Airplane! (The Blog)

20 January 2012

3 and a half hours into 6 and a half (?) hour plane flight. And 13.5 hours in transit so far today. I’m tired. My back hurts. I am sitting on my stuffed shark to attempt to help. I’ve had several unfortunate travel problems today. But I’m going HOME. Back to Hawaii. So I’m happy nevertheless.

I keep thinking about what John and Hank would be doing right now in my situation. Making a vlog. I mean, okay, maybe not, because I can only remember one instance for EACH of them when they vlogged from an airplane. But still. That’s definitely what they would’ve been doing during my 3 hour layover in Phoenix.

However, I’m not much of a vlogger. I’ve tried it. It was fun. But I don’t really think I’m the person who can be super exuberant in front of a camera. Maybe I’d grow into it, but sometimes I wonder…what’s the point, if no one is going to watch it? Ha, and that’s really why I never update this blog either. Because I never expect anyone to read it. And I know of maybe one person (other than me) who does. It’s unfortunate, really, because I love to write. And I like looking back at my blogs from the 3 various BEDAs. But for some reason, no matter how much I emphasize that “this year I will write more…” it NEVER happens. April and/or August ends and the blogs largely stop. Why is it that we can never keep promises to ourselves?

I think on some level it’s because I want the justification. I want to know that people are reading my words, that people think my thoughts and life are important. My dad has this somewhat funny and extremely sad thing where he gets really upset if no one likes his Facebook statuses or posts. And tries to get people to like them. It’s the same thing, really. JUSTIFICATION. We’re all searching for our place in this vast world of ours. I like to think that the internet can help all of us to do this, because we can be connected in so many new and exciting ways. And I hope, hope, HOPE that no legislation in Congress can stop this lovely, beautiful, mesmerizing spider web we have created and nourished. Because I’ve made some of my best and truest friends through the internet (and Harry Potter, but still…) and been able to keep in touch with faraway friends.

So maybe I don’t know where I belong in the world yet. But for the first time in my life that I can remember, I’m happy. I have friends who actually want to hang out with me. And I’m finding and doing what I love, out there on this vast ocean that I am currently flying over. I cannot actually see the ocean right now, which is sad. I always end up with the aisle seat, which I do like for a couple reasons. One, I am slightly claustrophobic, so I like to have some space around me. Two, I don’t have to ask people to move when I need to go the bathroom (though they always have to ask me to move…) However, sometimes I’d rather give up those reasons for a window seat. I love to look out the window, watch myself flying thousands of miles over the earth. I like to watch the California coast turn into ocean and try to pick out some of the breaking waves below. I could do this in August because my parents let me lean over them, but I’m sitting next to strangers now, so…yeah. I mean, I suppose I could very awkwardly lean over them, but I don’t think that would go well. John and Hank have done weirder things in airports/planes, though…

I should mention maybe that I am on a flight with 4 other people from HPU. Including Dan. Our travel plans always seem to correspond, which is strange. But it was nice. The last hour I spent in the Phoenix airport (because our stupid flight was delayed for some reason they will not tell us) I talked to Dan and the other people, which was considerably less boring than sitting by myself. Hooray!

Abrupt change of topic here. But I used to fly a lot more than I do now. We would visit California, Chicago, I would go to Harry Potter conferences and Wrockstock. And before that, we would travel to Europe and my grandparents and other such places. I mean, we took a LOT of road trips as well, but the point is I used to travel a lot more. And I miss it. I spent a good portion of my break on Tumblr, since, you know, still a very limited number of friends in Colorado. And I started looking at pictures. Alaska: Glacier Bay, Kenai fjords, gates of the arctic. Australia. South Africa. Patagonia. Kigali. And so many other places.

God, I want to travel more. But I’m a college student. I don’t really have money. Travel is expensive no matter what. I’m not afraid of camping and hostel-ling, but the flights…oh, the flights. *sigh* Flights are so DAMN EXPENSIVE. I was looking, actually, because it’s one of my life dreams to study the great whites in South Africa, and it costs more to fly there than to Australia, where I’ll be doing my study abroad in 2013. What?!?! I mean, okay, I can rationalize. It’s Africa. Probably less of a demand, so higher prices. But damn. I want to go there and to Patagonia the most right now.

