Sharks. (Are Pretty Freaking Awesome)

Sharks.

Sharks are AWESOME.

And I mean that in the literal definition of the word.

Sharks truly do inspire awe. At least for me. I am filled with reverence and admiration for their amazing strength and beauty. (Yes I did say beauty)

I have mixed feelings about Shark Week. I love some of the shows and despise others. I love the science shows, like the Dirty Jobs one with the Greenland Shark. Or the various ones about shark research. And all of the Air Jaws episodes, including this most recent one. Because flying sharks are just so wonderful. Truly the definition of awesome.

I also thoroughly enjoyed last night's show How Jaws Changed the World and tonight's Shark Fight. So far, at least, I like how at least 50% of Shark Week's shows for their 25th anniversary have focused on the need to conserve sharks. Protect them. Truly, sharks are vital to our ocean ecosystems. We would not want to live in a world without sharks. The trophic cascade that would occur would likely be catastrophic to the ocean ecosystems so many people around the world depend on for their food, money, and livelihoods. The reefs I snorkel on in Hawai'i are noticeably devoid of the reef sharks that should rule the reef.

Why? Because we are killing sharks. 20-100 million sharks per year on average. And this needs to stop. Sharks can teach us so many important things about the world: about the ocean, about ourselves, about how we can treat various diseases, etc.

And Shark Week has done a great job so far of expressing the need for conservation. =)

I do wish, though, that Shark Week would do some more science-y shows focusing on all 350species of sharks. Like the cute little dogfish and coral catsharks. Leopard sharks, horn sharks, bamboo sharks. Wobbegongs. Epaulettes. Etc. I understand that the great whites, lemons, bulls, tigers are more terrifying and awe-inspiring to most of the world. So Discovery will get more ratings by showing those sharks. And reef sharks are important, so I'm glad they focus on those. But I very much believe that to truly understand and admire sharks, people need to understand just how prevalent sharks are and how many different roles they play in our oceans.

Save the sharks! They cannot speak for themselves, so we need to be the voice for them. :D

Cheers!

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "It's never been a perfect world. It's never going to be. It's going to be hard and scary, and if you're lucky, wonderful and awe-inspiring. But you have to push through the bad parts to get to the good." -Carrie Ryan, The Dead-Tossed Waves
Word of the day: susurration--whispering, murmuring, or rustling
Days until Hawai'i: 8
Shark of the day: Megamouth Shark

Finding my People

Hahahaha. So much for BEDAugust. At some point last week I just lost the motivation to write, because I was starting to feel really uninteresting. I spent my whole summer in Connecticut, working almost every single day (20 days straight at the very end). And now I'm back home doing basically nothing. It was kind of nice the first couple of days, but now I've been really starting to miss my friends again and wishing I had something to do. But anyway. In the last week, I have:

• Seen Obama talk at CC (Thursday). It was quite fun. I mean, it was also very hot and we had to wait outside for over an hour for him, but I definitely felt that it was worth it. There are many reasons I love our president. And maybe closer to election time I will do a blog post just about that. But one reason I love him is that Mr. Obama is just so personable. His speeches are so eloquent. He truly knows what he is talking about. He makes me feel like he really understands the plight of students, the middle-class, most of America. He was one of us before he got going onto his wonderful career path. And he truly does want to make any opportunity open to anyone. He doesn't want anyone tied down by a lack of money or healthcare: as long as we work hard, we can work toward anything at all. Truth. Also, when one person passed out because of the heat, he didn't ignore it. He worked it right into his speech and drew some humor out of the situation, while also reminding the rest of us to drink water and such. Win. :) Part of me wants to volunteer for the Obama campaign once I get back to Hawai'i even though I 1) won't be voting there and 2) If he doesn't win Hawai'i, he's screwed. I just think it would be fun.
• Gone to Water World with my dad and sister (Sunday). It had been 3 years since the last time I'd been there. It was fun. I still think I'm more of an ocean girl, but it was overall a fun day of family bonding. The water-powered roller coaster was especially cool, since I've wanted to go on one ever since I saw the one at Schlitterbahn on the Travel Channel back when I used to watch that channel.
• Been watching Shark Week. I love sharks. But more on that topic tomorrow.
• Gone to lunch with some amazing girls from my movement group (today).

