Relief and Grateful Reminders

I finished my paper today at work finally! It was really nice, because I asked my two supervisors, and they said they didn't need me to do anything, so I might as well work on my computer as long as I still helped people at the circulation desk. Which I did, of course. It took me probably a total of 4.5 to 5 hours today to finish writing the paper, and I'm sure some things definitely need be changed. But I sent it in to our free online tutoring thing, which is actually really helpful. And I'm still very nervous about what grade I will get on this paper because the teacher is pretty tough, but at least I'm done with the paper. Phew. Now the rest of the week will mostly be occupied with editing my 2 papers, studying, and practicing my lab presentation. And focusing on finding a place to live....


I'm so tired though. I got maybe 5 hours of sleep last night because of people partying in my room  and then just in general being kind of unnecessarily loud by the time I decided I was getting no where on my paper and might as well sleep. But no. No sleep for Kat. =[


I'm going to try to be in bed by midnight, even though that feels so weird after 4 straight nights of staying up until 2:00 or later working on homework.


I never really mentioned my haircut yesterday, but I got it cut pretty short. It's at almost exactly shoulder length with some nice framing layers and sort of bangs. I like it a lot, and I'm glad I go to the slightly more expensive hair salon because I can trust them to give me a good haircut even though I have no real clue of what I actually want. Plus I got to pet and hold their cute (if grumpy) black cat that hangs out there. But anyway, it's taking some getting used to. My hair had grown really really long since my last haircut, so now it's weird. I can't touch my hair when I scratch my back. When I pull it up into a ponytail it no longer even falls onto my back. So yeah. I like it, but it's weird.


I feel like I have so many things I would like to say and that I am thinking about, but I don't really know how to express everything in words. But I would like to express how grateful I am for my true friends who have stood by me through so many years and thousands of miles of distance and numerous life changes. It's easy to forget sometimes that I do have true friends that I can count on. I won't lose that. The good friends you can hold onto are the ones that matter. The ones that make you feel special and that you have the privilege of making feel special.


Also I am so grateful for my dad and stepmom, who are always so willing to listen to me talk and help me figure out my life. I definitely wouldn't be where I am today without their help and I would be a lot more anxious and isolate myself more without their continued support and love travelling those invisible wires over the ocean.


Hopefully I will find a better time to write my blog tomorrow when I'm not so tired. At least I'm done with the big assignments and now it's just a lot of studying and a lot of revising.


I would like to leave you with two lovely things courtesy of Tumblr:

I love the both of them so very much. 

Haha. This is both hilarious and a little terrifying.

And I wish all of you, all of my friends and family and the people and spirits close to my heart, a wonderful night. Hopefully we all sleep well under the peaceful stars, the stars that burned beautiful fires to create the elements of which we are made.


Cheers!


Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "Our sense of worth, of well-being, even our sanity depends upon our remembering. But, alas, our sense of worth, our well-being, our sanity also depend upon our forgetting." -Joyce Appleby
Word of the day: miasma--a noxious atmosphere or influence; unpleasant or unwholesome air.

Fetishism and Visual Pleasure

Merp. Busy day today. Woke up at 6:45, thinking Is it really the weekend? Why am I awake? I went to go get my haircut (and pet their cute black cat in the process). Worked some on my paper. Went to the honors end of year bash, which was okay. It included some delicious sandwiches at least. And then I went with Sasha to look at 2 apartments, neither of which were exactly promising. The second one was okay, but a little far from the bus stop, and both of us are still leaning toward Kailua. Although, of course, at this point, we're really willing to rent whatever. 2 more weeks!!! Eep!


Dinner was disappointing. After dinner I wrote about 2 pages of my paper, all while reading my sources (haha, because I only managed to take notes on 1 of the sources last night before I really needed to sleep even to get 5 hours of sleep...) Then I kept getting distracted by friend stuffs, which was necessary but definitely distractd me from getting anything done. And currently, while I am still writing my paper, people are also partying in my room. *sigh* Oh, college. Oh, dorms...


THIS is why I start papers that are due on a Thursday the Friday before they are due. That way I can  allow for some distractions, even if I don't particularly like to.  =) Ugh. But I have since written a total of 4 pages, a lot of which may eventually be revised out tomorrow night, but meh. At least I have some stuff written for now. And I think I'm pretty good as far as analyzing my artifact with the chosen criteria.


It is 1:40 am, but I am at least going to try to write my 2 pages of analysis before sleeping tonight.


Ack. I'm more stressed at this point about finding a place to live than by writing this paper. Although I am still awfully worried about getting a good grade on this paper. *sigh*


Anyway. I'm going to post a short excerpt from my paper to finish this post, and then continue working. 

