Aaaargh. My tiredness has not at all decreased in the past day. I know I've barely gotten any sleep over the last 2 weeks, so that's probably part of it. And I also do know the whole "one day per time zone" jet lag thing. So hopefully by this weekend I'll be okay. And then I'll have a little under 2 weeks before jetting off on a plane again. Yay!
But man, I still haven't really done much today. I started out cleaning my drawers, emptying 2 of them of old clothes to donate. Next task is to tackle my closet, which will hopefully happen soon. In the next few days. I did say it was my New Year's Resolution to downsize my life, and I still very much want to hold onto that and make it come true. I've done a good job of not increasing the size of my life, I think, as I've barely bought anything over the last semester of school. Now it's just time to get rid of what I don't need and offer it to other people.
I have had a headache nearly all day. Probably a combination of altitude and slight dehydration. I'm also hoping I'll get used to that, and that my allergies will go away. Otherwise it's going to be a lot harder to do this 5K next Saturday that I am completely capable of doing, knowing my current fitness level. I just need to get new shoes so I can get a little practice running in this high altitude before that day.
I miss Hawaii a lot though. I'm still having a hard time writing it in words. The continuous headache likely doesn't help that. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to post a more lengthy blog post.
But for now, I think it's time for sleep again. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "I’m grateful for anything that reminds me of what’s possible in
this life. Books can do that. Films can do that. Music can do that. School can
do that. It’s so easy to allow one day to simply follow into the next, but
every once in a while we encounter something that shows us that anything is
possible, that dramatic change is possible, that something new can be made,
that laughter can be shared." —Jonathon Safran Foer
Word of the day: ochlocracy--mob rule
17 May 2012
16 May 2012
3.5 hours?
I can't exactly say that I didn't have time to write this blog today. Because that definitely is not true. But I'm tired. And I've been tired. And just overall feeling weird.
It's nice to be home, but there are so many things I'm missing right now too. Part of me definitely wishes I could've gotten that internship in Hawaii and just stayed the summer. Plus, I know that home is only a short stopping point, a "three week layover" before my summer adventure in independence begins.
The rest of my time in Oakland went okay. I think I managed to sleep for maybe an hour and a half, broken into 2 45-minute nap periods. I felt surprisingly okay when I got off the plane in Denver, probably because my sleep cycles cut off just right. But really that 1.5 hours was all I really got of nighttime sleeping. I got maybe 2 hours on the flight from Honolulu, but that was mostly just tacked on to my lack of sleep on Sunday night.
Either way, 3.5 hours of sleep is not a lot, especially after finals week.
I feel like I have so many interesting things to say, but I'm still jumbled right now. I can't quite fathom my thoughts into concrete words. Everything happened so fast, and I can just tell that trend will continue over the next 3 weeks.
But I'm going to make the best of it, as i walk on the ledge.
For now, please excuse the shortness of this blog. I need to sleep.
Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "You can’t prepare for everything life’s going to throw at you. And you can’t avoid danger. It’s there. The world is a dangerous place, and if you sit around wringing your hands about it, you’ll miss out on all the adventure." — Jeannette Wall
Word of the day: perendinate--to put off until the day after tomorrow; also, to keep postponing from day to day
It's nice to be home, but there are so many things I'm missing right now too. Part of me definitely wishes I could've gotten that internship in Hawaii and just stayed the summer. Plus, I know that home is only a short stopping point, a "three week layover" before my summer adventure in independence begins.
The rest of my time in Oakland went okay. I think I managed to sleep for maybe an hour and a half, broken into 2 45-minute nap periods. I felt surprisingly okay when I got off the plane in Denver, probably because my sleep cycles cut off just right. But really that 1.5 hours was all I really got of nighttime sleeping. I got maybe 2 hours on the flight from Honolulu, but that was mostly just tacked on to my lack of sleep on Sunday night.
Either way, 3.5 hours of sleep is not a lot, especially after finals week.
I feel like I have so many interesting things to say, but I'm still jumbled right now. I can't quite fathom my thoughts into concrete words. Everything happened so fast, and I can just tell that trend will continue over the next 3 weeks.
But I'm going to make the best of it, as i walk on the ledge.
For now, please excuse the shortness of this blog. I need to sleep.
Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "You can’t prepare for everything life’s going to throw at you. And you can’t avoid danger. It’s there. The world is a dangerous place, and if you sit around wringing your hands about it, you’ll miss out on all the adventure." — Jeannette Wall
Word of the day: perendinate--to put off until the day after tomorrow; also, to keep postponing from day to day
15 May 2012
Airport and Heartsickness
Currently sitting in the Oakland International Airport. Technically, here it is Tuesday. But my body still thinks it is 23:00 on Monday, so I'm going to just go ahead and write this blog now. There are so few people in here. And they made me leave the gate area so I'm going to have to go back through security. *sigh* It won't be hard or take long, but it is a slight inconvenience.
All of my emotions are so jumbled right now. It's been a weird weekend and a very long week of finals and moving, so I've barely had any time to really sit back and think about what is happening or how I'm feeling about it.
But I really do find myself feeling incredibly sad. It didn't fully hit me until I hugged my RA Athena goodbye earlier this morning. I almost started crying right there, but I managed to hold it in. I hope to call her and talk over the summer and still be able to hang out with her sometimes next year. Her presence is such a beautiful part of my life; I hope it continues.
I woke up at 5:30 this morning to my roommate snoring. And then I left campus around 6:45 to carry some stuff to our apartment. The upside was that we got a lot of free stuff from the student center--2 chairs, a table, and 2 of those plastic drawer things. Plus a lot of smaller things. The downside was we had to carry all of it about half a mile from the shuttle stop to the apartment. I have so many bruises on my forearm and can tell I must have several on my knee as well. But at least the stuff is down there. And I'm so glad I have a place to live in August, with some lovely friends.
I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to many people though. Everyone was rushing still, and I didn't even get to say goodbye to my roommate who isn't coming back next year. i was in a rush too; the shuttle came early and then didn't wait for us so we had to wait for another one to come at 11:45. Ugh. Last time I'm using the Airport Shuttle Service. It'll be cheaper to take a cab to/from my apartment now anyway. But I made it through checking my bag and security surprisingly fast.
And then all of the sudden I was sitting at my gate, with half an hour until boarding. And it really began to hit me that I was leaving, wouldn't see my friends for 3 months, and...yeah. Things are changing. I won't live in the dorms anymore. As much as I will (or will not) hang out with people from my dorm next year, we won't be a close-knit family anymore. I won't live in the same building or have the same experiences. I'm really building my own foundation now.
I then made the mistake of reading some of my goodnights that Athena gave to me in an envelope while at the gate and almost started crying again. Yeah. Those are going to stay safely in the envelope for a while.
Luckily I managed to doze on and off on my flight, so I'm doing okay. Also, my body does still think it's only 23:00. And it's not like I never stay up until 2:30 anyway, which is when my flight leaves body time.
Phew. Well. I do feel this slight heaviness in my heart, as I have now left a place I do truly feel at home. But, I have pieces of my heart still in Colorado, so I am heading to that home too. I firmly believe I have several homes scattered across the world now. And, ultimately, I can carry my home, my family, and my love with me wherever I go. I'll bring all of it with me to Connecticut, and hopefully it will strengthen my faith and allow me to combat loneliness and doubt for those first few weeks when I'm still so unsure of myself.
3 1/2 hours until my flight boards. And then I'll be at my other home. Soon.
Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day:
Word of the day: donnybrook--a brawl or heated public dispute
All of my emotions are so jumbled right now. It's been a weird weekend and a very long week of finals and moving, so I've barely had any time to really sit back and think about what is happening or how I'm feeling about it.
But I really do find myself feeling incredibly sad. It didn't fully hit me until I hugged my RA Athena goodbye earlier this morning. I almost started crying right there, but I managed to hold it in. I hope to call her and talk over the summer and still be able to hang out with her sometimes next year. Her presence is such a beautiful part of my life; I hope it continues.
I woke up at 5:30 this morning to my roommate snoring. And then I left campus around 6:45 to carry some stuff to our apartment. The upside was that we got a lot of free stuff from the student center--2 chairs, a table, and 2 of those plastic drawer things. Plus a lot of smaller things. The downside was we had to carry all of it about half a mile from the shuttle stop to the apartment. I have so many bruises on my forearm and can tell I must have several on my knee as well. But at least the stuff is down there. And I'm so glad I have a place to live in August, with some lovely friends.
I didn't get a chance to say goodbye to many people though. Everyone was rushing still, and I didn't even get to say goodbye to my roommate who isn't coming back next year. i was in a rush too; the shuttle came early and then didn't wait for us so we had to wait for another one to come at 11:45. Ugh. Last time I'm using the Airport Shuttle Service. It'll be cheaper to take a cab to/from my apartment now anyway. But I made it through checking my bag and security surprisingly fast.
And then all of the sudden I was sitting at my gate, with half an hour until boarding. And it really began to hit me that I was leaving, wouldn't see my friends for 3 months, and...yeah. Things are changing. I won't live in the dorms anymore. As much as I will (or will not) hang out with people from my dorm next year, we won't be a close-knit family anymore. I won't live in the same building or have the same experiences. I'm really building my own foundation now.
I then made the mistake of reading some of my goodnights that Athena gave to me in an envelope while at the gate and almost started crying again. Yeah. Those are going to stay safely in the envelope for a while.
