Honestly, all of those questions really should be irrelevant. It doesn't matter how awkward or uncomfortable the conversation is...we need to talk about eating disorders. They have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness, and yet are rarely talked about. I think the shame around eating disorders is probably higher than the shame around many other mental illnesses. It seems somehow easier to understand someone suffering from depression, anxiety, or bipolar disorder...or, if maybe not easy to understand, at least the sufferers don't get the bulk of the blame for their mental illness. Whereas, on the other hand, society as a whole seems to believe still that someone chooses to have an eating disorder, and chooses not to eat and slowly kill themselves.
I did not choose my experience. I don't even remember when exactly my anorexia started. I suppose you could say that some part of me chose to eat very little and exercise for hours and hours every day...but if you could live inside my head at that time, you wouldn't say any of that was a choice. I hated what I was doing. I hated exercising for 6 hours a day. I hated that I couldn't think or smile or have fun. None of it was a choice, it was just something my brain kept telling me I had to do. Even in the depths of my eating disorder in the summer of 2010, when I really did know that if I kept going the way I was, I was going to die...I couldn't pull myself out on my own. Eating disorders have incredible power, and sufferers must have the support of others and belief in themselves to have power over those eating disorders.
But it is 100% possible to come out on the other side of an eating disorder happy and healthy and thriving. We need hope and support and honest conversations for that to be possible, though. Which is why I believe National Eating Disorders Awareness Week is so important. Those of us who have survived need to share our stories. We need to share the diversity of people who suffer from these terrible illnesses. And we need to share the hope.
This year, I just want to share brief portions of my story, year by year, to really emphasize how far I've come. But also all the work I've had to do along the way and all of the support I had to rise up and thrive.
2009: I enter treatment for the first time. I was in the hospital for an entire month, and I honestly think that for most of this period I was still in denial. I myself didn't really believe I had an eating disorder, but I went through the motions of treatment to make my parents and the staff happy and to get out of the hospital. (Let me stress this is incredibly dangerous...and something I think happens far too often with patients. Find reasons that YOU want to recover, and don't include in any of that "it will make my family happier".) Discharge in February, and again just kind of walk through the motions for most of the year. Lose my dear friend Nick in September, and also lose any of the motivation I had to keep moving through the motions.
2010: Fall back down the spiral of anorexia, but this time much much worse than any time before. As I've said before, I really did lose the desire to live. I didn't want to die, but I also didn't necessarily want to live in the world anymore. I realize those thoughts seem contradictory and probably don't make sense, but there was a difference for me. I was terrified that what I was doing would kill me, but I also couldn't stop. My eating disorder numbed my feelings and made it so I wasn't really living with the pain of the world anymore, so it was working. Dangerous and deadly, but working. It did come very close to killing me, and I ended up in the hospital first and then treatment again, for three months. This time I didn't try to fake anything; I was 100% honest with the pain and doubt and fear.
2011: After I discharged in December of 2010, I will say I don't think I had yet 100% committed to recovery. I knew I wanted it, but I definitely had my ups and downs in the early months of 2011. But through high school graduation and a very fun summer, I think I did finally realize how wonderful life in recovery was. No, it wasn't always happy, but it was so much better. In 2011 I also moved off to Hawaii for college, which was incredibly difficult in the early months, but I also think was very important for me to get away from home and some of the very bad memories that had formed there during my later high school/eating disorder years.
2012: I don't really have any super bright or down spots for this year. It was incredibly hard to be in Connecticut during the summer for my internship, as I again felt very lost and unsure of myself. And also very difficult to be living off campus and away from a constant supply of people to talk to if I wanted. So I think the important emphasis here is that I got through those uncomfortable feelings without turning back to my eating disorder.
2013: This year is probably the closest I came to a relapse during my years in recovery. I was sick for most of the summer with a peptic ulcer, which made me constantly nauseous and uncomfortable. I also generally felt very alone. But again, what was important at that point was that I still wanted to move forward. I still knew I could move forward. And I didn't fall back down. Instead, especially after I received medication, I moved back for my junior year of college 100% motivated to move forward.
2014: A good year overall. Spent the summer doing my Hollings internship with the shark lab in Panama City, FL, which really helped me move forward and believe I could have the research career I thought I wanted.
2015: The end of college was very tough, as was beginning graduate school. The anxiety I had suffered from since I was a little kid really skyrocketed during these periods.
2016: Most important point here is that I finally decided to go on medication to help manage my anxiety, after being against medication for no logical reason since about the age of 15 (when medication was probably first offered to me). Immediately it felt like a weight was lifted off my mind. Not that everything immediately 100% became OK, but I definitely now advocate enthusiastically for trying out medication to help manage one's crazy brain chemicals. This definitely helped me become more comfortable in graduate school.
I still struggle daily with anxiety and being very unsure of myself, but since 2011 I have definitely learned I can handle those feelings. I wouldn't say my thoughts are necessarily 100% healthy still, as I still worry far too often about mundane things and still don't necessarily believe in myself. So the takeaway I guess is that recovery does not necessarily equal happiness, but it does equal a fuller life. You have to feel the pain and the loneliness to feel happy and full.
It feels crazy to me still how far I have moved in seven years. I still distinctly remember February of 2010 (the Vancouver Olympics, for reference) the beginning of my compulsive exercise, numbing my thoughts, and actively or not actively trying to leave the pain of the world behind. This February, I spent my time getting actively involved in the local Women's March Environmental Committee, working in the lab, teaching classes, and spending time with friends. Not once has it crossed my mind "Maybe I should exercise for 6 hours today." Not once have I thought "maybe I shouldn't eat this." Yes, I know those are crazy thoughts, but seven years ago that's where I was. And it's important to remind myself how far I have risen from my rock bottom.
This National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, I encourage all of you to talk about eating disorders. But also, since the week is coming to an end, I encourage you to continue talking about eating disorders. Support your friends and family by talking and listening, trying to understand instead of making assumptions. Fight for insurance companies to cover treatment; write to your congressmen to fight for those who can't fight for themselves. We need to bring eating disorders out of the darkness. Because there is hope, and everyone can rise up. It's not easy. I literally did fight for my life, and I won. Now it's time for all of us to help fight for those still struggling.
