Fight the Future

Lazy day. Still not feeling great. There must be some reason for this, because feeling so crappy about 80% of the time cannot be normal. *sigh*

But anyway. I got all of my clothes AND the comforter I'm taking to college to fit into one suitcase. And a few shoes, my hair straightener, and my hair curler fit in that suitcase so far too. Probably a few other things will as well, but I haven't finished putting together everything I'm going to pack yet.

I made a list too of the movies I want to take to college, but the hardest part is going to be deciding what books to take. We don't even really have room for a bookshelf in our dorms (they are very small) and the desks don't have much room either. But I LOVE books. So much. Even when I don't have time to read them during the school year, there's something so comforting about staring at my two full bookshelves and all the different colored bindings. And I love to read at least a little before I go to bed. So it's going to be really hard to choose. I'm certainly bringing my John Green books and the Sarah Dessen ones. And I would love to bring all of my Harry Potter books, but I'm not sure that's possible. They just weigh far too much. *sigh* I feel like most girls fret over what shoes to bring to college, but I could really care less. Argh. I recognize that I probably won't even have much time to read because of homework, but I want some of my books with me. Books comfort me more than anything else. When I'm lonely or sad or want a piece of home, I can escape into a book and I immediately feel better. So we'll see. This will definitely be the hardest part of packing for college. =(

I also watched The X-Files: Fight the Future today. I love the X-File so so much. :) I know I wrote about this last year for BEDA, but I don't care.

I think I just really love the faith and perseverance of both Mulder and Scully. They are both searching desperately for the truth and for something missing inside of them. They begin as coworkers, develop into friends, and eventually the love just blossoms from their hearts. And no matter what obstacles come their way, they don't give up. I believe they have a deep spiritual connection with another and that's so rare in our world today. I especially admire Ms. Dana Scully for her strength throughout cancer, sickness, losing Mulder, pregnancy, struggling to believe. I wish I had her strength. It's also rare to have such a strong female lead in a show even now, so her character inspires me. And my god, Gillian is a lovely actress. She portrays the part perfectly every single time.

I really love the spiritual aspect of the show as well. The faith and the connection to something much deeper and much more important than our own material world. Whether that thing is truly alien or not I don't know and I don't really think matters, but there is certainly some power out there in the universe beyond ourselves. And if we connect to it, we will live so much larger than we do now. It's what I've been trying to do for the past year--reach out to the sky, to the stars, beyond my dark place, and search for the light in the world. And I believe I've found something missing--hope. I think in the end Mulder and Scully discovered that too.

"I once had a talk with Mulder about starlight. How it’s billions of years old. Stars that are now long dead whose light is still traveling through time. It won’t die, that light. Maybe that’s the only thing that never does. He said that’s where souls reside. I hope he’s right." -Dana Scully

I can often be heard saying that I want a relationship like the one Mulder and Scully have. Their deep spiritual connection is amazing. They truly are on a life journey together. They are equals. Always. Such a beautiful and deep connection that they have. My words from earlier this summer: "I want a guy who's a full person, complete with his past and emotioanl issues. I want a guy who doesn't hide from the darkness. I want a guy who trusts. I want a guy I can grow with and learn with, comfort when he's upset, and who can comfort me. I want to travel on a journey with someone and find a sort of truth and peace. I want a guy like Mulder."

Oh, and I so do. But at this point in my life I'm thinking "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, I'm never going to have a boyfriend." The only "boyfriend" I've had was when I was 12, and I'm not really sure that counts, we were so young and we were friends and I think we were just trying it out. So mostly I just get really sad. I would love to have a man I could grow with and who loves me for all of me. Ah, Mulder. If only you were a real guy. I'd search for the aliens with you.

I WANT THIS. Such closeness and such trust.

Anyway. Sorry for that. But I do love The X-Files.

Tomorrow I get to hang out with a good friend. I've had a lot of that lately, and I'm grateful. My beautiful family of girls yesterday especially reminded me of the strength I have and that I can still hold onto it in college. But these are the people I'm going to miss. =/ It's bittersweet saying goodbye.

Well, bed now. At some point tomorrow I'll pick out which books to bring and which to leave here. Sad.

Okay, after all of that depressing and thoughtful stuff in the blog today, here's a funny cat picture to end:

Cheers!

Word of the Day: diaphanous--very sheer and light; almost completely transparent or translucent

Inspirational quote/photo of the day: "My whole belief system is that our paths are drawn for us. I believe in reincarnation. I believe we're here to learn and grow. We choose how we come into this life based on what it is we have to learn. Some people have harder lessons than others." -Gillian Anderson

Days until I leave for college: 4