I've been meaning to do this for a long time, now, track my thoughts from last year, when I was in treatment, and compare them to how far I've come today, a year later.
Because I really do believe I've come a long way. It's not something I want to admit to myself a lot of the time, but it's the truth. I know that. I still can't be proud of myself, as so many people have told me I should be. But I know I've come a long way.
26 October 2010:
Why is it so hard to fight against? I'm getting tired and it just keeps getting harder. It's so much bigger than me, and I can no longer see or feel my own strength.
I remember this feeling so distinctly. I remember walking up to Gary in tears after family group that Tuesday night, just completely lost at how to fight back. I had been trying so hard, for an entire month, and yet nothing was changing. I couldn't dig into that deep reserve of strength inside me. I didn't know how to love. I was so, so afraid of everything, and I wasn't allowing myself to feel the things I needed to feel. I was allowing the eating disroder to overpower me, hiding in the showers, comfortable in my own uncomfortable place.
30 October 2010:
“For all the times we punish ourselves, very few times have we actually done something wrong.” ~John Mayer
I posted this quote as my status, because I think I knew how much I was punishing myself. I didn't completely accept the idea that I had done nothing wrong, but I wanted to. I hold onto little quotes like this to have hope. A little tiny ray of hope in all of the consuming darkness.
And what about today?
I see that girl I was a year ago. Crying, lost, empty, but so desperately reaching out for something more. I look up at the stars now, up into the whole grand universe, and I know I have a place in it. I don't know what that is yet, but I know it's somewhere. If you look at the probability of life in the universe, it's a miracle any of us are alive. We must be here for a reason, must have some effect on the happenings of physics.
I can stand tall now. I give myself permission to cry and permission to feel sad, but I also know how to reach out. I worry a lot, and I'm still afraid a lot of the time, but I'm more comfortable than I can ever remember being with NOT being in control of everything. The world changes. I change. People change. We have power, but we do not have control.
And that's okay.
I remember to breathe now. I think that's the most important thing. I also beleive I've found what I was missing--hope. There's a beauty in life, a beauty in being the person I am. I still have a lot of work to do to become the person I want to be, to be free, but I'm gaining little gifts every day. I keep them in my heart. And I love being alive.
Finally, I love being alive.
Word of the day: mesmerize--to fascinate
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "We realized over and over again that we were still alive. [...] It doesn't much matter when you have just now realized, all the time later, that you are still alive." -John Green, Looking for Alaska