Luckily I managed to doze on and off on my flight, so I'm doing okay. Also, my body does still think it's only 23:00. And it's not like I never stay up until 2:30 anyway, which is when my flight leaves body time.
Phew. Well. I do feel this slight heaviness in my heart, as I have now left a place I do truly feel at home. But, I have pieces of my heart still in Colorado, so I am heading to that home too. I firmly believe I have several homes scattered across the world now. And, ultimately, I can carry my home, my family, and my love with me wherever I go. I'll bring all of it with me to Connecticut, and hopefully it will strengthen my faith and allow me to combat loneliness and doubt for those first few weeks when I'm still so unsure of myself.
3 1/2 hours until my flight boards. And then I'll be at my other home. Soon.
Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day:
Word of the day: donnybrook--a brawl or heated public dispute
14 May 2012
Sweet Sorrows and Heart Home
I wish I had something more exciting to talk about today, too. But I really don't. Overall, this has felt like a really long, dragged out weekend. But I'm definitely starting to feel the inklings of sadness. The hard part of leaving a place, friends, and memories. Remembering how much I have changed over this year, thanks to the family I've built here and the experiences I've had.
Parting really is "such sweet sorrow." I think it is wonderful to look ahead at all of the wonderful opportunities and chances waiting for you. And it's lovely to look back at the beautiful memories and moments of the past. And yet, the present remains comfortable, and it's scary to walk off of your current rock in the rushing river of life onto the next one. It's rough, scary, potential dangerous. But once you get there...
I hope the journey is worth it. I think it should be. I'm a little scared for Connecticut. I'm afraid of being lonely and not finding a job and the whole summer being "wasted." But I'm also so excited. It is amazing to even be offered this opportunity when I've only finished one year of college. And I just have to have faith I'll find a job and have fun.
3 months until I'm back in Hawaii. It'll be weird to be away for that long. It's amazing how in such a short time I've created a real home for myself here. Granted, I have now technically moved my living situation, but my heart is still here. My friends are still here. I grew here, and truly came into my own strength and life. I've danced, laughed, cried, ran, and celebrated the beauty of my life. I've left pieces of my heart and soul here, and I've finally been able to come to a sense of peace with Nick, feeling his spirit with me.
But I'll be okay. I still have friends and I have a home waiting for me in 3 months. I always say I want to travel the world and experience a lot, and this summer is the beginning of my opportunities for adventure and independence.
After all, I'm a ledge-walker, aren't I?
Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day:
Word of the day: ort--a scrap of food left after a meal is completed
Parting really is "such sweet sorrow." I think it is wonderful to look ahead at all of the wonderful opportunities and chances waiting for you. And it's lovely to look back at the beautiful memories and moments of the past. And yet, the present remains comfortable, and it's scary to walk off of your current rock in the rushing river of life onto the next one. It's rough, scary, potential dangerous. But once you get there...
I hope the journey is worth it. I think it should be. I'm a little scared for Connecticut. I'm afraid of being lonely and not finding a job and the whole summer being "wasted." But I'm also so excited. It is amazing to even be offered this opportunity when I've only finished one year of college. And I just have to have faith I'll find a job and have fun.
3 months until I'm back in Hawaii. It'll be weird to be away for that long. It's amazing how in such a short time I've created a real home for myself here. Granted, I have now technically moved my living situation, but my heart is still here. My friends are still here. I grew here, and truly came into my own strength and life. I've danced, laughed, cried, ran, and celebrated the beauty of my life. I've left pieces of my heart and soul here, and I've finally been able to come to a sense of peace with Nick, feeling his spirit with me.
But I'll be okay. I still have friends and I have a home waiting for me in 3 months. I always say I want to travel the world and experience a lot, and this summer is the beginning of my opportunities for adventure and independence.
After all, I'm a ledge-walker, aren't I?
Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day:
Word of the day: ort--a scrap of food left after a meal is completed
13 May 2012
Move in day
It is definitely 1:30 in the morning. But to me, it is still Saturday. So this blog is still happening, but only barely. (Shh...we're cheating again to make this blog actually post on Saturday. But we're definitely NOW 2 hours into Sunday)
I literally just got back from moving, hanging out with friends, etc. I've been gone from the dorms since 14:00. Because today was move-in day.
I feel bad because lately all of my blog posts have been incredibly boring, just details about my life. But, well, I really am too tired tonight (this morning?) to try to write a complicated post.
I woke up at 8:00 this morning and couldn't fall back asleep, so I just read some and then watched 30 Rock. I then spent the rest of the morning finishing packing, including my suitcases full of almost everything. At 14:00 I headed downtown to meet the guys who were moving our stuff, but then my friend called me and told me they wouldn't be ready until 17:00. So instead we went to try to look at furniture and ended up only with a shower curtain and a frozen pizza since we'd have to be missing dinner. Yay.
I was definitely worried I'd get lost trying to find my apartment, since I hadn't seen it yet, but I was completely fine. So I went ahead and hung up teh shower curtain and took pictures...it ended up taking the moving people 45 minutes to get down to the apartments, which was annoying. The guys moving our stuff were nice, though I'm pretty sure one, who was 19, was trying to hit on me. I was too tired to really recognize if he was or not. But we didn't really finish moving in our stuff until 19:00, and then we made the pizza in our oven (!). And we finally left the apartment at 20:00. *sigh*
After that we went over to our other friends' apartment who also moved today and just hung out some, eating food and talking.
It definitely is weird having my own apartment, but it's also nice. Our apartment is so empty right now, though. So. Empty. I hope we can get some decorations, a couch, a table, and some other furniture slowly over the next couple months. Make it really feel like home.
Here's a couple pictures:
And...definitely time for bed now. Until tomorrow....
Cheers!
I literally just got back from moving, hanging out with friends, etc. I've been gone from the dorms since 14:00. Because today was move-in day.
I feel bad because lately all of my blog posts have been incredibly boring, just details about my life. But, well, I really am too tired tonight (this morning?) to try to write a complicated post.
I woke up at 8:00 this morning and couldn't fall back asleep, so I just read some and then watched 30 Rock. I then spent the rest of the morning finishing packing, including my suitcases full of almost everything. At 14:00 I headed downtown to meet the guys who were moving our stuff, but then my friend called me and told me they wouldn't be ready until 17:00. So instead we went to try to look at furniture and ended up only with a shower curtain and a frozen pizza since we'd have to be missing dinner. Yay.
I was definitely worried I'd get lost trying to find my apartment, since I hadn't seen it yet, but I was completely fine. So I went ahead and hung up teh shower curtain and took pictures...it ended up taking the moving people 45 minutes to get down to the apartments, which was annoying. The guys moving our stuff were nice, though I'm pretty sure one, who was 19, was trying to hit on me. I was too tired to really recognize if he was or not. But we didn't really finish moving in our stuff until 19:00, and then we made the pizza in our oven (!). And we finally left the apartment at 20:00. *sigh*
After that we went over to our other friends' apartment who also moved today and just hung out some, eating food and talking.
It definitely is weird having my own apartment, but it's also nice. Our apartment is so empty right now, though. So. Empty. I hope we can get some decorations, a couch, a table, and some other furniture slowly over the next couple months. Make it really feel like home.
Here's a couple pictures:
Cupboard under the stairs!
And...definitely time for bed now. Until tomorrow....
Cheers!
12 May 2012
The Day when EVERYTHING Happens
Aloha. *waves sleepily* It is now 12:01 am, but I am again going to cheat and change that time back just a tad. I actually really have not been on my computer all day, other than to have music playing. Why? (I imagine a lot of people asking this, but that definitely is not true...)
Because I really do feel like everything has happened today. After waiting so long, trudging through papers and exams and housing issues, suddenly it's 3 days before I leave and everything has come together. As I had faith it would.
But anyway. I woke up at 5:15 today to say goodbye to a friend (*sob*) after getting less than 4 hours of sleep. I then went back to bed for...maybe an hour and a half until I had to wake up for breakfast. We immediately went to go sign the lease for our apartment (!), which took a lot longer than I thought it would. I didn't get to actually see the apartment today, because I had to rush to my final exam, but we got our keys and signed all of the paperwork. Our apartment already has electricity, too!
I took my last final as well, and when I turned it in I totally did not even comprehend that I just finished my first year of college. I just handed it to the teacher, went to get money back for books at the bookstore, and rushed to meet my friends (roommates now!) at the Safeway, eating my lunch while walking. ;) Ran some more errands downtown, then immediately came back to the dorms and commenced a rush of finishing packing boxes, calling rental car companies, calling movers, doing laundry, cleaning the bathroom in our suite, etc.
I did then have the luxury once I finished with (almost all of) my packing of just sitting in the common room for a good hour and a half talking with some friends and my RA.
I've missed my RA a lot over the last 2 months or so. Because while I know she still cares about me, I also notice she very much prefers to hang out with and talk to the boys in our hall. Which I completely understand, but I miss talking to her as much as I did last semester. I don't know if she fully understands just how much she helped me throughout the first 3 months of last semester. I was incredibly lonely then and still completely unsure of who I was and if I was in the right place. I was strong, but still not trusting in my strength, and I didn't know how to reach out to people who would care and just like hanging out with me. I just really don't know how to put myself out into the world, because I am so hard on myself and just automatically assume other people criticize me in the same way I criticize myself. Some might. But the majority don't. And I do think I found myself with a steady base of friends at the end of last semester and throughout this semester. I am incredibly grateful for that. But I never would have got there with out the tenderness of my RA, how she would always listen to me, even when I was in the midst of a terrible, paralyzing anxiety attack. I have so much love and respect for her.
