Dreaming of Ochem

I felt the need to record this dream because it just felt so ridiculous. I never do this, mostly cause I'm not the best at remembering the details of my dreams, but, I'm going to write down what I do remember.

Last night I dreamed I was doing an ochem lab.

Yes. SERIOUSLY. I dreamed I was doing some sort of chemical reaction (I honestly have no idea what), and then when I went to write up the lab report, I realized I'd completely missed doing the most important part of the lab.

Again, I don't really remember what, but I do remember that for some reason part of the procedure was to take blood samples from different people and test that blood with the chemical product you created. (WTF?) And, in my dream, I didn't do this. I was reading the procedure and my dream-self was thinking that sounded so ridiculous: how was it even possible to do that in a college lab?

Befuddled, my dream-self then asked my lab partner if she had done that part of the lab, assuming maybe it was a joke. And she said she had, of course!

To which my dream-self responded, "What, you just walked up to people on the street and asked them for their blood?"

And she said YES.

After that, all I remember is my dream-self freaking out about not doing that part of the lab and wondering if I could possibly get and test my samples before the lab was due.

Then I woke up (at 5:30 this morning, no less), and I actually had to sit there for a minute and tell myself that the dream wasn't real. I never did that lab.

However, I do have two lab reports for ochem to write over this long weekend, and yes, I am freaking out about them because that class is far too stressful.

So, welp, at least my unconscious brain is reflecting the stress I feel in real life.

But ochem lab has officially taken over my brain. Ugh.

We'll see if I take the second part of the lab next semester. We'll see.  I have 2 months still to decide.

Zzzzzzzzzzzz....

I'm so tired now. But hopefully I can look back at this dream and just laugh hysterically. Because it sure was ridiculous.

Harry, A Home

So, following my election excitement and adrenaline rush, I basically fell back into that same lonely feeling I posted about...roughly a month ago now. I keep kicking myself mentally, because everyone around me says it should be so easy to make friends. A lot of adults I talk to say that I should just go up to someone, invite them for coffee or dinner or just start talking.

To which I respond by running away and saying Whooooooooooooaaaaaaa.

Okay, not literally. But you get the idea.

It honestly is not that easy for me to make friends. So big is my anxiety at meeting new people that I avoid going to new things by myself, even things I think I might enjoy, like NaNoWriMo meetups or club meetings.

I actually had this huge post I meant to post after Halloween, but the basic message behind that story is that: I AM A HUGE INTROVERT. I'm not shy, I don't think those are the same thing. I actually really love talking to people and being around people and listening to them. Btu I get very easily overstimulated by outside forces, hence why I get uncomfortable at parties. Or the awful place that was Waikiki on Halloween night. And couple my introversion with my anxiety? Bad, bad combination.

The thing is, though, that I am perfectly capable of being happy in a crowd. I have to remind myself of that. It depends on what mood I am in, how much I want to be at that place, etc. When I'm happy and comfortable with myself, I can usually do just fine in a crowd, telling myself I'm okay. But lately, due to the fact that the majority of my friends from last year abandoned our friendship, I have become increasingly uncomfortable with myself. The voice in my head keeps whispering "You're not good enough for them," and I cannot help but believe that voice. I'm uncomfortable being myself around new people, since clearly that did not make people want to be friends with me beyond the walls of the dorms. So, rather than putting myself out there, or trying to be something different, I have increasingly found myself secluded in my apartment, reading and writing and doing homework. And, occasionally, breaking into a crazy dance party. ;)

Anyway. That was a larger build up than I meant to write.

Last weekend was a long weekend, and it was weird, because I actually didn't have anything big due this past week. Yes, I had to work, and yes I had to go to an AA meeting. I got ahead on some parts of lab reports, looking up study abroad info, etc. But mostly...I spent my time reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and listening to old PotterCasts.

Man, I mean, it was almost automatic. My whole life, Harry Potter has led me through dark and sad times, ever since I was a little scared seven year old who'd just moved to a new state. Harry Potter led me through my parent's divorce, through my eating disorder, through incredible losses in my life. No matter what else, was going on in my life, Harry and his friends were always there beside me, ready to accept me and allow me a place on their adventure.

So, again, as I found myself in this lonely place, it was almost automatic that I fell back in. I picked up that book last Sunday, feeling as if it had been calling to me. And somewhere along the way I found my way back to Pottercast, listening to the old shows from 2007 and reminiscing in the beauty of the Harry Potter fandom. Throughout this week, rather than using the internet when I needed a break from homework, I just dug my nose into that book, crying and laughing and hoping all over again. I mean, this is probably like...the 8th time I've read Deathly Hallows or something, but I still found it just as beautiful and welcoming as always.

Out here in Hawaii, I've unfortunately fallen out of the fandom life in a way. I don't have the money any more to attend the conferences, and no wizard rockers come play concerts here. So, I'd kind of forgotten how beautiful and lovely the fandom is for me.