I think I’m the kind of person who cannot stay in one place for too long. I lived in Colorado for 11 years, but in the early years we still travelled a lot. And I loved it. I find myself in nature, in the cultures of other people, in the amazingly old crooked buildings of Lavenham, in the breathtaking landscapes of our world. I think (or maybe I just hope) marine biology is a fairly good career path for travel, particularly if I do manage to end up in my field of research studying the healing and possible cancer-healing properties of my precious sharks. That’s the career I want so much. But I fear most of the time it isn’t possible. I’m not even REALLY sure WHY, but I do.

Anyway. I very much want to spread my heart and soul to many places around this world. I hope that I can do what I want to. But I do know reality: not a lot of people get their dreams. Nevertheless, I’m not going to stop dreaming. Because there’s nothing wrong with it. I think it helps me, actually, to combat my incessant anxiety and fear of daily life. So as cheesy as it may sound, I’m going to keep dreaming.

Man, it’s hard to pass time on a 6 and a half hour flight. My flight to Denver last month was only slightly shorter, and yet I don’t REMEMBER how I passed the time on that plane. I know I wrote a letter. And watched Dirty Dancing. And then I took these incredibly aggravating repetitive 10 minute naps that I think only totaled 1.5-2 hours of sleep. *sigh*

What have I done so far? Hmm…well, I’ve been reading The Fault in our Stars, because I desperately feel the need to. I also need to write a blog about it, but I’m going to wait until I finish this reread. I think I need a lot more time to digest its beauty and unfortunate yet spiritual truths about our finite human lives. And I watched Dolphin Tales, because it was playing on the screens and looked good. It was…I’m always the person who gets teary-eyed from happiness at movies and books. It’s slightly embarrassing. Goodness, and then I think I just sat in my seat hoping the bathroom line would go down before giving up and starting this. Only to get interrupted by Apple Juice. Mmmm….apple juice. J And now I’m listening to The Mountain Goats while writing this. And we still have another good 2 hours and 20 minutes.

What else? My New Year resolutions. My main one is to try to downsize my life. Meaning, try to get rid of stuff I don’t need. First, I’m going to try to get money for some newer clothes I do not wear. Then I’m just going to start donating a lot of stuff and cleaning out things. Even the things I want to keep, I’ll put in boxes. But I’m going to do my best to consolidate and get rid of things (read: throw away!!!) I probably won’t want in the future. Because I don’t need everything I have. I really don’t. I started this over break, cleaning out my drawers and reorganizing my room some. Is this a side-effect of being a college student? I don’t think so. I don’t know any other college students who do this. But I WANT to. I want to live a smaller life, at least as far as the physical space I need to live. I want to live a LARGER life with my heart and soul, through travelling and exploring and dreaming, and I really think those two things HAVE to go together.

……………………………………………

Okay. I think that’s all I have for now. I’ve spent a good 40 minutes writing this.

I really love The Mountain Goats.

DOWNSIZE.

And in a little over 3 hours I’ll be back (to the dorms). I can do this. 2 more hours of discomfort in this tiny, tiny seat. Let’s go, TFIOS. And let’s go…to the bathroom. And maybe watch part of a movie.;)

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Best wishes! DFTBA!

Firefly Love

Sharks thrash in the ocean,

open their jaws,

Dig their teeth Deep into the Fabric

of the Universe,

hoping to leave a Scar

upon the World.

Fireflies soar and Loop

through the Air—

caught by a Jar.

still their Wings flap on

that Light will Die soon

and yet to-night it Shines.

white Perfect clouds up Above

hold Rain and Storm

exist there High above Earth

with the Sun and Stars

who Welcome that storm

with Twinkling color and Light.

Gravity holds me down

keeps me from Joining you

from Joining those fireflies and clouds

from Truly feeling as the sharks do

I want

I want

Where is the End of the universe?

Unbearable Lightness

Trembling hands

And blue water fills Deep blue Eyes

as Music floats over

the Heads of people Rushing by

Who do those deep Blue Eyes

belong to?

