Running Rhythm

Short blog post today. Because...well. Just because. Ha, I probably really did have time to write a much longer post, since I sat down at my computer at 10:00 to do a bit of homework and write this post. But it's now almost midnight. I have only finished a little bit of said homework and not written this post yet. In my defense, I got distracted downstairs in my friend's room where we were looking at apartments to live in next year. So, yes. Important, something we needed to do TOGETHER. Both of us had been looking on our own, but we really need to start making some decisions now as there are 3 weeks left in the semester before I leave Hawai'i. Yeah.

Plus, the few homework things weren't things I absolutely needed to finish by this evening. Type up my essay revisions, type up my lab revisions, write a summary for the Honors program (ugh), and figure out my topic for my Communications paper. Yeah.

At this point, the only homework I have left are 2 big papers, 1 big lab report, 1 math test, and then 6 finals. Which doesn't sound like a lot, but actually kind of is. And it's annoying, because now I can't use my little homework as a way of avoiding my papers. Now I just have to sit down and start writing them. Also, I really need to figure out my topic for my Communications paper. That I should try to do tomorrow morning or afternoon. Then I can really get started on everything and just power through.

(Also, it's annoying because I can't technically bring my computer to work. So even when I have downtime at work now, I can't work on my papers. Instead I just sit there for hours mentally panicking about all of the work I have to do when I get back to my room. Not a fun experience. That's a lot of how I spent my 8 hours at work today...)

ANYWAY. God. Not an interesting post so far.

Today after work I went for one of my runs. I run about 3 times a week. I would like to do more, but since I work late on Wednesdays and sometimes Mondays without really getting dinner, it's not a good idea. And I can never bring myself to run on Fridays or Saturdays because we're always kind of hanging out those nights. :) Plus, with my ankle and shin issues, it's probably best for me to not run every day. 3 days/week is enough to stay in shape, at least. And it's enough to give me time to think and just breathe.

I love running because it truly allows me to get in contact with my spirits and energies. When I'm having a bad day, I often don't realize how much negative energy is brewing in my heart. Until I start running. Then I can feel it in each step, in the labored breathing, in my desire to stop and sometimes in my desire to start crying as I run. In contrast, when I start running on a good day, I can feel the power of my muscles, the joy in my heart, and the rhythm in my breathing. It truly allows me to get in touch with myself, to take 30 or 40 minutes out of my day to truly relax and get into a rhythm.

I'm excited to run a 5k with my stepmom for her birthday in roughly a month. :D I miss track, in a lot of ways.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeee..............

Those are my musings for today. Yep.

Okay. I should go to bed soon since I have to wake up at 7:00 and it is now 12:42. However, I should first write an outline for my marine bio paper and at least type up the current revisions I have for my writing essay before looking at it in better detail tomorrow. Yep. And then read a little before

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

;D

Probably won't be very interesting tomorrow either. Depends on whether or not my boss asks me to work for another worker, really....

Cheers!

Inspirational quote/photo of the day:

Word of the day: deliciate--to delight oneself

To the Stars who Died for Me

I always mean to update this more than I do. I'll be sitting in class or on the shuttle having thoughts that I want to write down, but I never remember by the time I'm at my computer. The day passes, I go to class and work, maybe pass time with friends, do homework. And by the end of the day, all I want to do is crawl into bed with a book and steal a precious 15 minutes of reading before sleeping and beginning the day again. So writing and art have both fallen by the wayside. Which is kind of sad, actually. Both of those outlets have helped me so much in the past. And I do, nowadays, find myself thinking too much, getting too upset or anxious sometimes because I just can't process everything. It does help to write. It always does. And yet I never seem to anymore. I wish I did. It's so important to me.

I really am going to try to fix that. In two ways. First of all, it's April. Which, 3 years ago at least, meant BEDA. I know I haven't done BEDA actually in April since 2009, but I still have such wonderful memories of that month that year, the wonderful friends from all across the world that I made. I have to thank Maureen Johnson for that. Since then, I've moved BEDA (for myself) to August because it just made the most sense. But I need to stop using homework or work as an excuse to not write. I mean, goodness, I don't even have to write super long posts everyday, just small things. Why do I tell myself blogging/writing will take so much longer than it actually ever does? *sigh*

Anyway. So, since it's April, even though there's only a week of April left, I'm starting BEDA. And I will carry BEDA into May. Blog Every Day in April and for Three Weeks in May (BEDATWM). I guess. Yeah. Just to get myself going again.