And I'm really going to miss having her as an RA. I truly do hope we can continue to be friends and hang out some next year, but I know the likelihood of that really happening is not great. Although she may be living in my apartment for part of the summer and I hope she continues to talk to all of us. Because she truly is a blessing in my life and I am so lucky I had her to guide me through those months and this year, helping me to find myself and believe in my beauty as a normal, but inspiring and caring, 19-year-old girl.
But anyway. I'm going to make myself cry if I keep writing about this, so let's just stop. It's only 3 days until I leave, but I do still have to focus on getting my stuff moved. Tomorrow. 14:00.
It really still hasn't quite hit me that today I finished my first year of college. I was showering just now and the thought popped into my head of, "Oh, yeah, but I should try to do homework at some point tomorrow." And then I realized I don't have any. None. I'm finished until September. I just have to worry about moving, getting ready to leave, and hanging out with my friends before I leave.
That, too, is a blessing amongst this craziness. A glow in the hectic past few days this has been.
Hopefully I will remember to take some pictures of the new apartment tomorrow while we are moving in, since I haven't done that yet.
For now, though, I finish putting my bedding back on my bed, tape up a few boxes, read, and SLEEP. Because I've walked around an awful lot today, and I am tired. Very, very tired.
Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths." -Walt Disney
Word of the day: funambulist--a tightrope walker
Because I really do feel like everything has happened today. After waiting so long, trudging through papers and exams and housing issues, suddenly it's 3 days before I leave and everything has come together. As I had faith it would.
But anyway. I woke up at 5:15 today to say goodbye to a friend (*sob*) after getting less than 4 hours of sleep. I then went back to bed for...maybe an hour and a half until I had to wake up for breakfast. We immediately went to go sign the lease for our apartment (!), which took a lot longer than I thought it would. I didn't get to actually see the apartment today, because I had to rush to my final exam, but we got our keys and signed all of the paperwork. Our apartment already has electricity, too!
I took my last final as well, and when I turned it in I totally did not even comprehend that I just finished my first year of college. I just handed it to the teacher, went to get money back for books at the bookstore, and rushed to meet my friends (roommates now!) at the Safeway, eating my lunch while walking. ;) Ran some more errands downtown, then immediately came back to the dorms and commenced a rush of finishing packing boxes, calling rental car companies, calling movers, doing laundry, cleaning the bathroom in our suite, etc.
I did then have the luxury once I finished with (almost all of) my packing of just sitting in the common room for a good hour and a half talking with some friends and my RA.
I've missed my RA a lot over the last 2 months or so. Because while I know she still cares about me, I also notice she very much prefers to hang out with and talk to the boys in our hall. Which I completely understand, but I miss talking to her as much as I did last semester. I don't know if she fully understands just how much she helped me throughout the first 3 months of last semester. I was incredibly lonely then and still completely unsure of who I was and if I was in the right place. I was strong, but still not trusting in my strength, and I didn't know how to reach out to people who would care and just like hanging out with me. I just really don't know how to put myself out into the world, because I am so hard on myself and just automatically assume other people criticize me in the same way I criticize myself. Some might. But the majority don't. And I do think I found myself with a steady base of friends at the end of last semester and throughout this semester. I am incredibly grateful for that. But I never would have got there with out the tenderness of my RA, how she would always listen to me, even when I was in the midst of a terrible, paralyzing anxiety attack. I have so much love and respect for her.
And I'm really going to miss having her as an RA. I truly do hope we can continue to be friends and hang out some next year, but I know the likelihood of that really happening is not great. Although she may be living in my apartment for part of the summer and I hope she continues to talk to all of us. Because she truly is a blessing in my life and I am so lucky I had her to guide me through those months and this year, helping me to find myself and believe in my beauty as a normal, but inspiring and caring, 19-year-old girl.
But anyway. I'm going to make myself cry if I keep writing about this, so let's just stop. It's only 3 days until I leave, but I do still have to focus on getting my stuff moved. Tomorrow. 14:00.
It really still hasn't quite hit me that today I finished my first year of college. I was showering just now and the thought popped into my head of, "Oh, yeah, but I should try to do homework at some point tomorrow." And then I realized I don't have any. None. I'm finished until September. I just have to worry about moving, getting ready to leave, and hanging out with my friends before I leave.
That, too, is a blessing amongst this craziness. A glow in the hectic past few days this has been.
Hopefully I will remember to take some pictures of the new apartment tomorrow while we are moving in, since I haven't done that yet.
For now, though, I finish putting my bedding back on my bed, tape up a few boxes, read, and SLEEP. Because I've walked around an awful lot today, and I am tired. Very, very tired.
Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "We keep moving forward, opening new doors, and doing new things, because we're curious and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths." -Walt Disney
Word of the day: funambulist--a tightrope walker
11 May 2012
Hectic (Glow?)
It is late. Like, so late that it technically is not even Thursday anymore. We are already 45 minutes into Friday. But I am going to cheat and edit the schedule of this posting so it *looks* like I posted it on Thursday. Hahahaha.
Today definitely was hectic. I woke up at 7:15, amazed that I actually woke up when I wanted to for once. But, then the guy who was supposed to open the gym wasn't there, so that thwarted that plan. Meh. But then re rest of the day went like this:
Study. Figure out apartment details. Print out paper. Final. Get 2 phone calls and 3 texts during final. Figure out apartment details. Final. Figure out apartment details. Dinner. Work. (Study, Figure out apartment details). Run. Eat. Shower. Say goodbye to friends. Sadly look in exhaustion at psych study guide of terms.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm not worried about my psych final. One, I really do know everything. And two, I didn't study nearly as much as I should have for his last test and I still managed to get an 88%. I studied a lot for that final this weekend and then tonight while at work, so I think I'm mostly good. But it's just my nature, again, to panic. PANIC. Maybe I need a panic room. ;)
Definitely a hectic day. But, I think I can find some glow in that, and live up to John's band title. We finally got confirmation, at 18:00, that tomorrow we will be able to sign the lease for the apartment, get our keys, and schedule our move-in for this weekend. And I finished two more finals. Just one to go. Oh, and I also have 2 out of 6 confirmed As for this semester. Yay?
It's crazy. Because yesterday I was freaking out over those 3 things and here I am today, a little more than 24 hours later, with almost everything figured out. Today went by so fast, but definitely felt long and tiring. I'm glad we're nearing the finish line on my first year of college and I'm so happy to be walking, balancing on that ledge, ready to jump and make adjustments as necessary to the changes in my life.
Boring post.
For now, I'm going to look over these Psych terms again. And go to bed by 1:30 ish so I can wake up to say goodbye to a friend, eat breakfast, and go to sign this lease. Power through one last final. And then bask in the beauty that has come out of all of this chaos.
Oh, and I also cannot currently find my iPod, but I know I had it at 10:00 this evening when I was in my friend's room. So let's hope it shows up, because all of my music is on there....
*crosses fingers*
Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead." ~Louisa May Alcott
Word of the day: floccinaucinihilipilification--the categorizing of something as worthless.
Today definitely was hectic. I woke up at 7:15, amazed that I actually woke up when I wanted to for once. But, then the guy who was supposed to open the gym wasn't there, so that thwarted that plan. Meh. But then re rest of the day went like this:
Study. Figure out apartment details. Print out paper. Final. Get 2 phone calls and 3 texts during final. Figure out apartment details. Final. Figure out apartment details. Dinner. Work. (Study, Figure out apartment details). Run. Eat. Shower. Say goodbye to friends. Sadly look in exhaustion at psych study guide of terms.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm not worried about my psych final. One, I really do know everything. And two, I didn't study nearly as much as I should have for his last test and I still managed to get an 88%. I studied a lot for that final this weekend and then tonight while at work, so I think I'm mostly good. But it's just my nature, again, to panic. PANIC. Maybe I need a panic room. ;)
Definitely a hectic day. But, I think I can find some glow in that, and live up to John's band title. We finally got confirmation, at 18:00, that tomorrow we will be able to sign the lease for the apartment, get our keys, and schedule our move-in for this weekend. And I finished two more finals. Just one to go. Oh, and I also have 2 out of 6 confirmed As for this semester. Yay?
It's crazy. Because yesterday I was freaking out over those 3 things and here I am today, a little more than 24 hours later, with almost everything figured out. Today went by so fast, but definitely felt long and tiring. I'm glad we're nearing the finish line on my first year of college and I'm so happy to be walking, balancing on that ledge, ready to jump and make adjustments as necessary to the changes in my life.
Boring post.
For now, I'm going to look over these Psych terms again. And go to bed by 1:30 ish so I can wake up to say goodbye to a friend, eat breakfast, and go to sign this lease. Power through one last final. And then bask in the beauty that has come out of all of this chaos.
Oh, and I also cannot currently find my iPod, but I know I had it at 10:00 this evening when I was in my friend's room. So let's hope it shows up, because all of my music is on there....
*crosses fingers*
Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "Far away in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead." ~Louisa May Alcott
Word of the day: floccinaucinihilipilification--the categorizing of something as worthless.
10 May 2012
Dear Mr. President...
THANK YOU.
When I woke up this morning to see the interview with Obama, I was oh so happy. I am so proud of him for showing his support for equality for ALL Americans. As Ellen said, there have been times in history when one person has changed the status quo, and I can only hope this will do that. I understand voicing his support for gay rights may hurt his chance in the elections, but it was so important for him to do so. I am so proud of him for being the first President to openly declare his support for gay rights.
