Well, it is now December. And as December hits I am met with an almost overwhelming mix of emotions and thoughts:
-Overwhelming and intense grief, as yet another birthday passes without his body here. I celebrate, I dance, I laugh, and of course I allow myself to cry. I spent too long denying myself the grieving process, and now that it has come, I am not going to push it away again. Laughter and tears mix and join often, as it should be.
-A sense of adrenaline mixed with sadness and confusion, as I finish my second novel, and the first one I think may actually be worth something.
-Fear, as I continue to question what I really want to be doing with my life.
-Anticipation. Home approaches.
-Loneliness, as I continue to be plagued by thoughts of not belonging and wanting to belong and not knowing how to live as the full person I know I am.
November, truly, passed surprisingly quickly. I didn't think it would, as I have been aching for a long time now to go home and the semester felt as though it was dragging on sometimes.
But then, yesterday...December 1st. A date forever ingrained in my memory and heart, a day of grief and celebration. Mix that with the fact that I finished writing my novel on the early morning of November 30th, and my heart was kind of a mess yesterday....
Let me tell you this: anyone who says writing isn't a real job, that writing doesn't require work or make you tired, is absolutely wrong.
I'm not going to pretend my novel is some grand production. Yes, I believe some of the words are good. The ideas are fair. The emotions are very real. But, a lot will need to change. I truly hope I can get myself to revise this book and maybe look into getting it published one day (far down the road). Or, at least, hopefully I can share the words and the story with those close to me, for once letting my heart into the world at large.
I will say, though, that I poured my heart into that novel. I didn't even realize it as it was happening. Because, yes, some days writing felt like a chore on top of homework and dealing with overwhelming anxiety (yeah, my life is sad). Some days I wanted to give up, or doubted my story. But I kept going. I plugged on, inserting pieces of myself into the heart of that story.
And when, at about 02:00 on November 30th, when I submitted my novel, I was legitimately surprised at how drained I felt. I actually started crying. Which sounds ridiculous to me, and I'm not sure I understand 100% why. But i do know the novel required a lot of me. It required a lot of thought and honesty. The words of the main character are very much the thoughts that exist in the deep places of my brain. Truly, those words are a beautiful, slightly messy extension of me and my life.
Thus, a sense of exhilaration and sadness at finishing such a big part of my life. And thus, the tears at 02:00.
Hopefully, though, this is not the end. I do want to try my best to revise this story and make it true and real and better. And, maybe I'll do NaNo again next year. It's exhausting and emotionally draining, but in the end, nothing is more rewarding than putting ideas into words composed only of letters and emotion.
And then...there's those last three things.
Fear. Anticipation. And loneliness.
I know I worry too much. I know I suffer from anxiety, which is sometimes crippling and leads to embarrassing situations when I start crying when I cannot figure something out in lab. I know, though, that I have also come so far. From where I was two years ago. I have a lot more hope now. I am able to remember the good things when everything seems to be going wrong. And I have faith things will work out.
Sometimes, though, I will admit: I'm impatient. I see all these people around me with great opportunities, hoards of friends, fantastic ideas...and meanwhile, I sit here, the introverted college student who studies and writes and dreams, but has yet to fully find her way into the world.
I think...I think maybe I need to take more risks.
I've been thinking a lot recently about whether or not I will go to Australia. I've realized my reasons not to go all involve fear.
I'm afraid I'll be wasting money. I'm afraid I won't have anywhere to live. I'm afraid I won't find friends there either, and then also won't be able to find friends when I get back to Hawai'i.
All of those are at least somewhat valid fears. But I realized I'm not focusing on my desires. I'm not listening to my heart enough. I need to.
The bottom line? I want to go to Australia. Deep in my heart, I believe it will be good for me. Like the girl in my story, my true passion is travelling, seeing the world, and letting myself develop and grow in a multitude of places. I want to see the people I can meet and the opportunities I can grasp. I want to, for once just f***ing take that risk, live big and wide and true. The money is an issue, yes, but it's not so expensive that it is out of my grasp, especially if I can find other grants. Yes, the living situation is a HUGE issue, one that will stress me out greatly in May, for sure.
But maybe, like my dad said, I should just take the risk. And trust that everything will work out.
And if it doesn't? Well, it's not the end of the world. If I don't allow myself to make mistakes or take risks, I'll never grow.
Maybe I'm scared because Connecticut wasn't so great this summer. It was a big risk, and I didn't enjoy it much. But really, I learned a lot this summer. Not the things I was expecting to learn, but a lot nonetheless. Again, yes, I could've made more money back at home and stayed closer to friends. But, as awful as I felt sometimes, as lonely as I felt, it was a great experience. In the grand scheme of things.
Besides, if I don't at least try to change and take risks, I really cannot expect anything to change, can I? I am lonely. I am having a hard time reaching out in Hawai'i, because this living situation sucks and I'm scared and I'm tired and I feel like people don't accept me or want to know me.
So maybe it's time to leave. Take a risk, offer myself to a new place and see...what happens? That's all I can do. The worst that can happen is I lose a little money and don't gain any new friends.
And the best that could happen? New experiences in a new ocean. New friends. Education. Journeys and adventures. Future work opportunities. Studying in a beautiful place. Learning about myself. Loving myself. Finding people who love and accept me. Discovering and molding into a new culture.
The list goes on. :)
I am afraid. I am lonely.
But most importantly, I know I'm not currently living as my true self, and that pains me more than anything.
So maybe it's time for a change.
A deep breath, a pause on the edge of the cliff with my arms spread wide.
Close my eyes. Trust my heart. Keep the starlight with me.
And jump off into the abyss.
Fall, rise, fall, rise, and maybe eventually I'll find myself free, flying, loving, living. As the real person I know I absolutely am.
Word of the day: erlebnesse--The experiences, positive or negative, that we feel most deeply, and through which we truly live; not merely experiences, but Experiences
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "The interesting thing about grief, I think, is that it has its own size. it is not the size of you. It is its own size. And grief comes to you. You know what I mean? I've always liked that phrase, "He was visited by grief," because that's really what it is. Grief is its own thing. It's not like it's in me and I'm going to deal with it. It's a thing, and you have to be okay with its presence. If you try to ignore it, it will be like a wolf at your door." -Stephen Colbert
Days until home: 17ish
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