And after that? I just need to remind myself to take the time to write when I need to. Not every day, certainly, but when I really need to. When I want to share something. When I want to write something down to remember later. That's the main reason I write, really. For myself. I love going back and looking at my writing, even though it often makes me cry. Other times it makes me laugh. And I do appreciate Tumblr for that, since June. I can use that now as a smaller record of my changes over time.

So. BEDATWM. And then just keep writing. Don't stop for once. Trust that writing is how I put my words out into the world, and let my mind and soul breathe a little.

Okay.

Onto the thoughts I wanted to put out into the ocean of consciousness tonight. (This morning? It's 00:45....)

As I said above, I love Tumblr. It's a good distraction, tool, yes. But I love the funny pictures and quotes, the inspirational tidbits, and the beautiful pictures of marine life. It's my escape, really, more than Facebook, when I need a short break from homework. Mostly it's just fun. But every so often I find a true gem hiding among the vast field that is my dashboard. Like this quote I found today:

"Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And, the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics. You are all stardust. You couldn't be here if stars hadn't exploded, because the elements--the carbon, nitrogen, iron, all the things that matter for evolution and for life--weren't created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of the stars, and the only way for them to get into your body is if those stars were kind enough to die. So, forget God. The stars died so that you could be here today." -Lawrence M. Krauss

Immediately when I read that, my heart filled with warmth. For me, that is exactly how I experience life and love and spirituality. I live because of the starlight. I live because all of us are made of stars, and all of us return to stars. Our souls reside in stars, I truly believe now, thanks to Fox Mulder. Our souls are born from the stars and our souls return to the stars when our physical bodies collapse. That light, our light, shines on forever.

I don't pray to God. I don't pray to Jesus. I don't practice Buddhism. I don't even sing to the earth gods and goddesses any longer.

Instead, I dance under the stars, eyes looking upward, breathing in, and praying to that light up above. I offer myself to that light, that energy, those fires burning so many light years away. Many of those stars have died by the time that light reaches me. Some of those stars, the very stars I am looking at, may have died for me. But since it takes so long for light to travel, I can still see their light today. Reminding me of where I came from, of the fires that birthed my soul and mind and life.

It's so easy to get caught up in the smaller problems of life. Where do I live, how do I find money, do I really have friends, how do I deal with these people who don't allow me to live as myself? Those are all important issues in the moment, because they certainly affect how we, how I, live and love and thrive. It's important to acknowledge those problems and push through them. Breathe, and trust in the stars. Trust that, in our beautiful universe, everything happens for a reason. Those stars know what they are doing. Out of destruction, out of fire, beauty is created.

While I think it is important to acknowledge the small problems and work through them (breathe through them), I think it's more important to remember how absolutely beautiful life is. Our world, our planet of blue and green and white swirls, is amazing. And truly, the probability of life is so small anywhere in our universe that it is a miracle that we are alive. It is a miracle, truly, that the stars died, burned a terrible and long fire, so I could live today.

Breathe that in. And consider this: "Ralph Waldo Emerson once asked what we would do if the stars only came out once every thousand years. No one would sleep that night, of course. The world would become religious overnight. We would be ecstatic, delirious, made rapturous by the glory of god. Instead the stars come out every night, and we watch television." -Paul Hawken

The stars should always be cause for spiritual rapture and glorious celebration. Our lives should always be cause for delirious happiness and far reaching love.

I think a lot about my future. I wonder what will happen next year, and the year after that. I wonder what I will do after college, if I will get the job and life that truly makes me happy. I hope everything will turn out as I want it to: happy and loving. And I wonder why I cannot find a boyfriend, why some things never seem to work out. Of course, I spend perhaps too much time thinking about people whose lives were cut short. Didn't those people deserve to live more than I do? No. But they deserve to live just as much as I do. In my heart, I know they still live on. In me, in the wind, in the stars. But it still hurts. And I still fear that happening to me, even with all the faith I have in our universe and even considering my worship of the stars.