You

or Me

Or some Stranger out there

We do not know.

Does it Matter?

that Stranger is as Important

as You

or Me

as Lovely

and as Mystical

Dream Winds blow down the street

relaying the Remnants of Salty ocean Breeze

and I Reach out for a

hand that Isn’t there

I want

I hope

As Rain falls outside that glass pane,

I open the Pages of the Past

those Water-logged

Pages

the face I Dream of is not Among them

Where is your Hand in this Vast air?

Gravity

How does one transfer Thoughts

across the Stars?

Do spirits dream?

Do those Sharks feel as I do?

Do fireflies Know love?

the Poet says,

“Nothing Gold Can Stay”

the Sun cannot stay

my Heart cannot stay

time, time Cannot stay

And yet, I Hope

I fall Asleep watching the Stars, in the Grass

And open my Eyes to the first golden Rays

Walk to my Room

Dreaming of You

Look in the Mirror, and

force my Eyes and that little Mouth to Smile

look Down at the chipped Polish on my nails,

and the Wrinkled purple Dress

Grab a Lone strand of green, green, green Grass

remember those Dream Winds

My life is Small

But you are important

and I am important,

Aren’t I?

I am Conscious, and I am Human

I am those Sharks, those Fireflies,

the Water-logged pages of the Past

So I move from the Mirror

walk Outside again

hold my Arms open to the Sky

People rush by, running but not Floating

And I know I look Ridiculous

But I am a shark, a firefly,

a Beacon of Light

And we all must Beat on,

even as the Waves crash us

Over and over and over Again

against the Sharp rocks of Shore

Reality is there for us,

But we Need not live in it Always.

Still Here: Reflections from One Year Later

I meant to write this entry on the 9th. Because that was exactly one year since discharge from Children's. But maybe it's better that I've waited. I'm not sure I could say recovery began that first day of discharge. I'm not sure I can pinpoint an exact day when my recovery did start, when I became motivated to beat my anorexia and start living again.

Certainly, recovery still is a long, difficult process, even today.

It's so hard to believe how much can change in a year. This time last year, things were completely different. I was completely different.

I know maybe that sounds cheesy. Of course everyone changes in a year. But as I look back, reflecting to the breaking girl I was over a year ago, remembering how afraid I was of everything, it's unbelievable. Sometimes, I just cannot believe I'm still here. That I'm this happy, this free, this full of life.

I am for a moment going to go back to the original reason I was writing this entry. December 9th.

9 December 2010: I discharge after 3 months of treatment in the edu. I don't remember a whole lot about this day, except that I was afraid. So, so afraid. I'd finally put myself out there, told my story of my eating disorder through dance, began talking, and finally began grieving for dearest Nick. But it was a lot to deal with. After 3 months, I didn't really feel safe anywhere else. I didn't know how to live outside of the hospital, with all of the outside world affecting me. I'd built a bigger bubble for myself, yes, but I still lived in a bubble. So mostly, I remember crying to Erin, my dance therapist, and to loving Gary. I'd begun to heal, but only just begun. I wasn't ready to leave yet. Or was I? Maybe, or maybe not. But I took that leap, hugging my friends and those who helped me, knowing I could always, always go back there. And I still do go back there, looking for help and love. Somewhere deep inside me, though, I think I must've known that I was ready, ready to start living and trusting. Because I did leave. I knew I wanted to stay, and I knew I had to leave. In order to live, I had to get out of that bubble and learn to deal with the world. Learn to live in the world, not just in my safe place.