If you haven't watched the video interview of him, go do so now. And also watch the video where Ellen talks about the news in her show from today. So beautiful.
Other than that, not much happened today. Definitely a stressful day, what with trying to figure out apartments and studying for two finals.
*sigh* I think I know almost all of the information I can know for these finals, but I never know when to stop studying. Because I feel like maybe I should be able to absorb more information. It's very annoying. But I don't think this happens to many other people. I'm just weird. And get anxious easily.
Study practice:
(Marine biology)
Marine mammals can dive to very deep depths unlike humans due to several adaptations. At the surface, they perform apneustic breathing, where they take several deep breaths and then exhale rapidly to obtain oxygen. Their red blood cells have more hemoglobin and their muscles are rich in myoglobin, allowing them to be more efficient at taking oxygen from the air and using it in their blood. When they dive, they undergo bradychardia, which has also been shown in humans; their heart rate slows dramatically. Blood is diverted away from unessential organs (muscles) and flows to the heart, lungs, and brain. Thus, their tissues have a higher tolerance for lactic acid produce when muscles undergo anaerobic respiration. Finally, their rib cages collapse when they dive, expelling air from their lungs and causing them to absorb less nitrogen. This means marine mammals are less likely to get decompression sickness or the "bends," though evidence of it has show up in some whales.
Mesopelagic fish are adapted for the vertical migration they undergo at night to feed in the epipelagic zone. To avoid predation, these fish mask their silhouette in several ways. First, they use countershading (dark on top, light on bottom). Most fish are black, silver, or transparent and their bodies are laterally compressed so they cannot easily be seen from below or behind. They also use bioluminescence and counterillumination to mask their silhouette when seen from below. Mesopelagic fish maintain the swim bladder in order to vertically migrate. They have well developed muscles and bones. They have large, often tubular eyes for forward and upward looking and large mouths and stomachs. They tend to be of a smaller size since food is scarce in the mesopelagic and they need to conserve energy for vertical migration. These fish spend the day in a lethargic stupor to preserve energy for night. In contrast, bathypelagic fish do not vertically migrate, and thus have different adaptations for living in the complete darkness of the deep sea. First, they have lost the swim bladder and have very small eyes. These fish are often small as well, though bigger than mesopelagic fish. They tend to have globular shaped bodies, with black, silver, transparent, or red coloration. These fish use bioluminescence to capture and see prey. They have weak, flabby muscles as they are generally sit and wait predators.
(Communications)
The history of modern masculinity was shaped by four different events: the protestant reformation, colonialism, the growth of cities, and large scale civil war. When these events occurred in the 16th century, gentry masculinity developed. It included being involved in capitalistic venture and settling affronts to honor with lethal one on one combat. These men also had complete authority over women and a brutal relationship with agricultural workers. In gentry masculinity, due to the protestant reformation, heterosexuality became compulsory. Over the last 200 years, however, Gentry Masculinity has split. This has been caused by challenges by women, power relations of empire, industrial capitalism, and the growing need for technical expertise.
In recent years, the white male has come to view himself as the persecuted minority due to: the reemergence of feminism, the loss of the Vietnam war, the end of the Post WWII economic boom, affirmative action, and the lesbian and gay rights movement. Men are no longer the sole breadwinners and are expected to be emotionally involved in the family. This view of the white male as a persecuted minority has given rise to reflexive sadomasochism, wherein the individual's ego is split between a sadistic and masochistic half. The man tortures himself and is both the aggressor and victim. This stereotype can be seen in many recent movies. In these films, the man is the victim of a treacherous American society, moves in almost all male company, his courage slides into suicidal recklessness, and he is compelled to venture on dangerous solitary enterprises. His body is repeatedly torture and turned into a spectacle to be consumed. Thus, the male is simultaneously the stereotypical strong, self-confident phallic male and also feminized, as his body is put on display. This reflexive sadomasochsim and the filmic elements that reflect it allow man to be a victim (a feminine characteristic) and yet still remain a strong and resilient man.
.............And those are only 2 topics from each. My communications final covers seven topics. My marine biology final covers six topics. Each with many subtopics. Luckily, though, neither is comprehensive. And I really do think I know almost all of the information involved in my notes/study guides for both. But it's my nature to freak out over finals. *sigh*
Okay. Well, I hope you enjoyed reading that. ;) Tomorrow, I take TWO finals. But first, I wake up and go running on the elliptical, call the apartment complex, print out our paper, and study just a bit more for each final.
Phew. And then I work until 10. Ha, we'll see how I'm doing at this time tomorrow night.
Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: “I’ve just concluded, for me, personally, it is important for me to go ahead and affirm that I think same-sex couples should be able to get married." -Barack Obama
Word of the day: depensation--the effect on a population when a decrease in the mature breeding population leads to reduced survival of offspring
09 May 2012
Open Letter to NC
Today felt like a strangely long day even though I only had one final this morning that took an hour to complete and then just studied/did homework for the rest of the day. Bizarre.
While I was working for 4 straight hours in the library today, I got really frustrated at two points and had to take a step back and calm myself down before I freaked out everyone else in the library. Ha. I really do get frustrated having to edit other people's writing, just because I forget that not everyone comes into college knowing how to write well. So while I'm not trying to overly criticize them, I do want to help them make their writing better, but then I just feel like people take that the wrong way. This afternoon I had to go through and revise more of our group literature review paper, and I got really really frustrated at one point because of all the work it was involving and because I really didn't want to feel responsible for the quality of my partners' writing. I'm starting to think I could never be a professor just because reading other people's essays does frustrate and stress me out so much...The second frustration point was because Word on the library computer kept crashing. Definitely a much more reasonable frustration cause, but I had to just deal with it and start saving my document every 3 minutes. Yay.
I really need new running shoes. I said this in December, but at that point it was more of a "I want but do maybe kind of also need new running shoes." Now it is May, and I have had these current running shoes for 14 months. It has truly become a necessity now. I can feel the strain these shoes and their lack of support is putting on my shins and then as a result on my other leg muscles. And I'm not enjoying it. I keep putting off buying new shoes mostly because I don't know of any sports or running stores in Hawai'i and I don't like buying just any old shoes. So we'll see. I'll try to get some as soon as I get home so I have a sturdy foundation for the Color Run. For now, I'm going to take a little break on Thursday morning and use the elliptical instead to reduce the impact of the concrete, which really is directly going to my feet, calves, and shins at this point since my shoes have absolutely no support or cushioning anymore. I've been telling myself to take a break from running outside for a good 2 weeks now, but when the time comes, my shins don't hurt anymore so I just tell myself I'm fine. That's not how it works, Kat!!! Prevent injury, don't just rest after one occurs. *sigh* Also, I'm sure no one reading this blog cares about that last paragraph, but if I write it down, I finally feel obliged to actually follow my own advice.
And now, an open letter.
Open letter to the citizens of North Carolina who voted for Amendment 1*:
Congratulations! And enjoy living with your flawed morals and ingrained ideas of what is "natural." Your bigotry and lack of thought have taken away the rights of your coworkers, friends, and maybe even members of your family. I hope you are proud of yourselves, though you certainly do not have any reason to be. Your fear of change and your creation of an exclusive law and society are marks of weak and scared people. You fear the power these ideas and people may bring to our nation, and you have chosen to continue to live in the past. I hope you are enjoying it there. Enjoy living in your hatred, your fear, and your pride. I, and so many members of my generation, am so done with this lack of respect and fear of change and something "different." Different is not wrong. Everyone is human, regardless of race, gender, sexual preference, or any other factor. And every human being deserves the same rights. I can only hope someday soon you will see this truth and reverse your decision. I'll be waiting to hear from you about your opinions and choices as the times continue to change while you stay stuck in the past.
So there's that. Ugh. I really was so upset to read that news today.
Did you know that the closest living land mammal to the manatee is an elephant? And the closest living land mammal to pinnipeds (seals, etc) is the dog? And did you know that mesopelagic fish that do not vertically migrate no longer have a swim bladder?
And can you tell that I am currently studying for my marine biology final? ;D
I'm going to go continue doing that. 3 more finals, turn in this literature review paper, and (hopefully) sign apartment lease. All in 6 days. Eek.
Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day:
Word of the day: mawkish--excessively or feebly sentimental; also, having a faint, sickly taste
*I realize many people did not vote for Amendment 1, and I applaud all of you. Thank you for sticking up for the basic rights of every human being. I'm sorry the closed-minded people won out over the truth and over what is right.
While I was working for 4 straight hours in the library today, I got really frustrated at two points and had to take a step back and calm myself down before I freaked out everyone else in the library. Ha. I really do get frustrated having to edit other people's writing, just because I forget that not everyone comes into college knowing how to write well. So while I'm not trying to overly criticize them, I do want to help them make their writing better, but then I just feel like people take that the wrong way. This afternoon I had to go through and revise more of our group literature review paper, and I got really really frustrated at one point because of all the work it was involving and because I really didn't want to feel responsible for the quality of my partners' writing. I'm starting to think I could never be a professor just because reading other people's essays does frustrate and stress me out so much...The second frustration point was because Word on the library computer kept crashing. Definitely a much more reasonable frustration cause, but I had to just deal with it and start saving my document every 3 minutes. Yay.