Women have been looked at and made into fetishistic objects for centuries, in plays and speakeasies and other spectacles. The creation and spreading of film media throughout the 20^th century created a whole new aspect of visual pleasure, fetishism, and a new role for women as objects and spectacles. Laura Mulvey first published “Visual Pleasure and the Narrative Cinema” in 1973, examining in psychoanalytic terms how gaze functions in cinema, the role the audience plays, and the ultimate fetishistic affect upon the women in the film. Film is unique in the way it creates a separation between audience and characters, and thus women hold a different function in film than in other spectacles (Mulvey 1973).

            In Freudian psychoanalysis, scopophilia is defined as taking pleasure from looking at an object (Mulvey 1975). Often, scopophilia involves viewing other people as objects or distant reflections rather than as a true person. Film allows for scopophilia in several important ways. It allows for surreptitious observation, with the audience “looking in on a private world,” remaining separate from and unaffected by the world existing in the film. Cinema focuses on the image of the human body, allowing for the audience to undertake a narcissistic scopophilia as the audience develops curiosity as well as recognizes similarities and differences between themselves and the image presented on the screen. The audience identifies with the image on the screen as a representation of their own body, and thus they derive pleasure from looking at a mirror image of themselves and build up their own ego. The audience takes on a unique role as viewers of a separate world, and thus each image in a film is manipulated in a way to please the audience, and, according to Mulvey at least, the male viewer of a female body in particular.

Cheers!

Taking a step back (+squalamine)

In a weird mood today. I had a pretty good morning (if rushed so I could get to the Academic workshop), and it was okay at work today. But then I got back from work, went to dinner, and came back to my room. Alone. And I just crashed inside. I couldn't quite find the motivation to do anything. I vaguely worked on my lab presentation and started writing this blog (finding the quote and word), but mostly just ambled around on my computer, not really doing much of anything. My RA then came in to tell me to come to the barbecue. In my mind, I was thinking: Why? It's not like I'll be able to eat anything you have? Because school events generally fail at having vegetarian food other than fruit. Yeah, that's all we need to eat. /sarcasm/ Anyway, I did go along and just kind of stood around talking to some people for a while. I ate part of an apple, stared at it, realized it tasted like nothing, and gave up. 


So now I'm sitting here. And I am both entirely unmotivated and ridiculously anxious about everything I have to do. I do want to finish my lab presentation and finish my easy Psych assignments. I do want to read the 3 articles I'll be using for my Communications paper and take relevant notes on them. I do, I really do. But I still can't quite bring myself too. The anxiety overwhelms me some days, as I've said. 


What am I going to do about it? That's really what matters.


Well, I'm writing this, and that certainly helps. I'm going to take a step back and allow myself to do yoga to relax and ease both my mind and body. I will take a shower and make some tea. And then I will sit down at my computer.


Make my presentation for lab. Take notes on articles for Communications. Once those two things are done, I will see where I am and what time it is, since I do have to be awake at 7:00 tomorrow. I will push myself to get those two vital tasks done, but I won't push myself too hard. 


Some perspective. Tonight, those things are all I really have to get done. Yes, in the big picture I need to write the actual Communications paper, but I'm not going to let that looming scary paper overwhelm my view and mind right now. 


Just take it one step at a time.


Breathe. (Thank you, yoga, for always instilling this message in me).


Focus. Listen to music. Close the internet. Set small goals I can reach tonight. Then tomorrow night look toward the actual writing of the paper.


Anyway, would you like to know some facts about squalamine since that's what my lab presentation is on?


First, it's different from squalene, another compound found in the livers of sharks that is often put in cosmetics and is also tested on for its value in medicine. Squalamine is found in the livers of spiny dogfish sharks and sea lampreys. It has been proven to have antimicrobial properties. Squalamine can be manufactured in the lab, so it does not always require the fishing of sharks. Due to its chemical structure and its ability to cause a displacement of membrane-anchored proteins, the researchers in the paper I read theorized it also should be able to affect the replication of certain viruses. They studied both in Vitro and in Vivo, testing how the compound affected a variety of viruses. Ultimately, the squalamine proved to be active both in vitro and in vivo against a spectrum of viruses (both RNA and DNA-enveloped). This possibly explains why the shark seems to be surprisingly immune to various viruses, though its immune system does not necessarily respond quickly to invaders or viruses. 


So yes. Potential new compound for creating antiviral drugs? I think so. Although I suppose I probably shouldn't make broad conclusions after reading this one paper. But I think it's important. And this just furthers my love for and interest in sharks. We definitely need to keep studying the various aspects of their biology in a sustainable fashion.


Yay sharks!


............Okay, now I just have to put all of that information (plus slightly more detail) into a PowerPoint presentation.


Breathe. Smile.