That last event was particularly lovely, because I have missed all of those girls so much. I hadn't seen any of them since January, and even that was also just for a lunch. I miss our Sunday afternoon groups so much, because the group of 7 of us was just so...lovely. I felt so accepted from the first day I went in January 2011. All of these girls are so open to talking about anything. They don't hold back their feelings or emotions, and so they made me feel okay to continue my life after discharging from the edu where I had learned to do just that. 

Together, we breathed. We cried. We danced. We painted. We traced each other's bodies. We laughed. And we built a beautiful foundation of friendship and love. Every single time I went to group, I felt just a little bit more alive and a little bit more loved. 

And you know what is especially lovely? Both of those lunches, first after 5 months and then after 7 months, I still felt completely normal and accepted and happy. I am the first to admit that I am an incredibly awkward person, and so when I haven't seen someone for a while, I often don't know what to say or how to act. I'm afraid that people won't remember me or actually never liked me that much or just are no longer interested in my life. But all of these girls truly, truly are. 

From the first hug to the last and all of the laughs and stories in between, I could feel myself smiling and warming. Inside and out. Truly, these girls are beautiful. Every single one of them is so authentic. They ask the questions that matter, but they also laugh and complain. Because, yes, we are still teenagers. But I truly feel that each of us is separated from many other teenagers by one thing: we aren't afraid to live and love and be ourselves. We take the risk, every day, to be alive and express who we really are. How many people do that in a lifetime?

I will admit that around some people, I am too afraid to express who I really am. I try, I really do. That is why I am so open about my eating disorder. That's why I do try to talk to my friends when I'm upset. And that's also why I am apt to just randomly start dancing even when no music is playing.

Because I have lived through the torturous cage of not expressing myself. I let something else take over my brain and change me. I will not live through that again. I cannot. And so I am grateful to these girls. After a summer of feeling like I was losing myself because I couldn't truly talk to anyone, I found myself again today. I was reminded of the beauty of people, and, yes, the beauty of myself. People care about me. People want to hug me and hear me talk, even about the most simple things. Yes, we are still teenagers. I am still a teenager. We complain, we party, we spend too much time online when we should be studying. ;) 

But we are also beautiful human beings, composed of the most beautiful stardust. I remind msyelf every day to breathe that in, and to let that starlight within me shine out into the world.

I should not be afraid of being different. There are people who love me for taking the risk of expressing who I really am. There are, of course, people who do not. But I can never please everyone. I just have to keep striving on, expressing myself, and finding my niche in the world. My people are out there. My people are here, too, of course. And I very much hope to be able to see them again over Winter Break. For as much as I love Hawai'i, every time I get a Soma e-mail, my heart aches for those afternoons of love and light and dance. 

Cheers!

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "Only hang around people that are positive and make you feel good. Anybody who doesn't make you feel good, kick them to the curb. And the earlier you start in your life the better. The minute anyone makes you feel weird and non-included or not supported, you know, either beat it or tell them to beat it." -Amy Poehler

Word of the day: miasma--a noxious atmosphere or influence; unpleasant or unwholesome air

Days until Hawai'i: 9

Shark of the day: Spinner Shark

Summer Reflections Part I: NEDA Walk

Saturday. 19 May 2012.

Colorado Springs NEDA Walk

Almost 3 whole months later, it's hard for me to reflect on every single moment of this walk. I mostly remember the amazing feeling, the beautiful warmth filling my heart during the whole event. The first week back from college truly was a whirlwind one, because I had to focus on the walk, getting sponsors and people to come out, making sure I was still in a good place, and being prepared to talk. I'd done some work, of course, in the months leading up to the walk while I was still in Hawai'i. But much of the work couldn't be done until I got back, which left me 3.5 days to make sure everything was set in stone.

