Finally Free

My Dearest Nick,

It's been 2 years. 2 YEARS since you were taken from us. I've come to accept that you were needed by a force greater than us, than me, but that doesn't prevent me from missing you every day. I miss your presence, your smile, your laugh, your eyes, every day.

2 years seems like such an immeasurable amount of time. It's so insignificant when you think of the billions and billions of years for which the universe has existed. But it is oh so significant for me. For everyone who knew you. But especially for me. 63,113,852 seconds. Over 60,000,000 seconds since I could last meet your eyes. And every second that passes without you here feels like an eternity. It feels like I should be able to reach out my hand and touch yours, that this time and this existence should not separate us. But it does. It so does.

I wish a lot of things were different, but I mostly wish you were still here. I've healed a lot over the past two years and come to a sense of peace I think you would appreciate and desire. Yet there's still a missing hole in my world, in my soul, forever gaping from your loss. But in a strange little twist, losing you has allowed me to see the beauty in life.

You knew that beauty for every second you were alive, Nick. You embodied that beauty. You breathed that beauty. You had such an amazing light about you, that you spread to every single person you met. Do you remember when you helped me in basketball practice? How you helped me to keep going, encouraged me, smiled at me? Who was I to you at that point? To most people, I was no one. Just a nerdy teenager with too many issues who rarely spoke. But I mattered to you. Everyone mattered to you. EVERYTHING mattered to you.

You took every opportunity and each day in life into your arms. Anything that would come, would come, for you. You had such a joy and love for life and people. Have you any idea how hard it is for most people to live like that? It came to you so naturally. I admired you. From afar, I admired you, while I still sat quietly in class and helped you with Chemistry.

I still admire you, Nick.

For I know you are still here. Somewhere in this terrible chaos and darkness of your loss, a beauty has emerged for me. I know there's another world out there, a much more beautiful one, where souls like yours thrive and the light shines always.

You stand beside me, still, every day. Maybe not physically, but you are there. I can feel your spirit guiding me. I felt you there at graduation, I can sense you smiling down at me and reaching out to cheer me up in those times when I'm down. When I breathe in the seawater, I breathe in your soul. When I look up at the stars, I see your light. You are everywhere around me, Nick. Here for us all, still, caring for all of us even as you drift in another world.

Oh, but I miss you so much. It's hard to grasp the immense concept of your "goneness" most days. It weighs on my chest and pushes me into that black hole I fell into for so long. I feel you deserve life so much more than I do, Nick, and I cannot understand even now why life was taken from you.

So I breathe. I breathe in, and I know you are there. Your soul is finally free. Wherever you are, it is beautiful. And you are there. And you are here. And you are forever with me, because I will never forget.

I love you Nick. I love you so much. I never told you that, and I don't know if you can hear me now, but I have to hold out hope that you can. Because I need you to hear it. I LOVE YOU. Forever and always, you are my star.

Goodbye is not forever. Goodbye is not today. Because you live on. In me, in your spirit, in a state of being so much more than this human body we all have. You live on.

Thank you. For showing me hope, and light, and beauty, and for never leaving us behind. I LOVE YOU.

"Like a shooting star across the sky,

You kissed the clouds and softly sighed,

'Goodnight.'

So I stare into the galaxy,

And trace the path that used to be your light.

I try to make the seconds last

Pretend the moment hasn't passed.

But wishing on a fallen star

Won't change the truth of where you are.

Still I miss you.

And I wish you:

Everything the heavens hold

I pray with all my mind.

And when you go to sleep tonight,

Your soul is finally free."

Word of the Day: heaven--a place, state, or experience of supreme bliss and freedom

Daily Inspirational quote/photo: "I want to believe the dead are not lost to us. I want to believe that they speak to us as something greater than us."

Rising

I have debated for about a month if I wanted to write a post on 9/11. There are so many people whose stories need to be told and heard more than my small little story does. I was so young when the events occurred and I don't think my family even knew anyone in New York or Washington. So of course my inclination is to sit quietly in the background and read everyone else's stories. Which is what I've been doing for a good portion of the day, and all of these stories pull on my heartstrings. Several made me cry. And many, many warmed my heart and rekindled my hope for our country.

The people who risked their lives to save the lives of others, the firefighters and policemen and the people working in those buildings, will forever be my heroes. And the beautiful stories of those who died that day in the attacks will forever be etched into my memory. I can't imagine what it must feel like for a father to lose a son, a daughter to lose a mother. These people have such strength. They are rising again, the beauty coming from this terrible tragedy.

But I do feel the need to express some of my feelings about that terrible day and how our country has grown since then.

However, first, please read this post. I am amazed by Maureen. Her story made me cry. 9/11

I was only 8, so I don't remember much about that day. But I remember walking into my elementary school early, and all of the teachers (or so it seemed) were gathered around the TV in the music room, which immediately registered with me as odd. But I walked into my classroom and sat down. I don't remember how my teacher told us, but I remember watching the television and the replays of the attacks (Colorado was 2 hours behind, so I never saw them in real time). They released us early from school, I think because we were such a big military family school, and I remember riding the bus back onto the Academy with the few people who also lived there. I remember my sister and I were a little freaked, wondering if they were somehow going to attack Colorado Springs since we have NORAD and all of the military installations. I remember being worried because my dad was in the Air Force and even at a young age, I could sense that something big had happened. I didn't quite comprehend the magnitude of it on that first day, but I slowly came to. I remember my elementary school doing remembrance ceremonies on September 11th for the years after, I remember the day my dad left for Iraq and the day he came back, and of course I clearly remember learning Osama bin Laden was dead.

But my story seems so small compared to everyone else's. I was just a kid.

What really touches me every time I think of 9/11 is how courageous and gracious everyone was in the minutes, hours, months, years after the attacks. People from every walk of life came to New York or Washington to help with clean-up and recovery efforts. Thousands of firefighters risked their health in their effort to find remains to give families some closure. Everyone reached out a helping hand to those who had lost someone. Rather than having our country fall apart following the tragedy, we became, in most ways, more united.

Of course, as Maureen said, in later years our government would ruin that gracious spirit in many ways, but the point is that the terrorists didn't really succeed. They didn't destroy America. We do live in fear still, a lot of the time, but we're also rising. We have hope. We are resilient. We can rebuild.

I am forever amazed by the people who have made it their life's goal to create memorials, risking their own life and spending far too many overtime hours at work just to get these new towers built in memoriam of those who died.

And, in my humble opinion, the memorial is beautiful. It expresses the unity of America. It demonstrates the beauty of all the lives lost and all of the grace that poured out of hearts. September 11th was a tragedy, but I believe in some ways WE can also look at it as a victory, a victory over those who wish to destroy us.

"This tower will be a symbol of hope rising from a scene of tragedy."

We are rebuilding. We are rising.

Word of the Day: elegiac--related to the mourning or remembering of the dead