I wrote this lovely post about 15 months ago now, and I still very much believe in every word I wrote back then.

Hogwarts is a real place. It's a real feeling, at least: a feeling of being welcomed and loved and accepted regardless of everything. A place where hugs are constant, squees can be heard all around, and no one makes fun of how you can't really dance. Magic is still very, very real in our world: friendship, love, starlight, music, books written on a page carrying a story across generations....

It just really struck me. I was reminded of the fact that I DO have people who love me and care about me. I have people who accepted me and still talk to me, despite our distances. I was a very shy 15-year-old when I first attended Terminus in 2008, but I immediately  had people who wanted to talk to me. They were overjoyed to talk to me, attend my presentation, share our nerdy opinions, dance to wizard rock like crazy. Even "famous" people, like the wizard rockers, Melissa Anelli, etc, were always excited to talk to us normal folk. ;)

I miss that a lot. I really do. But it gives me hope. I have found my people before in the past, people who love me. People who want to laugh with me but who are also incredibly supportive, nonjudgmental, and willing to listen and cry as well. Because we are all so similar in temperament and passionate hearts, and we know how it feels to be left out or bullied.

It's funny, because the years I spent the Harry Potter fandom were the same years I spent suffering from my eating disorder. 2007-2011. I attended LeakyCon just 3 months after first being discharged, and I attended Wrockstock IV while I was still in the hospital, getting treatment. But those times are still some of the happiest times I can remember in my life. Despite everything, here was a place I was loved and accepted: Hogwarts. It was real, not just a place that existed in my imagination.

I still find so much joy and love in the Harry Potter books. I wish i could play a more active part in the Harry Potter fandom still today. But even though I cannot, I will never forget my conferences and wrock concerts. I will always carry with me that love and hope and joy. I am forever grateful for everything I gained from my friends in the fandom, and from my "friends" in the Harry Potter books. I learned so much about love and loss and courage and trust from those books and my experiences in the fandom.

What Jo said in 2011 is true.  Hogwarts is always there to welcome me (us) home. In my time of loneliness and sadness, feeling forlorn and hopeless at the prospect of ever finding "my people" again, Harry beckoned me back in, to go on an adventure.

I will be forever grateful to Jo. Quite literally, she changed my life and allowed me a place where I found confidence and love for myself.

I hope I can continue to hold on to that. I hope someday soon I become comfortable with the person I really am, and start to express that self to the outside world again.

That being said, I am still forever grateful to the friends who have not let go, who continue to love me for the person I am, after many years. You know who you are (if you are reading this, you may be one of those people. Hint.)

I'm going to continue searching and loving and spreading my heart far and wide. I may be afraid of a lot of things, but I desperately want to live and love and make a difference in this world. I need to remind myself mistakes are okay, and that who I am absolutely is enough. It may not be enough for the people I currently share my time with, but eventually, I'll find my people again. I'll find my people who prefer sharing nerdy jokes and going hiking and swimming in the ocean, laughing and reading and dancing like crazy to the best music. I'll find my people who accept that I'm the quiet, introspective girl who loves to listen and wants to share her story with those she trusts.

I will, won't I?

I certainly hope so.

Until then, I always have Harry. A home. A home beyond everything else in this world of ours.

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you." ~ Carl Jung (I may have used this quote before. Forgive me if I have)
Word of the day: concupiscible--worthy of being desired
Days until Colorado: 33

Election Reflections: REAL LIVE CHANGE

So, I'm going to propose something that may seem crazy here:

Whether or not you like Obama or think he's a good president (dealing with economy, healthcare, foreign policy well), this past Tuesday was still a turning point in our country's history.

I'm sure Republicans and conservatives will not agree with that statement, regardless of any explanations I give in the rest of this post. But, oh well. Nothing much I can do about that.

Again, before I keep writing, go watch this video from Rachel Maddow and read this brilliant CNN article. Because, you know, I like to spread the things I find.

Now, of course, I do love Obama. I think he has done amazing things for our country. And, as Rachel Maddow says, he's been the most successful Democratic president now since FDR. I absolutely think our country and the world will continue to grow and develop so much with him leading us. He's not just an amazing leader, but he's a genuinely good-hearted person. I need only watch the beautiful video of him crying thanking his volunteers or pictures of him lovingly spending time with his daughters to know he really is a good person at heart. Also, his acceptance speech was one of the best speeches I have ever heard.

The best summary I read following his re-election was in the Honolulu Star Advertiser, with one voter noting, "I think Hawaii, more than maybe other parts of the country, appreciated what Obama has always been trying to do, which is to take care of your ohana."

Wow. As someone who has lived in Hawaii for over a year now, that statement is so true and so powerful for me. Obama truly sees every person in our beautiful country as part of his family, his ohana, and he wants to make sure no one gets left behind. He wants to make sure everyone has opportunities and equal rights. He wants to make sure we all keep moving forward.

