And I’ve spent all of last night and most of today either crying in secret or trying not to cry in front of my stepmom. I’m not ready. And I’m not happy. That’s incredibly hard for me to admit, but it’s true.
I mean, I’m almost 23 years old. I’m supposed to be an adult now, right? I’m supposed to want to go on adventures and move somewhere new and make new friends and get drunk and find a job and leave my parents behind.
But I’ve never felt so attached to home and so “unadventurous”.
(This post is kind of all over the place, so bear with me if you want to read further)
I chose graduate school because I thought I would love it and thought it would make me happy. I also chose graduate school because I felt it was “expected of me”, as an intelligent and hard working student who also spent her summers and undergraduate time participating in and conducting her own (guided) research. Also both of my parents have PhDs and my sister is going for her PhD (and much happier and doing much better than I am...) so I felt like I’d be a disappointment if I did otherwise. They have both said otherwise, and currently I don’t think I want to go for my PhD after I earn my master’s. But right now I’m wishing I didn’t rush into my master’s so quickly either. I wish I’d given myself time to explore and dream and laugh and hell, even work so-called “stupid” jobs before I found what I really wanted.
We seem to have a weird thing in society where we very highly value people in academia, at the expense of people who work very important jobs that seem “lesser”. I mean, earning a PhD is certainly admirable and requires a lot of hard work, but it’s no the only job to be revered (I guess along with lawyers, doctors, etc). But I know I felt pressured in some way to go to graduate school. And upon reflection I genuinely think I’d be much happier if I’d listened to my heart and transferred out of HPU to a much quieter, gentler school here in Colorado, working towards a degree in sustainability or outdoor recreation or something where I could get a job that would allow me to be outside, where my soul opens and my smile brightens.
I know, I know it does nothing to think back to “what could have been” because I can’t change that now. But I can’t help myself.
I think I rushed into life a bit to quickly after I entered into recovery from my eating disorder five years ago. After a quiet and gentle (though definitely painful, extremely painful) three months in treatment, I rushed very quickly into applying for college and studying very hard for my IB tests during my senior year. Then I rushed into college, over the years pushing myself very hard to keep a 4.0, apply to internships and scholarships, participate in research, and always study. And then I missed out on a lot of fun I could’ve had during my senior year of college because again I pushed myself too hard to study study study while also applying to graduate school.
I didn’t allow myself enough time to grieve certain things. I didn’t allow myself to laugh enough or dance enough. I didn’t allow myself to be the carefree person I know I am and can be. I want to open my heart and open my arms and feel the world. I know academia can’t bring me that--I’ll stick through my masters program for the next 1.5 to 2.5 years, but then I have no idea anymore what I want--except that I want to be freer and more myself.
This is all fucking terrifying to me.
I definitely think a lot of this is the remnants of the causes and symptoms of my eating disorder that I never dealt with. I have become amazingly OK with my body image and with food, though I still have stupid struggles sometimes with thinking about calories and thinking I don’t “deserve” to eat when I should be studying or grading. Whatever the fuck that means.
But mostly now what I’m dealing with is the underlying stuff that I never wanted to face. My overwhelming anxiety. How I constantly feel inadequate and uncomfortable in my skin--not because of how I look, but because of who I am and how people react to me. My obsessiveness--switched away from food thank god, but moved just as unhealthily to an obsessiveness with my grades and my future and being the perfect child. My grief. Not only for Nick, but for the childhood I missed, the teenage years I missed out on due to my eating disorder.
I don’t ever try to hide my eating disorder history from the world anymore, but I think I do still spend too much time ignoring my own feelings and desires.
I’m very scared. All the time. And very lonely. All the time. I forget that 6 years ago I didn’t want to live anymore. That 6 years ago I was slowly killing myself. I know a large part of my eating disorder stemmed from the fact that I didn’t want to grow up, that I felt I didn’t deserve to be a part of this world, especially after I lost Nick. While I am no longer killing myself, and I am desperately happy to be alive despite my pain and sadness, I do think those toxic thoughts are still with me. Maybe now in the back of my mind as I try to focus more on my work, but still there and still very toxic. And I have to not let them control me and how I live.
Notes to myself:
Remember, you have come so far. Regardless of the fact that you are uncomfortable and lonely and often very sad, remember you are alive. Remember how much you have been through, how much you have survived. Be at peace with yourself. Trust that happiness will come. Remember what you choose now, what you do now does not have to be the rest of your life. In fact, statistics show that you will change jobs many times throughout your life. You will change, your dreams will change, and the course of your life will change. And that is all OK.
I know you are afraid to grow up, to be a part of the world--you still think you don’t deserve all of this. But you do. Remember you still have people who love you and friends who want to be around you, friends who know your deepest secrets and have shared your darkest times. It’s OK if you haven’t found your place yet in the world, and you feel lonely in Jacksonville. That doesn’t change the fact that you are loved and you belong in the world.
Don’t be ashamed of crying. It’s OK that you don’t know who you are yet. Life is messy and painful. You have already had your fair share of pain, but the pain will still come. Because you are alive, yo are messy, you are changing, and you are OK.
It’s OK to not be OK or feel OK, but trust me anyways that you are. You are enough and you will continue to grow into who you are supposed to be.
..........................
I’m going to continue to cry probably daily for a little while now. And continue to feel uncomfortable. But I hope as I enter this new year I will allow myself to relax more and explore myself more.
Because knowledge is important, but exploring is where you find yourself and where you live.
So I have to let myself live and try to not put so much pressure on myself.
Because it’s all going to be OK. Isn’t it?