Smiling can drastically improve my mood. =)


Okay. I'm going to do yoga for a bit. Shower. Drink tea. Do as much of the presentation as I can, and absolutely take notes on those 3 articles for my paper. That really does need to get done tonight.


And then haircut, scholars bash, and apartment hunting tomorrow. 


Entering the last stretch here. 17 more days until I'm home. Anxiety will overwhelm me a lot, I'm sure, but what really matters is how I deal with it. Healthily, happily, and in a way that I can still thrive. And I'll get through it.


Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "Anxiety is part of creativity, the need to get something out, the need to be rid of something or to get in touch with something within." -David Duchovny
Word of the day: discalced--barefooted

The Questions that Matter

One of my dearest friends and I have a wonderful tradition of posting quotes we love on each other's Facebook walls. I started this last semester, and it continued through about January, I think. Or maybe December. But either way, it then stopped, not because I no longer care about her, but actually, I think, because I'm not on Facebook nearly as often as I used to be. And things, even wonderful traditions, do fall apart sometimes. But on Saturday I posted a quote to her wall just on a whim--that Emerson quote about the stars. The response I got from her was almost overwhelming. 

It's funny, because I actually  have not seen this girl, my soul sister, since November 9th, 2009. 2 1/2 years. And yet every single time we talk, even in small little exchanges like our quote sharing, my heart immediately warms. I can feel the invisible strings running from my mind and soul to hers. 4000 miles and several years apart, we remain connected every day.

I think I generally have a hard time defining who my friends are. Because I have "friends" here at college who hang out with me, but the majority of them never actually seem to want to do anything with me. And it was mostly the same in high school--I'd hang out with people at school and track, but then once I was home...nope, no more friends. 

The people I consider my closest friends are the ones who don't leave me, who are always willing to talk about the serious stuff as well as the ridiculous things. The ones who leave for a little while but are still really in my life forever. My soul sister, Cody, is one of those people. The girls I lived with for 3 months in the hospital are as well. One of my good friends from Girl Scout camp 4 years ago as well. And then I do consider several adults to be my friends based on this definition, including a few old teachers.

Okay, but anyway, this is the quote Cody posted on my wall:

‎"Admit it. You aren’t like them. You’re not even close. You may occasionally dress yourself up as one of them, watch the same mindless television shows as they do, maybe even eat the same fast food sometimes. But it seems that the more you try to fit in, the more you feel like an outsider, watching the “normal people” as they go about their automatic existences. For every time you say club passwords like “Have a nice day” and “Weather’s awful today, eh?”, you yearn inside to say forbidden things like “Tell me something that makes you cry” or “What do you think deja vu is for?”. Face it, you even want to talk to that girl in the elevator. But what if that girl in the elevator and the balding man who walks past your cubicle at work are thinking the same thing? Who knows what you might learn from taking a chance on conversation with a stranger? Everyone carries a piece of the puzzle. Nobody comes into your life by mere coincidence. Trust your instincts. Do the unexpected. Find the others." -Timothy Leary

And god, my heart just melted when I read these words. The truth of these words for me is...uncanny. It feels as though Mr. Leary has crawled into my brain and read the little messages etched upon the tissue there. 

Because I truly do feel like an outsider in a lot of situations. I feel like I'm just going through the expected motions of society, asking people "How was your day?" and saying things like, "Oh, yeah, I'm so tired too." I smile at people, hug my friends, laugh along with jokes. I'm happy, but there's always a part of me in most situations that feels twinges of discomfort.

There's a part of me that yearns to ask something else. Say something else. Part of me that wants to turn to the young man sitting next to me on the bus and ask, "So, tell me about your definition of beauty. Tell me the most beautiful experience you've had. Describe to me what makes you cry and laugh. Isn't this cerulean blue sky just breathtaking? And look out the window. Really look. What do you see?"

These are the kind of questions that matter. We, each of us, I think secretly want to be asked these questions and want to learn these things about others. The question, "How are you" is a small attempt to delve into that territory, but our society has been trained to merely respond "Fine. Tired. Happy. Etc." We don't go into the details. 

I want to go into the details. I want to ask the questions that matter. I want to race my friends down the beach to the edge of the water at night. I want to float with them in the calm water as we discuss what lives in those stars up above. I yearn for true connections with people, but I'm afraid of isolation. I'm afraid of not finding anyone. So I settle for conforming to society, and keep those important questions lodged deep in my heart and soul.

I hope one day those questions can come out.

I am grateful to have my small group of friends with whom I can discuss the questions that matter. We may all live thousands of miles apart, and we may never see each other, but our hearts, minds, and souls are connected forever.

Don't be afraid to ask the questions that matter. Feed your heart and soul, and allow those invisible connections to thrive.