I really need new running shoes. I said this in December, but at that point it was more of a "I want but do maybe kind of also need new running shoes." Now it is May, and I have had these current running shoes for 14 months. It has truly become a necessity now. I can feel the strain these shoes and their lack of support is putting on my shins and then as a result on my other leg muscles. And I'm not enjoying it. I keep putting off buying new shoes mostly because I don't know of any sports or running stores in Hawai'i and I don't like buying just any old shoes. So we'll see. I'll try to get some as soon as I get home so I have a sturdy foundation for the Color Run. For now, I'm going to take a little break on Thursday morning and use the elliptical instead to reduce the impact of the concrete, which really is directly going to my feet, calves, and shins at this point since my shoes have absolutely no support or cushioning anymore. I've been telling myself to take a break from running outside for a good 2 weeks now, but when the time comes, my shins don't hurt anymore so I just tell myself I'm fine. That's not how it works, Kat!!! Prevent injury, don't just rest after one occurs. *sigh* Also, I'm sure no one reading this blog cares about that last paragraph, but if I write it down, I finally feel obliged to actually follow my own advice.
And now, an open letter.
Open letter to the citizens of North Carolina who voted for Amendment 1*:
Congratulations! And enjoy living with your flawed morals and ingrained ideas of what is "natural." Your bigotry and lack of thought have taken away the rights of your coworkers, friends, and maybe even members of your family. I hope you are proud of yourselves, though you certainly do not have any reason to be. Your fear of change and your creation of an exclusive law and society are marks of weak and scared people. You fear the power these ideas and people may bring to our nation, and you have chosen to continue to live in the past. I hope you are enjoying it there. Enjoy living in your hatred, your fear, and your pride. I, and so many members of my generation, am so done with this lack of respect and fear of change and something "different." Different is not wrong. Everyone is human, regardless of race, gender, sexual preference, or any other factor. And every human being deserves the same rights. I can only hope someday soon you will see this truth and reverse your decision. I'll be waiting to hear from you about your opinions and choices as the times continue to change while you stay stuck in the past.
Sincerely,
A disappointed college student
So there's that. Ugh. I really was so upset to read that news today.
Did you know that the closest living land mammal to the manatee is an elephant? And the closest living land mammal to pinnipeds (seals, etc) is the dog? And did you know that mesopelagic fish that do not vertically migrate no longer have a swim bladder?
And can you tell that I am currently studying for my marine biology final? ;D
I'm going to go continue doing that. 3 more finals, turn in this literature review paper, and (hopefully) sign apartment lease. All in 6 days. Eek.
Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day:
*I realize many people did not vote for Amendment 1, and I applaud all of you. Thank you for sticking up for the basic rights of every human being. I'm sorry the closed-minded people won out over the truth and over what is right.
08 May 2012
Rant or Dance?
Today was a bit of a running around sort of day. I had my therapist appointment in the morning, which was fine. Then I went to stand in line at the post office for a good 20 minutes, only for them to tell me I had to go use the FedEx box in front of the building to send my package. Oooooookay. Whatever. Thanks for the $3.49 tape anyway. And in the afternoon I had my physical. The actual appointment took probably a total of 20 minutes, but the overall excursion lasted 3 hours. Ugh. Just one of the reminders that the buses are annoying. I still don't really want a car, though. I am blessed to go to college in a place that has a good public transportation system, and definitely here in Hawai'i buying a car wouldn't be cheaper. It would save time, yes, but would gobble up way too much money. Plus, whenever I do finally get my first car, I want to be able to buy a really good car, which I definitely cannot afford right now.
Anyway, it was just a little weird, because I'm not usually as busy as I have been over the past 2 weeks. Running around a lot. It's a nice change, but also freaks me out every once in a while until I remember to breathe again. It was also weird not having class today.
And for a good 30 minutes just now I was convinced it was Tuesday. But it can't be, because I haven't taken my Stats final yet. Well, at this point, it will be Tuesday in 20 minutes. Ah, well.
Also, while I was in the shower, I suddenly just started feeling this overwhelming rush of anxiety. It really didn't make any sense, as 1 minute before that I had calmly been talking to my friend, reminding her to e-mail her documents for the apartment and complaining about my group paper. So I couldn't quite figure it out, but my heart rate was definitely faster and I couldn't get the onrush of thoughts to go away. I think the most annoying thing about anxiety disorders is sometimes you really cannot figure out why you feel so anxious. And then you start focusing on your physical feelings and continue to feel more anxious. Yeah.
But I just drank some tea and studied one last time for my Stats test. And I think I'm a little better now.
Although I am quite frustrated. I really do hate that my group members put me in charge of compiling our paper that is due on Thursday and writing the Intro and Conclusion. Because that means I have to go through their sections, look for grammatical and citation errors (oh, god, the citation errors!) and then put together a long list of references. I'm hoping the professor doesn't grade it too much on the overall paper and rather on each person's section. I'm going to go ahead and put in a Table of Contents saying who wrote what section, even though she didn't ask for it. It can't hurt, and I do want to make it clear. Not that I think anyone's section is awful or even bad, but I want each of us to get graded more on the work that we actually did. /rant over/
On top of that, though, I also have to finish revisions for my writing paper, which is so annoying because I got 100% on the essay and none of my group members offered me any feedback. So I have no clue what to change for revisions. I'll probably do a few small things, like adding two sentences about economics and shifting my discussion of deterrence so it's all in one section. Bleurgh. /second rant over/
Okay. Woops. Ranting time tonight?
I'm okay, really. Nothing I have to do is super hard, but finals week always feels kind of stressful. But I'm not as stressed out as I remember being in high school, which in a horrible circle is making me feel more stressed. Stupid brain.
After dinner (before working on the stupid group paper), I watched Ellen DeGeneres' 2009 Tulane commencement speech, and my god, I love that woman so much. She is so genuine and so funny and so truly caring. Her final piece of advice to the graduates was to "Just Dance." And while I recognize the comedic aspect of that advice, I think it can mean something much more powerful as well. When you dance, you let go of your worries for a while and just let your body move you and express your feelings. I know from experience how wonderful and powerful an experience that is. I honestly think everyone should take the time to just dance in their room or outside in their front yard. For a little while, at least, don't care so much what the rest of the world thinks about you.
Just Dance. And keep breathing, through the stress and anxiety and frustration as well as the wonderful times.
Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: “We should consider every day lost on which we have not danced at least once.” -Friedrich Nietzsche
Word of the day: kickshaw--a trinket or bauble; a culinary delicacy
07 May 2012
Ledge-Walking
A mixture today of general blogging life stuff and a topic I want to touch on.
First, I can't believe I forgot to wish Hank a happy birthday yesterday!!! Gah!!! Happy Hanko de Mayo, Hank!!!! Thank you so much for everything you've taught me and all of the crazy things you have done in the name of the nerdfighters.
Today was okay. I woke up at 9:00 and then hurriedly got ready so I could Skype my parents. It was nice, because I could actually Skype in my room for the first time since October. I mean, I love my new roommate, but it was nice to have a little bit of alone time in the morning on a Sunday when I wasn't worried about doing homework and had time to Skype. Definitely felt nicer than having to go out in the common room where people just randomly walk by and slam doors randomly. But then I basically spent the rest of the day at work. I cleaned some and relabeled some books, in the process giving myself a rather deep cut on my hand with the razor we were using. Oops. And I made flashcards for marine bio, comm, and redid several math quizzes to raise my online score in that class to a 99%. Phew. So I'm pretty good for finals week. I'll spend the time tomorrow between my therapist and physical appointment continuing to study in Kailua, revising papers, bugging my group members, etc.
We also had our first finals week food night today that I helped set up, where there were delicious carrot cake bread things. And I then had a rather embarrassing moment while running around campus, but it's okay because no one else saw. NO ONE. Ha, and it probably marks me even more as a runner now...
But overall not exciting. We'll hopefully get everything in to the apartment realtor tomorrow and then find out on Tuesday where we stand and if we'll be able to pick up the keys and start moving in. *fingers crossed*
Anyway. I've been spending a lot of my time lately watching through 2008's fiveawesomegirls videos, and I'd forgotten how much I love these girls. I'm up to September, and Kristina's been talking about how scrambled her life is (was?) because she's starting a new school and moving into her first house, etc. About how she loves change and craves it but hates having to leave things behind. I think that's almost exactly how I feel. I'm excited for the changes in my life: Connecticut internship for 9 weeks, moving into my first apartment, finding an off-campus job, etc. But it's all a little scary still. I hate leaving things behind and having to say goodbye to this life, especially after only a year of living how I've been. Yet I do crave that change. I just have to keep reminding myself to breathe and whispering to myself that it's okay to just jump in. I know by now I'm capable of flying and I know the stars up above are watching for me, and Nick's spirit continues to guide me. Always.
First, I can't believe I forgot to wish Hank a happy birthday yesterday!!! Gah!!! Happy Hanko de Mayo, Hank!!!! Thank you so much for everything you've taught me and all of the crazy things you have done in the name of the nerdfighters.
Today was okay. I woke up at 9:00 and then hurriedly got ready so I could Skype my parents. It was nice, because I could actually Skype in my room for the first time since October. I mean, I love my new roommate, but it was nice to have a little bit of alone time in the morning on a Sunday when I wasn't worried about doing homework and had time to Skype. Definitely felt nicer than having to go out in the common room where people just randomly walk by and slam doors randomly. But then I basically spent the rest of the day at work. I cleaned some and relabeled some books, in the process giving myself a rather deep cut on my hand with the razor we were using. Oops. And I made flashcards for marine bio, comm, and redid several math quizzes to raise my online score in that class to a 99%. Phew. So I'm pretty good for finals week. I'll spend the time tomorrow between my therapist and physical appointment continuing to study in Kailua, revising papers, bugging my group members, etc.