So as I think, imagining the future, fearing the future, doubting my past and myself, I also remind myself of my beautiful life. I have to tell myself that as long as I keep living the life I am living today, things will work out. I need to keep dreaming, keep loving, keep laughing, keep dancing, keep opening my arms and heart to the beautiful sky filled with faraway burning fires. I am okay as I am. I am living the life I was meant to live. That doesn't mean things won't change or can't change, but today, right at this early moment, I am okay. It's okay to not be okay, but it's okay to be okay as well. Everything will work out. The universe knows. We know, too, for deep in our hearts we still hold that stardust, spreading light everywhere we step.

You are important. I am important. The stars died so we could live. How could anyone not know their own beauty after considering that fact? Beauty lies everywhere around us, but it also lives within us. Within you and me.

Let the music play around you. Run in the rain. Allow yourself to just dance on your front lawn. Laugh in the ocean. Smile at a stranger. Smell the flowers. Hug your friends. Allow your eyes to drift upwards, to the sky. Breathe in the beautiful air, the ocean of air we all share. Open your mind to the ocean of consciousness. Know that we all come from stardust. Some of that stardust we share, and some is unique to only us. We are connected, through light, and yet we live on our own.

Trust in yourself. Trust in the universe. Don't be afraid to love, and don't be afraid to live, even when times get hard. Breathe. Love. Smile. And open your arms to the stars, burning up stardust to create you.

I truly hope to remind myself of all of this everyday. Even when things get hard, yes. Especially then. But every day. I love being alive. I truly do. And I love everyone in my life right now, from the past, present, and future, for allowing my starlight to shine and helping me grow. You are wonderful.

In all honesty, I am going to write a blog post for a month (until May 21st). They may not all be this in depth or interesting, but I am going to write anyway.

Cheers!

Word of the day: nycthemeron--the natural day and night, or space of twenty-four hours

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "Maybe some people need to believe in a proper and omnipotent God to pray, but I don't." -John Green, The Fault in Our Stars

Celebrate the Gift of "You" to the World

I've always had a weird relationship with my birthday, ever since I think I was about 12 or 13. When you are a kid, of course birthdays are exciting. It's a big deal to be 5 instead of 6, to be able to go to school, to reach double digits, to have a huge party with a bunch of friends with a cake and a pool, where no one is fighting or judging, but just having fun. Your parents and family and friends shower you with gifts, and you really do FEEL older. Maybe you sense it because everyone makes such a big deal out of it, so you get that feeling too.

But for me, that feeling kind of went away as I reached my teenage years. It just stopped feeling like such a big deal. I think maybe because throughout middle and high school I had very small groups of friends, and I isolated myself a lot. I was shy and more comfortable being alone. Or, probably more true, I didn't know how to reach out. So birthdays felt weird.

I didn't feel any older. I couldn't understand why I was 14 years, 364 days one day and then 15. And why that was such a big change. In hindsight, that's an entirely arbitrary and senseless way to view birthdays, I think. But it's how I felt. I never really quite enjoyed my birthdays, especially in high school. A large part of that was probably the influence of my own self-doubt and criticism. I didn't want people to celebrate me, on any day of the year, no matter if it was my 17th birthday or not. I just didn't feel that special.

I've changed a lot since then, though. I've changed a lot since my 18th birthday. Maybe today I'm not any "older" than I was yesterday, but I'm older than I was on February 5, 2011. Older than I was on October 11, 2011 (random date). I have grown. I've learned a lot. I'm a different person. In truth, I do think now that each of us changes every day and that each of us changes he world every day. But even when I that seems stupid or meaningless, I do know I'm older. Maybe I can't feel it in my body or my brain, but I can feel it in small bits in my soul. I know, deep down, how much I've changed.

And it was so nice to celebrate that today. My day started at midnight, I guess, really. Since I was still awake then. I walked upstairs to a beautiful shark shaped Happy Birthday sign on my door from my lovely RA, Athena. And walked out of my room 15 minutes later to a "mysterious" chocolate gift on my laptop. I woke up this morning to 30 lovely facebook messages from friends, which just kept coming throughout the day. I think that's my favorite part, now, of my birthday actually. Being reminded of how many people do love me and care for me and want me in this world. It feels so amazing in my heart and soul now. This morning I did a beautiful (seriously. so so beautiful) hike in Kailua with Athena and my amazing friend Lauren. I skyped with my parents and my cat. I opened my exciting shark themed presents from my parents. (I cleaned the shower and bathroom. ;D) And I went out to a delicious dinner of Indian food with Lauren, Dan, and Sasha, all such lovely friends. Then I came back to a cake and a birthday song from Sasha, Maria, Victoria, Laura, and Pre.

