The other day I reread this post that
I wrote about 2 and a half years ago now, as I was just starting recovery. Just
starting to find myself. And, wow. I don't know how much I believed those words
when I was writing them, but goodness they are so true.
I'd like to highlight the conclusion in
particular: "I think what I'm doing right now is trying to chase down
happiness. And I don't think that can be done. In a race, you can't chase the
finish line. [...] the finish line is there, waiting for you. If you run, it
will come. I think happiness is the same way. Maybe I just have to trust that
it exists. And maybe that it exists in a form different from what I'm
expecting. Maybe happiness just means getting through it, building strength,
and having more good days than bad days. Recovery doesn't mean total happiness.
I'm still working to accept that, but I know it's true. Stop chasing happiness or peace.
Just keep running. Keep moving and pushing and breathing and living. Don't
search for happiness. One day, while you are asleep, happiness will come. And
it will be beautiful."
It's almost spooky, because I think that
was what happened. At some point, really only in the past 4 months, I stopped
actively wondering why I wasn't happy. I stopped looking for reasons or
excuses. I didn't go out and immediately search for things that would make me
happy, I just let the days come and the opportunities arrive. And, so, here I
sit, 3 years into recovery, finding myself...happy for
once.
I'm not saying that every single second of
every single day I am happy. I am still anxious and stressed and sad sometimes.
I still struggle with anxiety mostly, and that's a tough beast to shake off my
back. But I'm pushing through it, and pushing myself to try new things. I'm
also allowing myself time to step back and breathe, which is just as important,
really.
I'm not saying I don't still struggle with
little aspects of my eating disorder. I do still have an unfortunate habit of
turning to thoughts of food when I'm stressed, but I don't act on those eating
disorder thoughts anymore. It's tough to get rid of the voice completely, but
it's gotten so much easier to fight it. I know, I really do, that I am so much
more than any number, whether that be the size of my pants, the number on the
scale, etc. I have friends and family who love me despite my struggles,
regardless of what I look like. As a poet I just recently found said, "The
biggest gift you bring to any room is your heart." That's who I am. That's
who we all are. We are our souls, our hearts, our lovely and beautiful and
diverse minds and spirits. I don't choose my friends based on what they look
like. That would be ridiculous. And so it is just as ridiculous for me to think
people like me because of what I look like. As my therapist once told me, if
any of my friends are friends with me just for that reason...I probably don't
want to be friends with them anyway.
I want people to love me for my heart and
soul. I want to surround myself with beautiful spirits, full of joy and
laughter and smiles and love. And I think I have been. I'm working my way to
surrounding myself only with people who do love me and make me feel good about
myself. As difficult as it is, I have found that it is incredibly vital to cut
"toxic" people out of your life. If someone makes you feel bad about
yourself, if someone is hurting rather than helping you find yourself and find
happiness, you do not need them surrounding you. This does not mean that person
is a terrible person. They just are not right for you. Or maybe you are not
right for them. Either, way, it is not the end of the world. In fact, it is
beautiful: everyone is different, everyone is themselves. We do not need to
change who we are for anyone. You are never, ever going to have everyone in the
world be your friend or like you for who you are. That is absolutely okay. You
are loved. You are loved widely and wonderfully and wholly. If someone does not
like you, that is okay. Find yourself, find your people. They are out there,
and they will help you live a beautiful life.
"Don't let anyone, even your parents,
break you. Find good people who care about you and surround yourself with them.
If you can't find them at first, find good music and fall into it and let it
hold you until they come." -Davey Havok
Anyway. Back to the happiness question.
Happiness is not an absolute. No one is
happy all of the time. We have a tendency to say that about some people, and it
seems to happen especially after we have lost someone we loved. "Oh, he
was so happy and bubbly all the time. I never saw him have a bad day," we
might say. I'm sorry, but that is fucking ridiculous. No one goes through life
that way. Everybody struggles, even if they seem completely at peace with
themselves and the world. So do not push happiness upon yourself. Do not berate
yourself when you are unhappy. It is natural. And it is okay. It is okay to not
be okay.