So the walk was stressful. I love organizing these walks, but I think one of the most unfortunate things about being the person to organize a walk such as this is you feel the stress first and the beauty later. It took me a little while before the walk actually started to allow myself to step back and realize how truly amazing each and every single woman and man who had come out that day was.

And they so were. I am amazed still at the wonderful sponsors we got to come out for us, and the myriad of women.

I think what struck me most was how different each woman (and man) was. We all held our own stories. Many of us held our stories inside of us, kept them locked inside a secret box. Because eating disorders, despite everything, despite all of these years, still remain diseases filled with shame and loneliness. We isolate ourselves because we are ashamed and because we feel society should be or is ashamed of us. They remain diseases of silence, while truly we are all screaming for attention. When we don't get that attention, the help we know deep inside we need, our feelings of worthlessness are reinforced. The world really doesn't care. I don't matter. I might as well disappear from the world. (Says the eating disorder voice in our head)

And that is why I think walks such as this one are so important. More people suffer from eating disorders than suffer from breast cancer in the United States. Breast cancer, of course, is a horrible disease as well that needs its own community and circle of support. But there is no reason why breast cancer should have a multitude of walks and foundations and Races for the Cure, yet eating disorders remain hidden in the background. No one wants to talk about them. No one wants to donate money to foundations that aim to aid in treatment and awareness.

But we need to talk about them. As the art therapist at Children's said, in the 80s and 90s HIV/AIDS was the disease of silence, shame, and stigma. It still holds a lot of stigma in our society, but it also holds our awareness now. People donate money, they walk for a cure. People support the sufferers, and, for the most part, try to understand the disease.

It's time we, as a society, now offer our ears and hearts and hands to the very real plight women (and men) face now today more than ever. It's time we talk about it.

And it's time, we, as women, as sufferers, as the ones struggling and shining every day in recovery, share our stories.

The amazing thing I experienced at the walk was that once I shared my story, more and more women at the walk, some who I had met before and some who I had not, wanted to share their stories. I didn't even share my story quite in the way I wanted to, but my words still had a powerful effect on everyone. As did the stories of the beautiful women who followed me.

Once I finished talking to a reporter and caught up with the rest of our small but mighty walk group, I couldn't help but smile. We were all getting together to form a community, a cocoon of support and love. Women were talking to each other, laughing and sharing stories. We were sharing stories of being broken and of rising up out of the ashes. Not all of us had healed completely, but we were picking up those shattered pieces of ourselves to become whole again.

I met some amazing friends while in treatment. I met some amazing friends in the journey following treatment, as we all took a step back together every day to admire the beauty of the world. We breathed, laughed, cried, danced, played in the dirt, painted. TOGETHER. And now, thanks to this walk, I met some amazing women who continue to inspire me every day.

I look down at my tattoo, reminded of Nick and recovery and my own strength to fly. And I look back to all of the amazing women I know, and I am reminded of how beautiful we all are. I am. You are. Every single person.

The world is a beautiful and strange place. We never think there are people who have thought the same terrible things we have or experienced the intense pain of destroying one's own body. But there ARE. We are never alone. Even when we feel like no one around us understands or can help, we are never alone. We just need to talk about it. Reach out. Love. And fill our hearts with warmth.

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "Fairytales are more than true; not because they tell us dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." -G.K. Chesterton
Word of the day: quisquilious--like rubbish; trashy, worthless
Days until Shark Week: 5
Days until Hawai'i: 16

Obama in CS

So I definitely told myself I was going to start with my Summer Reflections series today, but that didn't happen. I really do want to allow myself time to reflect on this summer, so hopefully I can push myself to do it. I think the fact that most parts of this summer were ridiculously hard and lonely makes me want to reflect on it even less. Part of me would rather forget most of this summer. But I NEED to remind myself that this summer was worth it. Tough, frustrating, lonely, but worth it. I grew a lot. I learned a lot. Etc.

