For one thing, I was going to have to spend 10 days with my mom continuously, something I haven't done, really, since 2006 when we went on a cruise with her. I will say, right now, that those days were largely disastrous, and simply reminded me of why I cannot have her in my life, still, at the moment. Because while I respect her as a person and deep down in my heart do love her, she doesn't bring a good energy to my life. Throughout the whole 10 days, I had to take care of her. Which sounds ridiculous. A 19 year old taking care of her 48 year old mother. But you know what sounds even more ridiculous? A 12 year old taking care of her 41 year old mother. Yes, that did happen. By separating myself from her largely over the past year and a half, I'd forgotten how painful and stressful those times were. Luckily, by the end of the 10 days I realized I had to take care of myself first. I can't take care of her and also make sure I'm still taking care of myself during this rocky time of transition. Because while I do consider myself to be strongly in recovery, every day can still be at least a little rocky for those with an eating disorder. We must confront our fears, anxieties, and insecurities every single day. We do have to learn to take care of ourselves, because the rest of the world might not necessarily understand. And, ultimately, of course, the only person who can decide to recovery and to stay in recovery is us. So while I remained largely courteous to my 48 year old mother who acted more like a teenager than I did, I have to admit I sighed with relief when she left. I love her, and I know she's come far compared to where she was even 2 years ago, but I can't have the responsibility of taking care of her. Life moves on. And I have to care for myself as it does.
Anyway. So what other things were changing? Well, in the past 2 weeks I have officially moved into my first apartment, had to deal with budgeting for food and taking the time to cook for myself even amidst homework, work, etc. I'm not in a tight-knit community anymore, like I was last year in my dorm hall. I had to set up all of my furniture. Get used to living in an apartment and coordinate things such as shopping and cooking with roommates who I do consider my good friends. I have to try to figure out my job and attempt to find a second one. And I began classes, my second year of university taking almost all JUNIOR level classes. And, of course, on top of all of that, I do have to consider every day how I am going to find peace and strength to continue living my wonderful, happy life in recovery.
I'm not saying I don't enjoy those changes. I do very much find that I relish change and don't like when things stay the same for too long. It's exciting to live in an apartment and to cook for myself, even if I do miss the dorm community occasionally (I actually really do enjoy that, even if all I'm making is beans and rice. There's something so satisfying about eating food you made). It's nice to have my own furniture and to set up my room like I want it, not having to deal with upset and vindictive roommates. And the going to class part comes most naturally, even after 3 months away from schoolwork.
But sometimes, when I stop to think about it, I feel like life is moving too fast. I'm only 19. And I can't believe I'm saying that, because as a preteen I was always the one saying I wanted to "just grow up already." And I know I made the choice, by going to school in Hawai'i, of having a much different college/young adult life.
Yet... I still can't help but think, "I'm only 19. Things are changing too fast." Most people don't truly live in their first apartment until after school. Sure, a lot of people live in university owned apartments where they don't have to worry about bills and crying babies in the building behind them. And all of their furniture is provided. But I had to go through the whole process of signing a lease, getting it approved, buying ALL of our furniture, etc. I enjoy the apartment, but there are some things I feel like maybe I shouldn't have to worry about yet. My sister is living on campus all 4 years of college, and when she complains about housing or food, I can't help but (in my head) say that at least she has the dining hall still and has all of her furniture provided.
And, then there's classes. I knew that IB would allow me to skip a lot of college classes and move through my degree more quickly. And I LOVE that. Truly. My brain relishes the challenge and my heart knows it's the right thing to do. But sometimes I feel like I'm being left out, because all of the people in my dorm last year aren't in any classes with me because I did get the lovely opportunity to move so fast. I have more work to do and therefore less time. I don't know most of the people in my classes and my insecurities always come up, as I tell myself that since I'm younger than them, they don't want to talk to me or I shouldn't speak up in class. Which of course isn't true, and I hope by a few weeks into the semester those feelings will go away. But it just sucks.
Then again, when I truly stop to reflect, I wonder if what's really going on is that Ana is still trying her hardest to pull me back as the world shows me that it's time to move forward. It's okay. I am ready for this. I can do just fine on my own, and I'm going to be so happy again soon with my life. All of these things that are happening are GOOD things. They're happening quickly, but it's okay. I AM READY FOR THIS. I wouldn't be here otherwise. And when I really stop to think, I do realize this: I'm happy.
I'm happy.
For all my anxieties, fears, and little insecurities, I love the way I'm living right now. I miss my home, sure, but I'm creating a home and a life for myself, which is so important to me. I'm continuing to live out my dream, something I almost felt like I'd lost during my summer in Connecticut. I have great friends who do love me here (again, something I'd lost in Connecticut). And I feel powerful. Doing all of these things, perhaps too quickly, shows me and the world and, most importantly, Ana, how strong I am. I can do anything I want.
And so can you.
The sad truth is that relapses and slip-ups tend to happen when good things happen to us. We get a new job, go to a new school, begin a new relationship. We're happy, but then slowly the little insecurities begin to whisper in our ears. You don't deserve this. I can tell you, I lived my life believing that lie for a very painful 3 1/2 years. But no matter how guilty you may feel that you get something someone else doesn't, no matter how much you think someone else deserves your happiness more, it's just not true. You do deserve to be happy, just as everyone does. But Ana doesn't want you to think so.
That's why, during these times of transition and happiness, we need to be on the lookout more than ever for Ana's sneaky actions and evil words. And that's hard. I know a lot of us hold the hope that one day we won't have to worry anymore. But it's not that easy. The world is going to try to beat you down every day, and you can't let it. You can't beat yourself down when so many other people are trying to do the same. You have to be your number one cheerleader. You have to believe in yourself. Even if you are only 1 day, 1 month, 1 year into recovery, you have to continue to remind yourself every day of your strength. You do have to tell yourself "I deserve this," no matter how wrong it may sound.
Because Ana isn't right. You don't deserve her. Life is moving on, yes. Don't let it move on without you while you stay stuck in your fears. These are things I have to tell myself every day, even as I struggle. Every day, I still feel awkward and inferior in the light of other people. Many days, I struggle with body image. But I desire happiness and I want to help the world. How can I help the world if I can't help myself?
So. Even as I sit here, worried and anxious that I can't do all of this, I can't handle so many changes at once, I remind myself to breathe. Sometimes that's all I can do to get myself through a stressful time. Just breathe and remember how strong I am. I have come so far in the last 21 months. I have so much to offer the world. And if I fought my way out of the deep, dark black hole of my eating disorder, I can handle just about anything.
And you can do this too. Life moves on. Things change. You will change, and are changing every day. But you're also changing the world every day, and you can move along with the world at the same quick pace. You have the power to change your life to make it what you want. And, above all, you deserve to be happy.
Life moves on. But so do all of us. And that's not a bad thing. Every day, we grow stronger, and every day we learn new skills to go out and conquer the world.
So go. Be free. And spread your light. <3 nbsp="nbsp">
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