But. Not tonight! I have decided that since I did do a LOT of homework over the weekend, and since I happily discovered all my files on my flash drive were not lost (thank god), I can let myself sit down and write about how I've been feeling over the last month month or so. I mean, yeah, I probably am going to write a couple paragraphs, study a little, write a little, study a little, and repeat until this is finished and studying has progressed significantly. But I need to write. Yes, legitimately and literally need to.
Anyway. It's been a bit of a rough transition back to Hawai'i, I will openly admit. And by that, I mean that I think I discovered who my friends really are, and unfortunately it's not most of the people I hung out with last year. They don't seem to care enough, like me enough, think I'm "cool" enough to want to hang out with if it isn't convenient. My dear roommate still very much seems to enjoy hanging out with me, and I've maintained a few dorm friendships, but by and large I've been incredibly lonely. It's hard for me to make new friends now, especially when everyone in my classes already seems to have their groups of friends. And they aren't looking for new friends, at least not openly. I don't like the prospect of being the "new" girl who no one knows. I've been trying. I talk to people in my classes, I've started hanging out a little with people in my oceanography class, I played Quidditch at the end of September. I'm not completely alone.
And yet...I feel endlessly lonely. Why?
Because I don't have anyone I can talk to about the serious things anymore, it seems. Especially when you first meet someone, you don't try to talk to them about the things that really matter, like how they are feeling, what's going on in their life, what makes them cry or smile or laugh. But as I have said before, I crave that. I crave to ask the questions that matter. I want to look at the guy I hang out with on the boat and ask him how the ocean really makes him feel. I want to tell someone how sad I am. I want someone I can run around with at night, even if it's raining. I want to move away from the daily grind of weather, homework, and work.
I want something more.
But I don't know how to get there. I'll admit it, I'm scared of people not accepting me. I wish I could not care what other people think, but when I'm this lonely, I do. I want to be accepted and loved by people. And when so many "friends" have left me when they find cooler people to hang out with, I have a hard time trusting the idea that just being myself is enough. I feel like I have to change for other people. I don't want to, but I feel pressured. And so I'm not only lonely, but scared. And unable to live as the person I really am.
So I find myself missing home a lot. I miss my group of inspiring, heartfelt, and endlessly accepting young women. I miss my parents, who truly do love me no matter what happens. They know who I am, the good and the bad, and accept it all.
I haven't found my people here yet. And I'm afraid I won't. I wonder if this is the right college for me, but I'm too scared to leave.
Noticing a pattern? Yeah. I'm scared. Endless pattern in my life.
Recently, one of my dear friends, stuck in an abusive relationship, attempted suicide. I am so grateful she told me and reached out for help, but it reminded me of how fragile we all are. I have met so many beautiful people through eating disorder treatment, but each one of those people, including me, is just a touch more fragile than most other people I know. We feel deeply, love slowly, and hide our pain in the most invisible ways. I honestly don't know how I would react if I lost another friend, especially one so close. One who accepts me and loves me and knows me far better than anyone here in Hawai'i. But I don't think I would react well. I took me a year to come to a sense of peace about Nick's death, and I still miss him every single day. I'm scared, now more than ever, of losing another beautiful soul in my life. I love the stars, but I want the souls of my friends down here on earth for as long as possible.
This past Friday, I was walking through the grocery store, when a man spoke to me. He was just asking me a question about sharks, he was incredibly kind and sweet. And yet, I jumped. Have I become so used to being ignored by everyone around me that my body reacts with anxiety when someone decides to talk to me? This is a sad realization. I feel so lonely, I have become so used to the loneliness, that anxiety pops up even when a perfectly nice and sweet and well-meaning man wants to speak to me.
All in all, I just don't know what to do. I'm happy when I'm out on the ocean, but increasingly I am no longer able to do that. I'm happy when I'm laughing with friends, but that doesn't happen very often. I am happy with what I'm studying, but increasingly I am becoming overwhelmed and tired. I think, sometimes, I need a break from school. I need time to just explore. Explore the world, explore myself. Sleep under the stars away from everything, with people like me who crave to ask the questions that matter and thrive in the open.
I have come so far, and yet the fears, the doubts, and the loneliness still hold me back. I'm trying as hard as I can to be real, to be open, to love and dream and dance and breathe. But it's not always easy.
I need to find my people. I miss my people. I don't think I'm very good at being alone.
I want to ask the questions that matter, at night, floating in the sea under the stars.
Can I ever find that?
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "You make nothing alone. Human beings are not mere competitors, and human life is not merely competition. We are collaborators. To be human is to catch the falling person." -John Green
Word of the day: fantods--a state of nervous irritability; the fidgets; the willies
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