It's been 2 years. 2 YEARS since you were taken from us. I've come to accept that you were needed by a force greater than us, than me, but that doesn't prevent me from missing you every day. I miss your presence, your smile, your laugh, your eyes, every day.
2 years seems like such an immeasurable amount of time. It's so insignificant when you think of the billions and billions of years for which the universe has existed. But it is oh so significant for me. For everyone who knew you. But especially for me. 63,113,852 seconds. Over 60,000,000 seconds since I could last meet your eyes. And every second that passes without you here feels like an eternity. It feels like I should be able to reach out my hand and touch yours, that this time and this existence should not separate us. But it does. It so does.
I wish a lot of things were different, but I mostly wish you were still here. I've healed a lot over the past two years and come to a sense of peace I think you would appreciate and desire. Yet there's still a missing hole in my world, in my soul, forever gaping from your loss. But in a strange little twist, losing you has allowed me to see the beauty in life.
You knew that beauty for every second you were alive, Nick. You embodied that beauty. You breathed that beauty. You had such an amazing light about you, that you spread to every single person you met. Do you remember when you helped me in basketball practice? How you helped me to keep going, encouraged me, smiled at me? Who was I to you at that point? To most people, I was no one. Just a nerdy teenager with too many issues who rarely spoke. But I mattered to you. Everyone mattered to you. EVERYTHING mattered to you.
You took every opportunity and each day in life into your arms. Anything that would come, would come, for you. You had such a joy and love for life and people. Have you any idea how hard it is for most people to live like that? It came to you so naturally. I admired you. From afar, I admired you, while I still sat quietly in class and helped you with Chemistry.
I still admire you, Nick.
For I know you are still here. Somewhere in this terrible chaos and darkness of your loss, a beauty has emerged for me. I know there's another world out there, a much more beautiful one, where souls like yours thrive and the light shines always.
You stand beside me, still, every day. Maybe not physically, but you are there. I can feel your spirit guiding me. I felt you there at graduation, I can sense you smiling down at me and reaching out to cheer me up in those times when I'm down. When I breathe in the seawater, I breathe in your soul. When I look up at the stars, I see your light. You are everywhere around me, Nick. Here for us all, still, caring for all of us even as you drift in another world.
Oh, but I miss you so much. It's hard to grasp the immense concept of your "goneness" most days. It weighs on my chest and pushes me into that black hole I fell into for so long. I feel you deserve life so much more than I do, Nick, and I cannot understand even now why life was taken from you.
So I breathe. I breathe in, and I know you are there. Your soul is finally free. Wherever you are, it is beautiful. And you are there. And you are here. And you are forever with me, because I will never forget.
I love you Nick. I love you so much. I never told you that, and I don't know if you can hear me now, but I have to hold out hope that you can. Because I need you to hear it. I LOVE YOU. Forever and always, you are my star.
Goodbye is not forever. Goodbye is not today. Because you live on. In me, in your spirit, in a state of being so much more than this human body we all have. You live on.
Thank you. For showing me hope, and light, and beauty, and for never leaving us behind. I LOVE YOU.
"Like a shooting star across the sky,
You kissed the clouds and softly sighed,
'Goodnight.'
So I stare into the galaxy,
And trace the path that used to be your light.
I try to make the seconds last
Pretend the moment hasn't passed.
But wishing on a fallen star
Won't change the truth of where you are.
Still I miss you.
And I wish you:
Everything the heavens hold
I pray with all my mind.
And when you go to sleep tonight,
Your soul is finally free."
Word of the Day: heaven--a place, state, or experience of supreme bliss and freedom
Daily Inspirational quote/photo: "I want to believe the dead are not lost to us. I want to believe that they speak to us as something greater than us."
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