Cheers!

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "Only hang around people that are positive and make you feel good. Anybody who doesn’t make you feel good, kick them to the curb. And the earlier you start in your life the better. The minute anybody makes you feel weird and non-included or not supported, you know, either beat it or tell them to beat it." — Amy Poehler

Word of the day: absquatulate--to flee, make off; abscond

Marine Life

Okay, blog. Okay. I honestly don't have too much time to write today. Because after looking at everything, I've realized it will be most beneficial for me to try to finish at least the rough draft of my part of our shark fisheries literature review paper before this weekend. Which means I have tonight and tomorrow evening/night to work on it. Plus Friday morning, but you know. That way I have this weekend and the nights next week to work on my Communications paper. With any luck actually, I will be done with the rough draft of this first paper by tomorrow night so that I have Friday morning to read articles for my Communications paper and my marine biology lab presentation. Yep. 


So I just need to sit down over the next 3 hours and write some of this paper. I think I should be okay. I have tea. I have an apple. (And the apple smells sooooooooooo good. Mmm.....apples.) I have my music. I am going to CLOSE TUMBLR AND FACEBOOK. Just keep open OneNote and Word and Pandora and get some of this done. Yeah.


Wooooooooo. 


This is my exciting life in the last 2.5 weeks of the semester, friends. So. Much. Fun.


Anyway, though, this morning we went on our final class snorkel in Waikiki. I had a lot of fun. I got separated from my group for the majority of the time. Previously, this would have freaked me out an awful lot, but I'm experienced now that I was just like, "Meh. Whatever. I'll be okay. Just keep swimming. Oooooo, look at the giant humus!" 


Seriously, though. All of the fish in this area were so big. From the trumpetfish we saw at the very beginning and the bonefish at the end, the parrotfish, convict tangs, unicornfish, wrasse, humus, etc were SO big. There wasn't a ton of coral, and a lot of algae, which probably helped these fish grow so big because they have lots of yummy (?) algae to feed on. It was also just exciting because I could finally really identify the fish, even down to their scientific names in some cases due to all of the hard studying I've been doing.


It's funny, because at the beginning of the semester I was being super hard on myself because I'd never really been snorkeling and hence didn't have much experience identifying fish. And look at me now. Cruising along on my own snorkeling with some giant fish, excitedly naming them and chasing after them. It's kind of amazing. I'm looking forward to my next three years studying marine biology here, and hopefully I continue to snorkel a lot even though it won't be part of my classes for a little while again.


So. Here's some marine life pictures taken by the lovely Keoki Stender. I'm going to do a short bit of yoga to relax, shower, and then eat this apple/drink this tea while I get to work writing. Yes. And hopefully be in bed by 2:30 (3 hours from now).

Shortjaw bonefish (Albula glossodonta)

 Blacktip reef shark (favorite! Carcharhinus melanopterus)

Humu hiding in a hole! (Reef triggerfish/Rhinecanthus rectangulus)

Cheers!


Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "Go out and do something. It isn’t your room that’s a prison, it’s yourself."— Sylvia Plath
Word of the day: barnburner--something that is highly exciting or impressive

Extended (Boring) Musings

Hey! It's 19:31 while I'm writing this! Weeeeeee, early (ish) in the nighttime times. Ha, I'm mostly writing this now because in about 45 minutes I'm going to go running and I know I won't really be able to get much done homework wise in that time. I'll just sit around on Tumblr and say I'm going to do homework until it becomes time for me to go running. I'm hypothesizing that writing this blog will be more productive, therefore. Because once I get back from my run, go to the RAC meeting, and take a shower, all I'll have left will be my homework. I'll already be done with this blog, so it won't be there to distract me anymore.


So yes. That is my rationalization.


I feel like I'm rationalizing my thoughts and actions quite often here. It's probably not very interesting or entirely necessary, but it helps me to think through what I'm doing. Plus, if I write down my plan for the rest of this evening, I'll feel more inclined to actually follow through with that plan. Granted, no one who is actually reading this blog can enforce what I say I will do, but it feels to me like I almost have to do it if I write it down to tell the world. Almost.


I'm a little less stressed out today. But only a little. I turned in my writing essay and got a 100% on it, which felt quite good. We reviewed for my stats test today and as long as he follows roughly the same question style for the test on Thursday, I think I should be fine. I'll study more at work tomorrow, of course, but I think I'll be good. And I'm basically done with my lab report; I just have to ask my professor one small question about it. 


However, I still have to:
1) Write my part of our literature review paper on shark fisheries and put the paper together since apparently I've been given the duty of making sure everyone does the work....
2) Write my communications paper on fetishism (the exploitation of the female body in particular) in Charmed.
3) Find a research article and make a presentation about it for my marine biology lab.
4) Memorize the scientific names of 43 organisms and take a test on them.
5) Take 4 finals.
6) Find a job for the summer.
7) Figure out apartment for next year.


