So, following my election excitement and adrenaline rush, I basically fell back into that same lonely feeling I posted about...roughly a month ago now. I keep kicking myself mentally, because everyone around me says it should be so easy to make friends. A lot of adults I talk to say that I should just go up to someone, invite them for coffee or dinner or just start talking.
To which I respond by running away and saying Whooooooooooooaaaaaaa.
Okay, not literally. But you get the idea.
It honestly is not that easy for me to make friends. So big is my anxiety at meeting new people that I avoid going to new things by myself, even things I think I might enjoy, like NaNoWriMo meetups or club meetings.
I actually had this huge post I meant to post after Halloween, but the basic message behind that story is that: I AM A HUGE INTROVERT. I'm not shy, I don't think those are the same thing. I actually really love talking to people and being around people and listening to them. Btu I get very easily overstimulated by outside forces, hence why I get uncomfortable at parties. Or the awful place that was Waikiki on Halloween night. And couple my introversion with my anxiety? Bad, bad combination.
The thing is, though, that I am perfectly capable of being happy in a crowd. I have to remind myself of that. It depends on what mood I am in, how much I want to be at that place, etc. When I'm happy and comfortable with myself, I can usually do just fine in a crowd, telling myself I'm okay. But lately, due to the fact that the majority of my friends from last year abandoned our friendship, I have become increasingly uncomfortable with myself. The voice in my head keeps whispering "You're not good enough for them," and I cannot help but believe that voice. I'm uncomfortable being myself around new people, since clearly that did not make people want to be friends with me beyond the walls of the dorms. So, rather than putting myself out there, or trying to be something different, I have increasingly found myself secluded in my apartment, reading and writing and doing homework. And, occasionally, breaking into a crazy dance party. ;)
Anyway. That was a larger build up than I meant to write.
Last weekend was a long weekend, and it was weird, because I actually didn't have anything big due this past week. Yes, I had to work, and yes I had to go to an AA meeting. I got ahead on some parts of lab reports, looking up study abroad info, etc. But mostly...I spent my time reading Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows and listening to old PotterCasts.
Man, I mean, it was almost automatic. My whole life, Harry Potter has led me through dark and sad times, ever since I was a little scared seven year old who'd just moved to a new state. Harry Potter led me through my parent's divorce, through my eating disorder, through incredible losses in my life. No matter what else, was going on in my life, Harry and his friends were always there beside me, ready to accept me and allow me a place on their adventure.
So, again, as I found myself in this lonely place, it was almost automatic that I fell back in. I picked up that book last Sunday, feeling as if it had been calling to me. And somewhere along the way I found my way back to Pottercast, listening to the old shows from 2007 and reminiscing in the beauty of the Harry Potter fandom. Throughout this week, rather than using the internet when I needed a break from homework, I just dug my nose into that book, crying and laughing and hoping all over again. I mean, this is probably like...the 8th time I've read Deathly Hallows or something, but I still found it just as beautiful and welcoming as always.
Out here in Hawaii, I've unfortunately fallen out of the fandom life in a way. I don't have the money any more to attend the conferences, and no wizard rockers come play concerts here. So, I'd kind of forgotten how beautiful and lovely the fandom is for me.
I wrote this lovely post about 15 months ago now, and I still very much believe in every word I wrote back then.
Hogwarts is a real place. It's a real feeling, at least: a feeling of being welcomed and loved and accepted regardless of everything. A place where hugs are constant, squees can be heard all around, and no one makes fun of how you can't really dance. Magic is still very, very real in our world: friendship, love, starlight, music, books written on a page carrying a story across generations....
It just really struck me. I was reminded of the fact that I DO have people who love me and care about me. I have people who accepted me and still talk to me, despite our distances. I was a very shy 15-year-old when I first attended Terminus in 2008, but I immediately had people who wanted to talk to me. They were overjoyed to talk to me, attend my presentation, share our nerdy opinions, dance to wizard rock like crazy. Even "famous" people, like the wizard rockers, Melissa Anelli, etc, were always excited to talk to us normal folk. ;)
I miss that a lot. I really do. But it gives me hope. I have found my people before in the past, people who love me. People who want to laugh with me but who are also incredibly supportive, nonjudgmental, and willing to listen and cry as well. Because we are all so similar in temperament and passionate hearts, and we know how it feels to be left out or bullied.
It's funny, because the years I spent the Harry Potter fandom were the same years I spent suffering from my eating disorder. 2007-2011. I attended LeakyCon just 3 months after first being discharged, and I attended Wrockstock IV while I was still in the hospital, getting treatment. But those times are still some of the happiest times I can remember in my life. Despite everything, here was a place I was loved and accepted: Hogwarts. It was real, not just a place that existed in my imagination.
I still find so much joy and love in the Harry Potter books. I wish i could play a more active part in the Harry Potter fandom still today. But even though I cannot, I will never forget my conferences and wrock concerts. I will always carry with me that love and hope and joy. I am forever grateful for everything I gained from my friends in the fandom, and from my "friends" in the Harry Potter books. I learned so much about love and loss and courage and trust from those books and my experiences in the fandom.
What Jo said in 2011 is true. Hogwarts is always there to welcome me (us) home. In my time of loneliness and sadness, feeling forlorn and hopeless at the prospect of ever finding "my people" again, Harry beckoned me back in, to go on an adventure.
I will be forever grateful to Jo. Quite literally, she changed my life and allowed me a place where I found confidence and love for myself.
I hope I can continue to hold on to that. I hope someday soon I become comfortable with the person I really am, and start to express that self to the outside world again.
That being said, I am still forever grateful to the friends who have not let go, who continue to love me for the person I am, after many years. You know who you are (if you are reading this, you may be one of those people. Hint.)
I'm going to continue searching and loving and spreading my heart far and wide. I may be afraid of a lot of things, but I desperately want to live and love and make a difference in this world. I need to remind myself mistakes are okay, and that who I am absolutely is enough. It may not be enough for the people I currently share my time with, but eventually, I'll find my people again. I'll find my people who prefer sharing nerdy jokes and going hiking and swimming in the ocean, laughing and reading and dancing like crazy to the best music. I'll find my people who accept that I'm the quiet, introspective girl who loves to listen and wants to share her story with those she trusts.
I will, won't I?
I certainly hope so.
Until then, I always have Harry. A home. A home beyond everything else in this world of ours.
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you." ~ Carl Jung (I may have used this quote before. Forgive me if I have)
Word of the day: concupiscible--worthy of being desired
Days until Colorado: 33
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