Anyway. Time to make a short blog post. I really have gotten away from this whole blogging thing. I really DO still enjoy it, but it's hard to make myself write sometimes when there are so many other interesting things happening. Like:

-Cooking. Yay! Even though I know there will be nights I won't want to cook, I'm excited to be able to cook for myself at my apartment this year. :D
-The Olympics. I'm mostly interested in the track and field because in my heart I still wish I could run that fast. But the gymnastics is so impressive as well.
-Looking through old pictures. My parents dressed us in some RIDICULOUS outfits when we were kids. And I was generally a pretty funny kid. Haha. 90s clothing and activities....
-Obama speaking in Colorado Springs!!!!

I somehow seem to keep forgetting that this year is election year. I'm paying attention to all of the issues and such, but since we're not quite as involved in volunteering as a family as we were in 2008, I do forget sometimes.

But, anyway. Obama is coming to talk at Colorado College on THURSDAY. I'm sure the standing/viewing options will be just as bad as they were in Denver just under 4 years ago, but I'm still excited. He comes to Hawai'i ALL THE FREAKING TIME and I never get to see him there. So I'm excited. Not sure what he'll talk about, but whatever.

I feel like my posts the past 3 days have not sounded particularly reflective or insightful. I usually try to blog so I can look inside myself and take a better look at the world. But that hasn't happened yet.

So. TOMORROW. I will begin Summer Reflections Series. Beginning with the NEDA Walk.

Until then, Cheers!

Inspirational quote/photo of the day:

Word of the day: friable--easily crumbled; crumbly
Days until Shark Week: 6
Days until Hawai'i: 17

Summer Reflection Time

While it is only 10:15ish, I already find myself feeling quite tired. That seems to be the pattern in the first couple days after I return home: I feel very tired. It doesn't make quite as much sense this time, since I got more sleep per night this summer than during all of spring semester. But whatever. It is nice to be able to sleep in, even if I stupidly woke up at 6:40 this morning and couldn't fall back asleep. Grrrrrrr.

Anyway. As I continue to try this BEDAugust, with the hope of actually succeeding for once, I am going to devote most of my days to summer reflection.

Because this summer definitely was an interesting one. In good ways and bad ways. Definitely not what I expected or hoped my summer would be. But interesting. I learned a lot about myself and what working in the "real world" (whatever that means) might be like. I had some good times and some really frustrating times. Overall, though, I think it is incredibly important for me to look back on this summer as much as I can 3 months later in some cases. So I can remember, in the future, how much this summer meant to me. To remind myself that I didn't waste a summer. On the contrary, I learned a lot. And despite everything, this summer was worth the hardships and the loneliness. :)

But we will begin that tomorrow.

Cheers!

Quick Quick Thoughts

Hello!!! I am quite tired, so this blog post will not be long. Just some quick musings on travelling. :)

Everything went suprisingly smoothly from Connecticut College to the Providence Amtrak station. After that, several weird and annoying travel hiccups occured. But, of course, I am now home. And it feels so nice. Even just walking through the Denver Airport felt so wonderfully familiar. Not home, but definitely a piece of home to welcome me back right away. :)

With everything that happened this summer, I have truly come to realize how much Colorado Springs is my home. So much of my heart lies here. Sure, I can say that I don't like how cold it is and that I don't have many friends here. Those things are true. But my heart is in Colorado. Its mountains, beautiful blue skies, friendly communities, and beautiful lovely fresh air. Now, I have created another home for myself in Hawai'i, for which I am grateful. But I have truly realized over these past 2 months that Colorado Springs is my hometown.