Yeah. But I'm doing better today. It's still almost the same amount of work, but I keep reminding myself to breathe. It'll be okay. I always seem to get through the semester. If I got through IB tests last year, I can do this. I just need to sit down, focus, and get work done. 


It's harder in college, though, because most of my other freshmen friends don't have nearly as much work as I do. Mainly because I'm taking more sophomore level classes, but yeah. So I can hear friends laughing and having fun downstairs while I'm trying to finish a paper. It makes me sad, and makes it all that much harder to focus...


I'll probably end up going to the library on Monday afternoon/evening so I can really get some work done without worrying about what other people are doing.


I do that too much, for sure. I need to remember to just live for myself and only be concerned about what I'm doing. I can't compare my life to the lives of my friends and family. Everyone lives a different life. And that life is right for them. My life is right for me. Etc. 


Anyway. What else?


In Communications today we were watching parts of Taken because it really possesses a lot of the gender issues we've been looking at this semester. In particular, she was having us look at the reflexive sadomasochism paradigm. Looking at in the context of that paradigm was interesting, but I mostly just couldn't help but think about how ridiculous the movie was. Like, I understand the concept and the movie is a good movie to have teenagers watch before they decide to travel to Europe on their own. (Ha!) But...also just kind of ridiculous acting, in my opinion. And definitely not a movie I enjoyed (the first bit of it we watched at least) or would watch of my own accord. But meh. As I discussed in August, I tend to have very different opinions on what kind of movies are worth watching. I'm picky. And I know that I am.


Hopefully I can remember to call the place I'm getting my haircut and e-mail the head of the internship department in Mystic tomorrow morning. Hopefully. 


I really am starting to get excited about interning in Mystic. It's definitely scary, especially since I don't yet know if I'll have a job to complement the internship, but it's also just such a wonderful experience. Something different, something fun, doing what I love: teaching people about marine biology. With any luck, everything will work out.


I find myself being infinitely less interesting in these blogs than I was in BEDAugust. But I do have a lot of schoolwork, and, again, I write mostly for myself, just to get my thoughts out on paper. So, if you are reading this, first: Hello. And second: I hope you aren't too bored with my life musings.


Here's something fun for you:

Cheers!!


Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "I felt my lungs inflate with the onrush of scenery—air, mountains, trees, people. I thought, “This is what it is to be happy." — Sylvia Plath, The Bell Jar
Word of the day: aught--anything whatever, any part

Stress

Ugh. Well, at least I'm writing this at 9:30 instead of 12:30 for once. But overall, a very stressful day.

I had a weird appointment with my therapist this morning. Weird because for the first time in a while I just really started to shut down when she tried to discuss stress with me. She was asking simple questions, about how I know I'm stressed, why I'm stressed, etc. They were easy to answer, but I just really couldn't think of anything. Why? Because I was stressed. Suffering from a lot of anxiety. Eventually, the ice melted a little and we had a successful last half of the appointment. But it was eye-opening, really, for me. The whole experience, good and bad.

It generally just reminded me that I really do suffer from anxiety (generalized anxiety disorder). I think it's easy to ignore that fact about me because it really isn't something observable. Even depression tends to be more observable and noticeable than anxiety, because everyone gets stressed and anxious sometimes. For me, though, it happens to a greater extent. And while I have gotten much better at handling it, it still rears its ugly head at a lot of times.

In truth, I can tell in my body when I'm super stressed/suffering from anxiety. My breathing feels shallower, my neck hurts, I get thirstier, my heartbeat feels weird (that's the best description I have for that one), and I have a hard time concentrating. And then my mind just starts running. Sometimes with clear thoughts, and sometimes literally with just a jumbled buzzing of words and ideas. I'm most in touch with its physical effects when I'm running or doing yoga. Both those processes help me relax. Otherwise, I truly do get too overwhelmed and find myself having a hard time getting anything done.

However, I think over the past year away from the hospital I've allowed myself to forget some of my best calming mechanisms. Writing, for one. Which I'm starting back up. Art, of course. Not fancy, high-caliber art, but just messing with paint and pictures and paper. And dance. I'm not sure I can really get back to dance or movement, though. Unfortunately, because letting myself truly express my feelings and essence by moving my body helps immensely. And unfortunately, I don't have much time for art because of homework, work, etc.

