Time Goes By: 5 years ago....

I know I talk about this concept a lot, but I think it's important for us to reflect on where we've been and how far we've come. It's hard to realize how much we have changed or how much we have overcome if we just look at the present. For most of us, that would mean we're looking at ourselves mindlessly roaming the internet or studying or sitting in traffic. We'd see the mundane things. So we need to dig a little deeper, to the core of ourselves. We need to think back and remember the person we were 1, 3, 5, 10 years ago. What were we dreaming of then? What are we dreaming of now? How much have we been through in that time period? Did we ever imagine at that age that we could reach this place?

I do do this a lot, but I tend to focus more on the eating disorder side of things. Which is absolutely important for me, because that really does show me how far I've come. I can look back to the awful place I was in 2 years ago and truly feel proud of myself for how far I've come.

But what about before that?

5 years ago was May 2007. My last month of being in middle school. I remember being a very different person in middle school. I had more friends in middle school, surprisingly, or at least in 8th grade. I actually remember being really excited to go to high school. I remember some of the funny things I would do with my friends and how amazingly fun all of my classes were that year. Somehow it felt really cool to be an 8th grader, and I don't really remember anyone being very mean to me. I know people always say middle school girls are the meanest, and I do think that's true to a certain extent. But I remember that happening more in 6th and 7th grade than in 8th grade. I wasn't friends with, but certainly talked to some of the popular girls. I was incredibly nerdy, definitely. I had braces and didn't know the "right" clothes to wear. I never wore make-up (hahaha). And I certainly wasn't friends with the super popular girls of the school, the ones outside of the IB program. But I had a fair amount of friends, despite my incredible nerdiness and lack of any sort of fashion sense.

I was in Advanced Art and built a model of the Golden Gate bridge. I had a very small part in our spring musical. I sang in the "graduation" choir. I played basketball and ran track and helped put together the school's 10th anniversary yearbook. Overall, I allowed myself to grow a little bit more and not be so shy. That summer, the trend continued as I got incredibly excited over Harry Potter and found my little niche online and, again, did not care at all about what I was wearing.

That shifted dramatically when I got to high school, though, and I still can't quite put my finger on what happened.

But anyway, I definitely wouldn't have imagined in May 2007, as I was launching rockets with friends and getting ready to move to high school that I would be sitting in Hawaii in 5 years 12 days away from finishing my first semester of college. I think in 8th grade I was still sort of going back and forth between marine biology and journalism (I do credit my amazing high school teachers for fostering my love for and aptitude in science). I had no idea where I wanted to go to school and I still couldn't even fathom being a senior in high school, let alone a college student.

I also couldn't have imagined then being the girl with an eating disorder. I do remember the first inklings of really, really caring about how I looked popping up around January of my 8th grade year. They'd been there to a small extent throughout middle school (girls are mean...), but I do think something about the pressure of high school made them stronger. But I was so happy, with so many friends, that I never could have imagined falling into that place. No one, of course, chooses it. And no one really remembers the first day. But it's just interesting. Because I know 5 years ago I never would have imagined that everything that has happened to me in those years would have happened.

Interesting.

So look at how much I've grown. From an awkward young teenager to a falling apart, ravaged body to a strong, resilient young college woman ready to find my way in the world, despite the struggles and obstacles in my way.

I definitely encourage everyone to do this. And I'm excited in 2 years to go back and look at my "letter to myself" from BEDA 2009. We'll see if anything I imagined then comes true.

5 years ago