We also had our first finals week food night today that I helped set up, where there were delicious carrot cake bread things. And I then had a rather embarrassing moment while running around campus, but it's okay because no one else saw. NO ONE. Ha, and it probably marks me even more as a runner now...
But overall not exciting. We'll hopefully get everything in to the apartment realtor tomorrow and then find out on Tuesday where we stand and if we'll be able to pick up the keys and start moving in. *fingers crossed*
Anyway. I've been spending a lot of my time lately watching through 2008's fiveawesomegirls videos, and I'd forgotten how much I love these girls. I'm up to September, and Kristina's been talking about how scrambled her life is (was?) because she's starting a new school and moving into her first house, etc. About how she loves change and craves it but hates having to leave things behind. I think that's almost exactly how I feel. I'm excited for the changes in my life: Connecticut internship for 9 weeks, moving into my first apartment, finding an off-campus job, etc. But it's all a little scary still. I hate leaving things behind and having to say goodbye to this life, especially after only a year of living how I've been. Yet I do crave that change. I just have to keep reminding myself to breathe and whispering to myself that it's okay to just jump in. I know by now I'm capable of flying and I know the stars up above are watching for me, and Nick's spirit continues to guide me. Always.
"I feel like there are two kinds of people in the world. There are people who walk on sidewalks, and people who, if there is a ledge nearby, will instead hop up on the ledge and walk there, arms out and balancing. I'm a ledge walker." -Kristina Horner
That beautiful quote by the lovely Kristina is true in so many ways for me. First, I literally do have the tendency to jump up on ledges and walk on them, balancing and laughing. Or just walk on the edge of the sidewalk and road, feeling the possibility of freedom and the joy of living.
But looking at those words in a slightly less literal way, they still hold true. I won't always stay on the "sidewalk." I won't always stay on the same path. In general, yes, I continue to follow my dreams, but I'm willing to walk on a ledge, have to balance a little and watch out for falling, in order to reach those dreams. I know I can't reach my dreams following a simple, straight sidewalk that someone else has laid out for me. Too many other people walk on that sidewalk. I need to find my own way to walk through life, my own little meandering path to travel on. Sometimes I might end up on the sidewalk, but when the chance comes, I'm going to hop up on that ledge and see where life takes me.
I love the feeling of balancing. I love holding my arms outstretched, almost convincing myself that at any moment, I could fly.
And maybe I could. Maybe I am.
Do you like to walk on the ledges? Or do you stay on the sidewalk?
I, too, am a ledge-walker, forever and always.
Cute chemistry cat joke to end this blog, and then a little bit of homework and a GOODNIGHT.
Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: “Don’t just follow someone else’s trail. Create your own path!”
Word of the day: subderisorious--ridiculing in moderation
8 days until home!!!!
06 May 2012
Sc(Rambles)
Let's start off this blog with some EXCITING NEWS. I think we finally found the apartment we will be living in next year. My one friend and I both filled out and signed the papers and put down $500 toward the deposit. So we just have to get our other 2 roommates to sign the paperwork and figure out if we need cosigners. And then, fingers crossed that everything works out, we will have a place to live. And it's really nice. Not too small, in a nice community, only 11 minutes from the bus stop and the general downtown campus. I definitely would've preferred to live on this side, but I think in the end it will be better to be kind of in the middle of everything. More buses go downtown, so it'll be easier to get home and get places.
That was what I spent most of today doing. I finished my flaschards for Psych. Because, you know, that'll probably be my easiest final, so of course it's the only one so far I'm trying to study for. Well, and Stats. I made my little study guide for that on Wednesday/Thursday. Ha. I'll get to marine bio and comm eventually. Honestly, I'm not too worried about any of my finals. I'm going to study for them a lot still because I want to get As in my classes if possible, but I'm not freaking out. Probably helps that only Stats and Psych are cumulative. Plus, in Comm more of my grade rides on the paper I turned in on Thursday, so we'll just see where that goes.
My main stressor really was trying to find a place to live. And while we're not for sure yet, just having an application somewhere and money toward a beautiful little place is taking a load of my chest. And I'm done with my papers, done with finding flights to Connecticut, and I've even packed up most of my stuff.
However, I haven't been too productive since like...eight o'clock. Woops. I mean, overall, I feel okay about today because I: 1) Made all my flashcards for Psych 2) Found an apartment! 3) Continued to pack up two more drawers 4) Found and scanned in all of my bank and pay statements to e-mail to to the apartment realtor 5) Printed out the slips to mail back my rented books 6) Searched for options for selling back my other books 7) Talked to my mom for an hour, which I haven't done since...forever, really. Probably end of November. Because even when I was home we didn't really talk much.
However, it is now 11:30. And I really should, this weekend, write my reflective letter for writing, revise my shark literature review paper, and then STUDY. But I feel good about Psych and I have tomorrow in the library to study. I feel bad sometimes not doing work at work, but on the weekends there isn't really much to do. I even asked last Sunday if the reference librarian needed my help, and she said no. Plus around finals time they really do always just tell us to study. I'm going to miss that when I have to get an off-campus job in August...
But anyway. I might be going to Maui with my mom in August. Might. I'm always a little hesitant about these things, because while I do want to repair my relationship with my mom, I know she doesn't have much money and also isn't very good at managing it. Plus she's sick and I want her to put all of her spirit and energy and strength (and money) into helping herself get through painful treatments. But she does know her situation better than I do, and I also know she really needs a vacation. So I can't really say no. I mean, I could, but I don't really feel capable of doing so. We'll see what happens. Because I do probably need a week here to settle into my apartment before school starts and we'll have to look at what the real cost would be.
Honestly, my life does feel a little scrambled right now, but I'm actually amazed at how well I've handled it. I kind of had a freak out last weekend because I didn't know anything about my living situation or Connecticut and I hadn't finished my Comm paper yet, etc, etc. But I'm mostly okay. Staying strong. Taking care of myself when I need to. Taking far too many breaks to watch old YouTube videos...And I'm proud of myself for avoiding eating disordered behaviors. That's a big step and a big change for me--different from IB exam time/graduation last year, definitely.
9 more days until I'm home. Then I have 3 weeks of calm before heading out on my own for 9 weeks. It's funny how much my life has changed, how independent I am, and how comfortable I am with it.
I'm a much stronger person than I used to be.
Or, maybe I just believe in my strength and my ability to get through things more now.
Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "Our bodies are our gardens--our wills are our gardeners." ~William Shakespeare
Word of the day: dandle--to dance (a child) on one's knees; the action taken by a dandler
That was what I spent most of today doing. I finished my flaschards for Psych. Because, you know, that'll probably be my easiest final, so of course it's the only one so far I'm trying to study for. Well, and Stats. I made my little study guide for that on Wednesday/Thursday. Ha. I'll get to marine bio and comm eventually. Honestly, I'm not too worried about any of my finals. I'm going to study for them a lot still because I want to get As in my classes if possible, but I'm not freaking out. Probably helps that only Stats and Psych are cumulative. Plus, in Comm more of my grade rides on the paper I turned in on Thursday, so we'll just see where that goes.
My main stressor really was trying to find a place to live. And while we're not for sure yet, just having an application somewhere and money toward a beautiful little place is taking a load of my chest. And I'm done with my papers, done with finding flights to Connecticut, and I've even packed up most of my stuff.
However, I haven't been too productive since like...eight o'clock. Woops. I mean, overall, I feel okay about today because I: 1) Made all my flashcards for Psych 2) Found an apartment! 3) Continued to pack up two more drawers 4) Found and scanned in all of my bank and pay statements to e-mail to to the apartment realtor 5) Printed out the slips to mail back my rented books 6) Searched for options for selling back my other books 7) Talked to my mom for an hour, which I haven't done since...forever, really. Probably end of November. Because even when I was home we didn't really talk much.
However, it is now 11:30. And I really should, this weekend, write my reflective letter for writing, revise my shark literature review paper, and then STUDY. But I feel good about Psych and I have tomorrow in the library to study. I feel bad sometimes not doing work at work, but on the weekends there isn't really much to do. I even asked last Sunday if the reference librarian needed my help, and she said no. Plus around finals time they really do always just tell us to study. I'm going to miss that when I have to get an off-campus job in August...
But anyway. I might be going to Maui with my mom in August. Might. I'm always a little hesitant about these things, because while I do want to repair my relationship with my mom, I know she doesn't have much money and also isn't very good at managing it. Plus she's sick and I want her to put all of her spirit and energy and strength (and money) into helping herself get through painful treatments. But she does know her situation better than I do, and I also know she really needs a vacation. So I can't really say no. I mean, I could, but I don't really feel capable of doing so. We'll see what happens. Because I do probably need a week here to settle into my apartment before school starts and we'll have to look at what the real cost would be.
Honestly, my life does feel a little scrambled right now, but I'm actually amazed at how well I've handled it. I kind of had a freak out last weekend because I didn't know anything about my living situation or Connecticut and I hadn't finished my Comm paper yet, etc, etc. But I'm mostly okay. Staying strong. Taking care of myself when I need to. Taking far too many breaks to watch old YouTube videos...And I'm proud of myself for avoiding eating disordered behaviors. That's a big step and a big change for me--different from IB exam time/graduation last year, definitely.