One final thing: the attitude of flight attendants really makes all the difference when flights are delayed. On the first flight, the flight attendant wanted absolutely nothing to do with me and my question; she just wanted to keep talking to her coworker. But on the second flight, the flight and gate attendants were friendly, smiling, and really wanted to make sure we had a good flight. I'm not sure if everyone noticed, but I definitely did, and I am grateful for their attitude. It definitely made that second flight feel more pleasant, even with 5 or 6 screaming babies. =)

Cheers!

A Hiatus and Love

Ahem. So I clearly did not finish my goal to blog for one whole month. And it is too late to correctly begin BEDA(ugust). But I do so want to push myself to actually blog for a whole month. Not for anyone else, but just for myself. I need to stop telling myself "But no one's reading this" (imagine that being said in the voice of a whiny 8 year old who is hungry). I need to just write and write and write. Allow myself time for reflection amdist the craziness that is our world. My life. Whatever.


I definitely took a summer hiatus from this blog. Not entirely on purpose. There were so many nights I needed to reflect and had so many things I wanted to say about what was happening. But it never happened. Other things distracted me. I wasn't allowing myself the space to grow and think and truly reflect on what each day of this summer meant to me.


I want to start doing that NOW. On the last day of my internship, on the eve of me flying back home, I want to commit to writing again. Reflecting again. And allowing my soul to breathe.


I want to see if I can successfully blog for a whole month for the first time since April 2009. Then, BEDA was a huge movement by Maureen Johnson. I made so many friends through blogging and laughing and staying up late, talking to people in England and here in the States. We all pushed each other, laughed, and found our voices. For a whole month, we successfully put our thoughts out into the world. Granted, those thoughts were often INCREDIBLY silly, but they were thoughts. And even 3 1/2 years later, I am grateful I did that for a month. It's fun to look back at. 


In 2010, I almost completed the goal again. Through the tough beginnings of my IB senior year, I managed a blog every single day...until August 31st. To be completely honest, by that point my eating disorder had truly taken control of my life and my brain. Some things just weren't a priority any more. Especially on that day. I look back and love reading all of my posts from that August, for they truly show me the struggling person I was in the summer of 2010. And they remind me how grateful I am to be in recovery still today.


In 2011, I tried again for August. April was too crazy with IB tests, but August seemed doable. No summer homework this summer! No starting school in the middle of August! Just....moving into college over 3000 miles away. No big deal. ;) But I missed 2 days that August, never completed that last day even. College was too hectic, and my emotions were jumbled.


And then 3-ish months ago, I decided to try again. Through the craziness of finals and finding an apartment and moving my stuff and figuring out my internship, I wrote down my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, those thoughts weren't entirely coherent. Sometimes, I wrote at 2:00 after very long days and many hours both studying and talking to friends. But once I got home...I somehow lost motivation. I loved being home, but it was weird, and I wasn't sure where I was anymore. So, missed that goal by 4 days.


*sigh*


But I want to try again. I'm flying tomorrow. Then in 19 days I'm flying to Hawai'i again. I have to buy all of my furniture and get comfortable in a new space again. So it'll be crazy. But I will NEED that time for reflection. And I'm going to allow myself that time. :)


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On another note, Happy Esther Day. 


I know that I, myself, have a hard time expressing my love for people. I'm afraid of getting too close because I'm afraid that it will hurt even more when I lose a person. But that is no way to live. I know that, but sometimes the fear becomes too powerful and I close up in my shell again. 


Esther reminded all of us how important it is to use your words to show the world who you are and how you feel. She was brilliantly eloquent and a very gifted writer. She wasn't afraid of much, and definitely understood how important it is to love. Every. Single. Day. 


So, with that said, I love you. I may not know who you are, or I may have known you my whole life. But I love you. You are amazing, and you are valued in this world. 






Cheers!!!!


Word of the day: brobdingnagian--enormous, immense
Quote of the day: "I find the need to remind myself of the temporariness of a day, to reassure myself that I got through yesterday, and so, I'll get through today." -Gayle Forman