Overall, such an amazing day. Nothing crazy, nothing incredibly special or life-changing. Just things to make me happy, to feel like I was commemorating my life and this day for myself. Simple things. A hike, a dinner out, surrounded all day by amazing friends. Celebrating life. Being happy. And feeding my soul.

Thank you to everyone who made my birthday feel special in every small little way, for making me (truly) love my birthday for the first time in many years.

Really, what more could a girl ask for?

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "And in the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years." ~Abraham Lincoln

Word of the Day: filiopietistic--pertaining to reverence of forebears or tradition

Airplane! (The Blog)

20 January 2012

3 and a half hours into 6 and a half (?) hour plane flight. And 13.5 hours in transit so far today. I’m tired. My back hurts. I am sitting on my stuffed shark to attempt to help. I’ve had several unfortunate travel problems today. But I’m going HOME. Back to Hawaii. So I’m happy nevertheless.

I keep thinking about what John and Hank would be doing right now in my situation. Making a vlog. I mean, okay, maybe not, because I can only remember one instance for EACH of them when they vlogged from an airplane. But still. That’s definitely what they would’ve been doing during my 3 hour layover in Phoenix.

However, I’m not much of a vlogger. I’ve tried it. It was fun. But I don’t really think I’m the person who can be super exuberant in front of a camera. Maybe I’d grow into it, but sometimes I wonder…what’s the point, if no one is going to watch it? Ha, and that’s really why I never update this blog either. Because I never expect anyone to read it. And I know of maybe one person (other than me) who does. It’s unfortunate, really, because I love to write. And I like looking back at my blogs from the 3 various BEDAs. But for some reason, no matter how much I emphasize that “this year I will write more…” it NEVER happens. April and/or August ends and the blogs largely stop. Why is it that we can never keep promises to ourselves?

I think on some level it’s because I want the justification. I want to know that people are reading my words, that people think my thoughts and life are important. My dad has this somewhat funny and extremely sad thing where he gets really upset if no one likes his Facebook statuses or posts. And tries to get people to like them. It’s the same thing, really. JUSTIFICATION. We’re all searching for our place in this vast world of ours. I like to think that the internet can help all of us to do this, because we can be connected in so many new and exciting ways. And I hope, hope, HOPE that no legislation in Congress can stop this lovely, beautiful, mesmerizing spider web we have created and nourished. Because I’ve made some of my best and truest friends through the internet (and Harry Potter, but still…) and been able to keep in touch with faraway friends.

So maybe I don’t know where I belong in the world yet. But for the first time in my life that I can remember, I’m happy. I have friends who actually want to hang out with me. And I’m finding and doing what I love, out there on this vast ocean that I am currently flying over. I cannot actually see the ocean right now, which is sad. I always end up with the aisle seat, which I do like for a couple reasons. One, I am slightly claustrophobic, so I like to have some space around me. Two, I don’t have to ask people to move when I need to go the bathroom (though they always have to ask me to move…) However, sometimes I’d rather give up those reasons for a window seat. I love to look out the window, watch myself flying thousands of miles over the earth. I like to watch the California coast turn into ocean and try to pick out some of the breaking waves below. I could do this in August because my parents let me lean over them, but I’m sitting next to strangers now, so…yeah. I mean, I suppose I could very awkwardly lean over them, but I don’t think that would go well. John and Hank have done weirder things in airports/planes, though…

I should mention maybe that I am on a flight with 4 other people from HPU. Including Dan. Our travel plans always seem to correspond, which is strange. But it was nice. The last hour I spent in the Phoenix airport (because our stupid flight was delayed for some reason they will not tell us) I talked to Dan and the other people, which was considerably less boring than sitting by myself. Hooray!