BUT, I have been setting aside time to write. And today I'm just going to make a quick list of why I'm stressed before I get back to working on papers:

1) I have to figure out still where I'm living next year. I know 2 of my roommates, and the possible 3rd and maybe 4th one. But we're not sure where we're living, when we're going to start renting, where we'll get furniture, and other such things. It's scary. I wish HPU had better on-campus housing. But they don't. =/

2) I still need to nail down a job for this summer. I've decided on Connecticut for an internship, which is both exciting and nerve-wracking. The really scary part, though, is finding a job.

3) I also need a job for next year. Ack.

4) I am currently working on 3 papers, 1 lab report, 1 presentation, 1 test, and then my 5 finals. I'm almost done with 1 of those papers and the lab report. The test should be okay, as should the presentation. But then I'm just left with 2 really tough papers and 5 finals. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Eeeeeeeep. =(

5) Stupid ex-roommate issues and getting in trouble. That was a scary meeting this morning. *sigh* I guess I just have to hope for the best now

Sometimes I feel ridiculous.

I don't have a terrible life. And I know that, as can be seen in my writings from the 1st day of BEDATWM. I am incredibly grateful for my wonderful life. I am in a much better place than I was last year, even. I dance under the stars, love feeling my body in motion, swim in the sea, and laugh often. Life is wonderful. I am wonderful. You are wonderful. The universe is amazing.

And yet, the anxiety creeps back in. God, it's so stupid sometimes. Because I know how wonderful my life is, but my brain won't let me focus on the good aspects of my life sometimes. It just immediately goes to everything that's bad.

So, for some perspective. The good things:

1) I got and will be doing a wonderful internship at the Mystic Aquarium in Connecticut this summer.

2) My NEDA Walk is chugging along beautifully, with several in-kind sponsors and a few real sponsors helping out. Plus a lot of sponsors. And I'm so excited for this walk.

3) I get to run a 5k with my stepmom for her 50th birthday.

4) Only 21 days until home.

5) I am coming back to this wonderful school next year, and get the opportunity to live more as an adult, with one of my best friends I've met here at HPU so far.

6) Snorkeling in class on Wednesday =]

7) My new ocean life animated screensaver

8) All of the papers I have to write are about things that interest me. Truly, that's a blessing. Even though both of the ones I have left will be really tough, at least they interest me.

9) Talking to my parents, who are always there to offer their support and advice.

10) I'm getting a haircut on Saturday, finally. 7 months later... :)

Some of those are simple things, but they're important to remember. The small things can make the difference some days.

On the days when my anxiety seems to overpower my true self, I need to remind myself to do a few things. One, do yoga or go running, depending on my mental and physical state. Two, take a step back, sit down, and BREATHE. Three, make a list of 10 good things about the day or my life at the time. And four, just allow myself to breathe and work through the homework, essays, studying I need to get done. Because nothing's worse than sitting in your anxiety thinking about all the shit you aren't getting done, meanwhile getting more anxious. Blech.

Phew.

Sorry. This wasn't very interesting. But I do write mostly for myself, and all of this was stuff I really needed to write out.

Just as a warning, as I work on my papers, a couple of my blog posts may just be excerpts from the paper, the section I worked on that day. Because I really do need to get these last two papers written. Actually, setting aside 2 days to be "excerpt days" will probably actually force me to write some of my papers so I can prove on this blog that I'm getting them done.

Yep.

Okay. Plan for the next 3 hours until bedtime:

Revise writing essay one final time.

Study for marine bio lab final (inverts/fish scientific names).

Shower.

Begin writing marine bio paper on shark fishing.

Maybe write out plan for communications paper.

Brush teeth/take out contacts.

Read.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (with Sharkie)

We'll see how tomorrow goes, I guess.

Cheers!

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "There are thousands of causes for stress, and one antidote to stress is self-expression. That's what happens to me every day. My thoughts get off my chest, down my sleeves, and onto my pad." -Garson Kanin

Word of the day: fard--to apply cosmetics

Running Rhythm

Short blog post today. Because...well. Just because. Ha, I probably really did have time to write a much longer post, since I sat down at my computer at 10:00 to do a bit of homework and write this post. But it's now almost midnight. I have only finished a little bit of said homework and not written this post yet. In my defense, I got distracted downstairs in my friend's room where we were looking at apartments to live in next year. So, yes. Important, something we needed to do TOGETHER. Both of us had been looking on our own, but we really need to start making some decisions now as there are 3 weeks left in the semester before I leave Hawai'i. Yeah.

Plus, the few homework things weren't things I absolutely needed to finish by this evening. Type up my essay revisions, type up my lab revisions, write a summary for the Honors program (ugh), and figure out my topic for my Communications paper. Yeah.

At this point, the only homework I have left are 2 big papers, 1 big lab report, 1 math test, and then 6 finals. Which doesn't sound like a lot, but actually kind of is. And it's annoying, because now I can't use my little homework as a way of avoiding my papers. Now I just have to sit down and start writing them. Also, I really need to figure out my topic for my Communications paper. That I should try to do tomorrow morning or afternoon. Then I can really get started on everything and just power through.