9 more days until I'm home. Then I have 3 weeks of calm before heading out on my own for 9 weeks. It's funny how much my life has changed, how independent I am, and how comfortable I am with it.
I'm a much stronger person than I used to be.
Or, maybe I just believe in my strength and my ability to get through things more now.
Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "Our bodies are our gardens--our wills are our gardeners." ~William Shakespeare
Word of the day: dandle--to dance (a child) on one's knees; the action taken by a dandler
05 May 2012
Packing Netflix
I totally just remembered what I was going to talk about in my Thursday blog. I knew it had something to do with YouTube and the fiveawesomegirls, because that's what I've been using to distract myself lately. And it suddenly hit me while I was running last night.
It's not as exciting as I remembered it being on Thursday, but now that I've remembered it, I'm determined to dedicate a short section of my blog to it today. Yep.
Anyway, so in one of Kristina's videos, she was discussing how her roommate "hated" her because weird suggestions popped up in his Netflix and amazon suggestion boxes after he bought things for her. And I remember a while back Hank was talking about how he gets funny suggestions for Spanish soap operas on Hulu, even though he has never shown any interest in that type of show....
It really does baffle me. Sometimes websites are good at recommending things. But usually they're not. And I always expect Netflix to be better because they DO ask you to rate things and they ask you to rate a LOT of stuff. Granted, I don't do it very often, but they're at least supposed to go off of what you have watched recently. The only thing Netflix is usually good at is offering me good Nature & Science documentaries, but I often have to go digging for the good ones anyway. They put the stupid ones first in my suggestion box.
But yes. I don't really understand it. I might as well just search for things I might be interested in if Netflix is going to give me crap like this:
I haven't really done much else today. I've gotten a lot of packing done, though, actually. It's crazy. It feels weird that I have to be out of here in just 9 days and then I'm never coming back to these dorms. But it hasn't really hit yet. I also can't decide what I need to bring to Connecticut with me. It's different from just going home for the summer, and I'm a bit lost. Everything's kind of a jumble right now with packing and trying to find a place to live and finals and going home and then not being home and trying to find a job in Connecticut etc etc. Somehow I've been staying relatively calm, but I think a lot of it is because I'm trying to ignore the big picture and just take things one hour time block at a time. (Trying) We'll see how things go. 10 more days until home.
Fingers crossed that one of the 2 apartments tomorrow ends up working out.
And then I will get more boxes, continue to pack, and STUDY. Study study.
Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
Word of the day: vexillologist--one who studies flags.
It's not as exciting as I remembered it being on Thursday, but now that I've remembered it, I'm determined to dedicate a short section of my blog to it today. Yep.
Anyway, so in one of Kristina's videos, she was discussing how her roommate "hated" her because weird suggestions popped up in his Netflix and amazon suggestion boxes after he bought things for her. And I remember a while back Hank was talking about how he gets funny suggestions for Spanish soap operas on Hulu, even though he has never shown any interest in that type of show....
It really does baffle me. Sometimes websites are good at recommending things. But usually they're not. And I always expect Netflix to be better because they DO ask you to rate things and they ask you to rate a LOT of stuff. Granted, I don't do it very often, but they're at least supposed to go off of what you have watched recently. The only thing Netflix is usually good at is offering me good Nature & Science documentaries, but I often have to go digging for the good ones anyway. They put the stupid ones first in my suggestion box.
But yes. I don't really understand it. I might as well just search for things I might be interested in if Netflix is going to give me crap like this:
Yeah. Whatever Netflix. Whatever.
I went to my last class of my freshman year of college today!! Wooooooooooooo!!!! I feel like maybe I should've been more excited than I was or am, but meh. I still have to finish up 1 paper and take 4 finals. So it's not over yet. And it wasn't very climactic. The professor didn't even mention it being our last day of class. The only thing I did after class was walk to the apartment complex I'm looking at with a friend tomorrow so I know where it is and go buy cleaning supplies so we can seriously clean our suite and get money. Oooooooo, money. ;)
I haven't really done much else today. I've gotten a lot of packing done, though, actually. It's crazy. It feels weird that I have to be out of here in just 9 days and then I'm never coming back to these dorms. But it hasn't really hit yet. I also can't decide what I need to bring to Connecticut with me. It's different from just going home for the summer, and I'm a bit lost. Everything's kind of a jumble right now with packing and trying to find a place to live and finals and going home and then not being home and trying to find a job in Connecticut etc etc. Somehow I've been staying relatively calm, but I think a lot of it is because I'm trying to ignore the big picture and just take things one hour time block at a time. (Trying) We'll see how things go. 10 more days until home.
Fingers crossed that one of the 2 apartments tomorrow ends up working out.
And then I will get more boxes, continue to pack, and STUDY. Study study.
Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "When you come to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on." ~Franklin D. Roosevelt
Word of the day: vexillologist--one who studies flags.
03 May 2012
5 years ago....
I know I talk about this concept a lot, but I think it's important for us to reflect on where we've been and how far we've come. It's hard to realize how much we have changed or how much we have overcome if we just look at the present. For most of us, that would mean we're looking at ourselves mindlessly roaming the internet or studying or sitting in traffic. We'd see the mundane things. So we need to dig a little deeper, to the core of ourselves. We need to think back and remember the person we were 1, 3, 5, 10 years ago. What were we dreaming of then? What are we dreaming of now? How much have we been through in that time period? Did we ever imagine at that age that we could reach this place?
I do do this a lot, but I tend to focus more on the eating disorder side of things. Which is absolutely important for me, because that really does show me how far I've come. I can look back to the awful place I was in 2 years ago and truly feel proud of myself for how far I've come.
But what about before that?
5 years ago was May 2007. My last month of being in middle school. I remember being a very different person in middle school. I had more friends in middle school, surprisingly, or at least in 8th grade. I actually remember being really excited to go to high school. I remember some of the funny things I would do with my friends and how amazingly fun all of my classes were that year. Somehow it felt really cool to be an 8th grader, and I don't really remember anyone being very mean to me. I know people always say middle school girls are the meanest, and I do think that's true to a certain extent. But I remember that happening more in 6th and 7th grade than in 8th grade. I wasn't friends with, but certainly talked to some of the popular girls. I was incredibly nerdy, definitely. I had braces and didn't know the "right" clothes to wear. I never wore make-up (hahaha). And I certainly wasn't friends with the super popular girls of the school, the ones outside of the IB program. But I had a fair amount of friends, despite my incredible nerdiness and lack of any sort of fashion sense.
I was in Advanced Art and built a model of the Golden Gate bridge. I had a very small part in our spring musical. I sang in the "graduation" choir. I played basketball and ran track and helped put together the school's 10th anniversary yearbook. Overall, I allowed myself to grow a little bit more and not be so shy. That summer, the trend continued as I got incredibly excited over Harry Potter and found my little niche online and, again, did not care at all about what I was wearing.
That shifted dramatically when I got to high school, though, and I still can't quite put my finger on what happened.
But anyway, I definitely wouldn't have imagined in May 2007, as I was launching rockets with friends and getting ready to move to high school that I would be sitting in Hawaii in 5 years 12 days away from finishing my first semester of college. I think in 8th grade I was still sort of going back and forth between marine biology and journalism (I do credit my amazing high school teachers for fostering my love for and aptitude in science). I had no idea where I wanted to go to school and I still couldn't even fathom being a senior in high school, let alone a college student.
I also couldn't have imagined then being the girl with an eating disorder. I do remember the first inklings of really, really caring about how I looked popping up around January of my 8th grade year. They'd been there to a small extent throughout middle school (girls are mean...), but I do think something about the pressure of high school made them stronger. But I was so happy, with so many friends, that I never could have imagined falling into that place. No one, of course, chooses it. And no one really remembers the first day. But it's just interesting. Because I know 5 years ago I never would have imagined that everything that has happened to me in those years would have happened.
Interesting.
So look at how much I've grown. From an awkward young teenager to a falling apart, ravaged body to a strong, resilient young college woman ready to find my way in the world, despite the struggles and obstacles in my way.
I definitely encourage everyone to do this. And I'm excited in 2 years to go back and look at my "letter to myself" from BEDA 2009. We'll see if anything I imagined then comes true.
5 years ago
Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "We do not remember days; we remember moments." -Cesare Paves
Word of the day: renitent--resistant to pressure
Patience and Manic Mondays?
It's funny, because ever since I posted that blog post yesterday I've noticed more the moments when I get really impatient. And it's an awful lot of the time. More than I probably should get impatient, really. It's easy, especially during this stressful finals time period, to focus only on myself and what I need to get done. But everyone around me is dealing with their own stresses, and they aren't in tune with what I need. None of us are, really. And we probably can't be, not 100%, not all of the time. I think it's probably more important that we realize that.
When I do find myself getting impatient, I take a deep breath, pause for a moment, and remind myself that it is okay. Everything will work out, somehow, in the end. For example, I'm now done with my Marine Biology Lab class (which is good but also sad) and finished with my Communications paper. I know when I start and end my internship, though I still need to buy flights. The walk is now over 1000 dollars (!!!!). Now all I have left is buying a flight, finding an apartment, 1 paper, and 4 finals. Which still sounds like, and is, a lot, but it can get done.
I just need to find the space and time to be patient with myself and with the world. The world, the stars have let me down in the past, but through it all, I know I can still count on that light and spirit to guide me to where I need to be going. Sometimes it might take a while, but we're always guided there eventually.