Abrupt change of topic here. But I used to fly a lot more than I do now. We would visit California, Chicago, I would go to Harry Potter conferences and Wrockstock. And before that, we would travel to Europe and my grandparents and other such places. I mean, we took a LOT of road trips as well, but the point is I used to travel a lot more. And I miss it. I spent a good portion of my break on Tumblr, since, you know, still a very limited number of friends in Colorado. And I started looking at pictures. Alaska: Glacier Bay, Kenai fjords, gates of the arctic. Australia. South Africa. Patagonia. Kigali. And so many other places.

God, I want to travel more. But I’m a college student. I don’t really have money. Travel is expensive no matter what. I’m not afraid of camping and hostel-ling, but the flights…oh, the flights. *sigh* Flights are so DAMN EXPENSIVE. I was looking, actually, because it’s one of my life dreams to study the great whites in South Africa, and it costs more to fly there than to Australia, where I’ll be doing my study abroad in 2013. What?!?! I mean, okay, I can rationalize. It’s Africa. Probably less of a demand, so higher prices. But damn. I want to go there and to Patagonia the most right now.

I think I’m the kind of person who cannot stay in one place for too long. I lived in Colorado for 11 years, but in the early years we still travelled a lot. And I loved it. I find myself in nature, in the cultures of other people, in the amazingly old crooked buildings of Lavenham, in the breathtaking landscapes of our world. I think (or maybe I just hope) marine biology is a fairly good career path for travel, particularly if I do manage to end up in my field of research studying the healing and possible cancer-healing properties of my precious sharks. That’s the career I want so much. But I fear most of the time it isn’t possible. I’m not even REALLY sure WHY, but I do.

Anyway. I very much want to spread my heart and soul to many places around this world. I hope that I can do what I want to. But I do know reality: not a lot of people get their dreams. Nevertheless, I’m not going to stop dreaming. Because there’s nothing wrong with it. I think it helps me, actually, to combat my incessant anxiety and fear of daily life. So as cheesy as it may sound, I’m going to keep dreaming.

Man, it’s hard to pass time on a 6 and a half hour flight. My flight to Denver last month was only slightly shorter, and yet I don’t REMEMBER how I passed the time on that plane. I know I wrote a letter. And watched Dirty Dancing. And then I took these incredibly aggravating repetitive 10 minute naps that I think only totaled 1.5-2 hours of sleep. *sigh*

What have I done so far? Hmm…well, I’ve been reading The Fault in our Stars, because I desperately feel the need to. I also need to write a blog about it, but I’m going to wait until I finish this reread. I think I need a lot more time to digest its beauty and unfortunate yet spiritual truths about our finite human lives. And I watched Dolphin Tales, because it was playing on the screens and looked good. It was…I’m always the person who gets teary-eyed from happiness at movies and books. It’s slightly embarrassing. Goodness, and then I think I just sat in my seat hoping the bathroom line would go down before giving up and starting this. Only to get interrupted by Apple Juice. Mmmm….apple juice. J And now I’m listening to The Mountain Goats while writing this. And we still have another good 2 hours and 20 minutes.

What else? My New Year resolutions. My main one is to try to downsize my life. Meaning, try to get rid of stuff I don’t need. First, I’m going to try to get money for some newer clothes I do not wear. Then I’m just going to start donating a lot of stuff and cleaning out things. Even the things I want to keep, I’ll put in boxes. But I’m going to do my best to consolidate and get rid of things (read: throw away!!!) I probably won’t want in the future. Because I don’t need everything I have. I really don’t. I started this over break, cleaning out my drawers and reorganizing my room some. Is this a side-effect of being a college student? I don’t think so. I don’t know any other college students who do this. But I WANT to. I want to live a smaller life, at least as far as the physical space I need to live. I want to live a LARGER life with my heart and soul, through travelling and exploring and dreaming, and I really think those two things HAVE to go together.

……………………………………………

Okay. I think that’s all I have for now. I’ve spent a good 40 minutes writing this.

I really love The Mountain Goats.

DOWNSIZE.

And in a little over 3 hours I’ll be back (to the dorms). I can do this. 2 more hours of discomfort in this tiny, tiny seat. Let’s go, TFIOS. And let’s go…to the bathroom. And maybe watch part of a movie.;)

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Best wishes! DFTBA!

