So I totally forgot to mention this yesterday, but I updated my about me section. Not a lot, just with some current information about me* and a few more things I like/hate/am obsessed with. I also added my tumblr, if you know...any of you use tumblr.
Also, I've realized that I pretty much never finish these blog posts in one sitting. Like yesterday, I wrote most of that dorm stuff, went on a walk with my dad, and then finished the dorm stuff and wrote about the riots. And the day before that I wrote about half of the top ten list before dinner, and then didn't finish it until 12:40 am...Woops. And I KNOW I'm not going to write this blog post in one sitting, because I'm about to go eat lunch in 20 minutes. So maybe that's why my blog posts seem so random most of the time...**
I never called my advisor last night. My parents and I instead went to talk to our neighbors because the daughter will be taking care of our cats when we go to Hawaii. And you know what's amazing? WE ACTUALLY HAVE NICE NEIGHBORS NOW. I mean, I'm not saying our neighbors are all mean or creepy or anything, but none of them really talk to us. And there's a guy two doors down who I swear is a serial killer or something, because my dad and I went to go swimming at 5 in the morning once a few years ago and he was totally digging a hole in his front yard.*** Aaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!!!!! Creepy. But I really should call her after lunch and at least leave a message. I really think I should change my math class, so yeah...
*pause for 9 hours*
Well that was certainly an interesting 9 hours. My sister and I did a photoshoot outside in the afternoon, which I thought would be a good idea, until I remembered how much I have body image issues. The photoshoot did not help this. I almost never like how I look in pictures, especially pictures in which I'm not smiling, and that's always how my sister says we should look in photoshoots--no smile, serious face, staring off in some random direction. Bleurgh. Like all of my sister's pictures look amazing, and I looked at all of the ones of me and I liked none of them. So yeah. Not a good idea. Or a good way to spend the afternoon.
*sigh* I know this probably sounds kind of petty, like some stupid white girl living in a nice country, but it's a big issue for me, something that I work hard to overcome. I try to remind myself I'm not perfect and no one is, but maybe I just shouldn't allow people to take pictures of me. :( Or at least not photoshoot, modely type photos. I have enough body image and anxiety issues. I don't need to throw pictures in. I think I tend to like the way I look in spontaneous, happy pictures much better. So yeah.
I would like to say I could move onto something happier after that, but nope. I was doing okay, my dad came home, we were going to go on a walk, etc, etc. And then my stepmom came home. And was all crazy, which I wasn't aware of at first. So I was all waiting for my dad, reading Half-Blood Prince on my couch, and about 30 minutes later I went up to ask him why we hadn't left yet, and he and my stepmom were clearly fighting, and he said we weren't going to walk until after dinner. The first thing I thought was "great, I could've called my advisor in this time then," but then I moved on to other things, such as being upset. My dad yelled at me for something very small, and while I knew he wasn't angry at me really, but at her, I went upstairs and kind of sat on my bed staring at the ceiling for a while. And then apparently I fell asleep.****
Uck. Things got worse from there, with my stepmom going crazy about cleaning the house since my sister's boyfriend is coming tomorrow, more crazy yelling and fights, blah blah blah, I don't want to go into details because that's all kind of personal, blah blah, we didn't start walking until 8:00. It was just stupid because our house wasn't all that messy, but my stepmom kind of has this thing where she wants people to accept her so she acts all weird and not at all like herself when people come to visit her, probably because she's afraid people won't like the "real her." Which I realize is a perfectly normal thing. I worry people won't like me either. But I don't go all crazy neurotic and try to fix everything. It bothers me, a lot, but sometimes you just have to accept who you are and hope people will like you for it.
Anyway. I realize all of this does sound petty and boring and like a lot of complaining. I am very grateful to live in the country I do (most of the time...if you ignore our failing economy). I am glad to have a caring father and a sister I can usually talk to. I'm thankful to have close and supportive friends, even if not all of them live very close to me. I am grateful to still be alive this year, for reasons I have not yet shared on this blog but may one Saturday if someone seems interested. I am so so incredibly lucky and grateful to be attending Hawaii Pacific University, where I can pursue my passion in marine biology at a wonderful school in a beautiful place. I am thankful to have the food, heat, shelter, water, comforts I need to stay alive.
But even with all that, I can't help the way I feel. I'm sick of this fighting every night. I love my dad, and I watched him be abused by my mother, and now I feel like a lot of the time my stepmom is doing the same thing. I probably shouldn't be saying all of this on a blog, but I can only hope that she never reads this. I would say this to her face, but I've had enough of her yelling and tears and denial for a lifetime. Maybe I'll have the courage to someday. I hope I will. But I feel I have to say it somewhere, even if it's strangers reading this, because I learned a lot time ago that holding things in does absolutely nothing for me.
*sigh* And the riots are continuing in England, although London is quiet. I'm betting that's only because of all of the police though, and the rioters have just spread out to other cities. Which sucks. (Big Understatement, but I don't really know what else to say)
ANYWAY. I'm sorry for all of the complaining/sadness/anxiety. But it wasn't a good day. So I will end this blog on a happy note.
Things that made me happy today:
1) Reading Half-Blood Prince
2) Walking
3) Talking to my roommates more, we still get along really well. :) Lots of stuff in common so far it seems.
4) Harry Potter themed Bananagrams to escape the yelling*****
5) My cat sleeping under my umbrella
6) Scaring beetles with my dad on our walk******
Oh, and another funny thing. Before bed, I read the news on my phone. I start with CNN, and usually I'm asleep after 3 articles. But last night I apparently wasn't tired enough, and I moved on to Cracked with their article "7 items you won't believe are actually legal." One of them Salvia Divinorum, which is apparently a drug, though not one I know. But the first thing I thought was it sounded like some Harry Potter spell. And it totally does. :D
Also, I love these cats. We all need to think like the little black cat here:
Oh! And I finally figured out how to look at my credits for college, and all of my IB courses have awarded me 36 credit hours already at HPU. SCORE. I am totally a sophomore, credit-wise. This means I can really focus on marine biology and the study abroad I want to do. :)
Again, sorry. Not a very exciting blog post. But I'm anxious and upset this evening, so I wasn't really going to be able to write about anything else. I truly, truly hope tomorrow is better and that I finally talk to my advisor. Seriously.
Cheers!
Word of the day: gimcrack--a showy object of little use or value
Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "Happiness arises in a state of peace, not of tumult." -Ann Radcliffe
Days until I leave for college: 17*******
*Like my age, only 6 months after I turned 18...
**No. It's just because I'm always random. But I like that I can have an excuse
***He was totally burying a body. I know it. I know it. (probably not, actually. But he's creepy, and it's fun to pretend I have a murderer living near me.)
****Which was weird. I didn't FEEL tired, but apparently I was?
*****We got really lazy toward the end, mostly because we pretty much only had "t"s, "i"s, and a couple other letters. Pit (something about crawling through a pit...) and lit (they lit their wands) were my dad's, as was "yay" (what people said after Voldemort died). But I came up with tact (Ron is tactless?) and git. Oh, and hit, as in "I was hit by a bludger." But whatever. The rest of those are totally good. And we used all the hard letters. :D
******Long story. It's what we do...
*******Man, I need to start packing.
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