My dearest Nick,
Today would be your 20th birthday. Can you believe how far all of us have come? Happy birthday, my love.
Time truly does pass too quickly. It's hard to believe it's been three years now. Three long years.
Today is both an infinitely wonderful day, a day of celebration and joy and wonder, and a day to grieve. I do not necessarily believe anymore that the two things should be separate. Grief takes its own shape, visits and passes in its own time. Life moves on around grief, and thus, celebration will always coexist with grief, love with hate, wonder with sadness.....
I can't help but wonder where you would be today, Nick. Playing soccer in college? Coming up with crazy pranks to brighten someone's day? Spreading your smile and light and spirit around a new place?
Yes, probably all of the above.
But the amazing thing is, even from so far away, even living as you do up on that deep painting sparkled with light, you are doing that last thing. You continue to spread your light and spirit around the world. I miss you and feel you and think of you in places your body never walked, but where your spirit now flies freely. You are travelling the world with us Nick, and you are travelling the universe on your own. I hope I can join you there one day.
Though I continue the grief process every day, though I miss you every day, I try to focus as much as possible on the positive.
You lived so much, my dear. So, so much. In your 16 short years, you touched the hearts and minds of more people than you could possibly imagine. With your gentle smile and easygoing, welcoming spirit, you attracted people to you with your electric field. And people didn't let go. I know I didn't.
Though we didn't interact on a face-to-face level once I continued with IB and you did not, I want you to know...I held on to your electric field. I held on to the memories of your friendship and love and laughter. I always knew where you were in the hallways, and your smile could brighten even the toughest of days for me. Here was this boy, this young man, who was so carefree and happy, who really understood what it meant to live. I tried to absorb as much of that spirit as I could. And always, I will remember you. I will remember your jokes in class, how I would carefully help you through tough concepts in classes, how much fun you and Michael made French class...
You continue to be one of the most amazing people I have ever had the privilege to share this life with. And I am so grateful for that.
Mostly, that's what today is for me: a day of grace and love and celebration. For while your physical body is gone, while I will never see you grow up, or see your smile cross your face again, I know this: You are not gone. Energy cannot be created, and energy cannot be destroyed. You are invincible. We all are invincible. Our energy merely manifests in a different form and continues to travel the universe as bright, bright starlight, burning fires to create new elements and opportunities for light.
I don't know if I've done the best these past months to live, but I try. I try, and I remember your faith and love for everyone you encountered. You were not perfect, but you did not expect to be. Nor did you expect those around you to be. But you persevered, kept pushing, triumphed, failed, got up again, collaborated with people, made teams, made memories, shared tears and laughs...All the while, keeping that optimistic and contagious smile on your face.
So, that's what I try to do. I keep your spirit close to my heart, and to me you are not truly dead. I miss you, and I cry at night still, but I know I will forever carry a piece of you with me. Because of that, this piece of you will never leave this world. Not really.
Thank you. So much. For being a part of my life, both physically and, now, spiritually. You taught me so much and continue to teach me so much. Every day, when I look down at my arm, I think of you and smile. You are free, you are loved, and you are beautiful. Forever and always. Goodbye is not forever. I look forward to the day when our energies cross paths again, in whatever manifestation that may occur.
For now, know I celebrate you every day. I cry for you and laugh for you, and with you.
And still, I love you. I love you I love you I love you. Always.
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