Firefly Love

Sharks thrash in the ocean,

open their jaws,

Dig their teeth Deep into the Fabric

of the Universe,

hoping to leave a Scar

upon the World.

Fireflies soar and Loop

through the Air—

caught by a Jar.

still their Wings flap on

that Light will Die soon

and yet to-night it Shines.

white Perfect clouds up Above

hold Rain and Storm

exist there High above Earth

with the Sun and Stars

who Welcome that storm

with Twinkling color and Light.

Gravity holds me down

keeps me from Joining you

from Joining those fireflies and clouds

from Truly feeling as the sharks do

I want

I want

Where is the End of the universe?

Unbearable Lightness

Trembling hands

And blue water fills Deep blue Eyes

as Music floats over

the Heads of people Rushing by

Who do those deep Blue Eyes

belong to?

You

or Me

Or some Stranger out there

We do not know.

Does it Matter?

that Stranger is as Important

as You

or Me

as Lovely

and as Mystical

Dream Winds blow down the street

relaying the Remnants of Salty ocean Breeze

and I Reach out for a

hand that Isn’t there

I want

I hope

As Rain falls outside that glass pane,

I open the Pages of the Past

those Water-logged

Pages

the face I Dream of is not Among them

Where is your Hand in this Vast air?

Gravity

How does one transfer Thoughts

across the Stars?

Do spirits dream?

Do those Sharks feel as I do?

Do fireflies Know love?

the Poet says,

“Nothing Gold Can Stay”

the Sun cannot stay

my Heart cannot stay

time, time Cannot stay

And yet, I Hope

I fall Asleep watching the Stars, in the Grass

And open my Eyes to the first golden Rays

Walk to my Room

Dreaming of You

Look in the Mirror, and

force my Eyes and that little Mouth to Smile

look Down at the chipped Polish on my nails,

and the Wrinkled purple Dress

Grab a Lone strand of green, green, green Grass

remember those Dream Winds

My life is Small

But you are important

and I am important,

Aren’t I?

I am Conscious, and I am Human

I am those Sharks, those Fireflies,

the Water-logged pages of the Past

So I move from the Mirror

walk Outside again

hold my Arms open to the Sky

People rush by, running but not Floating

And I know I look Ridiculous

But I am a shark, a firefly,

a Beacon of Light

And we all must Beat on,

even as the Waves crash us

Over and over and over Again

against the Sharp rocks of Shore

Reality is there for us,

But we Need not live in it Always.

Still Here: Reflections from One Year Later

I meant to write this entry on the 9th. Because that was exactly one year since discharge from Children's. But maybe it's better that I've waited. I'm not sure I could say recovery began that first day of discharge. I'm not sure I can pinpoint an exact day when my recovery did start, when I became motivated to beat my anorexia and start living again.

Certainly, recovery still is a long, difficult process, even today.

It's so hard to believe how much can change in a year. This time last year, things were completely different. I was completely different.

I know maybe that sounds cheesy. Of course everyone changes in a year. But as I look back, reflecting to the breaking girl I was over a year ago, remembering how afraid I was of everything, it's unbelievable. Sometimes, I just cannot believe I'm still here. That I'm this happy, this free, this full of life.

I am for a moment going to go back to the original reason I was writing this entry. December 9th.

9 December 2010: I discharge after 3 months of treatment in the edu. I don't remember a whole lot about this day, except that I was afraid. So, so afraid. I'd finally put myself out there, told my story of my eating disorder through dance, began talking, and finally began grieving for dearest Nick. But it was a lot to deal with. After 3 months, I didn't really feel safe anywhere else. I didn't know how to live outside of the hospital, with all of the outside world affecting me. I'd built a bigger bubble for myself, yes, but I still lived in a bubble. So mostly, I remember crying to Erin, my dance therapist, and to loving Gary. I'd begun to heal, but only just begun. I wasn't ready to leave yet. Or was I? Maybe, or maybe not. But I took that leap, hugging my friends and those who helped me, knowing I could always, always go back there. And I still do go back there, looking for help and love. Somewhere deep inside me, though, I think I must've known that I was ready, ready to start living and trusting. Because I did leave. I knew I wanted to stay, and I knew I had to leave. In order to live, I had to get out of that bubble and learn to deal with the world. Learn to live in the world, not just in my safe place.

