NEDAwareness Week Day 7: On Recovery

Recovery from any sort of illness or injury is an incredible challenge. Recovery means we are losing something. Of course, if you are recovering from cancer or surgery, generally it is easy to accept that loss as a good thing.

It becomes a lot harder when recovering from an eating disorder, because while it is trying to kill us, it has also helped us travel the world and live for a little while. It's our coping mechanism, our security blanket, and we think we cannot live without it.

But we can, and we must, if we want to live.

There's no way to live with an eating disorder. Some patients will deny that, saying that they are living, are having fun, have a job, friends, family, etc. Generally, that is true. Unless and until one reaches a state of extreme starvation or purging, a sufferer likely won't lose all of those important things. But, the sufferer is not living. He or she is merely existing, a sad soul trapped inside a fragile bone cage, wandering the earth as a sort of ghost, continually fixated on food, exercise, and their own body image.

In addition to all of that, the person is slowly dying, for all of the reasons I mentioned on Thursday describing how our bodies deteriorate and die a piece at a time.

That being said, it is incredibly difficult to let go of an eating disorder. We accepted them as a friend. And while we may or may not recognize that that friend is trying to kill us, we don't want to let go of her. She is powerful, and by extension, we feel powerful. Of course, the reality is that she is sapping our power, our life, in order to live, like some kind of warped parasite. Generally, though, we don't see that. Or want to accept it.

"Acceptance is the first step to understanding, and only with understanding can there be recovery." -JK Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

We have to accept that though. We have to accept a list of things before recovery is possible:

1. We have a problem. This sounds obvious, but it takes time and work. Some patients do refuse to believe they  have an eating disorder at all, but even those who do generally don't see it as a huge problem. They think it is necessary, helping them, etc. So we have to accept that we have a problem before we can move on and truly recover.
2. We are going to have to lose our coping mechanism. This was hard for me to accept, because I had dealt with so much loss already. But it is true. Give a sufferer time to grieve this loss, time to build up other coping mechanisms. Offer support, and love, and tools. Don't just rip it away with no time for closure.
3. We are powerful without this disease.
4. We want to live, and what we are doing is not allowing us to do that, at least not fully.
5. Recovering from this disease is  not going to bring us ultimate happiness, but staying with it certainly will not.

Unfortunately, the truth of the matter is that recovery does not always feel amazing. At the beginning of recovery, especially, recovery feels like shit. Because our eating disorder is so strong in our head, we don't feel like we are doing something good. Rather, we believe we are failing, because that voice tells us so. 

Every day becomes an internal fight, trying to ignore that voice and start using our own. A single meal or snack becomes a battlefield, one where we have to use our new-found tools to fight and defeat this "friend" turned enemy. And, unfortunately, unless one has access to adequate treatment, this fight becomes silent and private.

This is why support is so imperative in recovery. From parents, therapists, friends if possible.

I also want to stress that support is important not just during the weight-restoration phase. While the anxiety may be highest here, hinting to family members that support is needed, that anxiety does not go away simply because one reaches their target weight or no longer appears to be using purging behaviors. The self-criticism becomes stronger. The anxiety skyrockets. We are being told from the outside that we are doing a good job, while the strong eating disorder voice tells us otherwise. 

So continue your support. Recognize that this disease does not go away easily. It will put up a fight, and you need to be there to help your loved one put up an even stronger fight. No one can give in.

This, of course, does not make the idea of recovery appealing to many eating disorder patients. Who wants to face that sort of fight every day? We want to be told that once we are in recovery, we will feel happy and successful and free. Certainly, that's what I expected on some level after my first time in treatment, and I think that's part of what pushed me to relapse: If I couldn't be happy when I was healthy, I might as well have my eating disorder while I was sad.  

So that last bullet point is the most important one to accept: Recovery does not mean happiness. It will not fix our problems. Life is still hard. We will feel sad and anxious and upset. You cannot control what goes on around you, but you can control how you react. 

If you feel sad, feel sad. Don't try to tell yourself you should be happy or let others tell you the same. (Actually, in the words of Gary, never let anyone, including yourself, "should" on you).

I'll admit: I'm not happy all of the time. I feel lonely and sad and anxious even now, 2 years into recovery. Part of that is my natural propensity for anxiety (I've been diagnosed at one point with GAD), and part of it is just that life happens. No one can be happy all the time, regardless of how they appear on the outside.

But the truth is, my worst days in recovery are 100 times better than my best days in relapse. Even when I thought I was happy then, going to concerts or out with friends, I was continually consumed by my eating disorder: thoughts of food and exercise, wondering what others were thinking of me, wondering how I looked, wondering (at times) if I was dying. Now, even when I'm sad or lonely, I am me. My thoughts are my own. I am strong and powerful. I have my whole life ahead of me. It doesn't matter what or when I eat, or if I exercise, or how much. 

I am not defined by the food I eat, the weight on the scale, or the size of my pants. None of those can bring me happiness. 

What can? Living. Dancing. Crying when I need to. Going out with friends. Connecting with my family. Etc.

One of the most important revelations I had early in my recovery time, when I was struggling a lot, was that losing five pounds was not going to make me any happier. It wasn't going to bring me more friends or make my stress seem okay. It had been proven in the past, in fact, that losing that five pounds never made anything any better, and generally lead to a downward spiral, as no weight was "good enough" for my eating disorder.

Realize that. Realize you are defined by so much more than your weight or body image.

Recovery is tough. And you have to accept that, or else you are almost one hundred percent doomed to failure. I hate having to tell my friends this, because it doesn't make recovery seem like something anyone would want to do. But we have to. We have to build up our armies, put on our armor, and go out and fight, every single day (for the rest of our lives) against this terrible enemy. 

Some tips for recovery:

1. Find your reasons to recover. Ideally, this would not include "doing it to make your parents worry less," as I have generally found that doesn't work. You have to find a reason why you are doing it for yourself, not anyone else. This website has some great reasons, though I encourage you to find your own: 100 reasons to recover
2. Build up a support system. Don't push people away. You need them.
3. But, make sure that support system is well-educated on eating disorders. 
4. Find new coping mechanisms. Triggers are common in this world, unfortunately, and we will often feel the urge to resort to behaviors when we are sad, angry, lonely, etc. Find other things that work: draw a picture. Go for a walk. Talk to your parents. Listen to music. Dance in your room. Do yoga. Find things that work for you, and keep that list handy.
5. Try not to focus on the food. This is tough, incredibly so. But maybe at least focus on the scientific basis of what a calorie is (a unit of heat energy) and why we need them. Remind yourself of how much activity you do every day. This is what food allows you to do.
6. Don't stop therapy, etc, until you feel you are ready. And never stop talking to your friends, parents, etc, when you feel down. Don't crawl back into your own little bubble. Your family may not be able to reach you there, but you can bet your eating disorder will find a way to wiggle in through the smallest crack.
7. Stay vigilant. Don't let your eating disorder back in. Watch out for behaviors and thoughts.
8. But, that being said, don't limit yourself. Exercise, within limits, to keep your body moving and awake and strong. Eat when you want to, what you want to, as long as you are not restricting. Go out with friends, or don't, as you desire. Let your own thoughts and desires rule what you do, not your fears.

Thank you so much, everyone, for reading this blog this past week. I hope I have helped to spread awareness. As always, please, please contact a therapist or treatment center if you think you or a loved one may have a problem. 

And don't stop spreading awareness. Talk to people, donate money, rebel against the media's stereotypes. Keep fighting.We are strong.

We are strong because we survived. No pity, no shame, no silence.