In other random news, I've had the song "Manic Monday" stuck in my head for the past hour and I have no freaking idea where it came from. It's kind of freaking me out, because I haven't heard that song in years. Brains are weird. Why do I all of the sudden remember the lyrics to that song but you can't help me remember vital information on tests, brain? WHY?
Man, I totally had something I was going to write about here that I was thinking about while taking a shower. But I can't remember it now........
................
...............................
.........................................
.................................................
Yep, no clue.
But I would like to say that I am obsessed with my new screensaver, which I got from these guys:
http://theblu.com/home
Seriously, it makes me want to let my computer go to sleep just so I can watch the pretty fish and identify them. Just one more distraction.....
Also, I don't have to go to stats tomorrow, so if I don't write this blog before noon tomorrow, I don't even know. I would say punish me, but no one really reads this. So I'll just be very angry if I don't write it when I actually have time before the evening for once. Before getting back from work at 10:15 and then going to get food and not coming back to my room until almost 11:00, like happened today.
Geez.
Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "Have patience with all things, but first of all with yourself." -St. Francis de Sales"
Word of the day: bosky--having an abundance of trees or shrubbery.
When I do find myself getting impatient, I take a deep breath, pause for a moment, and remind myself that it is okay. Everything will work out, somehow, in the end. For example, I'm now done with my Marine Biology Lab class (which is good but also sad) and finished with my Communications paper. I know when I start and end my internship, though I still need to buy flights. The walk is now over 1000 dollars (!!!!). Now all I have left is buying a flight, finding an apartment, 1 paper, and 4 finals. Which still sounds like, and is, a lot, but it can get done.
I just need to find the space and time to be patient with myself and with the world. The world, the stars have let me down in the past, but through it all, I know I can still count on that light and spirit to guide me to where I need to be going. Sometimes it might take a while, but we're always guided there eventually.
In other random news, I've had the song "Manic Monday" stuck in my head for the past hour and I have no freaking idea where it came from. It's kind of freaking me out, because I haven't heard that song in years. Brains are weird. Why do I all of the sudden remember the lyrics to that song but you can't help me remember vital information on tests, brain? WHY?
Man, I totally had something I was going to write about here that I was thinking about while taking a shower. But I can't remember it now........
................
...............................
.........................................
.................................................
Yep, no clue.
But I would like to say that I am obsessed with my new screensaver, which I got from these guys:
http://theblu.com/home
Seriously, it makes me want to let my computer go to sleep just so I can watch the pretty fish and identify them. Just one more distraction.....
Also, I don't have to go to stats tomorrow, so if I don't write this blog before noon tomorrow, I don't even know. I would say punish me, but no one really reads this. So I'll just be very angry if I don't write it when I actually have time before the evening for once. Before getting back from work at 10:15 and then going to get food and not coming back to my room until almost 11:00, like happened today.
Geez.
Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "Have patience with all things, but first of all with yourself." -St. Francis de Sales"
Word of the day: bosky--having an abundance of trees or shrubbery.
02 May 2012
The (Small) Great Moments in Ordinary Days
While sitting on Tumblr today as a short break between studying for my lab test and finishing my lab presentation, I stumbled upon this beautiful story:
A Sweet Lesson in Patience
To be honest, the whole story kind of blew me away. I think I do tend to hold onto some stereotypes about cab drivers, especially cab drivers in big cities, as being very impatient people who really don't want to talk to the people they are taking around. But this man...just seems so amazing. A wonderful person, in every single way.
And I think we can all learn a lot from his story.
It is definitely easy, in our current society and times, to be impatient and edgy. It's easy to get frustrated with that older person in front of you while you're trying to get to where you need to go slowly moving along with their walker. We pass by the homeless people, not giving most of them a second thought. We offer our seats to the elderly, yes, but we don't try to talk to them. Sometimes, those people are lonely and need someone to talk to more than anyone. How hard would it be to just take our headphones out of our ears for one bus ride and at least try to talk to the person sitting next to us?
I truly do strive to get to know people, but I never actually put myself out there and do so. I think that cab drivers, bus riders, etc, have a wonderful opportunity to connect with a lot of people and make a small difference in their day. Most people tend to see these jobs as lower, not really worthy of intelligent, good people. But I disagree with that. It is incredible to get to connect with so many different people every day.
Of course, the story of this cab driver is a bit unique. Most of us will not, in our lives, have the chance to drive a very old, very fragile young woman through the pathways of her life, picturing her dancing in black and white and handing her off to a safe journey to the stars. It's an amazing story, but one that will not come to most of us.
But, I definitely would say that most of us do not realize how much we can impact someone else's life in the small ways. We're always striving for something bigger and better, to change the whole world. But I think the true miracles, the true changes, happen in our day-to-day lives while we're not even truly trying.
I honestly believe every single person makes a difference in the world just by the fact that they are alive, breathing, and using the planet. I remember that back at the beginning of this semester, the head of Residence Life at my college said something along the lines of, "It's too late for you to make a difference in the world now." And I was totally taken aback. Because that's totally not true. For one, everyone has already made a difference in the world. And second, we continue to make a difference in the world every single day that we live. Most of us will not make a big gesture, save the lives of a ton of people, save a baby from a burning building, etc. But we make small gestures every day, every ordinary day. The great moments in our lives are happening every day, and we just pass them by.
There's one quote from An Abundance of Katherines that goes:
A Sweet Lesson in Patience
To be honest, the whole story kind of blew me away. I think I do tend to hold onto some stereotypes about cab drivers, especially cab drivers in big cities, as being very impatient people who really don't want to talk to the people they are taking around. But this man...just seems so amazing. A wonderful person, in every single way.
And I think we can all learn a lot from his story.
It is definitely easy, in our current society and times, to be impatient and edgy. It's easy to get frustrated with that older person in front of you while you're trying to get to where you need to go slowly moving along with their walker. We pass by the homeless people, not giving most of them a second thought. We offer our seats to the elderly, yes, but we don't try to talk to them. Sometimes, those people are lonely and need someone to talk to more than anyone. How hard would it be to just take our headphones out of our ears for one bus ride and at least try to talk to the person sitting next to us?
I truly do strive to get to know people, but I never actually put myself out there and do so. I think that cab drivers, bus riders, etc, have a wonderful opportunity to connect with a lot of people and make a small difference in their day. Most people tend to see these jobs as lower, not really worthy of intelligent, good people. But I disagree with that. It is incredible to get to connect with so many different people every day.
Of course, the story of this cab driver is a bit unique. Most of us will not, in our lives, have the chance to drive a very old, very fragile young woman through the pathways of her life, picturing her dancing in black and white and handing her off to a safe journey to the stars. It's an amazing story, but one that will not come to most of us.
But, I definitely would say that most of us do not realize how much we can impact someone else's life in the small ways. We're always striving for something bigger and better, to change the whole world. But I think the true miracles, the true changes, happen in our day-to-day lives while we're not even truly trying.
I honestly believe every single person makes a difference in the world just by the fact that they are alive, breathing, and using the planet. I remember that back at the beginning of this semester, the head of Residence Life at my college said something along the lines of, "It's too late for you to make a difference in the world now." And I was totally taken aback. Because that's totally not true. For one, everyone has already made a difference in the world. And second, we continue to make a difference in the world every single day that we live. Most of us will not make a big gesture, save the lives of a ton of people, save a baby from a burning building, etc. But we make small gestures every day, every ordinary day. The great moments in our lives are happening every day, and we just pass them by.
There's one quote from An Abundance of Katherines that goes:
“What is the point of being alive if you don’t at least try to do something remarkable?”
This quote is said by Colin, and I know John has gotten a little grumpy about how many people retweet it, reblog it, and seem to use it to guide their lives. Because, as he's said, he doesn't really believe that is true. Colin believes it to be true in the book, although by the end he seems to realize he doesn't need to create this perfect formula for predicting relationships or be a huge genius or anything, really. He just needs to live. And, preferably, not continue to be dumped by girls named Katherine.
I think John does a good job of providing the opposite in The Fault in our Stars with the juxtaposition of Hazel and Augustus and their differing ideas of heroism and how one should live their life {SPOILER ALERT!!!}
Gus: The oblivion fear is something else, fear that I won't be able to give anything in exchange for my life. If you don't live a life in service of a greater good, you've gotta at least die a death in service of a greater good, you know? And I fear that I won't get either a life or death that means anything."
Hazel: Your obsession with, like, dying for something or leaving behind some great sign of your heroism or whatever. It's just weird.
Gus: Everyone wants to live an extraordinary life.
Hazel: Not everyone.
Gus: Are you mad?
Hazel: It's just. It's really mean of you to say that the only lives that matter are the ones that are lived for something or die for something. That's a really mean thing to say to me.
I really love this passage, and I really love the differences between the two of them. And I do really like Hazel's quiet heroism, the fact that she lives not widely but deeply. Or maybe I just like it because that is generally the way I live. I don't always try to touch the lives of a lot of people or have a lot of friends, but when I do find a good friendship, I nurture it deeply. I don't let it go. I hope that I can be remembered that way whenever the time comes (hopefully a long way away) for me to join the stars again.
But yes. I don't think the only heroes are the soldiers or missionaries or rescue workers. I think they are heroes, of course. But everyone, every day shows a unique type of heroism that is just as beautiful and admirable.
The (small) Great moments are occurring every single "ordinary" day.
Don't miss them.
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware, beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one." -Cab driver
Word of the day: contumelious--insolently abusive and humiliating
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