"After 11 weeks, why is it still so hard for me to believe in myself and so hard for me to just accept the way I am?" -Facebook status, 9 December 2010

9 December 2011: I walk down the street in Kailua, Hawaii, as darkness falls. Birds chirp loudly above us, people wander home around us, and my dear friend Lauren walks next to me. I am confident. I know where I'm going. I know what I want. Something has changed in me. Nothing noticeable to any of these people or creatures surrounding me, but noticeable to me alone. I am alive, strong, hopeful, trusting. We turn the corner, and that green building comes into view. I take a deep breath, open the door, and step in. Today, I am getting my tattoo. I will let it live there, look at it every day, as a reminder of my recovery, a reminder of Nick. I sit down, watch the man clean everything, and brace myself. Pain is coming. Close my eyes, deep breath, think of all I love and hope for. And it comes. The moments of pain, yes, but also a deep sense of relief and wonderment. A tingling, coming from my nerves, yes, but also (I think) coming from somewhere in the stars and somewhere deep inside me. I smile, slowly, slightly, and keep breathing. An hour later, an hour of pain and emotion and joy and hope, we are finished. And I can't stop smiling. I've done it. BEAUTY FROM PAIN. Whole again after being broken. Fragile, fearful, sad, but also strong, hopeful, and...happy.

Yes. I am happy. I love you Nick. Thank you for showing me all of this, for leading my hand through the world with the touch of the stars.

So. Perhaps it is very fitting that I am sitting here, 23:00 on New Year's Eve 2011, writing this journal entry. I never, ever have plans on New Year's Eve, so this is the best and most spiritually fulfilling way I can think of to ring in the New Year.

Because a long 365 days passed between those 2 December 9ths. 365 days, 3339 miles, and a completely different person. 2011 has had its ups and downs, yes, just as any year does. But I am happy and proud to stand here and say that I can look back at 2011 and smile, mostly.

I entered 2011 in recovery, working to catch up in school. I struggled through those early months, missing the light still, but always knowing it was out there in the stars somewhere. I found an amazing group of girls in my town who have helped me, every month, every day to keep strength and keep love. I worked my way through IB coursework and tests and classes, laughing with friends hours into the late nights. I made it through an entire track season, slowly improving my tiems, but more importantly finding my strength, finding friends, and learning how to move through life. I graduated (valedictorian, but that's not quite as important as the first statement there). I finished with IB, friends cheering and laughing and "studying" by my side. I was the booth manager at work over the summer. I cried my way through the last Harry Potter movie, again with friends by my side.

And I came to Hawaii for college. Nervous, scared, but extremely hopeful. And it was hard, no lying. Because I am shy. It was amazing for me to have friends at my side throughout all those events listed above, since I often don't know how to reach out to people. So that first month at college was hard. But I broke out of my shell. I started hanging out with people. I started laughing with people. And to some friends, I started opening up. I co-led a talk on Body Image in my hall with my amazing RA, who has done so much for me this past semester. I found a house to go to for Thanksgiving dinner. And after months of loneliness and despair, I finally allowed myself to hang out with people, just go down to their rooms and begin the conversation myself. Wow. I know that may sound stupid, but it's big for me. So I had fun. I cried, I grieved, I let myself be free. But I laughed a lot. I didn't sleep much. I worked, and I talked late into the night. And time flew by, until I was hugging my friend at 19:45 on December 19th, both of us--finally--headed home.

All of that, in one year. And look how much the postiive things stick out in my mind. I can remember some really dark times, too, but they're not as large. They don't have as much impact on me right now. I'm alive. And I'm loving being alive, swimming in the ocean and laughing with my friends at 1:30 am on a Wednesday.

For the first time I can remember, I'm not sitting here on New Year's Eve thinking, "Well, hopefully (insert year here) will be better than this past one. Hopefully." That always used to be what I thought.

But tonight? No. 2011 was an amazing year me. Filled with tears and falls and fear, but more importantly, filled with hope and joy and dreams. I'm dreaming, and I'm living. I miss Nick still, but I carry his spirit with me every day. I dream, I swim, I run, and I breathe.

