To the Stars who Died for Me

I always mean to update this more than I do. I'll be sitting in class or on the shuttle having thoughts that I want to write down, but I never remember by the time I'm at my computer. The day passes, I go to class and work, maybe pass time with friends, do homework. And by the end of the day, all I want to do is crawl into bed with a book and steal a precious 15 minutes of reading before sleeping and beginning the day again. So writing and art have both fallen by the wayside. Which is kind of sad, actually. Both of those outlets have helped me so much in the past. And I do, nowadays, find myself thinking too much, getting too upset or anxious sometimes because I just can't process everything. It does help to write. It always does. And yet I never seem to anymore. I wish I did. It's so important to me.

I really am going to try to fix that. In two ways. First of all, it's April. Which, 3 years ago at least, meant BEDA. I know I haven't done BEDA actually in April since 2009, but I still have such wonderful memories of that month that year, the wonderful friends from all across the world that I made. I have to thank Maureen Johnson for that. Since then, I've moved BEDA (for myself) to August because it just made the most sense. But I need to stop using homework or work as an excuse to not write. I mean, goodness, I don't even have to write super long posts everyday, just small things. Why do I tell myself blogging/writing will take so much longer than it actually ever does? *sigh*

Anyway. So, since it's April, even though there's only a week of April left, I'm starting BEDA. And I will carry BEDA into May. Blog Every Day in April and for Three Weeks in May (BEDATWM). I guess. Yeah. Just to get myself going again.

And after that? I just need to remind myself to take the time to write when I need to. Not every day, certainly, but when I really need to. When I want to share something. When I want to write something down to remember later. That's the main reason I write, really. For myself. I love going back and looking at my writing, even though it often makes me cry. Other times it makes me laugh. And I do appreciate Tumblr for that, since June. I can use that now as a smaller record of my changes over time.

So. BEDATWM. And then just keep writing. Don't stop for once. Trust that writing is how I put my words out into the world, and let my mind and soul breathe a little.

Okay.

Onto the thoughts I wanted to put out into the ocean of consciousness tonight. (This morning? It's 00:45....)

As I said above, I love Tumblr. It's a good distraction, tool, yes. But I love the funny pictures and quotes, the inspirational tidbits, and the beautiful pictures of marine life. It's my escape, really, more than Facebook, when I need a short break from homework. Mostly it's just fun. But every so often I find a true gem hiding among the vast field that is my dashboard. Like this quote I found today:

"Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And, the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics. You are all stardust. You couldn't be here if stars hadn't exploded, because the elements--the carbon, nitrogen, iron, all the things that matter for evolution and for life--weren't created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of the stars, and the only way for them to get into your body is if those stars were kind enough to die. So, forget God. The stars died so that you could be here today." -Lawrence M. Krauss

Immediately when I read that, my heart filled with warmth. For me, that is exactly how I experience life and love and spirituality. I live because of the starlight. I live because all of us are made of stars, and all of us return to stars. Our souls reside in stars, I truly believe now, thanks to Fox Mulder. Our souls are born from the stars and our souls return to the stars when our physical bodies collapse. That light, our light, shines on forever.

I don't pray to God. I don't pray to Jesus. I don't practice Buddhism. I don't even sing to the earth gods and goddesses any longer.

Instead, I dance under the stars, eyes looking upward, breathing in, and praying to that light up above. I offer myself to that light, that energy, those fires burning so many light years away. Many of those stars have died by the time that light reaches me. Some of those stars, the very stars I am looking at, may have died for me. But since it takes so long for light to travel, I can still see their light today. Reminding me of where I came from, of the fires that birthed my soul and mind and life.

It's so easy to get caught up in the smaller problems of life. Where do I live, how do I find money, do I really have friends, how do I deal with these people who don't allow me to live as myself? Those are all important issues in the moment, because they certainly affect how we, how I, live and love and thrive. It's important to acknowledge those problems and push through them. Breathe, and trust in the stars. Trust that, in our beautiful universe, everything happens for a reason. Those stars know what they are doing. Out of destruction, out of fire, beauty is created.

While I think it is important to acknowledge the small problems and work through them (breathe through them), I think it's more important to remember how absolutely beautiful life is. Our world, our planet of blue and green and white swirls, is amazing. And truly, the probability of life is so small anywhere in our universe that it is a miracle that we are alive. It is a miracle, truly, that the stars died, burned a terrible and long fire, so I could live today.

Breathe that in. And consider this: "Ralph Waldo Emerson once asked what we would do if the stars only came out once every thousand years. No one would sleep that night, of course. The world would become religious overnight. We would be ecstatic, delirious, made rapturous by the glory of god. Instead the stars come out every night, and we watch television." -Paul Hawken

The stars should always be cause for spiritual rapture and glorious celebration. Our lives should always be cause for delirious happiness and far reaching love.

I think a lot about my future. I wonder what will happen next year, and the year after that. I wonder what I will do after college, if I will get the job and life that truly makes me happy. I hope everything will turn out as I want it to: happy and loving. And I wonder why I cannot find a boyfriend, why some things never seem to work out. Of course, I spend perhaps too much time thinking about people whose lives were cut short. Didn't those people deserve to live more than I do? No. But they deserve to live just as much as I do. In my heart, I know they still live on. In me, in the wind, in the stars. But it still hurts. And I still fear that happening to me, even with all the faith I have in our universe and even considering my worship of the stars.

So as I think, imagining the future, fearing the future, doubting my past and myself, I also remind myself of my beautiful life. I have to tell myself that as long as I keep living the life I am living today, things will work out. I need to keep dreaming, keep loving, keep laughing, keep dancing, keep opening my arms and heart to the beautiful sky filled with faraway burning fires. I am okay as I am. I am living the life I was meant to live. That doesn't mean things won't change or can't change, but today, right at this early moment, I am okay. It's okay to not be okay, but it's okay to be okay as well. Everything will work out. The universe knows. We know, too, for deep in our hearts we still hold that stardust, spreading light everywhere we step.

You are important. I am important. The stars died so we could live. How could anyone not know their own beauty after considering that fact? Beauty lies everywhere around us, but it also lives within us. Within you and me.

Let the music play around you. Run in the rain. Allow yourself to just dance on your front lawn. Laugh in the ocean. Smile at a stranger. Smell the flowers. Hug your friends. Allow your eyes to drift upwards, to the sky. Breathe in the beautiful air, the ocean of air we all share. Open your mind to the ocean of consciousness. Know that we all come from stardust. Some of that stardust we share, and some is unique to only us. We are connected, through light, and yet we live on our own.

Trust in yourself. Trust in the universe. Don't be afraid to love, and don't be afraid to live, even when times get hard. Breathe. Love. Smile. And open your arms to the stars, burning up stardust to create you.

I truly hope to remind myself of all of this everyday. Even when things get hard, yes. Especially then. But every day. I love being alive. I truly do. And I love everyone in my life right now, from the past, present, and future, for allowing my starlight to shine and helping me grow. You are wonderful.

In all honesty, I am going to write a blog post for a month (until May 21st). They may not all be this in depth or interesting, but I am going to write anyway.

Cheers!

Word of the day: nycthemeron--the natural day and night, or space of twenty-four hours

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "Maybe some people need to believe in a proper and omnipotent God to pray, but I don't." -John Green, The Fault in Our Stars