(Also, it's annoying because I can't technically bring my computer to work. So even when I have downtime at work now, I can't work on my papers. Instead I just sit there for hours mentally panicking about all of the work I have to do when I get back to my room. Not a fun experience. That's a lot of how I spent my 8 hours at work today...)

ANYWAY. God. Not an interesting post so far.

Today after work I went for one of my runs. I run about 3 times a week. I would like to do more, but since I work late on Wednesdays and sometimes Mondays without really getting dinner, it's not a good idea. And I can never bring myself to run on Fridays or Saturdays because we're always kind of hanging out those nights. :) Plus, with my ankle and shin issues, it's probably best for me to not run every day. 3 days/week is enough to stay in shape, at least. And it's enough to give me time to think and just breathe.

I love running because it truly allows me to get in contact with my spirits and energies. When I'm having a bad day, I often don't realize how much negative energy is brewing in my heart. Until I start running. Then I can feel it in each step, in the labored breathing, in my desire to stop and sometimes in my desire to start crying as I run. In contrast, when I start running on a good day, I can feel the power of my muscles, the joy in my heart, and the rhythm in my breathing. It truly allows me to get in touch with myself, to take 30 or 40 minutes out of my day to truly relax and get into a rhythm.

I'm excited to run a 5k with my stepmom for her birthday in roughly a month. :D I miss track, in a lot of ways.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee..............

Those are my musings for today. Yep.

Okay. I should go to bed soon since I have to wake up at 7:00 and it is now 12:42. However, I should first write an outline for my marine bio paper and at least type up the current revisions I have for my writing essay before looking at it in better detail tomorrow. Yep. And then read a little before

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

;D

Probably won't be very interesting tomorrow either. Depends on whether or not my boss asks me to work for another worker, really....

Cheers!

Inspirational quote/photo of the day:

Word of the day: deliciate--to delight oneself

To the Stars who Died for Me

I always mean to update this more than I do. I'll be sitting in class or on the shuttle having thoughts that I want to write down, but I never remember by the time I'm at my computer. The day passes, I go to class and work, maybe pass time with friends, do homework. And by the end of the day, all I want to do is crawl into bed with a book and steal a precious 15 minutes of reading before sleeping and beginning the day again. So writing and art have both fallen by the wayside. Which is kind of sad, actually. Both of those outlets have helped me so much in the past. And I do, nowadays, find myself thinking too much, getting too upset or anxious sometimes because I just can't process everything. It does help to write. It always does. And yet I never seem to anymore. I wish I did. It's so important to me.

I really am going to try to fix that. In two ways. First of all, it's April. Which, 3 years ago at least, meant BEDA. I know I haven't done BEDA actually in April since 2009, but I still have such wonderful memories of that month that year, the wonderful friends from all across the world that I made. I have to thank Maureen Johnson for that. Since then, I've moved BEDA (for myself) to August because it just made the most sense. But I need to stop using homework or work as an excuse to not write. I mean, goodness, I don't even have to write super long posts everyday, just small things. Why do I tell myself blogging/writing will take so much longer than it actually ever does? *sigh*

Anyway. So, since it's April, even though there's only a week of April left, I'm starting BEDA. And I will carry BEDA into May. Blog Every Day in April and for Three Weeks in May (BEDATWM). I guess. Yeah. Just to get myself going again.

And after that? I just need to remind myself to take the time to write when I need to. Not every day, certainly, but when I really need to. When I want to share something. When I want to write something down to remember later. That's the main reason I write, really. For myself. I love going back and looking at my writing, even though it often makes me cry. Other times it makes me laugh. And I do appreciate Tumblr for that, since June. I can use that now as a smaller record of my changes over time.

So. BEDATWM. And then just keep writing. Don't stop for once. Trust that writing is how I put my words out into the world, and let my mind and soul breathe a little.

Okay.

Onto the thoughts I wanted to put out into the ocean of consciousness tonight. (This morning? It's 00:45....)

As I said above, I love Tumblr. It's a good distraction, tool, yes. But I love the funny pictures and quotes, the inspirational tidbits, and the beautiful pictures of marine life. It's my escape, really, more than Facebook, when I need a short break from homework. Mostly it's just fun. But every so often I find a true gem hiding among the vast field that is my dashboard. Like this quote I found today:

"Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And, the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics. You are all stardust. You couldn't be here if stars hadn't exploded, because the elements--the carbon, nitrogen, iron, all the things that matter for evolution and for life--weren't created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of the stars, and the only way for them to get into your body is if those stars were kind enough to die. So, forget God. The stars died so that you could be here today." -Lawrence M. Krauss

Immediately when I read that, my heart filled with warmth. For me, that is exactly how I experience life and love and spirituality. I live because of the starlight. I live because all of us are made of stars, and all of us return to stars. Our souls reside in stars, I truly believe now, thanks to Fox Mulder. Our souls are born from the stars and our souls return to the stars when our physical bodies collapse. That light, our light, shines on forever.