So. 2012 will be here in a mere 30 minutes. And what am I hoping for? Not that it will be better, no.

I just hope for wisdom and love and strength, and that this amazing life I'm leading, these dreams I'm following and living, will be able to continue into next year. I hope I can live in 2012 just as I lived in 2011. Strong. True. ALIVE.

And I wish myself, and all of you this, in the words of Neil Gaiman:

"I hope you will have a wonderful year, that you’ll dream dangerously and outrageously, that you’ll make something that didn’t exist before you made it, that you will be loved and that you will be liked, and that you will have people to love and to like in return. And, most importantly (because I think there should be more kindness and more wisdom in the world right now), that you will, when you need to be, be wise, and that you will always be kind."

I love all of you. Thank you for making 2011 the best year of my life so far.

Here's to 2012. May it be wonderful.

The Ones We Love...Never Truly Leave Us

“Let children walk with Nature, let them see the beautiful blendings and communions of death and life, their joyous inseparable unity, as taught in woods and meadows, plains and mountains and streams of our blessed star, and they will learn that death is stingless indeed, and as beautiful as life.” -John Muir

My dearest Nick,

Happy Birthday. Today is your nineteenth birthday. Crazy to think how much we’ve grown up—from 5th grade to me sitting here in college, you flying up above. Time flies, doesn’t it? You know that more than anyone.

Today is both a hugely sad day and an infinitely wonderful day. Today, I go back and forth between wanting to cry for all the things we miss and smiling for all the things I remember. Because I truly miss you, every single day. It hurts to know you’re gone. I often still don’t understand why you were taken. But then I remember your beautiful light and spirit. Perhaps it was time for you, Nick, to live in that higher world, being the invincible light of a star. I’ll join you there one day. For now, I remember. I remember. And I’m grateful for having your spirit watching over me, my angel. I hope you know how much you’ve helped me these last two years. Even in spirit form, you live so much more fully than most of us ever do.

So I celebrate you. I miss you, and sometimes I still feel hopelessly sad. But mostly, mostly, I try to live to celebrate you and celebrate the beauty of life.

I’ve been remembering a lot, lately. Some days I just get a flash of your smile, hearing the sound of your laugh. Your soul travelling across galaxies and stars. And I remember laughing with you in Chemistry class, the ridiculous “items” you and Albert chose to bring to the picnic for McGunit. I remember always how you helped me in basketball practice. To most people, I was the shy and awkward nerd, but you genuinely wanted to help me, cheer me on. You always held this incredible joy inside you, from “Sparta” review games in class to the basketball court to the hallways, smiling at every person you saw. I don’t know if you know how amazing you are. It’s so hard for most people to feel that joy. You found it and lived it in sixteen short years. That beauty and spirit cannot die.

I remember, too, how you have brought people together. More, lately, I can remember your memorial. I remember holding Sarah’s hand and Joel’s hand, and just sobbing when Mrs. Pierce hugged me. All around, people were crying, for a life and a lovely person had been lost. All around, people were connecting, reminded of the beauty of you and the beauty of everything. Our hugs meant more that day than any other day. I remember the stories, how we laughed and cried, how you led your life each and every single day. And I remember feeling your spirit there in that room. You bring so many people together, still. And it’s beautiful.

Life’s hard Nick. But in those tough moments, I breathe in. I breathe you in. I know you’re there still, transferring your energy to me through the good and bad. Through the dark, I’ve come to feel the joy you did. I know life is beautiful, despite the miseries and tragedies. And I am able to be happy. Our souls do not die. The stars shine on. The ocean waves crash on the beach today as I pray to you. And I know you will never leave me.

A wise man once said, “We think we are invincible because we are.” And that is so true. You, Nick, are invincible. I am. The stars are. I am blessed to have known you.

Let’s celebrate that. I know you’re partying up there. I’m celebrating you in my own way, living and loving and dancing in the sea. I love you. I don’t know why I couldn’t say that when you were here, but I so do. Thank you, for showing me and reminding me of what really matters. You’re still alive, our souls travelling the same universe. We are infinite. Keep transferring your energy, and, Nick, give some to my mom if you can. She needs that energy.

I miss you. But I love you. Happy Birthday, Nick. Happy, happy birthday.

With love,

Kat