I had a weird appointment with my therapist this morning. Weird because for the first time in a while I just really started to shut down when she tried to discuss stress with me. She was asking simple questions, about how I know I'm stressed, why I'm stressed, etc. They were easy to answer, but I just really couldn't think of anything. Why? Because I was stressed. Suffering from a lot of anxiety. Eventually, the ice melted a little and we had a successful last half of the appointment. But it was eye-opening, really, for me. The whole experience, good and bad.
It generally just reminded me that I really do suffer from anxiety (generalized anxiety disorder). I think it's easy to ignore that fact about me because it really isn't something observable. Even depression tends to be more observable and noticeable than anxiety, because everyone gets stressed and anxious sometimes. For me, though, it happens to a greater extent. And while I have gotten much better at handling it, it still rears its ugly head at a lot of times.
In truth, I can tell in my body when I'm super stressed/suffering from anxiety. My breathing feels shallower, my neck hurts, I get thirstier, my heartbeat feels weird (that's the best description I have for that one), and I have a hard time concentrating. And then my mind just starts running. Sometimes with clear thoughts, and sometimes literally with just a jumbled buzzing of words and ideas. I'm most in touch with its physical effects when I'm running or doing yoga. Both those processes help me relax. Otherwise, I truly do get too overwhelmed and find myself having a hard time getting anything done.
However, I think over the past year away from the hospital I've allowed myself to forget some of my best calming mechanisms. Writing, for one. Which I'm starting back up. Art, of course. Not fancy, high-caliber art, but just messing with paint and pictures and paper. And dance. I'm not sure I can really get back to dance or movement, though. Unfortunately, because letting myself truly express my feelings and essence by moving my body helps immensely. And unfortunately, I don't have much time for art because of homework, work, etc.
BUT, I have been setting aside time to write. And today I'm just going to make a quick list of why I'm stressed before I get back to working on papers:
1) I have to figure out still where I'm living next year. I know 2 of my roommates, and the possible 3rd and maybe 4th one. But we're not sure where we're living, when we're going to start renting, where we'll get furniture, and other such things. It's scary. I wish HPU had better on-campus housing. But they don't. =/
2) I still need to nail down a job for this summer. I've decided on Connecticut for an internship, which is both exciting and nerve-wracking. The really scary part, though, is finding a job.
3) I also need a job for next year. Ack.
4) I am currently working on 3 papers, 1 lab report, 1 presentation, 1 test, and then my 5 finals. I'm almost done with 1 of those papers and the lab report. The test should be okay, as should the presentation. But then I'm just left with 2 really tough papers and 5 finals. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Eeeeeeeep. =(
5) Stupid ex-roommate issues and getting in trouble. That was a scary meeting this morning. *sigh* I guess I just have to hope for the best now
Sometimes I feel ridiculous.
I don't have a terrible life. And I know that, as can be seen in my writings from the 1st day of BEDATWM. I am incredibly grateful for my wonderful life. I am in a much better place than I was last year, even. I dance under the stars, love feeling my body in motion, swim in the sea, and laugh often. Life is wonderful. I am wonderful. You are wonderful. The universe is amazing.
And yet, the anxiety creeps back in. God, it's so stupid sometimes. Because I know how wonderful my life is, but my brain won't let me focus on the good aspects of my life sometimes. It just immediately goes to everything that's bad.
So, for some perspective. The good things:
1) I got and will be doing a wonderful internship at the Mystic Aquarium in Connecticut this summer.
2) My NEDA Walk is chugging along beautifully, with several in-kind sponsors and a few real sponsors helping out. Plus a lot of sponsors. And I'm so excited for this walk.
3) I get to run a 5k with my stepmom for her 50th birthday.
4) Only 21 days until home.
5) I am coming back to this wonderful school next year, and get the opportunity to live more as an adult, with one of my best friends I've met here at HPU so far.
6) Snorkeling in class on Wednesday =]
7) My new ocean life animated screensaver
8) All of the papers I have to write are about things that interest me. Truly, that's a blessing. Even though both of the ones I have left will be really tough, at least they interest me.
9) Talking to my parents, who are always there to offer their support and advice.
10) I'm getting a haircut on Saturday, finally. 7 months later... :)
Some of those are simple things, but they're important to remember. The small things can make the difference some days.
On the days when my anxiety seems to overpower my true self, I need to remind myself to do a few things. One, do yoga or go running, depending on my mental and physical state. Two, take a step back, sit down, and BREATHE. Three, make a list of 10 good things about the day or my life at the time. And four, just allow myself to breathe and work through the homework, essays, studying I need to get done. Because nothing's worse than sitting in your anxiety thinking about all the shit you aren't getting done, meanwhile getting more anxious. Blech.
Phew.
Sorry. This wasn't very interesting. But I do write mostly for myself, and all of this was stuff I really needed to write out.
Just as a warning, as I work on my papers, a couple of my blog posts may just be excerpts from the paper, the section I worked on that day. Because I really do need to get these last two papers written. Actually, setting aside 2 days to be "excerpt days" will probably actually force me to write some of my papers so I can prove on this blog that I'm getting them done.
Yep.
Okay. Plan for the next 3 hours until bedtime:
Revise writing essay one final time.
Study for marine bio lab final (inverts/fish scientific names).
Shower.
Begin writing marine bio paper on shark fishing.
Maybe write out plan for communications paper.
Brush teeth/take out contacts.
Read.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz (with Sharkie)
We'll see how tomorrow goes, I guess.
Cheers!
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "There are thousands of causes for stress, and one antidote to stress is self-expression. That's what happens to me every day. My thoughts get off my chest, down my sleeves, and onto my pad." -Garson Kanin
Word of the day: fard--to apply cosmetics
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