With that being said, I do think, I have
suddenly found happiness for myself. I have never before been so at peace with
who I am and my place in the world. I mean, yes, I get stressed and I am busy
and I am anxious and sometimes I cry. But all in all...life is grand.
3 years into recovery, and I have happened
upon happiness in my life. Happiness is having the opportunity to participate
in vital marine mammal necropsies. Happiness is snorkeling with a
pod of manta rays. Happiness is walking around Washington DC in the late
evening with wonderful new-found friends. Happiness is obtaining an incredible
shark internship in Florida. But, happiness is also dancing alone in my room
late at night. Happiness is watching an entire season of the West Wing in 3
days. Happiness is hugging my stuffed shark as I read National Geographic.
Happiness is playing a ridiculous game of pictionary with
friends. Happiness is talking to friends on the lanai at school instead of
studying...because you know it's okay, and you'll do fine on that test, and
sometimes it's just important to stop worrying for a little while.
But I didn't really go *looking* for any
of that. I mean, I applied for the scholarship/internship, I chose to
participate more in the marine mammal program. But I didn't expect anything
grand or life-changing, necessarily. I was looking to move forward, looking for
something to do. And what I found was beautiful.
Happiness didn't come to me when I was
anxious about why I wasn't happy. Happiness didn't really come to me at all, I suppose. It is
just there, waiting patiently, and I found my own way to embrace it and build
it into my life.
Three years ago, I performed a dance for
my friends and amazing support therapists. I opened myself up to the world: the
pain, the loss, the sadness, but also the good. I was absolutely terrified
exactly 3 years ago today, when I walked out of that hospital. I didn't know if
I could do recovery. I didn't know if I could
handle the world without anorexia as my security blanket. But I cautiously
stepped out into the world, agreeing to try, to test the waters.
And I am so glad I did. I don't know where
I'd be today if that horrible yet lovely experience hadn't happened, but I
don't think I'd be here. Sitting in Hawaii, almost done with my 5th semester of
college, with so many friends and wonderful opportunities surrounding me.
I have grown so much and changed so much,
I think. I almost don't recognize myself from 3 years ago. Heck, I almost don't
recognize myself from this time last year. Sometime in this last year, in the
last 3 months, something clicked in my head, and I have opened myself up to the
true possibility that life is grand. A grand adventure, filled with twists and
turns and bumps in the road but also with oceans of love and stars of light. I
am filled with awe and gratitude every day. I almost gave up on life, truly. I
probably would have done if people hadn't reached out their hands 3 years ago
and started to lead me on this path. But I am so glad, so so glad, that life
did not give up on me.
Because, in the words of Agatha Christie,
"I like living. I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely
miserable, racked with sorrow, but through it all, I still know quite certainly
that just be alive is a grand thing."
I hope, maybe, to be able to pass on some
of my hope to other people. There is light and hope. Even in the darkest of
times, in places of the world where the sun has set, a tomorrow will come. Do
not give up hope on the world. Happiness is out there, I encourage you to have
happiness as a goal in your life. Happiness, above money or a "successful"
career or any material good. Happiness is incredibly important. But, that being
said, do not fret about not being happy, because that will not get you
anywhere. It certainly got me absolutely nowhere the past 5 or so years of my
life. Live your life. Breathe and cry and dance and laugh and find what you
love to do. One day, you will look up, look around you, and realize that
happiness has come.
I am so happy I chose, 3 years ago, to
walk out of that safe hospital setting. It was one of the hardest decisions of
my life, second perhaps only to the decision to step into that hospital. But it
was so necessary. To let myself live and find my own reasons for joy.
3 years. Alive and joyful and dancing. 3
beautiful and wonderful years.
Thank you so much to everyone who took my
hand there in that hospital, and everyone who has joined me on my journey since
that time. Without the love and joy of the spirits surrounding me, I would not
be this same person.
So thank you. Be good to yourself. Let
happiness come. And remember to always dance.
Happiness:
