Thank you so much, everyone, for reading my writings this week. I really am going to try to write more, both to offer eating disorder support, and to reflect for myself.
Stay strong, and keep on believing. Never give up, because there is always hope.
12 April 2011
After a long 10 months of being prevented from running, my therapist finally agreed to allow me to be on my high school track team this season. I was scared, he was scared, my parents were terrified (perhaps a bit too much), but so far, over the past 6 ish weeks, things have gone amazingly well.
Somewhere along the way in treatment this past fall, I learned to recognize the power of my body, the power of my mind, and then connect the two of those. Erin, my dance therapist, allowed me to reach into that power of my body and just recognize it. Slowly, slowly, I began to realize if my body was strong enough to move me and survive all of the awful CRAP I put it through, there must be some reservoir of strength deep inside of me. If my body could delve into that reservoir and fight back, surely my mind could too. Surely, at some point, I could find the power of my mind to fight ED.
I'm not sure I've discovered that power yet. I'm scared every day that Ana will sneak back in without me knowing again. I still think she is so much more powerful and so much stronger than I am. She knows me, and I don't know her. At least not as well.
But over the past weeks of practice, long runs, hill workouts, and speed work, I've learned how to build up strength. I've seen it happen, slowly and steadily. I've felt the difference, as certain runs don't feel so tough anymore. I've endured shin splints and windy races, and I've...survived. Maybe not had the best of days, but I've survived past the tough spots, the pain, the emotional breakdowns.
With Ana, I still struggle enormously. I struggle especially with self-confidence, body image, and thinking I'm worth all of this. There's still that voice in my head telling me I don't deserve anything, that these other people around me deserve happiness so much more than I do. There's still a voice telling me I'm "fat," whatever that means. I'm still not happy a lot of the time, and sometimes I have to sit at the table and push through it until the meal is done.
But you know what? Maybe, just maybe, like in track, those struggles, the pain and emotional breakdowns are building up my strength. It's not as easy to see, since I can't feel the muscles growing stronger or see the faster time or not feel as tired or whatever sign of improvement is clearly visible. But maybe...maybe we need to have those tough days. I think we do.
Today I went on a four mile run by myself, since the rest of the team was at a meet. And I RAN all of it. For some people, that's probably not a big deal, but I tend to lose motivation when I'm alone or start out at too fast a pace and have to stop. But today I felt amazing. I felt like I could just keep going and going. On the other hand, last Friday felt ridiculously tough, even though, objectively, it was probably an easier run.
So, here's my (rather obvious) revelation: Some days I'm going to feel amazing, right on the path of recovery. And some days I'm going to struggle, wanting to curl into a ball and disappear from the eyes of the world. But both days will be there.
Recovery is a tough road. I don't think I'll ever stop struggling with body image or my own self-worth. Whether a day is good or bad doesn't matter as much, though. What matters is how we build up our strength. How we push back against Ana, against ED, and slowly form our reserves of power. Most days, I just want to punch Ana in the face (assuming Ana was, you know, an actual person...) I truly hope some day, metaphorically, I can do that. WHAM. ;D
I think what I'm doing right now is trying to chase down happiness. And I don't think that can be done. In a race, you can't chase the finish line. You have to know it's there, but mostly you have to focus on your pace, the people around you, and how strong you are feeling. The finish line is there, waiting for you. If you run, it will come. I think happiness is the same way. Maybe I just have to trust that it exists. And that maybe it exists in a form different from what I'm expecting. Maybe happiness just means getting through it, building strength, and having more good than bad days. Recovery doesn't mean total happiness. I'm still working to accept that, but I know it's true.
Stop chasing happiness or peace. Just keep running. Keep moving and pushing and breathing and living. Don't search for happiness. One day, while you are asleep, happiness will come. And it will be beautiful.
Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder." ~Henry David Thoreau
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