"After 11 weeks, why is it still so hard for me to believe in myself and so hard for me to just accept the way I am?" -Facebook status, 9 December 2010

9 December 2011: I walk down the street in Kailua, Hawaii, as darkness falls. Birds chirp loudly above us, people wander home around us, and my dear friend Lauren walks next to me. I am confident. I know where I'm going. I know what I want. Something has changed in me. Nothing noticeable to any of these people or creatures surrounding me, but noticeable to me alone. I am alive, strong, hopeful, trusting. We turn the corner, and that green building comes into view. I take a deep breath, open the door, and step in. Today, I am getting my tattoo. I will let it live there, look at it every day, as a reminder of my recovery, a reminder of Nick. I sit down, watch the man clean everything, and brace myself. Pain is coming. Close my eyes, deep breath, think of all I love and hope for. And it comes. The moments of pain, yes, but also a deep sense of relief and wonderment. A tingling, coming from my nerves, yes, but also (I think) coming from somewhere in the stars and somewhere deep inside me. I smile, slowly, slightly, and keep breathing. An hour later, an hour of pain and emotion and joy and hope, we are finished. And I can't stop smiling. I've done it. BEAUTY FROM PAIN. Whole again after being broken. Fragile, fearful, sad, but also strong, hopeful, and...happy.

Yes. I am happy. I love you Nick. Thank you for showing me all of this, for leading my hand through the world with the touch of the stars.

So. Perhaps it is very fitting that I am sitting here, 23:00 on New Year's Eve 2011, writing this journal entry. I never, ever have plans on New Year's Eve, so this is the best and most spiritually fulfilling way I can think of to ring in the New Year.

Because a long 365 days passed between those 2 December 9ths. 365 days, 3339 miles, and a completely different person. 2011 has had its ups and downs, yes, just as any year does. But I am happy and proud to stand here and say that I can look back at 2011 and smile, mostly.

I entered 2011 in recovery, working to catch up in school. I struggled through those early months, missing the light still, but always knowing it was out there in the stars somewhere. I found an amazing group of girls in my town who have helped me, every month, every day to keep strength and keep love. I worked my way through IB coursework and tests and classes, laughing with friends hours into the late nights. I made it through an entire track season, slowly improving my tiems, but more importantly finding my strength, finding friends, and learning how to move through life. I graduated (valedictorian, but that's not quite as important as the first statement there). I finished with IB, friends cheering and laughing and "studying" by my side. I was the booth manager at work over the summer. I cried my way through the last Harry Potter movie, again with friends by my side.

And I came to Hawaii for college. Nervous, scared, but extremely hopeful. And it was hard, no lying. Because I am shy. It was amazing for me to have friends at my side throughout all those events listed above, since I often don't know how to reach out to people. So that first month at college was hard. But I broke out of my shell. I started hanging out with people. I started laughing with people. And to some friends, I started opening up. I co-led a talk on Body Image in my hall with my amazing RA, who has done so much for me this past semester. I found a house to go to for Thanksgiving dinner. And after months of loneliness and despair, I finally allowed myself to hang out with people, just go down to their rooms and begin the conversation myself. Wow. I know that may sound stupid, but it's big for me. So I had fun. I cried, I grieved, I let myself be free. But I laughed a lot. I didn't sleep much. I worked, and I talked late into the night. And time flew by, until I was hugging my friend at 19:45 on December 19th, both of us--finally--headed home.

All of that, in one year. And look how much the postiive things stick out in my mind. I can remember some really dark times, too, but they're not as large. They don't have as much impact on me right now. I'm alive. And I'm loving being alive, swimming in the ocean and laughing with my friends at 1:30 am on a Wednesday.

For the first time I can remember, I'm not sitting here on New Year's Eve thinking, "Well, hopefully (insert year here) will be better than this past one. Hopefully." That always used to be what I thought.

But tonight? No. 2011 was an amazing year me. Filled with tears and falls and fear, but more importantly, filled with hope and joy and dreams. I'm dreaming, and I'm living. I miss Nick still, but I carry his spirit with me every day. I dream, I swim, I run, and I breathe.

So. 2012 will be here in a mere 30 minutes. And what am I hoping for? Not that it will be better, no.

I just hope for wisdom and love and strength, and that this amazing life I'm leading, these dreams I'm following and living, will be able to continue into next year. I hope I can live in 2012 just as I lived in 2011. Strong. True. ALIVE.

And I wish myself, and all of you this, in the words of Neil Gaiman:

"I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you’ll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you’ll make something that didn’t exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind."

I love all of you. Thank you for making 2011 the best year of my life so far.

Here's to 2012. May it be wonderful.