Granted, I'm still waiting for my 18th birthday. But I'm going to try my hardest to not let these next six months just slip by unnoticed, overshadowed by the anticipation for February 5th.

We've been getting a lot of rain in the afternoons here lately. Let me tell you, I ADORE rain. Especially summer rainstorms, because they aren't freezing cold like a lot of the rain we get. I got caught in one of those rainstorms this afternoon while walking. Most people would go home as quickly as possible, but I cherish my time in the rain. There's something so beautiful, so powerful, and so cleansing about rain. It's infinitely astounding, and I don't know if words can even describe how much I love rain. But I really, truly do.

Currently, the Shark Week show is about river sharks. Be warned: Even rivers contain sharks! Although the bull sharks in this river have never attacked a person, so I'm guessing you're safe as long as you don't agitate them. Mostly, they seem to want to eat fishermen's catches.

Final note of this blog: I am really enjoying researching the Rwandan genocide for my extended essay. I hate that I have summer homework, but at least I find this part of it fascinating and actually want to keep reading more. What can I say, I love learning and I LOVE international relations and politics. Yeah.

Well...back to some more Shark Week and possibly some more research.

Cheers!

Daily Shark Week picture:

The ocean is just so wonderfully beautiful. And sharks only add to that beauty.

Daily Shark Week fact: If a shark does bite you, it most likely won't go back to for a second taste. Sharks can identify the taste of sea creatures. Your surf board may look like a seal, but you certainly don't taste like one. The shark may hold on for a few seconds, but then let go. It is very rare for sharks to bite a person more than once, even considering the fact that you are filling the surrounding water with blood.

Days left of summer: 11

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "Do not look back and grieve over the past, for it is gone. And do not be troubled about the future, for it has yet to come. Live in the present, and make it so beautiful that it will be worth remembering." ~One Tree Hill

*The big kids being like...10 or 11, but you know what I mean. Older. FASCINATING. Yeah.

**I do feel like when we live with our parents, we very much know who we are according to them, because most of us live to either please or rebel against our parents. But most of the time we don't define ourselves without that until we take a step back and away.

***Okay, in my case, I swear I'm always counting down to something, just because it's nice to have dates to mark during the year. But it's still probably not a good thing...