I don't pray to God. I don't pray to Jesus. I don't practice Buddhism. I don't even sing to the earth gods and goddesses any longer.

Instead, I dance under the stars, eyes looking upward, breathing in, and praying to that light up above. I offer myself to that light, that energy, those fires burning so many light years away. Many of those stars have died by the time that light reaches me. Some of those stars, the very stars I am looking at, may have died for me. But since it takes so long for light to travel, I can still see their light today. Reminding me of where I came from, of the fires that birthed my soul and mind and life.

It's so easy to get caught up in the smaller problems of life. Where do I live, how do I find money, do I really have friends, how do I deal with these people who don't allow me to live as myself? Those are all important issues in the moment, because they certainly affect how we, how I, live and love and thrive. It's important to acknowledge those problems and push through them. Breathe, and trust in the stars. Trust that, in our beautiful universe, everything happens for a reason. Those stars know what they are doing. Out of destruction, out of fire, beauty is created.

While I think it is important to acknowledge the small problems and work through them (breathe through them), I think it's more important to remember how absolutely beautiful life is. Our world, our planet of blue and green and white swirls, is amazing. And truly, the probability of life is so small anywhere in our universe that it is a miracle that we are alive. It is a miracle, truly, that the stars died, burned a terrible and long fire, so I could live today.

Breathe that in. And consider this: "Ralph Waldo Emerson once asked what we would do if the stars only came out once every thousand years. No one would sleep that night, of course. The world would become religious overnight. We would be ecstatic, delirious, made rapturous by the glory of god. Instead the stars come out every night, and we watch television." -Paul Hawken

The stars should always be cause for spiritual rapture and glorious celebration. Our lives should always be cause for delirious happiness and far reaching love.

I think a lot about my future. I wonder what will happen next year, and the year after that. I wonder what I will do after college, if I will get the job and life that truly makes me happy. I hope everything will turn out as I want it to: happy and loving. And I wonder why I cannot find a boyfriend, why some things never seem to work out. Of course, I spend perhaps too much time thinking about people whose lives were cut short. Didn't those people deserve to live more than I do? No. But they deserve to live just as much as I do. In my heart, I know they still live on. In me, in the wind, in the stars. But it still hurts. And I still fear that happening to me, even with all the faith I have in our universe and even considering my worship of the stars.

So as I think, imagining the future, fearing the future, doubting my past and myself, I also remind myself of my beautiful life. I have to tell myself that as long as I keep living the life I am living today, things will work out. I need to keep dreaming, keep loving, keep laughing, keep dancing, keep opening my arms and heart to the beautiful sky filled with faraway burning fires. I am okay as I am. I am living the life I was meant to live. That doesn't mean things won't change or can't change, but today, right at this early moment, I am okay. It's okay to not be okay, but it's okay to be okay as well. Everything will work out. The universe knows. We know, too, for deep in our hearts we still hold that stardust, spreading light everywhere we step.

You are important. I am important. The stars died so we could live. How could anyone not know their own beauty after considering that fact? Beauty lies everywhere around us, but it also lives within us. Within you and me.

Let the music play around you. Run in the rain. Allow yourself to just dance on your front lawn. Laugh in the ocean. Smile at a stranger. Smell the flowers. Hug your friends. Allow your eyes to drift upwards, to the sky. Breathe in the beautiful air, the ocean of air we all share. Open your mind to the ocean of consciousness. Know that we all come from stardust. Some of that stardust we share, and some is unique to only us. We are connected, through light, and yet we live on our own.

Trust in yourself. Trust in the universe. Don't be afraid to love, and don't be afraid to live, even when times get hard. Breathe. Love. Smile. And open your arms to the stars, burning up stardust to create you.

I truly hope to remind myself of all of this everyday. Even when things get hard, yes. Especially then. But every day. I love being alive. I truly do. And I love everyone in my life right now, from the past, present, and future, for allowing my starlight to shine and helping me grow. You are wonderful.

In all honesty, I am going to write a blog post for a month (until May 21st). They may not all be this in depth or interesting, but I am going to write anyway.

Cheers!

Word of the day: nycthemeron--the natural day and night, or space of twenty-four hours

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "Maybe some people need to believe in a proper and omnipotent God to pray, but I don't." -John Green, The Fault in Our Stars