All of that love being said, I would like to urge everyone to remember Obama is not perfect. He inherited a lot of problems from the disastrous Bush administration. The world, especially the Middle-East, is changing around him, and he has to adapt to disasters and threats and economic problems. So before anyone jumps to judge him for not following through immediately on his promises, remember 2 things:

1) He is human
2) He has already done so much for our country

Anyway. Moving on. I was worried on Tuesday that the election would be really close, and I expected it to take hours to declare a winner. When Ohio was called, I almost didn't believe it. I was in the middle of wandering around Twitter when I suddenly realized everyone was projecting Obama the winner. I almost didn't believe it.

I was ecstatic, but that wasn't the end for me. I know a lot of people may have just waited to see who had won and gone to bed (I think it was pretty late on the East Coast at this time? I don't know. It was still only 21:00 when Obama gave his speech here).

I, however, along with all the friends I follow on Twitter, was waiting to see what else would happen. So much more was at stake.

And guess what? On Tuesday, we showed the world, the country, the Republicans, just how much our country is changing.

We voted for marriage equality in four different states. Twenty women were elected to Congress. The first lesbian woman, Asian-American senator, disabled veteran, and this amazing woman: Tulsi Gabbard. Marijuana legalization was approved by voters in two states. We beat down every single man who made such ridiculous claims on rape, "legitimate" rape, and pregnancy.

We showed the world, that, yes, everyone has rights. Women can choose for themselves. Gay people are no different, at heart, from any of the rest of us. In three states, it's no longer "gay marriage" or a "civil union," but simply MARRIAGE for everyone. And we not only elected, but re-elected an African-American president. Healthcare will continue to be a right for everyone. Education and opportunity will continue to be open. Students, young people, women, Hispanics, African Americans, Asian Americans have more of an influence in this country today than white men, who are currently crying about being a minority. Because they know how they treat other minorities? Perhaps.

My favorite statement from Tuesday's events? Someone who, on Tumblr, said, "Relieved to wake up in 2012--was worried it'd be 1954 again."

Basically, my heart was bursting with love and joy and hope for our country on Tuesday night. As each victory kept rolling in, I got more and more loopy from happiness (and a slight lack of sleep). I continued to walk through the rest of the week genuinely excited and happy and proud, still, of where I lived. Proud of what my generation is doing to change the world.

I will never be able to voice my opinions or views on what Tuesday meant as articulately as Rachel Maddow or that CNN journalist, but the bottom line?

So much progress is coming to our country right now. Just 20 years ago, everything that happened on Tuesday would have been completely unimaginable. AIDS was still the disease of the gays, that no one wanted to talk about. Gay couples could only dream of being offered acceptance or understanding in our society. White men still ruled our country and politics. 

But we're changing all of that.

And I really mean it. So many people refuse to vote because "well, my vote doesn't really matter." And, well, if you are referring to deciding who actually becomes president, then yes, your one single vote doesn't hold very much influence. But, also, if the only reason you want to vote is to decide who becomes president, you are not grasping what voting really does.

Voting is a way to make our voices heard. Voting allows us, as citizens, to make a difference. We vote on laws and congressmen and governors. We vote for change and hope and what we believe in. And, as we saw on Tuesday, those votes can change EVERYTHING. And truly move our country forward.

Don't let go of that. Don't forget the amazing feelings of pride and happiness and love that poured out on Tuesday. Change is happening, and it is very real. But we need to continue to go to the voting booth, continue to fight for equality and our rights, in order to keep the ball rolling. We, as a generation, are showing the world, showing the politicians, just what American really is today.

One final thing: On Tuesday night, several of my Republican friends on Facebook bemoaned the fact that we were all celebrating and wished we'd all just shut up about it now that our guy won. One even said we were being "sore winners." As much as I genuinely like some of those people as friends, I have to disagree with them.

First, please don't stop our celebrating mere hours after our guy won. That's a little ridiculous. You know you'd be celebrating just as much if Romney had won. And, in the days since the election, most of us have not been celebrating Obama as much as we are celebrating all of the change that happened on Tuesday. Allow us to be happy. This change is important, whether you like it or not.

And second, I would like to propose something: If all of this changed so quickly, if your party was so shocked and dismayed, maybe your party needs to change. Live with the changing tides. The Republicans lost not necessarily because of their economic or foreign policy views, because the fiscal conservatives will always remain loyal to their ideas. But the Republicans lost because they refuse to recognize how much American is changing and still needs to change. They are afraid of white, rich men becoming a minority. Fine. But if you want to win, if you want to give your economic policies a try, you need to move a little bit more toward the middle on social issues. You need to realize the importance of women and students and Hispanics.

Because like it or not, the majority of the nation showed you that America has changed. And you are going to have to change with it to make a difference.

Anyway. I am just really happy with what all of us did in the past few months. Today, we are proudly showing the world that yes, we still are the country of liberty and equality and progress. But we cannot lose that. We mus always keep fighting, every single one of us.

And vote. Because yeah, we really do make a difference.

 

Still one of my favorite pictures. Love this family.