Ahem. So I clearly did not finish my goal to blog for one whole month. And it is too late to correctly begin BEDA(ugust). But I do so want to push myself to actually blog for a whole month. Not for anyone else, but just for myself. I need to stop telling myself "But no one's reading this" (imagine that being said in the voice of a whiny 8 year old who is hungry). I need to just write and write and write. Allow myself time for reflection amdist the craziness that is our world. My life. Whatever.
I definitely took a summer hiatus from this blog. Not entirely on purpose. There were so many nights I needed to reflect and had so many things I wanted to say about what was happening. But it never happened. Other things distracted me. I wasn't allowing myself the space to grow and think and truly reflect on what each day of this summer meant to me.
I want to start doing that NOW. On the last day of my internship, on the eve of me flying back home, I want to commit to writing again. Reflecting again. And allowing my soul to breathe.
I want to see if I can successfully blog for a whole month for the first time since April 2009. Then, BEDA was a huge movement by Maureen Johnson. I made so many friends through blogging and laughing and staying up late, talking to people in England and here in the States. We all pushed each other, laughed, and found our voices. For a whole month, we successfully put our thoughts out into the world. Granted, those thoughts were often INCREDIBLY silly, but they were thoughts. And even 3 1/2 years later, I am grateful I did that for a month. It's fun to look back at.
In 2010, I almost completed the goal again. Through the tough beginnings of my IB senior year, I managed a blog every single day...until August 31st. To be completely honest, by that point my eating disorder had truly taken control of my life and my brain. Some things just weren't a priority any more. Especially on that day. I look back and love reading all of my posts from that August, for they truly show me the struggling person I was in the summer of 2010. And they remind me how grateful I am to be in recovery still today.
In 2011, I tried again for August. April was too crazy with IB tests, but August seemed doable. No summer homework this summer! No starting school in the middle of August! Just....moving into college over 3000 miles away. No big deal. ;) But I missed 2 days that August, never completed that last day even. College was too hectic, and my emotions were jumbled.
And then 3-ish months ago, I decided to try again. Through the craziness of finals and finding an apartment and moving my stuff and figuring out my internship, I wrote down my thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, those thoughts weren't entirely coherent. Sometimes, I wrote at 2:00 after very long days and many hours both studying and talking to friends. But once I got home...I somehow lost motivation. I loved being home, but it was weird, and I wasn't sure where I was anymore. So, missed that goal by 4 days.
*sigh*
But I want to try again. I'm flying tomorrow. Then in 19 days I'm flying to Hawai'i again. I have to buy all of my furniture and get comfortable in a new space again. So it'll be crazy. But I will NEED that time for reflection. And I'm going to allow myself that time. :)
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On another note, Happy Esther Day.
I know that I, myself, have a hard time expressing my love for people. I'm afraid of getting too close because I'm afraid that it will hurt even more when I lose a person. But that is no way to live. I know that, but sometimes the fear becomes too powerful and I close up in my shell again.
Esther reminded all of us how important it is to use your words to show the world who you are and how you feel. She was brilliantly eloquent and a very gifted writer. She wasn't afraid of much, and definitely understood how important it is to love. Every. Single. Day.
So, with that said, I love you. I may not know who you are, or I may have known you my whole life. But I love you. You are amazing, and you are valued in this world.
Cheers!!!!
Word of the day: brobdingnagian--enormous, immense
Quote of the day: "I find the need to remind myself of the temporariness of a day, to reassure myself that I got through yesterday, and so, I'll get through today." -Gayle Forman
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